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Thread: The first year of marriage is the hardest...

  1. I'm not drunk, you're just blurry.
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    #1

    The first year of marriage is the hardest...

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    I'm hearing this a lot lately. It's like a love/hate thing because it makes me feel better about some of the struggles I'm having but at the same time I just keep counting down the days when we hit that "one year marker" even though I know that's not going to change anything. It's not like one year passes and some magic wand is waved and glitter and unicorns pop up everywhere and everything just turns okay.



    I'm struggling right now. Struggling with day to day life, struggling with finances, struggling with my daughter and her new found attitude to not listen to me, struggling with my husband and his new found attitude to think every tiny little thing needs to turn into a debate or argument. I feel like I'm starting to resent him for his lack of help with housework and financial management and taking care of DD and his "free-spirited" attitude towards so many things I take somewhat seriously and I've explained this to him and it makes things better for like a week then it's just back to the same old grind! I feel like I'm losing my patience more and more with my daughter to the point of breaking down because I feel like I'm failing her as a parent. I feel like my anxiety is coming back ten fold. I get anxious about everything from bills to work to even just small things like our house being messy or laundry not being done to what's for dinner tonight.

    I'm so exhausted. Just writing this I'm tearing up because no one ever tells you this is how things can be. They don't tell you how hard it is or how much work it turns into.

    I want so badly to find something to make all of this work. I need to find a system that works for our family so we can start building towards making things better/easier and find a happy medium to make everyone happier in the long run. I love my daughter beyond what words can describe. I love my husband more than I can explain. I just NEED to know things can get better... But I need advice on HOW to make things better. How to let the little, insignificant things go and to find a comprimise on things that have more meaning. All of you on here I have so much respect and admiration for so many of you and strive to find ways to be like some of you and I just feel like posting this here I can maybe get that kick in the ass I need to just do something.

    So tell me stories, give me harsh advice, hugs and rainbows or goodvibes. I'll honestly take anything. I just want to know these feelings I'm having are normal, that I'm not just some crazy, washed up newlywed whose struggling alone.


  2. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #2


    I had a hard time my first year we were married too. You think you plan for everything and you talk about everything they say to talk about before you get married ... but there's stuff you didn't think you would have to talk about, something turned out different in theory than practice, circumstances change, and some of that "once size fits all" advice turns out to be HORRIBLE, etc. I think it's a lot of learning about yourself, your partner, your priorities, and above all communication and conflict resolution.

    At the point I was struggling the most, I bought The Love Dare and did it for DH. I think it really helped us. Not to say that it would help everyone, but I thought I had to do something and it turned out to be helpful, plus once he realized what I did (I didn't tell him until after it was over), he really appreciated it.

    I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Maybe we need to meet up again soon. I'm always here if you need someone.
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    #3
    first hugs!!

    We never experienced a first hard year- but then again we went into marriage with a different mind set then most.
    we also lived together for a long time and were able to work out issues as the came up.

    Many people go into marriage with unrealistic expectations; for you you say he is a free spirit and you had to know that before you got married, Did you expect that to change?
    housework finances? did you discuss this before marriage?

    seriously look at your expectations and what you wanted from the relationship BEFORE you go married, compare those to how "reality' is and how reality was before Marriage.
    You cannot make changes alone and for changes to happen he will have to be 100% on board.
    but I can promise you that if you try to change him from being " a free spirit" you will end up divorced.
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    #4



    No harsh criticism or advice from me. Marriage is one of the biggest life changing events you will go through. It's more than a wedding day, it's a life. And you're combining that with childrearing, another of the biggest life changing events you go through. Taking on both at once is hard and humbling.


    It gets better. You will iron out the wrinkles and learn how to live with each other. Your daughter will grow and change and move through different phases.

    It is important that you guys get on the same page regarding the big things - financial and parenting. You've talked, permanent changes aren't apparent to you. It may help you both to meet with a financial planner to get on the same place with finances. An impartial third party can look at your books and listen to your goals and give you advice. Both of you taking advice from a professional will take the "personal" out of the discussion and hopefully lead to baby steps to permanent changes for both of you.

    Some things, you may need to take a hard look at yourself and decide if it's really him or if it's you. I use to seethe when my husband would drop his keys, wallet, travel mug and lunch box on the kitchen counter when he came in. but you know what? That was my problem not his - he wasn't doing anything wrong, I just hate shit being out of place. So I would meet him and ask him about his day and put things away. I let it go because it was my ridiculous standard and it wasn't fair to expect him to walk in the door and meet my standards of what I thought was crap on the counter.

    What are some of the things specifically that are causing you so much anxiety? What exactly do you mean "lack of help with housework and financial management"? does he not do anything with either? Is he bad at saving? Does he not clean the bathroom the way you like? Give me some specific examples and I can talk with you about them.
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    #5
    :Hugs

    I don't know if this would help at all but I did it in my first marriage when my daughter was small. I planted the whole weeks menu on Friday night/Saturday morning. Then grocery shopped prepping all the fruits and veggies and sometimes every propping the meat for the week ie Browning all the hamburger and putting it into separate freezer packages in appropriate amounts for the week.

    This saved time and allowed my the husband to know what the meal was so if he was home first he could start the process. On long weekends I would sometimes freeze extra meals so there was a backup in case of what ever
    I know its a little thing but hopefully it relieves a little stress in one area.

    I also made my then hubby sit down and help with Bill. Paying so. He could see what we were spending vs what we made. He was terrible with money and this helped him a little bit

    . I hope you can Destress a little. Sorry for typos I'm on my phone.
  6. I was the perfect mom, until I had kids.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Lynn View Post



    No harsh criticism or advice from me. Marriage is one of the biggest life changing events you will go through. It's more than a wedding day, it's a life. And you're combining that with childrearing, another of the biggest life changing events you go through. Taking on both at once is hard and humbling.


    It gets better. You will iron out the wrinkles and learn how to live with each other. Your daughter will grow and change and move through different phases.

    It is important that you guys get on the same page regarding the big things - financial and parenting. You've talked, permanent changes aren't apparent to you. It may help you both to meet with a financial planner to get on the same place with finances. An impartial third party can look at your books and listen to your goals and give you advice. Both of you taking advice from a professional will take the "personal" out of the discussion and hopefully lead to baby steps to permanent changes for both of you.

    Some things, you may need to take a hard look at yourself and decide if it's really him or if it's you. I use to seethe when my husband would drop his keys, wallet, travel mug and lunch box on the kitchen counter when he came in. but you know what? That was my problem not his - he wasn't doing anything wrong, I just hate shit being out of place. So I would meet him and ask him about his day and put things away. I let it go because it was my ridiculous standard and it wasn't fair to expect him to walk in the door and meet my standards of what I thought was crap on the counter.

    What are some of the things specifically that are causing you so much anxiety? What exactly do you mean "lack of help with housework and financial management"? does he not do anything with either? Is he bad at saving? Does he not clean the bathroom the way you like? Give me some specific examples and I can talk with you about them.
    with everything Lynn said

    DH and I spent our first year of marriage apart, so we didn't have any issues other than distance, but our 2nd year of marriage (the 1st year we'd lived with one another away from friends and family), was definitely tough.

    I think a big thing that helped us was communication. Are you letting him know how stressed you are? Does he know that you're freaked out because of his lack of help in the household and finances? Or is it something you just hold in, get stressed about, and then let the little things he does annoy you? (Asking because that's what I used to do I didn't want a confrontation so I buried my feelings until they exploded).

    Lynn makes a great point with the bolded. Compromise and admitting to my own faults was another thing that helped us, as it did for him. We'd never lived with one another before, so we didn't go into with an expectations, only what we were used to, and what we were used to as individuals, didn't work for us as a couple.

    This is definitely something that you're not going to be able to fix alone though, because I doubt that it's all you. Maybe start with writing a list of things that you feel you really need help with and need him to compromise on. Go through and see if any of those things are really big issues, or if there's something on your end that's making them a bigger deal than they are. Then take what's left, sit down, and talk it out with him.



  7. Come along with me, misery loves company.
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    #7
    would he be willing to go to counseling? Just to try and work out the kinks to get you guys on the same page. and you should go to counceling yourself. Anxiety is a bitch, and it can cause a lot of unneeded bs in a relationship. I have serious anxiety and it's made any problems much much worse than they had to be.
    I know our base provides financial planning, maybe you guys can seek that out? DH did it when I was dealing with child support crap so I could show the court where we stand. It helped show us everything, and how to spend/save/whatever pretty nicely. Not just looking at your bank account vs your pay checks vs bills which can be extremely overwhelming.

    again.
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    #8
    I've got no advice because, quite frankly, I don't feel like I've been married long enough to give you advice. I will say that the first year of our marriage had challenges and we both had to learn to compromise (we're still working on this too) about the little things. We had to learn to talk about the small stuff before we argued about a pile of it at once. It helps us to have a discussion about the little things (not an arguement but a calm discussion) instead of letting stuff build until we blow up at each other.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lynn View Post



    No harsh criticism or advice from me. Marriage is one of the biggest life changing events you will go through. It's more than a wedding day, it's a life. And you're combining that with childrearing, another of the biggest life changing events you go through. Taking on both at once is hard and humbling.


    It gets better. You will iron out the wrinkles and learn how to live with each other. Your daughter will grow and change and move through different phases.

    It is important that you guys get on the same page regarding the big things - financial and parenting. You've talked, permanent changes aren't apparent to you. It may help you both to meet with a financial planner to get on the same place with finances. An impartial third party can look at your books and listen to your goals and give you advice. Both of you taking advice from a professional will take the "personal" out of the discussion and hopefully lead to baby steps to permanent changes for both of you.

    Some things, you may need to take a hard look at yourself and decide if it's really him or if it's you. I use to seethe when my husband would drop his keys, wallet, travel mug and lunch box on the kitchen counter when he came in. but you know what? That was my problem not his - he wasn't doing anything wrong, I just hate shit being out of place. So I would meet him and ask him about his day and put things away. I let it go because it was my ridiculous standard and it wasn't fair to expect him to walk in the door and meet my standards of what I thought was crap on the counter.

    What are some of the things specifically that are causing you so much anxiety? What exactly do you mean "lack of help with housework and financial management"? does he not do anything with either? Is he bad at saving? Does he not clean the bathroom the way you like? Give me some specific examples and I can talk with you about them.
    Quote Originally Posted by *IGrow'EmXL* View Post
    with everything Lynn said

    DH and I spent our first year of marriage apart, so we didn't have any issues other than distance, but our 2nd year of marriage (the 1st year we'd lived with one another away from friends and family), was definitely tough.

    I think a big thing that helped us was communication. Are you letting him know how stressed you are? Does he know that you're freaked out because of his lack of help in the household and finances? Or is it something you just hold in, get stressed about, and then let the little things he does annoy you? (Asking because that's what I used to do I didn't want a confrontation so I buried my feelings until they exploded).

    Lynn makes a great point with the bolded. Compromise and admitting to my own faults was another thing that helped us, as it did for him. We'd never lived with one another before, so we didn't go into with an expectations, only what we were used to, and what we were used to as individuals, didn't work for us as a couple.

    This is definitely something that you're not going to be able to fix alone though, because I doubt that it's all you. Maybe start with writing a list of things that you feel you really need help with and need him to compromise on. Go through and see if any of those things are really big issues, or if there's something on your end that's making them a bigger deal than they are. Then take what's left, sit down, and talk it out with him.

    Both of these are really great advice, that I think I'll be taking too!

    Amanda, if you need to talk or vent you know how to get in touch with me and I'll send you my cell if ya wanna text!


  9. I'm not drunk, you're just blurry.
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    #9
    So firstly sorry for the massive quote but everyone had some good things to say

    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post


    I had a hard time my first year we were married too. You think you plan for everything and you talk about everything they say to talk about before you get married ... but there's stuff you didn't think you would have to talk about, something turned out different in theory than practice, circumstances change, and some of that "once size fits all" advice turns out to be HORRIBLE, etc. I think it's a lot of learning about yourself, your partner, your priorities, and above all communication and conflict resolution.

    At the point I was struggling the most, I bought The Love Dare and did it for DH. I think it really helped us. Not to say that it would help everyone, but I thought I had to do something and it turned out to be helpful, plus once he realized what I did (I didn't tell him until after it was over), he really appreciated it.

    I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Maybe we need to meet up again soon. I'm always here if you need someone.
    Thanks so much I think maybe just a meet up or some time away would do wonders. It's just good to get out of the house and see friends and just talk! We should plan one soon

    Quote Originally Posted by gunsgirl View Post
    first hugs!!

    We never experienced a first hard year- but then again we went into marriage with a different mind set then most.
    we also lived together for a long time and were able to work out issues as the came up.

    Many people go into marriage with unrealistic expectations; for you you say he is a free spirit and you had to know that before you got married, Did you expect that to change?

    housework finances? did you discuss this before marriage?

    seriously look at your expectations and what you wanted from the relationship BEFORE you go married, compare those to how "reality' is and how reality was before Marriage.
    You cannot make changes alone and for changes to happen he will have to be 100% on board.
    but I can promise you that if you try to change him from being " a free spirit" you will end up divorced.
    We did discuss this before marriage but I think there was an unrealistic standard set from the get go because of how different things are now versus those first few months. I was a stay at home mom, all the house work was done, dinner was made when he was home, DD was taken care of. That's just how things were, I wasn't working so it was an agreed upon thing that is how things happened. Now that I'm working, I don't think we ever stopped to just say "Hey this is what needs to happen now!" and we haven't reset those expectations. I definitely do not want to change the way he is though because I 100% know him being the way he is is NOT a negative thing. It's one of the many reasons I love him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lynn View Post



    No harsh criticism or advice from me. Marriage is one of the biggest life changing events you will go through. It's more than a wedding day, it's a life. And you're combining that with childrearing, another of the biggest life changing events you go through. Taking on both at once is hard and humbling.


    It gets better. You will iron out the wrinkles and learn how to live with each other. Your daughter will grow and change and move through different phases.

    It is important that you guys get on the same page regarding the big things - financial and parenting. You've talked, permanent changes aren't apparent to you. It may help you both to meet with a financial planner to get on the same place with finances. An impartial third party can look at your books and listen to your goals and give you advice. Both of you taking advice from a professional will take the "personal" out of the discussion and hopefully lead to baby steps to permanent changes for both of you.

    Some things, you may need to take a hard look at yourself and decide if it's really him or if it's you. I use to seethe when my husband would drop his keys, wallet, travel mug and lunch box on the kitchen counter when he came in. but you know what? That was my problem not his - he wasn't doing anything wrong, I just hate shit being out of place. So I would meet him and ask him about his day and put things away. I let it go because it was my ridiculous standard and it wasn't fair to expect him to walk in the door and meet my standards of what I thought was crap on the counter.

    What are some of the things specifically that are causing you so much anxiety? What exactly do you mean "lack of help with housework and financial management"? does he not do anything with either? Is he bad at saving? Does he not clean the bathroom the way you like? Give me some specific examples and I can talk with you about them.
    Lynn, thank you so so much

    I think a lot of what you said kind of hit home for me and it definitely made me feel like I'm not crazy.

    I honestly do think a lot of it is me sometimes. I'm just really controlling, I have this constant want/need to be 100% aware of everything is going on at every waking moment for the most part. A lot of the things he does just make me seem so damn nit picky, like I got on him the other day because he unloaded the dishwasher but didn't reload it, he leaves all his shoes in the living room ALL the time, he literally destroys the kitchen when he cooks (he is NOT a clean cook ) and when he cooks I always agreed to do dishes and vice versa but I'm just watching him cook and can feel the anxiety build up when I see him doing something that's making a mess or doing something different than the way I would. It's ridiculous. When I cook, I clean as I go so literally the kitchen is for the most part spotless so nothing has to be done when dinner is over. He leaves towels on the floor, he leaves lights on and random cabinet doors open. When he drives, he kind of speeds too much or he stops to fast. I mean writing this down, it is 100% me just freaking out over things I cannot control.

    As for the financial part of it, he's kind of frivilous with money which is something I am trying to help him work on. He doesn't pay attention to finances and this is something I've had to do since I was 19. I became a parent at 20, I was living on my own, taking care of a baby, working two jobs and going through college at the same time... I grew up SO fast whereas he didn't have those same circumstances and now I'm essentially trying to make him realize it is a lot more work than you realize. Budgeting and family planning and parenting, it's not something that just happens and I don't think he gets that sometimes.

    Quote Originally Posted by roxs28 View Post
    :Hugs

    I don't know if this would help at all but I did it in my first marriage when my daughter was small. I planted the whole weeks menu on Friday night/Saturday morning. Then grocery shopped prepping all the fruits and veggies and sometimes every propping the meat for the week ie Browning all the hamburger and putting it into separate freezer packages in appropriate amounts for the week.

    This saved time and allowed my the husband to know what the meal was so if he was home first he could start the process. On long weekends I would sometimes freeze extra meals so there was a backup in case of what ever
    I know its a little thing but hopefully it relieves a little stress in one area.

    I also made my then hubby sit down and help with Bill. Paying so. He could see what we were spending vs what we made. He was terrible with money and this helped him a little bit

    . I hope you can Destress a little. Sorry for typos I'm on my phone.
    Thanks I think sitting him down and making him write the bills out with me will help and I like the meal planning idea. I did that for a while when I was a SAHM but then I started working and the job has kind of just overwhelmed me but I need to get back in it and encourage him to help too!

    Quote Originally Posted by *IGrow'EmXL* View Post
    with everything Lynn said

    DH and I spent our first year of marriage apart, so we didn't have any issues other than distance, but our 2nd year of marriage (the 1st year we'd lived with one another away from friends and family), was definitely tough.

    I think a big thing that helped us was communication. Are you letting him know how stressed you are? Does he know that you're freaked out because of his lack of help in the household and finances? Or is it something you just hold in, get stressed about, and then let the little things he does annoy you? (Asking because that's what I used to do I didn't want a confrontation so I buried my feelings until they exploded).

    Lynn makes a great point with the bolded. Compromise and admitting to my own faults was another thing that helped us, as it did for him. We'd never lived with one another before, so we didn't go into with an expectations, only what we were used to, and what we were used to as individuals, didn't work for us as a couple.

    This is definitely something that you're not going to be able to fix alone though, because I doubt that it's all you. Maybe start with writing a list of things that you feel you really need help with and need him to compromise on. Go through and see if any of those things are really big issues, or if there's something on your end that's making them a bigger deal than they are. Then take what's left, sit down, and talk it out with him.

    Thanks love

    I think it is a communication issue on my part... I do the same thing, I let the emotions pent up inside and then it all hits like a ton of bricks and I explode. We didn't really live together before we were married, it was maybe 2 weeks tops that we had moved into our new place before the wedding but we had family there for half of that. I like the idea of writing everything down. I generally can word my thoughts better on paper rather than through talking it out so that's a good idea


  10. I'm not drunk, you're just blurry.
    amandalouwho2's Avatar
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by gogogadgetsam View Post
    would he be willing to go to counseling? Just to try and work out the kinks to get you guys on the same page. and you should go to counceling yourself. Anxiety is a bitch, and it can cause a lot of unneeded bs in a relationship. I have serious anxiety and it's made any problems much much worse than they had to be.
    I know our base provides financial planning, maybe you guys can seek that out? DH did it when I was dealing with child support crap so I could show the court where we stand. It helped show us everything, and how to spend/save/whatever pretty nicely. Not just looking at your bank account vs your pay checks vs bills which can be extremely overwhelming.

    again.
    I was thinking of looking into counceling for myself at least to figure out why I am so anxious about a lot of the things I find myself worrying about. It's just really frustrating because I've been such a strong willed person ever since I had DD, it took me forever to admit I had some mild depression after having her and doing it by myself. I think I'm still having to adjust to the newness of everything too because for SO long it was just me and my little girl and now there is this third person in the picture and he's co-parenting with me helping with everything it's just still really new.

    ETA: Also, the financial planning advice sounds really helpful because frankly that is all I do figuring out our bills is matching up bank account totals versus paychecks we get and then paying it from there. It is SO stressful and overwhelming so I'll look into those resources.

    Quote Originally Posted by April Lynne View Post
    I've got no advice because, quite frankly, I don't feel like I've been married long enough to give you advice. I will say that the first year of our marriage had challenges and we both had to learn to compromise (we're still working on this too) about the little things. We had to learn to talk about the small stuff before we argued about a pile of it at once. It helps us to have a discussion about the little things (not an arguement but a calm discussion) instead of letting stuff build until we blow up at each other.

    Both of these are really great advice, that I think I'll be taking too!

    Amanda, if you need to talk or vent you know how to get in touch with me and I'll send you my cell if ya wanna text!
    Thank you

    I appreciate it I think I have your info so I may be chatting you up a lot more!!


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