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Thread: break-up

  1. Regular Member
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    #1

    break-up

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    hey all. (sorry this is so long!)

    i dont normally like to put my business out there, but i kind of need to vent to others that may understand.

    DB broke things off while home spending the holidays. (great timing dude)
    i kind of knew deep down that things weren't going to work before he came home, but i had high hopes he wouldn't let me go so easily. he's just sort of been a little distant as of recently.. going out a lot on the weekends, not texting me as much..
    i told him prior to getting together (about a year ago), that i wasn't keen on trying a long distance relationship. he chased me for months, would tell me nothing should come between two people that loved each other, blablabla..

    i found a text in his phone from a girl saying "miss you!" the first day he was home. (it popped up on the screen while his phone was sitting on the table in front of us). he said she is in school with him & just friends yadda yadda. i didnt buy it. i asked him to see the conversation (sorry?) & he refused. said i should trust him. well... i always did until that point.

    anyway, we have been friends for 11 years. this isn't your normal break up in which i could easily forget him & move on. we were close. its why i'm having a super hard time coming to terms with the fact that he couldn't try harder to make things work.
    his reasoning for the break up was because he just needs to focus on schooling. (he's about to enter SERE & flight school.) not that he doesn't love or care about me. i understand he has a TON on his plate, but from what he's told me since the beginning.. .i just think its a cop out. he still wants to remain friends.

    i'm heartbroken because i figured he'd give me a little more effort than any other girl. he's listened to my man perils for years, knew what i wanted & what i was looking for. we're not babies at 27 & 28. i wasn't in this for the hell of it. i gave him my ALL. i flew to different states for him.. i supported the crap out of him.

    he leaves the day after tomorrow to go back to base. we both kind of want the closure of a goodbye.. but what do i say now? is it a bad idea to meet up? i just don't know if i'm ready to lose him completely & not be friends with him.. maybe from a distance it wouldn't be as difficult to still occasionally talk? but i also don't even know if i trust him anymore.. even as a friend. has anyone been through something similar? i know it takes time.. i'll heal eventually. i don't know how people erase people from their lives after so many years.

    & for the record, if i was reading this, i'd probably say eff him, he doesn't deserve me. so why can't i take my own advice.
  2. Livin~Lovin~Laughin
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    #2
    I am sorry you are going through this. Just keep re-reading the last line and listen to your gut. Your instincts are usually right.

    He doesn't deserve you. The "I need to focus on school" thing is B.S. I'm sorry. I've been through some hard training and never once felt the need to put my family aside to focus. If you love someone, you love them. You ask them to be patient while you have this extra stuff on your plate, you don't kick them to the curb. That is a bullshit excuse.

    Again, read your last line again.





    "Don't worry about being right,
    just worry about being kind."
    ~Tilly Therber
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by justjess View Post
    hey all. (sorry this is so long!)

    i dont normally like to put my business out there, but i kind of need to vent to others that may understand.

    DB broke things off while home spending the holidays. (great timing dude)
    i kind of knew deep down that things weren't going to work before he came home, but i had high hopes he wouldn't let me go so easily. he's just sort of been a little distant as of recently.. going out a lot on the weekends, not texting me as much..
    i told him prior to getting together (about a year ago), that i wasn't keen on trying a long distance relationship. he chased me for months, would tell me nothing should come between two people that loved each other, blablabla..

    i found a text in his phone from a girl saying "miss you!" the first day he was home. (it popped up on the screen while his phone was sitting on the table in front of us). he said she is in school with him & just friends yadda yadda. i didnt buy it. i asked him to see the conversation (sorry?) & he refused. said i should trust him. well... i always did until that point.

    anyway, we have been friends for 11 years. this isn't your normal break up in which i could easily forget him & move on. we were close. its why i'm having a super hard time coming to terms with the fact that he couldn't try harder to make things work.
    his reasoning for the break up was because he just needs to focus on schooling. (he's about to enter SERE & flight school.) not that he doesn't love or care about me. i understand he has a TON on his plate, but from what he's told me since the beginning.. .i just think its a cop out. he still wants to remain friends.

    i'm heartbroken because i figured he'd give me a little more effort than any other girl. he's listened to my man perils for years, knew what i wanted & what i was looking for. we're not babies at 27 & 28. i wasn't in this for the hell of it. i gave him my ALL. i flew to different states for him.. i supported the crap out of him.

    he leaves the day after tomorrow to go back to base. we both kind of want the closure of a goodbye.. but what do i say now? is it a bad idea to meet up? i just don't know if i'm ready to lose him completely & not be friends with him.. maybe from a distance it wouldn't be as difficult to still occasionally talk? but i also don't even know if i trust him anymore.. even as a friend. has anyone been through something similar? i know it takes time.. i'll heal eventually. i don't know how people erase people from their lives after so many years.

    & for the record, if i was reading this, i'd probably say eff him, he doesn't deserve me. so why can't i take my own advice.
    Quote Originally Posted by KarmaRocks View Post
    I am sorry you are going through this. Just keep re-reading the last line and listen to your gut. Your instincts are usually right.

    He doesn't deserve you. The "I need to focus on school" thing is B.S. I'm sorry. I've been through some hard training and never once felt the need to put my family aside to focus. If you love someone, you love them. You ask them to be patient while you have this extra stuff on your plate, you don't kick them to the curb. That is a bullshit excuse.

    Again, read your last line again.
    with karma - he is telling you that you are not worth the effort - and I know that hurts
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    #4
    I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It may not even be worth it to see him and have that "closure" moment. It is just going to make it harder on you.. and you definitely don't need to fall apart in front of him and become vulnerable to whatever other explanations he has to offer. I've gone into those situations stronger than ever and ended up melting down and feeling like it was all my fault in the end after listening to their excuses. It won't take him long to miss you and realize how lucky he was to have your love and support. It's a shame he doesn't appreciate it now. I really hope that you find the man you deserve and that he appreciates everything that you do.
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    #5
    *hugs* I am so sorry this is happening to you! I do understand where you are coming from completely! Guys can be such jerks! And I understand how hard it can be to let someone go :/ If you need anything, even just someone to listen, you can always message me!!
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by KarmaRocks View Post
    I am sorry you are going through this. Just keep re-reading the last line and listen to your gut. Your instincts are usually right.

    He doesn't deserve you. The "I need to focus on school" thing is B.S. I'm sorry. I've been through some hard training and never once felt the need to put my family aside to focus. If you love someone, you love them. You ask them to be patient while you have this extra stuff on your plate, you don't kick them to the curb. That is a bullshit excuse.

    Again, read your last line again.
    exactly what i said. & i said that to him. bullshit.

    Quote Originally Posted by littlemissred View Post
    I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It may not even be worth it to see him and have that "closure" moment. It is just going to make it harder on you.. and you definitely don't need to fall apart in front of him and become vulnerable to whatever other explanations he has to offer. I've gone into those situations stronger than ever and ended up melting down and feeling like it was all my fault in the end after listening to their excuses. It won't take him long to miss you and realize how lucky he was to have your love and support. It's a shame he doesn't appreciate it now. I really hope that you find the man you deserve and that he appreciates everything that you do.
    ugh i know it'll probably be harder. i'll probably just get angry. or cry. & neither is good. i just figure i'll probably NEVER see him again. like a death. & i don't want to regret anything.



    thanks for the support guys.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by KarmaRocks View Post
    I am sorry you are going through this. Just keep re-reading the last line and listen to your gut. Your instincts are usually right.

    He doesn't deserve you. The "I need to focus on school" thing is B.S. I'm sorry. I've been through some hard training and never once felt the need to put my family aside to focus. If you love someone, you love them. You ask them to be patient while you have this extra stuff on your plate, you don't kick them to the curb. That is a bullshit excuse.

    Again, read your last line again.


    I think the whole "focus on school" thing is a BS excuse, same as when guys/gals are getting ready to deploy and just "can't handle it" or whatever.

    Maybe it's just me, but considering how long you say you've known each other and been close (and it sounds like your gut could be saying that there was cheating going on too), I'd have a hard time not looking him in the eye and asking ONE question: "Why?" I don't know what I would expect to hear in response, but that is probably what I would ask.

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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by MissNik View Post


    I think the whole "focus on school" thing is a BS excuse, same as when guys/gals are getting ready to deploy and just "can't handle it" or whatever.

    Maybe it's just me, but considering how long you say you've known each other and been close (and it sounds like your gut could be saying that there was cheating going on too), I'd have a hard time not looking him in the eye and asking ONE question: "Why?" I don't know what I would expect to hear in response, but that is probably what I would ask.

    i just want a better reason, even if it's a horrible one.

    why is it so much to ask for honesty?
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by justjess View Post

    why is it so much to ask for honesty?
    Because people today are terrified of the truth most of the time. Everyone has their own reasons. Some dont want to hurt the other person, they just dont want to deal with the other person finding out the truth, their ego is too big to handle being honest, they are ashamed of what the reason is. Bottom line, our society has accepted it is ok to lie. I'm not saying it is every single person, but as a whole lying has become a lot more acceptable to do. (Obviously not to the person being lied to normally, but to the liar.) Although, I guess history shows us lying has always been a fairly common thing :/ *hugs* Always remind yourself why you deserve better, and never forget what makes YOU so amazing!
  10. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #10
    It really sucks with friendships because it's very very difficult for things to go back to the way they were before. I think it is possible to happen, but it takes time. It's normal to feel upset.

    Just remember that you don't have to make any permanent decisions. It is perfectly fine to tell him that you need time and space before you guys talk. That doesn't mean you to have "erase" him from your life forever. If a friendship is meant to be, he will respect your need to heal.

    Personally I think with the raw feelings etc. it may be best to give yourself some space. But I understand people want closure too ... I would just be careful not to get caught up in the trap of changing what "closure" means to you. You say you want a "good" reason, some people want to hear a breakup worded in a certain way, or for the ex to a do a certain action, to know they "mean it" etc. etc. They keep finding new things they need for closure after they get the old one. It's a very easy trap to fall into and it's easy for your mind to trick you into prolonging the "closure" so you can still keep in contact. I've btdt and I wish I had just cut ties and let myself heal instead of dragging out the pain.
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