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Thread: What do I do from here?

  1. Senior Member
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    #1

    What do I do from here?

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    So DH is having some problems..

    He left his iPad here when he left for Germany because he knows I use it to read sometimes.. Well he also left his FB logged on and I can see notifications when I unlock it, and its never anything except his friends commenting on his statuses or silly stuff like that. Except for last night. Around 7pm my time (1am his time) he was having a FB conversation with me about how excited he is for the baby, and for us to be a family, it was cute and wonderful.. (He doesn't sleep well on deployment so its pretty normal for him to be up so late, even though I try to encourage him to get more sleep.) Meanwhile, his iPad lights up beside me with his conversation with this girl I've never heard of.. It started out decent, they were old friends or were once a fling from what I gathered, they were catching up and just shooting the shit, then it started getting raunchy.. Her asking him if he thought she was still a naughty girl, and he just ate that shit up like candy and kept the convo going.. All the time he's talking to me about our life and family together..

    Then out of nowhere the FB session on the iPad is timed out (meaning he changed his password and kicked off all the accounts using the old password) Just as the messages are really heating up between them

    So I immediately get on Skype to see if he's planning on video chatting her, he's online, so I go ahead and call him.. It takes him a few minutes to answer, then another minute or so for him to turn the video on. He's got a football game playing in the background and looks like he's just lounging out. I notice him pecking away at his keyboard and ask who he's talking to "oh no one, I'm watching the football game and talking to you" we weren't messaging anymore I kept asking a few leading questions, hoping he'd come clean but he didn't.. so I just faked sick/tired/annoyed and got off. I knew that he knew what was up, but he just wasn't coming clean.

    He sent me a text an hour or so later saying he knew why I was upset and he didn't know how the conversation got the way it did. He admitted to knowing why I called and trying to cover it up.

    *Side note: this is not the first or even second time he's sought out attention from females from his past*
    While he was in Japan he had basically an online girlfriend.. If I wasn't available to talk to him, he'd get in touch with this girl and they'd Skype and messaged on a daily basis.. I found out about it after he got back to the states and we moved to Norfolk. Which is where she lived!! In September WHILE MY MOTHER WAS VISITING US he tried to meet this girl for 'coffee' while I was at work and I found out the day before, threw a fit about him talking to her (without letting him know I knew about their meet, just to see if he'd come clean, which he didn't of course) and he ended up not meeting her and cut off contact with her after that.

    I've found evidence of him sending inappropriate messages/texts to at least 2 other past girlfriends/flings just to get attention I guess because nothing really came of it..

    Anyways, he sent me a text today saying that this was a wakeup call and he'd sought out a counselor to talk to and shut off his FB since it is the 'source' of his actions.

    I just need some , advice, support, anything really.. I just needed to get this out because I can't process it and all of my options alone.. I don't have any evidence of physical adultery, but I have PLENTY of emotional adultery for what it's worth

    I am pregnant, and alone, in a city I hate and have close to no support to lean on. I have no idea what to do. I cannot raise this child alone, hell, I can't even support myself without him..
    All of my friends told me not to get married, and especially not to him.. I feel like such a fool for not listening, and every fiber of my being has been fighting this relationship for a while now. I made such a huge mistake, and I've been trying so hard to make the best of it and ignore all the warning signs, but I'm just so tired of looking the other way. I hate more things about him than I treasure, and honestly, I believe that I am holding on simply to exist and get by for now.. When I see him, I feel something, but I don't know if it's love anymore.. Probably just the familiarity.

    What kind of world am I bringing this little baby into??
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    Candice.'s Avatar
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    #2
    I don't really know what to say, I had my opinion of you marrying after some of the shady shit he's done that you've posted about but it's your life. I'm sorry he's still doing this especially after a marriage and a baby, that's really really awful.
  3. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #3

    It is good that he is seeking counseling - I would suggest that you do the same for yourself. I realize that it is difficult to work through the issues that you have as a couple during your geographical separation, but you can start to work through things as individuals that will give you a good foundation to begin work as a couple when he has returned - if that is what you decide you want to do once you have done some work on an individual level.
    As to whether or not you can support yourself and/or your child without your husband - if that is the only reason you would be staying together (not saying it is, only bringing it up because of your statements), that is something to seriously re-evaluate as financial security is not something that would be worth it to me to stay in a marriage where I was not invested in any other way. You mention having friends who had mentioned concerns - those same friends can be an incredible resource to you now. You have family, correct? Another resource -- what I am getting at is that if you did decide that you are not interested in seeking to repair the marriage you won't be "alone" - you won't have a husband, no, but you would not be alone. That is not to say I do or don't think you should repair the marriage or not - that is not my call to make but is something that you need to decide for yourself so you can begin moving forward accordingly
  4. Senior Member
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by z32chick View Post
    So DH is having some problems..

    He left his iPad here when he left for Germany because he knows I use it to read sometimes.. Well he also left his FB logged on and I can see notifications when I unlock it, and its never anything except his friends commenting on his statuses or silly stuff like that. Except for last night. Around 7pm my time (1am his time) he was having a FB conversation with me about how excited he is for the baby, and for us to be a family, it was cute and wonderful.. (He doesn't sleep well on deployment so its pretty normal for him to be up so late, even though I try to encourage him to get more sleep.) Meanwhile, his iPad lights up beside me with his conversation with this girl I've never heard of.. It started out decent, they were old friends or were once a fling from what I gathered, they were catching up and just shooting the shit, then it started getting raunchy.. Her asking him if he thought she was still a naughty girl, and he just ate that shit up like candy and kept the convo going.. All the time he's talking to me about our life and family together..

    Then out of nowhere the FB session on the iPad is timed out (meaning he changed his password and kicked off all the accounts using the old password) Just as the messages are really heating up between them

    So I immediately get on Skype to see if he's planning on video chatting her, he's online, so I go ahead and call him.. It takes him a few minutes to answer, then another minute or so for him to turn the video on. He's got a football game playing in the background and looks like he's just lounging out. I notice him pecking away at his keyboard and ask who he's talking to "oh no one, I'm watching the football game and talking to you" we weren't messaging anymore I kept asking a few leading questions, hoping he'd come clean but he didn't.. so I just faked sick/tired/annoyed and got off. I knew that he knew what was up, but he just wasn't coming clean.

    He sent me a text an hour or so later saying he knew why I was upset and he didn't know how the conversation got the way it did. He admitted to knowing why I called and trying to cover it up.

    *Side note: this is not the first or even second time he's sought out attention from females from his past*
    While he was in Japan he had basically an online girlfriend.. If I wasn't available to talk to him, he'd get in touch with this girl and they'd Skype and messaged on a daily basis.. I found out about it after he got back to the states and we moved to Norfolk. Which is where she lived!! In September WHILE MY MOTHER WAS VISITING US he tried to meet this girl for 'coffee' while I was at work and I found out the day before, threw a fit about him talking to her (without letting him know I knew about their meet, just to see if he'd come clean, which he didn't of course) and he ended up not meeting her and cut off contact with her after that.

    I've found evidence of him sending inappropriate messages/texts to at least 2 other past girlfriends/flings just to get attention I guess because nothing really came of it..

    Anyways, he sent me a text today saying that this was a wakeup call and he'd sought out a counselor to talk to and shut off his FB since it is the 'source' of his actions.

    I just need some , advice, support, anything really.. I just needed to get this out because I can't process it and all of my options alone.. I don't have any evidence of physical adultery, but I have PLENTY of emotional adultery for what it's worth

    I am pregnant, and alone, in a city I hate and have close to no support to lean on. I have no idea what to do. I cannot raise this child alone, hell, I can't even support myself without him..
    All of my friends told me not to get married, and especially not to him.. I feel like such a fool for not listening, and every fiber of my being has been fighting this relationship for a while now. I made such a huge mistake, and I've been trying so hard to make the best of it and ignore all the warning signs, but I'm just so tired of looking the other way. I hate more things about him than I treasure, and honestly, I believe that I am holding on simply to exist and get by for now.. When I see him, I feel something, but I don't know if it's love anymore.. Probably just the familiarity.

    What kind of world am I bringing this little baby into??


    God that sucks.

    If this had been the first time that this had happened, then I would say that it was great that he was already going to pursue counseling and I'd say, "Hey, maybe you could make it work."

    But frankly, the fact that this has happened on numerous occasions is a clear indication that it will happen again. IMO, I also believe that at some point it will escalate from verbal/written to a physical affair.

    I think you have to decide for yourself what you are willing to deal with because he will keep doing this type of behavior for as long as you let it happen. For me, trust and respect are the foundation of my relationship with DH and if I found out that he was in any way screwing around on the side (especially on multiple occasions), I'd be gone in a heartbeat.

    Sorry hon.
  5. scotlandgrl53
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    #5
    II have no idea what to tell you I'm so sorry. That's a terrible thing to go through I really think this is something you all need to work through together. I'm just not sure how long distance.
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    #6
    Wellllll I don't really know what to say to this. Hindsight is 20/20. I hope he actually is seeking counseling and I hope it helps him. I'm sorry you're going through this, no matter what mistakes have been made to end up in a situation it doesn't make it any easier to handle.
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    #7
    I'm so so sorry. For what its worth, I married a douchebag and ended up divorced. Despite having some ups and downs I got through it and am more financially stable and independent than ever. I really feel like If I could do it anyone can (I also have a child). Don't ever stay with anyone for convenience, it's going to be hard but you absolutely can get through it and you will be so much happier in the end
  8. Justice Beaver: The Crime Fighting Beaver
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by MissNik View Post


    God that sucks.

    If this had been the first time that this had happened, then I would say that it was great that he was already going to pursue counseling and I'd say, "Hey, maybe you could make it work."

    But frankly, the fact that this has happened on numerous occasions is a clear indication that it will happen again. IMO, I also believe that at some point it will escalate from verbal/written to a physical affair.

    I think you have to decide for yourself what you are willing to deal with because he will keep doing this type of behavior for as long as you let it happen. For me, trust and respect are the foundation of my relationship with DH and if I found out that he was in any way screwing around on the side (especially on multiple occasions), I'd be gone in a heartbeat.

    Sorry hon.


    I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Have you considered going to counseling yourself? If it were me in your shoes, I don't think I would be able to deal, especially since this is not the first time. The fact that he apologizes really doesn't mean shit since he continues to lie and betray your trust. You need to to set a line and stick with it. Think really hard about what you're willing to do and set the line for him.

    Ultimately, you need to do what's best for you and your baby.

  9. i request the highest of fives!
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    #9
    :bighug i'm so sorry.

    i guess my biggest reaction is that it's really good that it seems like he is struggling with it instead of just being completely non-apologetic and never admitting that he's been wrong at all, kwim? it's good that he is willing to seek counseling. it's good that he's trying to shut down things that are a temptation.

    it's up to YOU to know what you are willing to deal with and what you aren't, though. i know you're a strong, tough, capable woman! if you feel like you are still together just because you don't know where to go from here, have faith in yourself. it'll be really scary to give up on that comfort zone now, but you can absolutely do it. the ball is in your court. make a list of pros and cons, maybe? even if all you have in the pro section is being supported for your soon-to-be-family, and all you have in the con section is that you don't know if you trust or love him, sometimes seeing it on paper lets one decision stand out really clearly.

    feel free to PM if you want!
  10. In vino veritas
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    #10
    I would go through your previous thread history and look at some of the threads you have posted about him in the past. Ask yourself if you thought things had changed at each one of those points. Ask yourself if you honestly think he will change this time. And then decide that, if he doesnt change, can you handle that. Your life is your decision, no matter how others feel about it. You are the one living it, so you need to be comfortable, or as comfortable as you can, with your decision.

    I am so, so sorry.
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