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Thread: DB has an (ex)wife he has been trying to divorce for 4 years!

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    #1

    Bang Head DB has an (ex)wife he has been trying to divorce for 4 years!

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    Hi all,

    I guess I am more or less looking for some support, caring opinion or information for the situation I am in. I started dating my DB last year and things have been wonderful, he has been in the AF for 11 years but has not yet been deployed while we have been dating. When things started becoming more serious he confided that his Ex-wife actually isn't an ex-wife yet because the divorce proceedings have been going on and on . Apparently, she has moved a few times to different states and the process starts all over and then she moves again, she has created issues/false reports/ etc. to his commander, which requires investigation and puts things on hold yet again, they have had custody arrangements in place and that has been somewhat resolved, but the divorce is still not done. The hearing to finalize it is in 2 months . I have been through a divorce myself and it took 2 years, but I am a civilian and have no knowledge of the complications that arise in a military divorce, especially when there is involvement of commanders and this concept that until he is divorced, any relationship he has is considered "adultery" . Has anyone else dealt with a military SO in a pending divorce? Been in a relationship situation close to this? What are some things I need to be aware of? In my state and the one in which I divorced in I could access all of my court records as they were public record, but I have been unable to access public court records in the three states that his divorce has been filed in, so I can't exactly look up the littler details of this divorce. The stuff that may help me put a better idea of what is going on with it. I am just hoping he doesn't have a wife somewhere and he is lying to both of us. I trust this man, love this man, but I know people can be very good actors and liars . I have real issues with trust and I have been working to allow this to play out without me overreacting, but this situation is so new to me I have no idea what to think...any help, comments,opinions, would be appreciated

    -Luvapug
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    #2
    There is no "military" divorce. Marriage and divorce are civilian matters that have nothing to do with the military, as far as I know. I don't know what it would have to do with information giving to his command.
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    Yes, like Reagan said, the command doesn't get involved in the divorce proceedings. I'm surprised that the divorce had to start over each time she moved. When I divorced in WA, they still would have had jurisdiction even if one of us moved. I guess I would say to maybe hang tight and take a step back until it's final in 2 months... just to make sure it is indeed final. How long after your relationship started did he inform you that he wasn't yet legally divorced?

    And I think it's unlikely (but still possible) his command would pursue anything regarding adultery. My exhusband's command really couldn't have cared less that he was sleeping around while we were married. But every command is different.
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    I think the issue is more that he cannot have a relationship while in the process of divorce from my understanding, and until he is divorced his "wife" can still contact his commander and complain about him and stir up trouble at work. So, I do know the divorce is a civilian matter but didn't know about how the military could play into it. She is ex-AF as well, not that that part should affect the divorce issues.
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    Quote Originally Posted by luvapug View Post
    Hi all,

    I guess I am more or less looking for some support, caring opinion or information for the situation I am in. I started dating my DB last year and things have been wonderful, he has been in the AF for 11 years but has not yet been deployed while we have been dating. When things started becoming more serious he confided that his Ex-wife actually isn't an ex-wife yet because the divorce proceedings have been going on and on . Apparently, she has moved a few times to different states and the process starts all over and then she moves again, she has created issues/false reports/ etc. to his commander, which requires investigation and puts things on hold yet again, they have had custody arrangements in place and that has been somewhat resolved, but the divorce is still not done. The hearing to finalize it is in 2 months . I have been through a divorce myself and it took 2 years, but I am a civilian and have no knowledge of the complications that arise in a military divorce, especially when there is involvement of commanders and this concept that until he is divorced, any relationship he has is considered "adultery" . Has anyone else dealt with a military SO in a pending divorce? Been in a relationship situation close to this? What are some things I need to be aware of? In my state and the one in which I divorced in I could access all of my court records as they were public record, but I have been unable to access public court records in the three states that his divorce has been filed in, so I can't exactly look up the littler details of this divorce. The stuff that may help me put a better idea of what is going on with it. I am just hoping he doesn't have a wife somewhere and he is lying to both of us. I trust this man, love this man, but I know people can be very good actors and liars . I have real issues with trust and I have been working to allow this to play out without me overreacting, but this situation is so new to me I have no idea what to think...any help, comments,opinions, would be appreciated

    -Luvapug
    No...your boyfriend has a WIFE he has been trying to divorce (maybe).

    There is no military divorce. There is just divorce. Yes him being with you is considered adultery and is frowned upon (like everywhere) but he can also be punished for it. Whatever the issues that keep arising, I would think long and hard about being with him because who knows whose side is right. Are you sure (since you say you have tried to look it up) he is seeking a divorce? Have you seen any documents to support his claim? Have you actually talked to him about what is going on with the divorce (the issues sent to the commander and such)?

    And yes he does have a wife lying around. The one you know about.
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    Yeah, if she was bitter, and knows about you, she could call his command, and tell them that her husband is cheating on her, and depending on his command, he could get in serious trouble.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by luvapug View Post
    Hi all,

    I guess I am more or less looking for some support, caring opinion or information for the situation I am in. I started dating my DB last year and things have been wonderful, he has been in the AF for 11 years but has not yet been deployed while we have been dating. When things started becoming more serious he confided that his Ex-wife actually isn't an ex-wife yet because the divorce proceedings have been going on and on . Apparently, she has moved a few times to different states and the process starts all over and then she moves again, she has created issues/false reports/ etc. to his commander, which requires investigation and puts things on hold yet again, they have had custody arrangements in place and that has been somewhat resolved, but the divorce is still not done. The hearing to finalize it is in 2 months . I have been through a divorce myself and it took 2 years, but I am a civilian and have no knowledge of the complications that arise in a military divorce, especially when there is involvement of commanders and this concept that until he is divorced, any relationship he has is considered "adultery" . Has anyone else dealt with a military SO in a pending divorce? Been in a relationship situation close to this? What are some things I need to be aware of? In my state and the one in which I divorced in I could access all of my court records as they were public record, but I have been unable to access public court records in the three states that his divorce has been filed in, so I can't exactly look up the littler details of this divorce. The stuff that may help me put a better idea of what is going on with it. I am just hoping he doesn't have a wife somewhere and he is lying to both of us. I trust this man, love this man, but I know people can be very good actors and liars . I have real issues with trust and I have been working to allow this to play out without me overreacting, but this situation is so new to me I have no idea what to think...any help, comments,opinions, would be appreciated

    -Luvapug
    Quote Originally Posted by luvapug View Post
    I think the issue is more that he cannot have a relationship while in the process of divorce from my understanding, and until he is divorced his "wife" can still contact his commander and complain about him and stir up trouble at work. So, I do know the divorce is a civilian matter but didn't know about how the military could play into it. She is ex-AF as well, not that that part should affect the divorce issues.
    With that in mind, I would not be putting it out on a public board that he is your "DB"
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    Quote Originally Posted by luvapug View Post
    I think the issue is more that he cannot have a relationship while in the process of divorce from my understanding, and until he is divorced his "wife" can still contact his commander and complain about him and stir up trouble at work. So, I do know the divorce is a civilian matter but didn't know about how the military could play into it. She is ex-AF as well, not that that part should affect the divorce issues.
    Yes this is true because he is still married and in the military you are married from the time you sign the papers after saying I Do, til one of spouses passes away or you finalize the divorce. Her being former AF means she knows the regs and what the military finds acceptable and what not. The military can charge him for adultery or if any of her complaints are valid deal with those.
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    #9
    Once he files the petition and serves her it doesn't matter whether she moves. Something seems off.
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    #10
    Yeah... I would be super cautious..

    Have you seen paperwork of said divorce documents? Are you sure he has actually filed?

    I'm with PP that said once filed you don't have to file again in another state. Everyone I know that is divorced have either moved themselves or their ex moved, and none of the times did they have 'start over'.

    There is no 'military' divorce (As has been stated) and the command usually won't get involved. And I'm not sure what sort of investigations you are referring to, but the only time (I'm aware of) that they will investigate anything is if it involves criminal type activity.

    As for adultery... many commands could give a shit less.. i don't think i know of anyone in the AF that has been reprimanded for committing adultery (not that it hasn't or doesn't happen, just never heard or seen it). Adultery is having sexual relations with someone who is not your spouse, so just having a non sexual relationship is not adultery. However, being that they are separated the line of actually committing adultery is fine. Not saying you should go off and have sex if you aren't, just its likely a non-issue.


    Hate to break it to you but it sounds like he is playing you for a fool. None of what you said makes a whole lot of sense. Military doesn't give two flips about divorce. Their main concern is that job is getting done and airman isn't committing crimes... basically.

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