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Thread: Give it to me Straight

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    #1

    Give it to me Straight

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    Well,
    Last edited by johnson8412; 01-24-2014 at 08:27 AM. Reason: grammar errors and spelling
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    #2
    Before really answering this, I have one question... how are you so convinced she be able to request to be able to leave and it be automatically accepted? Is your surgery life threatening? Was the family member that passed in her immediate family (mother, father, or other primary legal guardian?) I know a part of that is more why isn't she at least trying, but I'm almost positive VERY few people would be able to come home a couple days before their scheduled homecoming for anything less than a life or death emergency.

    be cool.
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    #3
    First of all, I want to send many hugs for all that you are dealing with. Unfortuantely, Ashley. is correct in the fact that unless your condition was life threatening, and/or the person who passed away was immediate family, the military most often will not recognize the situation as urgent enough to send someone home from deployment. In my spouse's unit, there was a guy whose wife had a severely high risk pregnancy and was due to have her baby within the week after they were supposed to deploy. She is in a wheel chair and needs assistance on a regular basis anyway. Even under those circumstances, they would not clear him to leave one week later, even though there was another later flight with plenty of room for him. The military can be unforgiving sometimes, and depending on the people they work with, even trying to ask to leave can cause big issues that are often not worth getting into. There is a stigma attached to asking to miss part of a deployment, unfortuantely. That said, I can understand your uneasiness about the situation. I know a few weeks seems like an eternity, considering your current pain and hardships, but the reality is that it is really ONLY a few weeks. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Try your best to be strong, and I know when she comes home, you will be able to smooth out the situation and, hopefully, find some relief. Keep us posted!
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    Thank you for replying. I know my story was long winded but I mentioned somewhere in there or if I didn't, I postponed my surgery (non life threatening) the first time that was scheduled earlier in January because she told me she was the only one that does her job, meaning critical. So I didn't push through a RC message to the command. So now when I actually pushed a message through the RC with the same set of circumstances, "emergency leave was granted immediately". In hindsight, who knows what would have been said back then but I didn't act back then. So with only a couple weeks to go and a replacement person on hand, I figured why not now come back a little earlier. And I definitely know it's up to the command. But there was a flight last night she was still hesitant on taking and wants to just wait a few more days. So I say, just stay till the end in that case. But wouldn't a loving Mother who hasn't seen her family over the last year or so be interested in departing immediately when granted to EL? After all, I am told the conditions were so horrible. So to me, it wasn't the command objecting to anything but my wife coming up with issues. Could it be she is afraid of becoming a Mother again after so long. Not to brag but I did an excellent handling everything possible to include ensuring top school achievement for my kids, household chores, volunteer work, coaching sports, travel and leisure, and dealing with my personal physical pain for surgery and my own immediate family bereavement. You know, all the things that come with being left alone with 2 young kids. Thank you.
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    #5
    I understand why this situation would be stressful for you and it sucks that you are having to deal with so much bad stuff while she is gone.

    However, as Ashley pointed out, it would need to be a life or death situation.

    Also, I understand your frustration over having her say things like, "I'm the only one who can do my job" and wanting to believe that anyone could step in and train (I had similar thoughts when DH and I first got together and he was ALWAYS training and it always felt like he "was the only one who could do his job"). But frankly, her comment may very well be true depending on her position and job. Depending on what training she does, most people can't just step in and take over that role. The military has very strict standards over service members having received specific training at various schools prior to being able to train others. Really, it comes down to safety and making sure that the service member receiving training is getting good training. Good training can make the difference between life and death.

    And, I can see why she would be sending you signals that she wasn't happy about coming home. I can't think of the best way to phrase this, but you essentially meddled in her affairs even though you knew that she was already going to be coming home in a few weeks. Again, I see how being in pain and the stress of facing an upcoming surgery would add to pressure of feeling like you needed to get involved, but your actions can have ramifications on her and her career as well. I know that this point might not be applicable to your exact situation because maybe your situation really DID need your intervention with the ARC (it's hard to tell for sure given the information you provided). There are some cases when it does, for sure.

    Lastly, I get the general feeling that you think "Oh, it's okay for our situation to be different because she says her workplace sucks." That is a VERY slippery slope to go down, IMO. A lot of spouses complain about shit in the workplace to their spouses, whether civilian or military. It doesn't feel fair to have you use things that she's vented to you about her work as ammo to explain and justify your actions.

    Just my 2 cents on the topic. I hope everything goes well for you going forward.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by johnson8412 View Post
    Thank you for replying. I know my story was long winded but I mentioned somewhere in there or if I didn't, I postponed my surgery (non life threatening) the first time that was scheduled earlier in January because she told me she was the only one that does her job, meaning critical. So I didn't push through a RC message to the command. So now when I actually pushed a message through the RC with the same set of circumstances, "emergency leave was granted immediately". In hindsight, who knows what would have been said back then but I didn't act back then. So with only a couple weeks to go and a replacement person on hand, I figured why not now come back a little earlier. And I definitely know it's up to the command. But there was a flight last night she was still hesitant on taking and wants to just wait a few more days. So I say, just stay till the end in that case. But wouldn't a loving Mother who hasn't seen her family over the last year or so be interested in departing immediately when granted to EL? After all, I am told the conditions were so horrible. So to me, it wasn't the command objecting to anything but my wife coming up with issues. Could it be she is afraid of becoming a Mother again after so long. Not to brag but I did an excellent handling everything possible to include ensuring top school achievement for my kids, household chores, volunteer work, coaching sports, travel and leisure, and dealing with my personal physical pain for surgery and my own immediate family bereavement. You know, all the things that come with being left alone with 2 young kids. Thank you.
    Or, maybe she realizes that your upcoming surgery is not life-threatening and can wait a few more days so that she can complete her mission for the people who depend on her over there.
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    Thank you but as you seen in my post, EL was granted! Immediately! And as I mentioned, I've been on 3 deployments myself with the MCorps so I do know how the RC and the command's work. And now to think of it, I was denied emergency leave for my Mother being ill because it wasn't life threatening. She only had a stroke and lived so the "command" felt like it wasn't necessary for me to be there. That's how the MCorps worded. So I do know how it is.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by johnson8412 View Post
    Well, normally a lady is the spouse but I am a male spouse. My wife is overseas and about 3 weeks till end of tour. She is very dedicated to her job like most and just missed selection to Warrant last week. Feeling real down right now. (keep that in mind) During the holidays just past had a medical issue that required surgery and a death in the family at the same time. I reached out to several people at the FRG, and unbelievably no response. Those people during the pre deployment briefs swore up and down they are there when you need them. I was just looking from a reply back from an email and nothing!! Went on post and talked to the American Red Cross about my situation and maybe the possibilities of getting my wife back temporarily. When I told my wife the things that were going on, her first response was she was the only that could do her job and gave me a list of alternatives to get some help. She said a few seconds later, well ok do what you have to do as far as the RC. I am a disabled veteran taking care of 2 younger kids, 11 and 6 and have no family in the area that could help me out which we both know that. My heart was broken in a split second when she said she is the only one that can do her job. You could pull any of those combat guys in there to train to do any job at a minimum and they would be quite happy. Didn't even think of that at first. Since her first response was those alternatives, I went ahead and dealt with things at home as to not put her in a situation to have to come back here temporary and then go back because she said the place over Afghan is god forsaken.

    So now weeks later my pain has gotten worse, her replacement has arrived, and she is training him. So I figure ok, she has a couple weeks left, replacement is there, so why not schedule my surgery that I postponed, and get her back here a few days early, remember she said it's horrible over there for her. Sent her a message just asking if she could get back a few days earlier and she replies, probably not now things are locked in but I will be back in a few weeks anyway. So never mind that she knows I sacrificed my body by postponing my surgery and going through the pain of losing an immediate family member right before Christmas. Asides from our conversations about the conditions there and as stated earlier feeling bad because of non selection to Warrant, I thought this would be just what she wanted, to get back now. Well, I pulled the trigger this time and went to the ARC and they made it happen. She is heading home immediately but unbelievably, she is showing me all the signs of "NOT" wanting to come back now. She's been working with an NCOIC she says was lazy the whole time there so I thought she'd be ready. But no, she still says it's better to wait a few more days so I can have more leave time is what she explained over the phone. I was dumb founded, really ticked the hell off, and frankly shocked at what she was telling me!!

    The unit is already scheduled to go back in 2015 so she will be with them.

    What am I supposed to think?? I've been on 3 deployments and if someone needed my help back home I was the one saying go to the RC so they can get a message here so I will be gone. Truly, I don't know really what happened over there and how it was for her, her first deployment also. Was the work environment as bad as described??? How do I know a picture was painted that wasn't really what it appeared?? We have a close marriage and never had any issues but we know the ratio of men to women is 1000 to 13 or so, but what would be the hesitation of leaving a few days earlier than the main body?? You have 2 young kids here that miss their mother and a husband that has serious medical concerns, so why would there be any hesitation to depart a place you say is god awful? And the work place is crammed, tense, irritable, and stressful you say???

    Give it to me straight??
    Quote Originally Posted by johnson8412 View Post
    Thank you for replying. I know my story was long winded but I mentioned somewhere in there or if I didn't, I postponed my surgery (non life threatening) the first time that was scheduled earlier in January because she told me she was the only one that does her job, meaning critical. So I didn't push through a RC message to the command. So now when I actually pushed a message through the RC with the same set of circumstances, "emergency leave was granted immediately". In hindsight, who knows what would have been said back then but I didn't act back then. So with only a couple weeks to go and a replacement person on hand, I figured why not now come back a little earlier. And I definitely know it's up to the command. But there was a flight last night she was still hesitant on taking and wants to just wait a few more days. So I say, just stay till the end in that case. But wouldn't a loving Mother who hasn't seen her family over the last year or so be interested in departing immediately when granted to EL? After all, I am told the conditions were so horrible. So to me, it wasn't the command objecting to anything but my wife coming up with issues. Could it be she is afraid of becoming a Mother again after so long. Not to brag but I did an excellent handling everything possible to include ensuring top school achievement for my kids, household chores, volunteer work, coaching sports, travel and leisure, and dealing with my personal physical pain for surgery and my own immediate family bereavement. You know, all the things that come with being left alone with 2 young kids. Thank you.
    Quote Originally Posted by johnson8412 View Post
    Thank you but as you seen in my post, EL was granted! Immediately! And as I mentioned, I've been on 3 deployments myself with the MCorps so I do know how the RC and the command's work. And now to think of it, I was denied emergency leave for my Mother being ill because it wasn't life threatening. She only had a stroke and lived so the "command" felt like it wasn't necessary for me to be there. That's how the MCorps worded. So I do know how it is.
    It *could * be a lot of things - possibly the points you made, possibly the points raised by those who have responded and possibly something that neither have raised yet. The only person who can answer this for you is your wife
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    #9
    Hmm, so is that saying the command is a little more compassionate than the spouse? I would expect the command to feel that way. Jarring my memory now, I did get EL when I was in Korea on deployment and returned after the situation was resolved a week later. The command again could have said no because they have the authority to do so.
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    #10
    Thank you Grey, your reply made most sense.
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