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Thread: I Dont Want To Celebrate The Holidays Anymore :(

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    #1

    I Dont Want To Celebrate The Holidays Anymore :(

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    I know this is personal but have any of you ever had issues with your father?

    My parents are still married. But ever since I could remember, my dad has been an alcoholic. He still is. Because of this, he could never hold a job so my mom is the bread winner. I had to move back in with them last year because they just fell on hard times and needed help financially. I didnít mind except for the drive to work and all the gas money I was using. I moved back on my own this March and still help when I can. (Its hard when I have rent/car payment/ groceries/ etc). I pretty much cant live under the same roof as my father.

    Anyways, it seems like my relationship with my dad is pretty much shot to hell. It bothers me how he always has money to support his drinking but doesnít help my mom. I donít go visit them as much as I should and with the holidays coming up, I know heíll get drunk and embarrass me. Itís happened before, I donít even want to go celebrate Christmas with them for that reason

    I have talked to a psychologist about this. I was prescribed some anti depressants for depression/anxiety. (didnít really help).

    Any advice? I donít want to miss the holidays since Im close to my family but Im also sick of dealing with this every year..
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    One thing I've learned is people are who they are and unless something happens to cause them to want to change, it isn't going to happen. Behavior can cause anger, disgust or embarrassment. I have a large family and a lot of friends and have dealt and still deal with many different types of behaviors including alcohol through the years.

    The best thing I have found is to limit my time spent with the family or friends that have these types of behaviors. If the behavior gets worse throughout the day try to spend the morning or early afternoon hours with them and then leave. While it does limit the time you have with your family, it also keeps their behavior from affecting you as strongly. Realize that they are who they are and try to enjoy as much as you can the time you are with them and when you leave let it all go. Otherwise you will continue to build up a resentment and a sorrow that things are not the way you want them to be.
    http://militarysos.com/forum/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=8121&dateline=1213248817 TAKEN AT NISQUALLY WILDLIFE PRESERVE
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    #3
    That definitely sounds very tough. What is your relationship like with your mom? If it were me, I would go just for her, and just suck it up. I know it must be very difficult though! to you
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by kaaau View Post
    One thing I've learned is people are who they are and unless something happens to cause them to want to change, it isn't going to happen. Behavior can cause anger, disgust or embarrassment. I have a large family and a lot of friends and have dealt and still deal with many different types of behaviors including alcohol through the years.

    The best thing I have found is to limit my time spent with the family or friends that have these types of behaviors. If the behavior gets worse throughout the day try to spend the morning or early afternoon hours with them and then leave. While it does limit the time you have with your family, it also keeps their behavior from affecting you as strongly. Realize that they are who they are and try to enjoy as much as you can the time you are with them and when you leave let it all go. Otherwise you will continue to build up a resentment and a sorrow that things are not the way you want them to be.
    I agree with this wholeheartedly! It's very much how I would handle/have handled the situation.

    Limit the amount of time spent there. Be in control of when you arrive and when you leave. Find a way to safely get yourself out of an uncomfortable/threatening situation.

    Alcoholism is a mental illness. It may not make sense to you why he has money for alcohol but nothing for the bills/housing/food, but, as an addict he will always find a way to feed that addiction. Is your relationship with your mom worth putting yourself into a situation that you don't want to be in? Have you talked with her about it? Talking to her would give you a better idea of whether to go or not.

    I'll use myself as an example. My parents were married until the day that my dad died. Prior to getting married, he had some drinking issues but nothing that seemed to be unmanageable. Once all of the children had moved out of the house and my dad had a heart attack and couldn't work, he turned to alcohol again. I refused to be around him when he was that way. I love my mom, but, she and I agreed that it would be in my best interest (and my daughter's) to stay away until he got help. He did get help, and it wasn't because we pushed him. My mom moved out and got a job and that made him realize that he wasn't getting what he wanted from the alcohol. Sadly, I never spent another holiday with him before he passed away. I did get to a point of forgiveness though. That was my turning point. I let go of the bitterness and anger that I felt for him. I can't change his behavior, he has to want to change it. I can change how I react or what I do in the situation. I'm so glad that I did that before he died.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by daisyluvbug View Post
    I agree with this wholeheartedly! It's very much how I would handle/have handled the situation.

    Limit the amount of time spent there. Be in control of when you arrive and when you leave. Find a way to safely get yourself out of an uncomfortable/threatening situation.

    Alcoholism is a mental illness. It may not make sense to you why he has money for alcohol but nothing for the bills/housing/food, but, as an addict he will always find a way to feed that addiction. Is your relationship with your mom worth putting yourself into a situation that you don't want to be in? Have you talked with her about it? Talking to her would give you a better idea of whether to go or not.

    I'll use myself as an example. My parents were married until the day that my dad died. Prior to getting married, he had some drinking issues but nothing that seemed to be unmanageable. Once all of the children had moved out of the house and my dad had a heart attack and couldn't work, he turned to alcohol again. I refused to be around him when he was that way. I love my mom, but, she and I agreed that it would be in my best interest (and my daughter's) to stay away until he got help. He did get help, and it wasn't because we pushed him. My mom moved out and got a job and that made him realize that he wasn't getting what he wanted from the alcohol. Sadly, I never spent another holiday with him before he passed away. I did get to a point of forgiveness though. That was my turning point. I let go of the bitterness and anger that I felt for him. I can't change his behavior, he has to want to change it. I can change how I react or what I do in the situation. I'm so glad that I did that before he died.
    My relationship with my mom is pretty good. She does feel as if she’s in the middle since according to her my dad tells her I am the problem not him since I know he’s an alcoholic. It’s so bad, I didn’t even want my DB to meet him. We had a family party where my DB was going to meet my family and I was worried by the time my DB got there, my dad would be drunk. Luckily, he wasn’t and my DB left before he could see how my dad is. (He knows I have issues with it and he supports me since he’s had issues with his biological father as well). It’s just tough
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    #6
    I guess that what I am trying to say is, there comes point where you need to do what works for you and your well-being and not feel guilty for doing it. I know how tough it is. You can choose to be/not to be there. That's the freedom of having a choice. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. For me, if it was causing anxiety, I would not go. I'd find an alternative that didn't include my dad.

    I'm not an expert by any means but my personal experience throughout the years has given me insight on my anxiety and guilt issues.

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