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Thread: Marriage this quickly

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Marriage this quickly

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    My boyfriend is an Airman and we have been together for 5 months. I am almost 21 and he is 20. I knew him long before he left and joined the military. We have actually know each other for 2 years but we didn't start officially dating until last November. I am also about to have to move out of the family-owned house I live in and find a new living situation. I can't really afford to live in an apartment right now so I'm kind of running out of options unless I want to move back in with my parents. Obviously that isn't the number one reason to marry him, but it makes a lot of sense to marry him and fix that problem too. I know him well, and I love him more than anything. I know he is the one I want to marry. As everyone here knows, dating someone in the military is very much different than dating another civilian. Obviously you wouldn't get married five or six months in if you were in a "normal" relationship. The distance is very hard on me. It's been getting worse lately. I had a pretty bad panic attack earlier tonight, which led me to join this site. We are 100% ready to get married. But every single friend and family member says it's an awful idea and we need to wait at least two more years. Now I know that's completely not possible for me. I would honestly love to be married my the end of this year. I just want to be with him. I know that we are young and we will have our problems but all of our problems right now are created by the distance. I guess I don't really have a question to ask here but I'm more just looking for advice and someone else's input.
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    #2
    Sorry, but I agree with your family and friends. I don't think anyone should get married at 20, and I don't think anyone should get married after only dating for 5 months. You are absolutely still in the honeymoon phase. Especially since those 5 months have been long distance!

    Also, I disagree with the notion that dating someone in the military is "very much different" than dating a civilian, especially when it comes to making sure you are mature enough and that your relationship is tested enough to give you the best possible chance of a successful marriage. Why *wouldn't* you do that? What mature, well-reasoned argument can you make for marrying soon? There are plenty reasons against it. So make a mature argument about why now is better. If you can't, then you have your answer. (And no, needing a place to live and really missing him is not a mature reason to get married.)
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #3
    If you need to ask a board full of strangers if you're ready to get married, you're definitely not ready to get married.
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    #4
    I agree with your family as well.... DH and I dated for his whole active duty career the first time around, five years of waiting. When we moved in together, we were in the same state for a month before tying the knot, and honestly, we missed a crucial time. You CAN move near him if he's stateside, you can make it happen. I highly recommend waiting, although, I know everyone I knew told us to wait since we were only living in the same zip code for a month, and we didn't listen. So, if you do marry him, be ready for some rocky road, dating is different than being friends, and the first year of marriage is hard.
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    #5
    I did exactly this and it was a disaster start to finish. I mean go ahead and get married, a board full of strangers isn't going to be able to convince you not t if you're set on it. But a marriage of convenience will probably not go well so keep separate finances and don't get pregnant.
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    #6
    When everyone around you is telling you the same thing, they are probably right. They know you and the situation and are drawing on a lot more life experience than you have had yet. You are only 20, if you can't afford living on your own then there is nothing wrong with moving back in with your parents until you can manage financially on your own. In my opinion missing your boyfriend for five months just isn't a good reason to get married. This isn't an abnormal situation, plenty of couples are long distance for a while for their jobs or school. I do find that being long distance, issues and arguments tend to stick around longer and are harder to resolve. That's something we needed to work through too. You didn't mention how he feels, is he ready to get married?
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    #7
    I am going through the exact same thing. However, I am 18 and he is 19. Both of our parents think it's absolutely crazy that we are thinking about getting married this young. They all think we should wait a year at least. However, I am living in Indiana and he's being stationed in Alaska this summer. We don't want to be apart and we both are ready for a life together. I know how it feels, it's super tough and I'm struggling with all the negativity right now. I hope things work out for you guys and I'm always here to talk!!
  8. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #8
    I think one of the best ways to solve these kinds of problems is to try to look through your parents' (and friends') eyes and see what their concerns are. Then you can put some thought into it and decide if they apply to you, and how you will deal with them. Sharing that information could make them feel much better about a potential marriage.

    For example, if I had a friends in your situation some of my concerns would be that you are relying on someone else to financially support you ... what if the worst happens and you want to leave and feel that you can't because you don't have enough money? What happens if you decide to go to school in Alaska and the military changes things at the last minute (as they often do) and he gets stationed somewhere else instead? If being separated from him causes you to have panic attacks, will you be able to handle military separations such as a deployment or unaccompanied rotation? etc.

    If distance is causing all the problems in your relationship, I would take a serious look at getting married, because separations are part and parcel of marrying someone in the military.

    These concerns are separate of you wanting to get married to someone you've been dating for ~6 months. Which I think can be its own red flag that might be concerning your loved ones too.
  9. Pour a little salt, we were never here
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    #9
    I mean...don't do it.

    But if you're going to, listen to Heisenberg.

    I got married at 21, and am still married so I can elaborate but it's basically not a good plan.

    ETA: I am happily married, and love my husband and our life. It's still not a good plan to marry in your early adulthood.
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    #10
    I agree you should wait; I disagree you should wait 2 years or any arbitrary number like that. Getting married won't necessarily resolve the distance problems, and resolving the distance problems will probably add additional problems, because proximity naturally leads to a certain level of conflict that you have to learn to work out together. I am NOT someone who believes you have to date for a really long time or live together or be engaged for ages before you get married, but I do think you need more time, based solely on this post.

    How does he feel about it?
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