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Thread: Please be kind, I just need advice

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    Last edited by AlysiaDarling; 12-13-2013 at 03:14 AM.


  2. I miss Target & Trader Joe's, open roads & the smell of home
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by AlysiaDarling View Post
    My DF was supposed to be coming home early from a 6 month deployment in Afghanistan. They started doing all the out-processing & stuff to leave. He is security forces for the Air Force, but had additional training and is now an ADM. Hopefully, y'all know what it is that they do. Well, him and his partner (they're in two man teams), didn't go to a tower like they were supposed to. The day before, another two-man team did this first. I don't want to seem like i'm placing blame or making excuses so i'm leaving out some details.

    The first team got caught and whoever the higher-up was asked my DF and his partner if they went to their tower or not. Evidently, my DFs partner lied, which means my DF is considered lying too. Once they found out the other team got caught, they decided to come clean and tell the higher-up that they lied and did not go to the tower.

    I understand he is FULLY in the wrong. That he DOES need to be punished. I understand the higher-up is trying to make an example out of them. However, i feel like he got the hammer full force. Each guy was court-martialed and they had to wait for the judge and attorney to fly out to Afghanistan. Well, they had the trial. The first guy went and plead innocent and played the "new guy" tactic meaning that he had no idea even tho he is a higher rank than my DF. He got away with it and gets to go home like nothing happened.

    My DF was next for his trial. He made a pre-trial plea bargain so that he wouldn't get charged for lying (up to 1 year in confinement), he couldn't get dishonorable discharge, and the max he could get for confinement would be 45 days instead (what he got charged with is up to 6 months confinement). We got a lot of people to write character statements for him and everything. None of it helped. Let me add, that he just hit his 3 year mark for being in the service in September and has not ever been in trouble! Well he got charged. He now has a misdemeanor on his record, losing 2 stripes, 45 days in confinement, probably be put on the rollback when he gets back to his home base, and they're taking 1/3 of his paycheck for the next 3 months. I was hoping for an article 15 and maybe lose a stripe or two but not all of this

    We are supposed to be getting married in April I am more concerned with having a roof over my head instead of a wedding but we're in a contract with the coordinator. UGH!
    I just wanted to know if anyone has gone through anything like this or knows someone who did. Any advice? Any recommendations? Should I still move to be with him when he gets out? What should i do? Wedding advice? Absolutely anything would help.

    I am heartbroken for him. All he is concerned about is me and how he is putting me through this. He keeps telling me that he will learn from this mistake and fix this. I am just feeling like his future is ruined for ONE mistake in over 3 years. I feel like the last 3 years of his life have been wasted. I feel like everyone is going to view him as a POS for one mistake. It's not fair, if our futures were ruined for one mistake in our lives, we'd all be screwed. My family, friends, and boss all know what kind of man he is and are all so supportive, but they can't relate.

    This is so hard. I feel like im in a nightmare.
    first of all I am SO sorry. You guys will get through this.

    To the bolded. YES.

    When you decided you wanted to marry him, you decided you wanted to say the vows "for better, for worse." This is for worse. And this too shall pass. The good thing is, he won't get a dishonorable discharge, so if he is forced out, he has veteran preference for jobs and GI bill (I think?? I'm just assuming here). Second, a misdemeanor is not a felony, so that's good? To what charge did he end up pleading? His career plan might end up having to change (maybe not?), but no one died, no one is in the hospital, and no one is going to prison for 10 years, so you will get through it. And one day look back on it as a crazy time, just starting out.

    As for the legal aspect: Did he have a different judge than the other guy who was already sentenced? What did his partner end up doing as far as plead/trial?

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    #3
    Personally I would still move out and get married as long as you'll be working and so not 100% dependent upon his paycheck and career. Your DH messed up and due to his mistakes, he is serving the sentence that was considered fair. I'm sure that the court knows more about the situation than you do, so you have to trust their judgement and let that resentment and indignation go and move on. Your DH is very lucky that he didn't get a dishonorable discharge and that he is being allowed to stay in for now. I would just stay as supportive of him as possible and make sure that you're planning your own career now. Understand that you can't depend on his income to provide now and instead plan to possibly be the breadwinner for a little while. The fact that he isn't getting a dishonorable discharge makes a HUGE different in his employability, so he should be able to get a civilian job.
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    “Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.” -- Carl Sagan

  4. I miss Target & Trader Joe's, open roads & the smell of home
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    Quote Originally Posted by katinahat View Post
    Personally I would still move out and get married as long as you'll be working and so not 100% dependent upon his paycheck and career. Your DH messed up and due to his mistakes, he is serving the sentence that was considered fair. I'm sure that the court knows more about the situation than you do, so you have to trust their judgement and let that resentment and indignation go and move on. Your DH is very lucky that he didn't get a dishonorable discharge and that he is being allowed to stay in for now. I would just stay as supportive of him as possible and make sure that you're planning your own career now. Understand that you can't depend on his income to provide now and instead plan to possibly be the breadwinner for a little while. The fact that he isn't getting a dishonorable discharge makes a HUGE different in his employability, so he should be able to get a civilian job.
    (with all of it)
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    Last edited by AlysiaDarling; 12-13-2013 at 02:53 AM.


  6. I miss Target & Trader Joe's, open roads & the smell of home
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by AlysiaDarling View Post
    Okay I know all of that. I am 22, I have been doing hair for the last 5 years. We are both from the same small town. I was planning to move when he gets back to his base. I just don't know how long he's actually going to still be in. I have to get my licensed switched over and find a new job. I have a full time job here,where I am now, and I go to school full time as well. That is no worries at all.

    We are in a contract with the wedding coordinator. I do not have this kind of money for the wedding. We've already put down a good amount. He has money saved but that money could help with living life NOW instead of towards a wedding. I've emailed the coordinator and hope he can help me lower the price or change it to a later date so more time to manage our budget. I just don't know whether to wait it out and see if he gets out sooner instead of uprooting my life for a month or so. Ya know?
    Does he think he will get discharged early? Or finish out his contract? This sounds like something you need to discuss with him, because none of us can know that
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlysiaDarling View Post
    Okay I know all of that. I am 22, I have been doing hair for the last 5 years. We are both from the same small town. I was planning to move when he gets back to his base. I just don't know how long he's actually going to still be in. I have to get my licensed switched over and find a new job. I have a full time job here,where I am now, and I go to school full time as well. That is no worries at all.

    We are in a contract with the wedding coordinator. I do not have this kind of money for the wedding. We've already put down a good amount. He has money saved but that money could help with living life NOW instead of towards a wedding. I've emailed the coordinator and hope he can help me lower the price or change it to a later date so more time to manage our budget. I just don't know whether to wait it out and see if he gets out sooner instead of uprooting my life for a month or so. Ya know?
    I know that you've already put down payments on the wedding contract. But if he's loosing a huge chunk of income and possible getting out soon, you might have to look into cutting your losses on the down payments.

    Given the extra information about what you'd be giving up (school and a job) to move for just a few months. I wouldn't move and add any more instability or big changes to this situation.
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    Let me just say i completely understand your issue with your wedding contract... I'm in the same boat - we had the money and then financial emergencies occurred and we don't anymore - it's stressful. Hope they can work something out with you
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    Last edited by AlysiaDarling; 12-13-2013 at 02:53 AM.


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    Honestly, I have no advice. But it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. You're asking the right questions and prioritizing the money you do have, and you're trying to be as supportive of him as you can. Until you get more information, I think that's all you can do right now.
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