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Thread: Post Deployment Let Down

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    #1

    Post Deployment Let Down

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    Alright this is going to sound like a big jumbled mess, I'm sure, but I'll do my best... and honestly, I know part of this is probably irrelevant, I just really need to vent.

    So background: I met my ex in late March. We met at a bar (yes, crazy I know), but hit it off really quickly. For the first few weeks, we were just texting back and forth, and would go back and meet up at the bar with mutual friends Friday nights. Then it got a bit more serious and he took me out on some dates and everything was going well. I then found out he was going to be deployed in late May and told him I couldn't rush into a relationship so close to a deployment. I guess things got way too seriously way too quickly and by the very end of April I couldn't imagine not committing to him. So we decided to give it shot and tried to make the best of our time together before he left. We were literally stuck like glue for that last month before he left and so so happy. Looking back, I know now how stupid it was to fall in love so quickly, but it seemed to make sense at the time.

    We talked about how if we could make it through a deployment together, we could make it through anything and I knew it was going to be hard, but a challenge I was willing to take on. We were both a wreck the day he left and as soon as I was driving home from seeing him off I was already thinking of ways to make this experience the best possible for us.

    So the first month was awesome. We texted and skyped all the time. Then after that first month, things started to get a little rocky. I would go out with my friends on weekends and post lots of pictures drinking and he would get jealous. He constantly accused me of cheating and I did my best to reassure him I wasn't, I just needed to go out with my friends to have a good time and take my mind off of things.

    We then started randomly fighting over the stupidest things ever. Things would get really bad for about a week, then a week later we'd make up and everything was better than ever (or so I thought). Even though we were constantly fighting back and forth, I'd still put my heart and soul into care packages and letters for him to make sure he got one monthly.

    During the summer, we cut down majorly on our skyping. There was a huge time difference and it was really hard to find time. We were still very back and forth, and things got so bad at the end of the summer I told him I think it was best we just take a break until he got back because this was becoming emotionally draining. He said he didn't want a break, but if that's what I needed to do then so be it. We ended up sort of making up and as far as I knew, our relationship was still on.

    A few days later I noticed he took our relationship off FB. I immediately questioned him on it and made up some stupid excuse about why it was taken down and would fix it later. Over the next month, we didn't talk as much as before, but every time we would I'd ask why he hasn't fixed it and why he was hiding the fact he was with me and he would come up with a new excuse each time. Then, all of a sudden about a month before he came back, he put it back up and things magically turned back to how they were the first month he was gone. He was SUPER sweet, started skyping me for about 2 hours every single day, and overall life was great.

    Finally it came time for him to come home. I was so so so excited. As soon as I got off work, I sped over to base and it was the most amazing feeling seeing him again. We just hugged and laughed in the parking lot for about ten minutes before going back to his place. I felt awesome, and like all the fighting and struggles and everything over the past six months were so worth it because we got through this together. Over the next few weeks, it didn't take long at all for us to pick up where we left off and we were back to being happy, young, and in love.

    But my curiosity definitely got the best of me. While he was in the shower one day, he had his phone laying on the bed. I knew I shouldn't snoop, but I couldn't help myself. I scrolled through his texts and everything was fine until I came across one. I remember seeing this girls name pop up on his fb over the summer and I was suspicious of her at the time, but she was married so I quickly tossed that idea. But when I saw the messages I felt like I opened Pandora's box...I found messages from her asking him if he's gotten rid of me yet, that she's going through a divorce just for him so he needs to man up and leave me, about how they'd hook up, how in love they were, and all this crap. As soon as he came in the room I lost it. I started crying and shaking and he asked what was wrong. I asked him if he was cheating on me and he just started crying.

    I told him I needed to know everything and I wanted him to show me the messages (why did I do that, they're so haunting..). He basically said that one night after drinking they hooked up. He said he wanted to stop it then but things spiraled out of control and it continued for the next few months. They'd see each other about once every two weeks. He went on saying how our relationship was so back and forth and he felt so alone and so hurt and he felt needed by her. I made him take me home and told him we were done.

    I felt so hurt, betrayed, stupid, everything. He kept contacting me apologizing saying this was the worst thing he has ever done in his life and he regrets it so so so badly and will do anything to get me back. After about a month, I finally agreed to facetime him and we talked for about 2 hours. About a week after that he came and took me out to dinner and after dinner we sat in his car talking for about 3 hours about everything that happened over the six months between us. How he felt before he cheated, during the cheating, and afterwards.

    I know I wasn't completely innocent in this situation (although I NEVER cheated) and truly do care for him. I'm constantly hearing I'd be so stupid for taking him back if he's done it this early in a relationship. Part of me believes that and I feel like the damage is done, pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. The other part of me feels like maybe he truly has learned his lesson and this will never happen again. Ever since, he has been completely open and honest and has been trying hard to show he's changed.

    I know this should be an easy answer and I'm sorry for wasting anyone's time with this rant, I'm just so so so confused so any thoughts would be appreciated. And please be nice, I'm really hurting :/
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    #2
    I don't think anyone outside the relationship really can say with certainty that any decision you make is wrong. I, personally, am not a "one strike always" person - but I would certainly encourage counseling if you decide to move forward with a relationship.

    Having shared expectations, common interests, and effective communication are all important in a successful relationship, and counseling can help build those skill sets.

    Good luck with whatever you chose.
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    #3
    I agree with Sunbeam, no one else can know what is right for you. People make mistakes and learning from mistakes often make for a really strong relationship. However, I think you both have to decide what the boundaries need to look like. I'm sure it was hard for him to see those pics. And, it would be hard for you to always sit at home…..I know it hurts that he cheated, but you guys were not on the same page at all making sure to value the relationship above partying, his or yours. I usually try to acknowledge another person's weak spots, and be respectful without limiting my life. I have changed some habits before not necessarily for the other person, but because I valued the relationship, and the habit was not of great importance. just some thoughts…. I wish you the best with your decision.
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    Thank you so much for each one of those perspectives.
    I have been going through such a roller coaster for the past 1.5 months since he's been back and every day I'm feeling a new emotion. I feel like I have waited for six months and built something up so high to have it taken right from me, but on the other side, I do realize I haven't been perfect and kind of had this fantasy world going on in my head.
    I have also found out about quite a few lies he told in the beginning of the relationship that he's recently come clean with. He's now saying this was the biggest wake up call of his life and he will never be, and can never be, the lying and cheating person he was before. I really want to believe that and that our relationship can come out stronger, but it's just draining right now and I don't want to be naive about it, either.
    It's just rough, but thanks so much for the support!
    Last edited by tmarie103; 01-20-2014 at 04:57 PM.
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    #5
    I guess I'm a little confused, you said in your OP that you told him you needed a break. Although the two of you were still talking, you weren't talking regularly, maybe he felt as if you weren't together at the time? I feel like this is that whole Ross and Rachel situation, he thought they were on a break and she didn't. (Not to make light of the situation).

    I don't think anyone can or has the right to tell you how to proceed in your relationship, I'd go with what your gut is telling you. If you feel like you can move passed what you see as a betrayal and get over the feelings of insecurity that come with such situations and that your relationship could continue then there is no one that can tell you not to proceed. I will say that it may be best to take things slow as it doesn't sound like you took things very slow in the beginning but wanted too. Maybe if you two can start over fresh and move slowly it'll give you the confidence you need to re-enter a relationship with him where there are no insecurities lingering?


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    #6
    Only you can make decisions about your life, of course. For me, I'd be gone. If things are this messy this early (cheating, fights, mistrust, snooping, "major lies", thinking about taking breaks, weird FB status issues, etc.), I think that's a pretty clear sign that there is an inherent incompatibility. It shouldn't be that hard, especially early on. And can you really tell yourself that next time he deploys, you aren't going to be an anxious mess, worrying that he's going to cheat again?

    Do you really think you can ever fully trust a guy who has cheated on you and lied to you, after less than a year?
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #7
    The question is...IF you do move forward together, do you think you could truly forgive him and trust him again? That's what I would have a hard time with. My ex talked to other girls, I don't think he ever physically cheated, but even though I told myself I forgave him, I ended up throwing it in his face over and over again and I constantly thought he was doing it again.

    Personally, there is no way I'd ever get over cheating and if it was just a boyfriend, I would end it.
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    Yes, I told him multiple times I think it would be best to take a break. After each one of those conversations were ended, I thought we left off that we were working on things and when we would talk after that, he would still say he needed to come home to me, we would be OK in the end, he was still in love with me, etc. After one of our long talks after all this mess, he told me that in his mind, we were on a break. He said his reality was so altered and he still loved me, but was very confused. I know this sounds like a ridiculous excuse, but part of me believes it. I don't know...

    And I agree that it shouldn't be this hard this early on at all and that's one of my biggest problems. I feel like my head knows it shouldn't be this way, but my heart still loves him and when he came back home all of the feelings I felt pre deployment resurfaced and everything was so good. I want to trust him, but I don't know if I ever really can again and in a few years when the next deployment comes up I really don't even know what I'll think...
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    #9
    He's lying. He told you he was going to change his FB back, which was an clear acknowledgement that you were supposed to be together. If he thought you were on a break, he never would have agreed to it. And the fact that he said he'd do it and then never did shows that he was playing games. I'd be shocked tif he wasn't cheating with someone else (or this woman he claims was a one night thing) for a while, and that's why he didn't add you back to Facebook. What other reason could there be. He's playing you and he's lying about it, and the proof is in his refusal to change the FB status.

    Loving someone is one thing. Respecting and trusting them is another. As is respecting yourself.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #10
    Well he never claimed it to be a one night thing....it started off as a one night thing and then ended up lasting a few months. I feel so embarrassed typing this because I know that should be my sign to run. He told me that it went on for awhile and he "was so caught up in desert bs" and was so unsure about our relationship and was "in a very dark place"
    I guess the reason I'm coming here is because I feel like in normal circumstances, if he cheated so early on I'd say forget him and move on. I was cheated on badly in my last relationship and did just that. However, maybe I'm just being stupid saying this, but I feel like if he never deployed, this never would have happened.
    I'm just so lost and confused. I went through a phase for a few weeks where I just cried over everything. Then at times I felt moments of peace where maybe this could be OK, things could be worse. Then I would feel so angry....I waited six months and put up with so much bs for this to be the end result!?

    Thanks for your time and honest feedback though. It helps a lot hearing outside opinions..
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