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Thread: I'm completely frustrated with wedding planning...

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    #1

    I'm completely frustrated with wedding planning...

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    I seriously want to call the whole damn thing off. DH and I are already married, but are having a church ceremony/reception this summer. First, it was the reception location. He did the research and decided we wanted to tent the front lawn of the church, because it's right in the foothills and gorgeous, and cheap. Of course, he didn't do the due diligence and read all the information, which clearly states that the reception must be completed within three hours of the ceremony. Obviously, for a traditional reception, that's nowhere near enough time. So, four months before our wedding, after people have already booked hotels and plane tickets, we had to find a new venue.

    Now that that crisis is averted, we've been planning the reception hard core. DH had an idea about featuring contra dancing at the reception. We both contra, and so do many of our family and friends, so we thought it'd be a great idea. He put me in charge of arranging everything. I contacted a woman through facebook, who manages the community dances here. We've been chatting back and forth, and have gotten a trio and a caller and discussed doing a mini lesson before the reception, etc. So I call DH today to get the ok to get a contract and have him ok the $ amounts, and he asked me to ask them "what else they do." Uh... they are a contra band. They play folk music. He said he knew that, but that they may do more contemporary things, and perhaps people could go up and request songs. Uhhh... no. If you want that, you get a cover band. I don't know why this is such a confusing concept for him. Plus, it was his idea to have contra at the reception and to do the lesson, etc. Now he is adamant that he wants me to ask them about what else they can play, and I feel really uncomfortable because we've already had many discussions and now if I throw this in there I think they'll be really confused. We already discussed the reception and now I feel like he's coming out of nowhere.

    To top it off, he was clearly frustrated on the phone, and after we hung up, he texted again and told me that "that was literally the most frustrating conversation I have ever had with you." He feels like I wasn't listening, but that's how I feel he was behaving. I understand his request, but I don't think HE understands that that's not what we're buying, and if that's what we want, then we need to go in a different direction. Like, you CAN wear socks with sandals, but nobody does. This contra band plays folk music and contra dance music--I can ask if they do other things too, but it's just... weird, because they are a contra band.

    I also have NO idea why he is so frustrated. I feel like we've been bickering a lot lately and I have no idea why. I don't expect to agree on everything, but he just gets really frustrated and angry about things that just don't seem like a big deal, and I have no idea what's up. I have no idea how to talk to him without him getting upset, but it seems like there has to be something more going on because this is just kind of bizarre behavior from him. He's normally really easy going. Any advice, for how to talk to him, or what to say?
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    #2
    wedding planning can be so ridiculously stressful. It sounds like you guys have somewhat different visions of how it should go and he's getting frustrated because your vision is different than his, especially if you guys are paying for everything.

    As for talking to him, I would just sit him down and ask if something is going on. Tell him you've noticed he seems more upset than usual and you are concerned. Sometimes my Dh does this and when I sit him down to talk, I find out he's stressed about something completely unrelated and not handling it well. If he says he feels like you aren't listening to him, ask for specific examples.
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    I remember this! DH was quite litteraly not interested in helping plan anything besides the music at our wedding. It took me awhile to figure it out (damn it) but he would 'try' to be present and would end up frustrated because his heart/energy wasn't into certain things. Decisions *I* felt were important AND time sensitive. It was a burden, but what I ended up doing was completely taking on the duty of planning the wedding. I would then mention to DH what I was booking or paying for before I did it. If he had a concern, he voiced it. But if he outright didn't like it, it was on HIM to come up with a different solution since he wasn't involved in daily planning duties. He ended up, from that point on, just ok-ing everything because he knew he didn't have the time/effort to commit to doing his own research

    It worked for us! DH isn't into planning... but he was sure impressed with everything that day. And truth be told... he ROCKED the music for our reception.
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    Quote Originally Posted by rocket_lizz View Post
    wedding planning can be so ridiculously stressful. It sounds like you guys have somewhat different visions of how it should go and he's getting frustrated because your vision is different than his, especially if you guys are paying for everything.

    As for talking to him, I would just sit him down and ask if something is going on. Tell him you've noticed he seems more upset than usual and you are concerned. Sometimes my Dh does this and when I sit him down to talk, I find out he's stressed about something completely unrelated and not handling it well. If he says he feels like you aren't listening to him, ask for specific examples.
    I seriously hate wedding planning. Seriously. I mean, I love that we're having a wedding/reception so that we can celebrate with everyone, but I'm so annoyed with having to plan every little detail and him changing his mind fifty million times.

    I think he's confusing "listening" with "going along with his idea." He literally said, "you say you want help and then balk at my input even when I rephrase it a bunch of ways." I understood what he was asking for, but MY point was that you hire a contra band to play contra... asking them to do other stuff is kind of strange. And apparently that means I don't listen...
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    Quote Originally Posted by br33 View Post


    I remember this! DH was quite litteraly not interested in helping plan anything besides the music at our wedding. It took me awhile to figure it out (damn it) but he would 'try' to be present and would end up frustrated because his heart/energy wasn't into certain things. Decisions *I* felt were important AND time sensitive. It was a burden, but what I ended up doing was completely taking on the duty of planning the wedding. I would then mention to DH what I was booking or paying for before I did it. If he had a concern, he voiced it. But if he outright didn't like it, it was on HIM to come up with a different solution since he wasn't involved in daily planning duties. He ended up, from that point on, just ok-ing everything because he knew he didn't have the time/effort to commit to doing his own research

    It worked for us! DH isn't into planning... but he was sure impressed with everything that day. And truth be told... he ROCKED the music for our reception.
    It's good to hear I'm not the only one. I guess my frustration is that I don't want to do all the work by myself. I am taking two grad classes and working part time in the mornings, and I just don't want the entire burden of planning a whole wedding for "us." I know most people would love to do the whole thing themselves, but especially since we're already married, I want everything to be reflective of us as a couple. It was his idea initially, but now I feel like he's changing his mind or that he hadn't communicated exactly what he wanted to me clearly the first time.
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    Quote Originally Posted by JaneSays View Post
    It's good to hear I'm not the only one. I guess my frustration is that I don't want to do all the work by myself. I am taking two grad classes and working part time in the mornings, and I just don't want the entire burden of planning a whole wedding for "us." I know most people would love to do the whole thing themselves, but especially since we're already married, I want everything to be reflective of us as a couple. It was his idea initially, but now I feel like he's changing his mind or that he hadn't communicated exactly what he wanted to me clearly the first time.
    I definitely hear you. I was OK doing a lot on my own, because the expectation that DH wouldn't really have the time to help (was in training the entire year of wedding planning), was there from the begging. I did feel overwhelmed at times and would myself get frustrated... I worked 3 jobs (one full-time) and was routinely working 60-70hrs a week.

    I would make A LOT of lists. "People to Contact" - "Places to look at" I would right it all down and when I found myself in a place where I could tackle some of it, I would. I LOVE crossing tasks off a list

    I also enlisted the help of whoever offered (but mostly towards the end).

    You'll get there. Just remember you two are on the same team... and no one will remember that they couldn't request your contra band to play Just Bieber
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    What's contra?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Guynavywife View Post
    What's contra?
    It's a type of group dance. Sort of like square dancing/English line dancing. I grew up going with my mom to dances, and then would go to the ones hosted by my college. I have gone with DH to a couple of contra dances here. It's really fun, and the music is pretty awesome if you like blue grass/folk type stuff.
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    Reading your post I had a flashback to the kinds of arguments DH and I had when we went to plan our first big vacation together (I know that's not the same as a wedding, but literally, your post sounded like a snapshot of us). He had such specific expectations that to me just seemed illogical, and every time I tried to accommodate his ideas it seemed like he would change his mind without having any concept of how frustrating it was for me or how much work I had already put into it.

    In the end I made him sit down with me and we planned every tiny little detail out together. It was the only way to keep is both on the same page. In retrospect, he said he would have been fine just having me plan the entire thing without giving him any input as well, but the half-way helping didn't really work for us because he had no idea what the organizing/planning process entailed.

    I don't know if that's an option for you, but maybe if he's more involved in the nitty gritty details he'll have a better understanding of where you're coming from?
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    Quote Originally Posted by JaneSays View Post
    It's a type of group dance. Sort of like square dancing/English line dancing. I grew up going with my mom to dances, and then would go to the ones hosted by my college. I have gone with DH to a couple of contra dances here. It's really fun, and the music is pretty awesome if you like blue grass/folk type stuff.
    That sounds like fun. I'm sorry you're getting frustrated.

    I Eelizah
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