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Thread: Sink or Swim - Please Help Me

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    #1

    Help Sink or Swim - Please Help Me

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    Hey Everyone:

    I know I've put up many posts about DB and I struggling with communication. During the holiday's things were at the worst and DB finally just said he feels like I'm barrowing trouble and that we should just be content that we are still together. Ok, I can live with that and things have been a lot better, until recently.

    Now he is on travel (not deployed) which involve very long nights but he as the opportunity to get out an explore on the weekends or when there is some down time, which is something he's been wanting to do for a while so I'm happy for him. Before he left he said that we may not get to talk as much but we would be at least able to say hi everyday (I love that he is willing to do this). However, since he started the trip I haven't seen a good morning/good night/I love you message from him even when I send one to him. Now this wouldn't normally bug me because I know how busy he is and that he may not have the greatest cell reception (this is his main excuse) but if we are in the middle of talking I don't understand why he can't say I'm tired and I'm going to be but I love you......I mean obviously the reception is fine. In addition, this is something he has insisted on receiving from me since we started dating years ago.

    I know I was really angry about the double standard and tried to talk to him about it but he just said it's b/c he doesn't have reliable service where he is at . So in an effort to not be so mad about the situation and to give him the space he needs to get his work done I stopped texting to him as much but still sent him good morning and good night messages, which works well b/c I'm swamped at work, and now he's upset wondering why I'm no being myself To put a cherry on top of everything today is our anniversary and even though we talked a little this morning he didn't say happy anniversary......

    Some of my friends are saying he's just being selfish and you need to think about jetting but I know that he cares about me deeply because of the way he gets when he thinks I'm leaving.... but I just don't know what to do.

    DB wants to talk this weekend (Yuck) and I'm not sure what I should do or how to talk to him about how I feel like he is the one pulling away b/c of the way he demands so much from me but when I ask for the same consideration we end up in a fight...

    Thoughts/Suggestions?
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by NightBreeze View Post
    Hey Everyone:

    I know I've put up many posts about DB and I struggling with communication. During the holiday's things were at the worst and DB finally just said he feels like I'm barrowing trouble and that we should just be content that we are still together. Ok, I can live with that and things have been a lot better, until recently.

    Now he is on travel (not deployed) which involve very long nights but he as the opportunity to get out an explore on the weekends or when there is some down time, which is something he's been wanting to do for a while so I'm happy for him. Before he left he said that we may not get to talk as much but we would be at least able to say hi everyday (I love that he is willing to do this). However, since he started the trip I haven't seen a good morning/good night/I love you message from him even when I send one to him. Now this wouldn't normally bug me because I know how busy he is and that he may not have the greatest cell reception (this is his main excuse) but if we are in the middle of talking I don't understand why he can't say I'm tired and I'm going to be but I love you......I mean obviously the reception is fine. In addition, this is something he has insisted on receiving from me since we started dating years ago.

    I know I was really angry about the double standard and tried to talk to him about it but he just said it's b/c he doesn't have reliable service where he is at . So in an effort to not be so mad about the situation and to give him the space he needs to get his work done I stopped texting to him as much but still sent him good morning and good night messages, which works well b/c I'm swamped at work, and now he's upset wondering why I'm no being myself To put a cherry on top of everything today is our anniversary and even though we talked a little this morning he didn't say happy anniversary......

    Some of my friends are saying he's just being selfish and you need to think about jetting but I know that he cares about me deeply because of the way he gets when he thinks I'm leaving.... but I just don't know what to do.

    DB wants to talk this weekend (Yuck) and I'm not sure what I should do or how to talk to him about how I feel like he is the one pulling away b/c of the way he demands so much from me but when I ask for the same consideration we end up in a fight...

    Thoughts/Suggestions?
    On the bolded - does he truly "insist" that you do this? What does/would happen or be his reaction if you did not do it?
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    I have said this before and I will say it again...If a man wants to talk to you, he will talk to you. It is absolutely not too much to ask for him to send you at least one message on FB, or email, a day, even if it's a short one, no matter where in the world he is. Unless he is deployed (which your DB isn't), or he tells you ahead of time that he will be traveling for the weekend, and won't be able to contact you because of bad cell service, etc. Him telling you that you should feel content with the fact that you're still together is just BS. There's more to a relationship than just being together. Sometimes you just have to make sacrifices, and even though he's tired or whatever other excuse he has, he has to realize that hearing from him is important to you, and suck it up, and send you a quick message.

    Double standards are never good. Went through that with an ex, who thought he could go out and party with his buddies whenever he wanted to, but when I wanted to do the same with girlfriends, it was the end of the world.
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    #4
    Hmmm. Honestly, I'm of the opinion that a relationship shouldn't be this much damn work. I was long distance with my now-DH, and he called me every single day. Now, he wasn't deployed, but he was in school, two time zones away, taking 20 credit hours. He was in class A LOT, and studying tons, and had unit stuff to do too, but he would NEVER tell me that he just didn't have time for me. He didn't have much free time at all, but what little he had, he made sure a portion was dedicated to me.

    Your situation is a little different, but again, based on my own experiences, my husband always calls or communicates when he's away if he's able. He went on a four day hunting trip and texted me every day, just to say he was thinking about me. He went to NC to watch his old boss retire, and even though he was gone for less than 48 hours, he called to chat and let me know he wished I could be there with him. I don't know where your DB is that he has such unreliable reception, but if he is able to text at all, then I'd be feeling very hurt if I were in your shoes.

    It may just come down to incompatibility. You guys may be very compatible in person, but if he can't meet your (very reasonable) needs for communication while he's away, then he may not be the guy for you, at least right now. That sucks, and is painful, but both of you deserve a relationship with someone who is able to meet their needs.
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    Clearly, he could be talking to you. He's choosing not to, even after you've made it clear to him that it is important to you.

    Yes, he sad when you try to leave. That's because he's on the verge of losing a woman who he can demand things of and get, while not having to actually give any more than he cares to. That's a damn fine situation for him. All the benefits, none of the responsibilities. He'd be sad to lose something he can take take take from while not having to give equally in return. Don't take that as a sign of love and respect for you. Take it as a sign of laziness and taking advantage.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    Clearly, he could be talking to you. He's choosing not to, even after you've made it clear to him that it is important to you.

    Yes, he sad when you try to leave. That's because he's on the verge of losing a woman who he can demand things of and get, while not having to actually give any more than he cares to. That's a damn fine situation for him. All the benefits, none of the responsibilities. He'd be sad to lose something he can take take take from while not having to give equally in return. Don't take that as a sign of love and respect for you. Take it as a sign of laziness and taking advantage.
    - there is a pattern in your past posts that just does not illustrate a happy, healthy relationship between two people here - and that makes me sad for you, OP.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ol' Grey Mare View Post
    On the bolded - does he truly "insist" that you do this? What does/would happen or be his reaction if you did not do it?
    You know it's been so long since we've had the conversation on giving and receiving these kind of message that I don't honestly remember exactly what he said beyond it was really important that we say that to each other and him wondering if I was upset with him when I would leave for work and not say I love you......

    Sigh, I guess that's where my confusion comes from and my concern that I'm making a mountain out of a hill. We do talk every day, sometimes it is a short hey how was your day but I still hear from him so I'm happy about that. He has plans to be home for my birthday and this is the first event or holiday where he hasn't said happy (fill in the blank). What just concerns me is this is the first trip to a new place and he's all excited to be seeing new things and then working 14 hour days that him being tired I think is completely justified but not saying I love you before going to work or going to sleep has only really started on this trip and since he's indicated how important it is to have I'm really confused as to why that has stopped. I know his "I don't have signal" is complete BS and I'm not trying to make excuses I just want to make sure my explanation is more complete.

    Yes I am concerned that part of his fear that I'm leaving is because he thinks that I'm a women he can just take from except that he learned long before he left that I won't wait around for him. If I wanted to go out I went out, if I was bored b/c he was gaming I called a girl or guy friend and made plans. This largely stopped when he got this assignment because we spent a lot of time working on what he needed in order to get out there and it has continued just b/c he's been homesick and a little depressed. So if anything I've got into a bad habit where yes he might be feeling comfortable enough to think he can take without giving back but it's not in his nature to be that way so I'm not sure that's the only reason for his fear (or at least I hope not).

    So is everyone's advice that I walk away or should I wait and talk to him about all of this and see what happens?
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    I am not saying drop everything and walk away. I'd have another talk with him. But you putting YUCK after you said he wanted to talk speaks volumes to me, TBH.

    I am not one for giving ultimatums, but to be honest, if things didn't change, I'd walk away. No way would I stay with someone again (because I've been there, so I don't take shit anymore) who has so little regard of my feelings and needs.
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    Asking someone you love and who claims to love you to do something fairly simple and that is important to you is no asking too much. And when he doesn't do it, after repeated discussions, it is not making a mountain out of a molehill.

    Yes, he's excited to see new things. And what he is very clearly telling you is that seeing a new bar (or whatever) is more important to him than you are. It takes 30 seconds to send a text. You aren't worth 30 seconds to him right now. Any excuse he gives you (or that you make up for him) that he's tired, busy, in a new place, whatever, is just that... an excuse. You are curious about why he stopped? Because he just doesn't respect or value you enough to bother. I know that's harsh and painful, but it's the reality of what his actions are telling you.

    I would walk away, but then I tolerate very little nonsense from men. It sounds like you already have talked to him about it, several times. Why will one more time be any different, long term? It might change his behavior again for a short time, but he's shown you that talking to him about this isn't going to make any real change.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    LOl Reagan I said Yuck because I don't want to wait until the weekend to talk. I'm one of those people that wants to address a problem right away and DB likes to take the time to think about things.

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