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Thread: trying to fight or not

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    trying to fight or not

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    hello,
    my army boyfriend and i broke up. the relationship was never easy because he and i wanted to see each other more often then it was possible. we struggeled from time to time but always fixed it and tried to continue cause we love each other - in the end he broke up saying he has no time for a relationship and plus he is going back to the states in a few months and he does not want a long distance relationship, which we knew from the beginning that this would happen some time. he said he had that all the time during the army and it does not work for him. i was offering solutions and he blocked everything. in the end he didnt even wanted to face me to say it on skype or on the phone. i asked him why he said he loves me and is doing this in the end and he answered because he does and he still does but he cant do this relationship. i was asking him to talk to me on the phone but he did not wanted it. since that, its not even two days ago, he is isolating hisself. maybe its a stupid question but would it be better to leave him at all or fight cause he always said he loves me even in the last days before this happened. or do i just see hope in the fact that he says he does love me and he still does? i am lost and sad and i miss him so horribly.
    thanks!
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    #2
    First of all lots and lots of

    I would say to just leave it be. He has made it clear that he doesn't want to try and make things work. It sounds like he dealt with things pretty badly and I'm sorry about that. It doesn't make sense fighting for something that he has shown and said he doesn't want to also fight for.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by KathaK87 View Post
    hello,
    my army boyfriend and i broke up. the relationship was never easy because he and i wanted to see each other more often then it was possible. we struggeled from time to time but always fixed it and tried to continue cause we love each other - in the end he broke up saying he has no time for a relationship and plus he is going back to the states in a few months and he does not want a long distance relationship, which we knew from the beginning that this would happen some time. he said he had that all the time during the army and it does not work for him. i was offering solutions and he blocked everything. in the end he didnt even wanted to face me to say it on skype or on the phone. i asked him why he said he loves me and is doing this in the end and he answered because he does and he still does but he cant do this relationship. i was asking him to talk to me on the phone but he did not wanted it. since that, its not even two days ago, he is isolating hisself. maybe its a stupid question but would it be better to leave him at all or fight cause he always said he loves me even in the last days before this happened. or do i just see hope in the fact that he says he does love me and he still does? i am lost and sad and i miss him so horribly.
    thanks!
    At this point I think you need to respect the fact that you have said you want communication and he has declined. What the future holds is something no one can know, but for right now I would focus on yourself so that regardless of whether things do work out or not YOU are the happiest/healthiest/most whole YOU and can move forward in your life as such whether that is with him or not.
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    #4
    WHen a man thinks so little of you that he's willing to live without you, he's not someone you should be with.

    And if someone tells you not to contact them, you should respect that. Leave him alone, if that's what he's asked you to do.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
  5. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #5
    I agree with the others, I would take him at his word that he does not want to be in a relationship with you and that he does not want to have contact with you. And I think respecting that is a good idea and it would help you heal. Isolating oneself from an ex can be hurtful to the ex, but it can help people to move on and that may be way he's doing it.

    The thing with fighting to save a relationship is that BOTH people have to fight for it, and he's made it pretty clear he has no intention of doing so.

    I'm sorry. Breakups are awful.
  6. Fresh Newbie
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    #6
    i just dont get how someone can still say two days when he was at the field that he has one minute and just wants to say he loves me loves me, even on that day he said it more then once, couple of days before he asked me on the phone to sent him pictures from the concert i went to, that he wished he would be there with me and he is trying to come and see me, even wanted to spent thanksgiving with me, till the army put him on duty the friday after - and the this. why all this talking? if he was sure about this whole thing then he could have told me weeks ago or just man up and look me in the face and tell me...
  7. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #7
    Unfortunately when it comes to relationships ending, people aren't always completely honest. Maybe he was feeling conflicted and he really did want those things at the time, maybe he said them because he thought that's what you wanted to hear and he didn't want you to suspect he was about to end the relationship, maybe he is just being cruel, nobody knows. Maybe he is just taking the easy way out because he doesn't want to deal with any conflict.

    But just because his words and his actions conflict, that doesn't mean he isn't sure. And in fact right now his words and actions are in agreement - that he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Personally, I would go with that and get started on moving on.

    I mean, there is a very small possibility that if you "fight" enough, blow up his phone and email etc., maybe he will see the light and come back to you and you will forgive him and you guys will live happily ever after. I don't think it's worth putting yourself through that for someone who left you. Like villanelle said, I think everyone deserves someone who WANTS to be with them.
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    #8
    Often, people fake it until the very end of the relationship, trying to make it work, trying to keep things normal while they make decisions, trying to avoid uncomfortable conflict, etc. You can't know why. Asking that question will drive you crazy. The answers are in his head and not available to you, and they may not make sense to you even if you could read his mind.

    All you can do is work on healing yourself. Don't contact him. Those are his wishes, and they should be respected. Harassing him when he's asked you to leave him alone isn't cool.

    I'm so sorry you are hurting. I hope that in time, you heal and find someone who treasures you enough to never let you go.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    Unfortunately when it comes to relationships ending, people aren't always completely honest. Maybe he was feeling conflicted and he really did want those things at the time, maybe he said them because he thought that's what you wanted to hear and he didn't want you to suspect he was about to end the relationship, maybe he is just being cruel, nobody knows. Maybe he is just taking the easy way out because he doesn't want to deal with any conflict.

    But just because his words and his actions conflict, that doesn't mean he isn't sure. And in fact right now his words and actions are in agreement - that he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Personally, I would go with that and get started on moving on.

    I mean, there is a very small possibility that if you "fight" enough, blow up his phone and email etc., maybe he will see the light and come back to you and you will forgive him and you guys will live happily ever after. I don't think it's worth putting yourself through that for someone who left you. Like villanelle said, I think everyone deserves someone who WANTS to be with them.
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    Often, people fake it until the very end of the relationship, trying to make it work, trying to keep things normal while they make decisions, trying to avoid uncomfortable conflict, etc. You can't know why. Asking that question will drive you crazy. The answers are in his head and not available to you, and they may not make sense to you even if you could read his mind.

    All you can do is work on healing yourself. Don't contact him. Those are his wishes, and they should be respected. Harassing him when he's asked you to leave him alone isn't cool.

    I'm so sorry you are hurting. I hope that in time, you heal and find someone who treasures you enough to never let you go.
    breaking up doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you. He just can't be in the relationship anymore. I am sorry this is causing you so much pain and his messages were so conflicting. Break ups are never easy.
  10. Breathe and chill
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    #10
    I'm sorry you're hurting and things aren't working out how you want them to, but do you REALLY want to be with a man you have to beg to stay with you? I know (personally) I would always wonder WHY he was with me if he took me back.

    Find someone who wants to be there and make the time for you . I'd let him go and take him at his word.
    Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like a boss.

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