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Thread: I'm getting the silent treatment

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    #1

    I'm getting the silent treatment

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    MIL sent both DH and I Lego advent calendars this year. I guess she buys them for him every year. I have been thinking about what we were going to do with them, since we don't have kids who will play with them, and neither of us are Lego collectors. A few weeks ago I had the idea to donate them to 2 needy students in my 2nd grade classroom so that they could have a second life with a child who would appreciate them, rather than just going to storage at our house.

    I did not mention this to DH until he brought up putting them away, because I didn't want him to think I was unappreciative of them or trying to get them out ASAP. He can get very attached to ANYTHING that he considers "sentimental" and I have a room full of boxes to prove it.

    Today we are cleaning up all of the christmas things, and he said, "Let's take these down" and I told him about my idea, and asked him to think about it. I said "since we aren't going to play with them anymore," and he replied, "You don't know that!" so I let it drop. I just started to take mine apart and wrap them up in saran wrap and put them back in their boxes so I could take mine in. 15 min later I started to make a comment, "I just think it'd be nice..." and he cut me off and told me he was going to get the mail and walked out the door. I put mine in my pile for school, started to put his in the christmas pile. He said "Now I don't want it, you're manipulating me to give it to you." Since then I've gotten silent treatment and angry cleaning and now it's just sitting on the counter.

    What do I do? Did I approach it wrong? Should I have not suggested it at all? I don't want the Lego advent calendar to haunt me every year!
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    #2
    Is this his typical response to disagreements or a reaction that is out of character for him?
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    #3
    If she sends them every year then it sound's like to unintentionally tread on a family tradition. I'd go with the old pick and choose your battles. Personally I would apologize, wrap them up with the Christmas gear and let it go even if that means there ends up being a tin of tiny legos that pop up every Christmas and never get used. Small potatoes really.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Ol' Grey Mare View Post
    Is this his typical response to disagreements or a reaction that is out of character for him?
    Pretty typical.

    ETA: Him getting quiet and not wanting to talk is typical, him cutting me off and leaving? Definitely not, and I told him I felt disrespected when he did that, and he apologized.
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    I don't think you handled it wrong. You mentioned it and asked him to think about it. Just continue to go about your business and do what you planned with yours.

    I suggest that what you could do is tell him you want to talk about what happened. Tell him it was just a suggestion and if he would like to keep his for future children or maybe he'll play with them or something than that is great and you understand wanting to save them. If his mom sends them every year what has happened to the ones in the past? If he has kept them MAYBE he sees it as you trying to get rid of something special from his mom. Ask him what upset him about your suggestion. And if is something like that than apologize.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Procella View Post
    If she sends them every year then it sound's like to unintentionally tread on a family tradition. I'd go with the old pick and choose your battles. Personally I would apologize, wrap them up with the Christmas gear and let it go even if that means there ends up being a tin of tiny legos that pop up every Christmas and never get used. Small potatoes really.
    I agree.

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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Procella View Post
    If she sends them every year then it sound's like to unintentionally tread on a family tradition. I'd go with the old pick and choose your battles. Personally I would apologize, wrap them up with the Christmas gear and let it go even if that means there ends up being a tin of tiny legos that pop up every Christmas and never get used. Small potatoes really.
    That's what I'm prepared to do, and tried to do, but DH pulled them out of the pile and "doesn't want them anymore". I feel like I can't touch them without incurring some sort of wrath. Maybe just let them sit for a day or two and then put them away with the rest of the Christmas stuff?
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Southern-queen View Post
    I don't think you handed it wrong. You mentioned it and asked him to think about it. Just continue to go about your business and do what you planned with yours.

    I suggest that what you could do is tell him you want to talk about what happened. Tell him it was just a suggestion and if he would like to keep his for future children or maybe he'll play with them or something than that is great and you understand wanting to save them. If his mom sends them every year what has happened to the ones in the past? If he has kept them MAYBE he sees it as you trying to get rid of something special from his mom. Ask him what upset him about your suggestion. And if is something like that than apologize.
    Those sound like some really good conversation starters. I just want to break the ice cold front that has moved through the house right now. I'm not sure what happened to last years, he was deployed. The rest are probably still back at his parent's house in VA.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Procella View Post
    If she sends them every year then it sound's like to unintentionally tread on a family tradition. I'd go with the old pick and choose your battles. Personally I would apologize, wrap them up with the Christmas gear and let it go even if that means there ends up being a tin of tiny legos that pop up every Christmas and never get used. Small potatoes really.
    with regards to the issue at hand

    Quote Originally Posted by roxieluvs View Post
    Pretty typical.
    This would be the bigger concern to me. It sounds like your relationship could benefit from some work on communication and conflict resolution.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by roxieluvs View Post
    Pretty typical.
    I don't care if you treaded on his most prized possession-- his behavior is something I would expect from one of your 2nd graders, not an adult.

    If it were me, I would apologize for hurting his feelings-- clearly you didn't know how much it meant to him. And I'd put them to the side neither in the donate pile nor in the christmas pile. But then... THEN I would let him know that his emotional outburst and silent treatment was unacceptable.

    You married a man, not a little boy, and you expect better out of him-- even when emotions are running high. He could've just as easily said, "I need some time to cool off, I'm going to go get the mail and take a walk" rather than pitching a fit.

    And honestly if that's typical... I'd be hauling his ass to counseling. That is just such a horribly ineffective manner to handle conflicts. You guys have been married a short time, I know... but if that's a trend and not an anomaly, it's probably not something that is just going to get better.

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