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Thread: The dreaded Trust Issues :/

  1. Fresh Newbie
    ranae's Avatar
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    #1

    Confused The dreaded Trust Issues :/

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    My DB is in Kuwait and has been since Nov 10 (actually he went to Texas first then to Kuwait after 2 weeks). He is the sweetest thing and normally a big teddy bear. Before we even met, he knew he was going to be deployed. Therefore, when I met him I also knew. He did not want a relationship going overseas and I did not pressure him in any way, though he told his friend, "He didn't have a choice because he loved me and wanted me to be there for him" (sweet, right? ). Throughout our whole year and a half relationship, he has had trust issues due to a previous girlfriend really screwing him over and I have had to deal with them. He would create something out of nothing (e.g., he would see me leave for work in my uniform and return in my uniform but assume I'm going somewhere else, would not accept my clock in/clock outs because he didn't want the proof). This has happened multiple times with different situations and we have always worked through them. Even when he cheated on me, I eventually forgave him and we worked through it. Yet I am the one still dealing with him not trusting me.

    After only a month and a half of him being gone (about 8 and half more months to go) he is already questioning my loyalty. My phone GPS (over FB, because that's how we "text") sometimes shows that I am down the street (not at a house, at a business though I'm not sure what it is) when I am actually at work. This is how it all started. I have proven every single time that I am at work by sending him where my GPS says I am, clock in/out, etc. but he still chooses to ignore it often. When my DB gets something into his mind, it is hard to convince him the other way. He will take into account what I say, my proof, etc and will often move on after some cool down time, but without ever really talking through it.

    My question is, what do I do?! How can I help him to trust me? My ultimate fear is that he will give up and choose the single life because he thinks it will be easier. I know he loves me more than anything, which is why he hangs on. It's just hard not to talk through things and then all the sudden he explodes with his issue. Please, I have heard "you don't deserve to go through that," etc. plenty of times. The fact is, I am going to fight through his issues because I can't imagine being without him. We plan on getting a house together when he returns, he has told me he will marry me, we've talked about kids, etc.

    Help!

    P.S. Sorry this post was so long, I tried to cut it down some. If there are any "loose ends" that don't make sense or have any questions, just ask!
  2. By the power of Greyskull...
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    #2
    Honestly?
    I'd have a really hard time dealing with someone who didn't trust me when HE was the one who has cheated in the past.

    PS- Welcome to MSOS!
  3. Senior Member
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by ranae View Post


    My DB is in Kuwait and has been since Nov 10 (actually he went to Texas first then to Kuwait after 2 weeks). He is the sweetest thing and normally a big teddy bear. Before we even met, he knew he was going to be deployed. Therefore, when I met him I also knew. He did not want a relationship going overseas and I did not pressure him in any way, though he told his friend, "He didn't have a choice because he loved me and wanted me to be there for him" (sweet, right? ). Throughout our whole year and a half relationship, he has had trust issues due to a previous girlfriend really screwing him over and I have had to deal with them. He would create something out of nothing (e.g., he would see me leave for work in my uniform and return in my uniform but assume I'm going somewhere else, would not accept my clock in/clock outs because he didn't want the proof). This has happened multiple times with different situations and we have always worked through them. Even when he cheated on me, I eventually forgave him and we worked through it. Yet I am the one still dealing with him not trusting me.

    After only a month and a half of him being gone (about 8 and half more months to go) he is already questioning my loyalty. My phone GPS (over FB, because that's how we "text") sometimes shows that I am down the street (not at a house, at a business though I'm not sure what it is) when I am actually at work. This is how it all started. I have proven every single time that I am at work by sending him where my GPS says I am, clock in/out, etc. but he still chooses to ignore it often. When my DB gets something into his mind, it is hard to convince him the other way. He will take into account what I say, my proof, etc and will often move on after some cool down time, but without ever really talking through it.

    My question is, what do I do?! How can I help him to trust me? My ultimate fear is that he will give up and choose the single life because he thinks it will be easier. I know he loves me more than anything, which is why he hangs on. It's just hard not to talk through things and then all the sudden he explodes with his issue. Please, I have heard "you don't deserve to go through that," etc. plenty of times. The fact is, I am going to fight through his issues because I can't imagine being without him. We plan on getting a house together when he returns, he has told me he will marry me, we've talked about kids, etc.

    Help!

    P.S. Sorry this post was so long, I tried to cut it down some. If there are any "loose ends" that don't make sense or have any questions, just ask!
    Ok, me personally I would not put up with this. He cheated on YOU but feels you are lying and doing lord knows what. Honestly the old saying how the cheater tries to blame the other party to avoid their guilt sounds full force here.

    IMO, you should not have to send him proof of where you are. You should not be forced to force him to believe you. You can not change that. Either you will have to accept he will never believe you (if he doesn't change), or he will have to finally sort out what the hell his problems are other than his own guilt and work them and let you off the hook of being to blame for his and his ex-girlfriends problems.

    Just my opinion.
  4. In vino veritas
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    #4
    He cheated in the past and yet doesnt trust you? Honestly, for me, that would be my answer. I would know I was worth more than that and any future pain his issues would cause. And with his past, I would wonder if his trust issues were due to the fact that he, himself, was cheating.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by ranae View Post


    My DB is in Kuwait and has been since XXX XX (edited out date in quote)(actually he went to Texas first then to Kuwait after 2 weeks). He is the sweetest thing and normally a big teddy bear. Before we even met, he knew he was going to be deployed. Therefore, when I met him I also knew. He did not want a relationship going overseas and I did not pressure him in any way, though he told his friend, "He didn't have a choice because he loved me and wanted me to be there for him" (sweet, right? ). Throughout our whole year and a half relationship, he has had trust issues due to a previous girlfriend really screwing him over and I have had to deal with them. He would create something out of nothing (e.g., he would see me leave for work in my uniform and return in my uniform but assume I'm going somewhere else, would not accept my clock in/clock outs because he didn't want the proof). This has happened multiple times with different situations and we have always worked through them. Even when he cheated on me, I eventually forgave him and we worked through it. Yet I am the one still dealing with him not trusting me.

    After only a month and a half of him being gone (about 8 and half more months to go) he is already questioning my loyalty. My phone GPS (over FB, because that's how we "text") sometimes shows that I am down the street (not at a house, at a business though I'm not sure what it is) when I am actually at work. This is how it all started. I have proven every single time that I am at work by sending him where my GPS says I am, clock in/out, etc. but he still chooses to ignore it often. When my DB gets something into his mind, it is hard to convince him the other way. He will take into account what I say, my proof, etc and will often move on after some cool down time, but without ever really talking through it.

    My question is, what do I do?! How can I help him to trust me? My ultimate fear is that he will give up and choose the single life because he thinks it will be easier. I know he loves me more than anything, which is why he hangs on. It's just hard not to talk through things and then all the sudden he explodes with his issue. Please, I have heard "you don't deserve to go through that," etc. plenty of times. The fact is, I am going to fight through his issues because I can't imagine being without him. We plan on getting a house together when he returns, he has told me he will marry me, we've talked about kids, etc.

    Help!

    P.S. Sorry this post was so long, I tried to cut it down some. If there are any "loose ends" that don't make sense or have any questions, just ask!


    This seems to have been an issue for the duration of your relationship - is that correct? Has it worsened since he departed?

    The bolded is particularly concerning to me - are you truly comfortable with having to "prove" things like that and/or being tracked by your SO?

    If your sister or best friend came to you and described her relationship as you have your own, what would you advise her?
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    #6
    That's an irrational level of distrust. You aren't his child. You said you've heard the "you don't deserve this" bit enough, I disagree. You haven't heard it enough if you are still providing GPS stamps as "proof" when he questions you for no reason. This is controlling and manipulative behavior on his part and honestly makes me question HIS trustworthiness. Guilty people are often irrationally suspicious. So what can you do? Nothing. It's HIS issue. He has to fix it. He has problems that need to be addressed, and you can't address them. Feeding his distrust by constantly appeasing his demands is enabling him to continue living with these issues without his having to be accountable for dealing with them himself. You can't fix him and all the love in the world can't fix your relationship unless he opens his eyes and finds a way to resolve this within himself. You aren't his ex, and you shouldn't be punished for her choices. If he can't separate what she did from who you are, he's not in a healthy place for a meaningful relationship.
  7. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #7
    Food for thought - often the mistrust from one to the other has more to do with their own choices/behavior than any actual mistrust of the other party -- ie a cheater will often have an overblown appearance of lack of trust in their partner, sort of a displacement of their own lack of trustworthyness.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Ol' Grey Mare View Post
    Food for thought - often the mistrust from one to the other has more to do with their own choices/behavior than any actual mistrust of the other party -- ie a cheater will often have an overblown appearance of lack of trust in their partner, sort of a displacement of their own lack of trustworthyness.
    What I was going to say.


    When my ex deployed, he was very distrusting of me. He never cheated on me, but he had all these stories in his head about wives and girlfriends leaving their deployed SO. I think he was super paranoid about me leaving him while he was gone. I couldn't deal with his distrust though, because it NEVER went away after that. I never did anything to give him the idea that I would cheat on him. It got the the point where he would accuse me of flirting with guys or cheating, when I was just going out with friends. I decided that this wasn't something I could put up with, and broke up with him.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by PirateAndrea View Post
    Honestly?
    I'd have a really hard time dealing with someone who didn't trust me when HE was the one who has cheated in the past.

    PS- Welcome to MSOS!
    Yup I feel like this may be a case of guilty conscience, he cheats so he is paranoid you are too.
  10. Occasional lurker
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    #10
    Why are you wasting your time? Seriously! He sounds like an asshat. Drop him like a hot potato! He's all Shady McShaderson...he cheats on you & then treats you like that? I'd be gone, like, yesterday! Good luck though if you do stick around. It's going to be a life time of trying to prove yourself to him

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