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Thread: Blargh...I don't even know what is going on anymore.

  1. Regular Member
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    #1

    Blargh...I don't even know what is going on anymore.

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    Okay, so from my other posts here and elsewhere some of you know that me and "the boy" were casually dating for a couple of weeks before he deployed. We never discussed what we were, aside from him potentially dropping some hints. Well, I took your advice and kind of opened up to him a bit---I didn't directly ask what/where we are/were. But I said I was confused, particularly about where I stand. (This happened after kids came up...which seems extremely early to be talking about since we're not even actually in a relationship. But it caused a bit of tension because he would eventually, in ten years or so, like to have kids. Whereas I'm quite positive I never do. So I told him that, particularly after that, I don't know where I stand. I don't know if we're friends or something more. That I didn't need a definition, per se, but...some general idea would help.)

    Anyway, he basically apologized for bringing up the kid thing, since he agreed it was way too early. It was a bit of a set back for him but I'm unlike anyone he's ever met so he's just going to let it go and if things progress maybe we can talk about it later.

    Now, here's why I'm still all "I don't know wtf is going on." After that, he admitted it set me back a bit. (Normally the kids thing is a deal breaker for him, apparently.) But he also said that he likes me, a lot. And wants to just continue focusing on the "now" and just see what happens. Which I read as a "I don't want to be in a relationship right now, but want to see where this goes," which is understandable and I'm fine with that. (Although if things continue as they are that might need to change because he calls almost every day and we talk every day so in many ways we act like we're in a relationship.) What I am most confused with now is that...he asked if I'd go to his homecoming when he gets back. That's awhile from now, since he just left last month. I said sure, keep me informed, etc. But...this is the thing. I know friends will go to homecomings when soldiers get off the plane back from deployment...but isn't that normally something that is primarily with significant others and family? His family isn't where he'll be coming back, so they won't be able to be there. I'm just...kind of surprised, I suppose, that he asked me when in the same conversation about it he told me that it's mainly girlfriends/wives.

    Blargh! It seems like he's sending me so many different signals and I don't know wtf is going on or how to read them! This is more of a rant/vent I suppose, but advice (and an explanation of the homecoming thing) is always much appreciated.
  2. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by ivyss View Post
    Okay, so from my other posts here and elsewhere some of you know that me and "the boy" were casually dating for a couple of weeks before he deployed. We never discussed what we were, aside from him potentially dropping some hints. Well, I took your advice and kind of opened up to him a bit---I didn't directly ask what/where we are/were. But I said I was confused, particularly about where I stand. (This happened after kids came up...which seems extremely early to be talking about since we're not even actually in a relationship. But it caused a bit of tension because he would eventually, in ten years or so, like to have kids. Whereas I'm quite positive I never do. So I told him that, particularly after that, I don't know where I stand. I don't know if we're friends or something more. That I didn't need a definition, per se, but...some general idea would help.)

    Anyway, he basically apologized for bringing up the kid thing, since he agreed it was way too early. It was a bit of a set back for him but I'm unlike anyone he's ever met so he's just going to let it go and if things progress maybe we can talk about it later.

    Now, here's why I'm still all "I don't know wtf is going on." After that, he admitted it set me back a bit. (Normally the kids thing is a deal breaker for him, apparently.) But he also said that he likes me, a lot. And wants to just continue focusing on the "now" and just see what happens. Which I read as a "I don't want to be in a relationship right now, but want to see where this goes," which is understandable and I'm fine with that. (Although if things continue as they are that might need to change because he calls almost every day and we talk every day so in many ways we act like we're in a relationship.) What I am most confused with now is that...he asked if I'd go to his homecoming when he gets back. That's awhile from now, since he just left last month. I said sure, keep me informed, etc. But...this is the thing. I know friends will go to homecomings when soldiers get off the plane back from deployment...but isn't that normally something that is primarily with significant others and family? His family isn't where he'll be coming back, so they won't be able to be there. I'm just...kind of surprised, I suppose, that he asked me when in the same conversation about it he told me that it's mainly girlfriends/wives.

    Blargh! It seems like he's sending me so many different signals and I don't know wtf is going on or how to read them! This is more of a rant/vent I suppose, but advice (and an explanation of the homecoming thing) is always much appreciated.
    The more you try to analyze this and figure out what he means from the "clues" you see (ie the homecoming thing) the worse you are going to make it - it really comes down to doing exactly the opposite of what you did in the bolded - if you want clear, direct answers and information you have to ask clear and direct questions. Making assumptions based on what he is/isn't saying is setting yourself, and him, up for potential stress, heartache, etc down the road.
  3. Pour a little salt, we were never here
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    #3
    I would just ask him at this point. Especially after the homecoming discussion, which seems like it was another perfect segue into asking. I would literally just say "So, because of our recent talks about me being at homecoming, I was wondering, am I your girlfriend now?" and if he says yes, I would clarify that you both think it means the same thing (like does it mean you're in an exclusive relationship).

    I don't think it's good for you or him to spend all this time wondering, just find out.

    Also as a side note, I don't think it's too early to talk about kids, especially because it can be such a deal breaker for many. It's difficult to develop a bond with someone and then have to eventually break it if neither person changes their mind. That said, if you're both so interested in each other that you think it's worth it, then I'd just proceed knowing it'll be hard whenever that time comes.
    Last edited by [his] lobster; 12-17-2013 at 11:40 AM. Reason: left something out
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    #4
    You need to just flat out ask him what you want from him, and what you expect from him. It seems like there's a lot of beating around the bush going on, which will cause more confusion.

    As for the homecoming thing, yes family and SO's go, but I have gone to friends homecomings before, so I wouldn't read too much into that part.
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    #5
    Sounds like he's not interested in thinking about the future, and that's understandable for him. However, if you're looking for something long-term, he may not be in a place where he can give that to you. Something like kids/no kids is a HUGE issue, and if he's saying it's not a big deal when you know it is for him, it just raises a red flag (IMO) that he's not looking at you as having long-term potential. I agree with those who've said you need to ask him flat out where you stand. Even if you get an answer you don't want, you won't be living with a false impression and investing your time in someone who can't give you what you need.

    I do hope it works out for you.
  6. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by HoneyBadger View Post
    Sounds like he's not interested in thinking about the future, and that's understandable for him. However, if you're looking for something long-term, he may not be in a place where he can give that to you. Something like kids/no kids is a HUGE issue, and if he's saying it's not a big deal when you know it is for him, it just raises a red flag (IMO) that he's not looking at you as having long-term potential. I agree with those who've said you need to ask him flat out where you stand. Even if you get an answer you don't want, you won't be living with a false impression and investing your time in someone who can't give you what you need.

    I do hope it works out for you.
    with all the above, but especially the bolded
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    #7
    Yes, I also agree with the kids thing. Honestly, if a was dating a really great guy and he came to me and told me he didn't want kids, ever, I don't think I could continue with the relationship, no matter how much I care about him, because having kids is something I really want. And that would be a huge deal breaker to me aswell, and not something I would/could negotiate on.

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