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Thread: Struggling lately... seeking advice

  1. sj2
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    #1

    Confused Struggling lately... seeking advice

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    Hi ladies! hope you're all well,
    I don't usually post threads on here or comment very much,
    I just like reading and reassuring myself from time to time that I'm not in this alone,
    however lately I've just hit that phase of major struggling which I can't seem to shake and thought there's no shame in reaching out for some advice.

    Little details - DB is in the navy, it's my first relationship with anyone long distance as well as being in the Navy or any other branch.
    All in all we've known each other 6 and a half months, so it's all very new and most of it has been spent whilst he's been deployed.
    So far I've found it fairly easy (as easy as you can find it I suppose!) our communication has been daily up until just before Christmas, it started off with
    not hearing from him a few days here and there, and this month has probably been the worst as I think it's gone up to 8 days the most without communication.
    I realise that some women go even longer lengths of time without hearing from their SO! but we've been pretty inseparable since we met and seeing as it's all new to me, it's really confusing me and I'm starting to think the worst.

    It probably doesn't help either that it's that time of the month, as yesterday I just cried all day long.
    Is this normal? I'm annoyed with myself cause I felt like I was doing so well up until now.
    He seems much more distant affection wise when we do talk, he'll talk about generic things or his family and sometimes I just wonder if I'm just as important to him, but then I think... he wouldn't stay with me if that was the case. I guess I just need reassurance as I've hit that stage of uncertainty!

    It's getting to the point where I feel like I don't play any part in his life and maybe I'm just someone he has there waiting.
    I don't want to come across selfish, I'm happy to wait for him, he's amazing to me and I couldn't wish for anything more,
    but is this something I just have to grin and bare and put his needs before my own?

    I guess any advice that you can give me would be so helpful right now, just to shed some light on your situation or how you've dealt with your emotions or doubts might make me feel better, thank you in advance! I'm very grateful
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    I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. Most of us have been there, done that. It's not easy and there are times where it gets the better of you and there is no shame in admitting "Hey, today was a shitty day!". To me, the goal was always acknowledging that maybe today sucked, but tomorrow could always be better and then working towards getting to a positive mental attitude that guaranteed that tomorrow WOULD be better.

    As for the communication, I think it's normal for the level of communication to vary as each person gets settled into the new "normal." Did he maybe start a new job or something after Christmas that could explain the decrease in communication? Is he stressed about something else going on? One thing that was huge for me to overcome in my LDR was realizing that there were a LOT of times where I was reading into things and over-analyzing what DH said to me (or didn't say to me). I'd end up being emotional and anxious and upset about something that truly ONLY EXISTED in my head! Once I realized that I was creating a lot of my own anxiety, I was able to start recognizing that these were feelings that could be set aside and put in their place. I also think it's really easy to do this if you don't talk to your SO often (for me, anyways), because you are suddenly left with all this time to re-think whatever was said to each other last.

    You should talk to him about it and see how he reacts/feels. If he is overwhelmed with work, it might not be the first thing in his mind to just know that he needs to call you every day, or whatever level you feel you need because everyone is different. So, you need to let him know what you need as far as communication in a non-emotional way.

    Hang in there. The best thing I ever did was start to just take it one day at a time.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by MissNik View Post


    I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. Most of us have been there, done that. It's not easy and there are times where it gets the better of you and there is no shame in admitting "Hey, today was a shitty day!". To me, the goal was always acknowledging that maybe today sucked, but tomorrow could always be better and then working towards getting to a positive mental attitude that guaranteed that tomorrow WOULD be better.

    As for the communication, I think it's normal for the level of communication to vary as each person gets settled into the new "normal." Did he maybe start a new job or something after Christmas that could explain the decrease in communication? Is he stressed about something else going on? One thing that was huge for me to overcome in my LDR was realizing that there were a LOT of times where I was reading into things and over-analyzing what DH said to me (or didn't say to me). I'd end up being emotional and anxious and upset about something that truly ONLY EXISTED in my head! Once I realized that I was creating a lot of my own anxiety, I was able to start recognizing that these were feelings that could be set aside and put in their place. I also think it's really easy to do this if you don't talk to your SO often (for me, anyways), because you are suddenly left with all this time to re-think whatever was said to each other last.

    You should talk to him about it and see how he reacts/feels. If he is overwhelmed with work, it might not be the first thing in his mind to just know that he needs to call you every day, or whatever level you feel you need because everyone is different. So, you need to let him know what you need as far as communication in a non-emotional way.

    Hang in there. The best thing I ever did was start to just take it one day at a time.


    I think talking to him is the best way to handle it. Maybe something like "You've seemed a little distant lately. Is everything ok?". Maybe work has had him doing some things that has prevented him from talking to you more, and when he finally gets the chance hes just exhausted. Or maybe he is just missing you like crazy!

    Good luck, OP!
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by MissNik View Post

    As for the communication, I think it's normal for the level of communication to vary as each person gets settled into the new "normal." Did he maybe start a new job or something after Christmas that could explain the decrease in communication? Is he stressed about something else going on? One thing that was huge for me to overcome in my LDR was realizing that there were a LOT of times where I was reading into things and over-analyzing what DH said to me (or didn't say to me). I'd end up being emotional and anxious and upset about something that truly ONLY EXISTED in my head! Once I realized that I was creating a lot of my own anxiety, I was able to start recognizing that these were feelings that could be set aside and put in their place.
    I'm glad you said this. I find myself getting anxious and stressed about issues I create in my head. I think I definitely create my own anxiety...I'm glad I'm not the only one who has done this
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    Quote Originally Posted by bac8574 View Post
    I'm glad you said this. I find myself getting anxious and stressed about issues I create in my head. I think I definitely create my own anxiety...I'm glad I'm not the only one who has done this
  6. sj2
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissNik View Post
    Yes thank you so much MissNik! it's very comforting knowing I'm not the only one going through this and feeling this way. It's very easy to isolate yourself I find and lately I've been doing just that, I shouldn't be so afraid to just reach out and ask for help.
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    I've been with my DB for a year, and he just got deployed for a year. So far I have heard from him in some way or another each day, but I really worry about the time when days go by without hearing from him. I guess I am kind of needy? And paranoid...because the logical me knows that he's got an important job to do, and that I am NOT the center of his universe right now so not hearing from him doesn't mean he doesn't love me anymore, just that he has more important things to do. However, the me who has been cheated on and rejected multiple, multiple times is all "What did I do wrong? Why is he online and not calling me or messaging me?"

    So yeah, OP, I understand where you are coming from I haven't been there...yet...but I am sure I will be. I agree with what everyone else has said. Talk to him about it, but approach it tactfully. If you ever need to talk, I'm here! Good luck, and I'm sure it will all turn out good for you!
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by sj2 View Post
    Yes thank you so much MissNik! it's very comforting knowing I'm not the only one going through this and feeling this way. It's very easy to isolate yourself I find and lately I've been doing just that, I shouldn't be so afraid to just reach out and ask for help.


    It is so easy to isolate yourself. I know that I did for a while. But, I had this "aha" moment where I realized that isolating myself didn't change my situation; it just made me feel more isolated and more alone. The thing that helped me a lot to get out and get perspective on life was to start volunteering at a local animal shelter. There's something about volunteering that just helps you get your mind straight.

    Also, if you need help, yes yes yes, don't hesitate to reach out and ask for help.

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