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Thread: Is he hinting at this or am I just reading too much into things?

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    #1

    Is he hinting at this or am I just reading too much into things?

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    Okay, so I have a degree in psychology and the tendency to pay attention to people's behavior---whether what the say, text, do, or the lack of any of those. I also have the tendency to read too much into something if I want to be able to come to a certain conclusion, so I have to be careful sometimes.

    This is one of those times! Quick background for those of you who don't know...I was casually dating a guy I had met for a few weeks before he deployed. He had mentioned at one point that he'd like to have someone to come home to after deployment, but I said that I didn't think jumping into an LDR so soon was something I was looking for. He agreed (this all happened on the second date) and said we'd just let whatever happens, happen. We didn't talk about what we were after that, so when he left there wasn't any clear definition of "us". Friends, of course, with something more (we slept together---literally, as well as sex), but also agreed there was some sort of a connection between us. He's been gone for about three weeks now and we've been messaging each other as often as we can, and have been able to talk on the phone twice so far.

    Now...here's the thing. I've gone on a couple of dates since he left and they have been mediocre. I found myself comparing the guys to him, and finding them lacking in some way. I have realized that I miss him---which I figured I would, just not so quickly. It's made me begin to consider whether or not I would actually be open to being in a LDR. I think part of my confusion is the fact that I don't know what we are, where we stand, etc. Down the line I'm hoping we talk about it, but I don't want to bring it up so early, especially when he is still settling in. (Plus, I'll be honest, I don't want to be the one to bring it up. I've never been in a relationship before and he has, so I want him to be the one to bring it up.)

    Anyway! Here's the ultimate question, about whether he is hinting at something or if I am reading into it. The past three "conversations" we have had---two via messages, one phone---"girlfriend" and "boyfriend" have come into the conversation, and he has been the one to do it. The first was after he saw a short film of mine, where I was a girlfriend/wife. He mentioned I was training to be a good girlfriend, and then asked if I was even looking for a boyfriend. (My response to each, respectively, was that I don't think you can train to be a good girlfriend. You become one in an individual relationship by how much effort you put into that relationship. And I am not looking for a boyfriend because, to me, it implies a sort of desperation and ultimate goal that I do not have. Would I like one, of course, but I don't plan on forcing one and want it to be right.) Then, after I had an altercation at work with a woman who apparently has an issue with me, he said (jokingly) that maybe she was mad that I stole her boyfriend. I kind of laughed that off, but I'm wondering if he wanted me to somehow associate that with him. And finally, he mentioned having included on an application to be his girlfriend a trait that I have that we had literally just been talking about.

    So...I'm wondering if all of that is him beginning to test the waters, in a sense. Start to bring the topic into our conversations to see what my interest in, with the eventual goal to actually discuss it? Or am I just reading into it too much?
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by ivyss View Post
    Okay, so I have a degree in psychology and the tendency to pay attention to people's behavior---whether what the say, text, do, or the lack of any of those. I also have the tendency to read too much into something if I want to be able to come to a certain conclusion, so I have to be careful sometimes.

    This is one of those times! Quick background for those of you who don't know...I was casually dating a guy I had met for a few weeks before he deployed. He had mentioned at one point that he'd like to have someone to come home to after deployment, but I said that I didn't think jumping into an LDR so soon was something I was looking for. He agreed (this all happened on the second date) and said we'd just let whatever happens, happen. We didn't talk about what we were after that, so when he left there wasn't any clear definition of "us". Friends, of course, with something more (we slept together---literally, as well as sex), but also agreed there was some sort of a connection between us. He's been gone for about three weeks now and we've been messaging each other as often as we can, and have been able to talk on the phone twice so far.

    Now...here's the thing. I've gone on a couple of dates since he left and they have been mediocre. I found myself comparing the guys to him, and finding them lacking in some way. I have realized that I miss him---which I figured I would, just not so quickly. It's made me begin to consider whether or not I would actually be open to being in a LDR. I think part of my confusion is the fact that I don't know what we are, where we stand, etc. Down the line I'm hoping we talk about it, but I don't want to bring it up so early, especially when he is still settling in. (Plus, I'll be honest, I don't want to be the one to bring it up. I've never been in a relationship before and he has, so I want him to be the one to bring it up.)

    Anyway! Here's the ultimate question, about whether he is hinting at something or if I am reading into it. The past three "conversations" we have had---two via messages, one phone---"girlfriend" and "boyfriend" have come into the conversation, and he has been the one to do it. The first was after he saw a short film of mine, where I was a girlfriend/wife. He mentioned I was training to be a good girlfriend, and then asked if I was even looking for a boyfriend. (My response to each, respectively, was that I don't think you can train to be a good girlfriend. You become one in an individual relationship by how much effort you put into that relationship. And I am not looking for a boyfriend because, to me, it implies a sort of desperation and ultimate goal that I do not have. Would I like one, of course, but I don't plan on forcing one and want it to be right.) Then, after I had an altercation at work with a woman who apparently has an issue with me, he said (jokingly) that maybe she was mad that I stole her boyfriend. I kind of laughed that off, but I'm wondering if he wanted me to somehow associate that with him. And finally, he mentioned having included on an application to be his girlfriend a trait that I have that we had literally just been talking about.

    So...I'm wondering if all of that is him beginning to test the waters, in a sense. Start to bring the topic into our conversations to see what my interest in, with the eventual goal to actually discuss it? Or am I just reading into it too much?
    There's really no way for us to say whether or not he's 'testing the waters'. The ultimate question is - are you interested in taking the next step in your relationship with him? Now? Soon? Later? Maybe you should talk to him about it! For now, just have fun getting to know him!
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    #3
    I think you're paying to much attention to what isn't being said and it's bordering on game playing.


    Talk to him. If you want to talk with him about how you've discovered that you missed him more than you thought and that you've found yourself comparing others to him, start a discussion with him about it. It's not fair to expect him to bring it up. He DID bring it up and you weren't ready. The ball is in your court now. Pick it up and start the discussion.
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    Hmm true. I definitely don't want to play games with him. I sent him a letter earlier this week that'll he should (hopefully) get by the end of next week. Our conversations via messaging are relatively superficial, so the letter is much more in depth and serious, I suppose. In it I did say that I miss him, more than I thought and earlier than I thought. So hopefully that will start the ball rolling. In the meantime I'll start to think about how to bring it up if I decide to do so.
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    #5
    That all sounded really confusing to me. Maybe because I haven't had breakfast yet. It sounds like he wants to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and he is asking you in different ways and you haven't decided if you want it yet.

    I would try to be really clear with him. Like either A) Yes I want to be exclusive and call each other BF/GF or B) I enjoy talking to you and want to continue, but don't want to be exclusive and use BF/GF at least until you get home.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by [his] lobster View Post
    That all sounded really confusing to me. Maybe because I haven't had breakfast yet. It sounds like he wants to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and he is asking you in different ways and you haven't decided if you want it yet.

    I would try to be really clear with him. Like either A) Yes I want to be exclusive and call each other BF/GF or B) I enjoy talking to you and want to continue, but don't want to be exclusive and use BF/GF at least until you get home.
    Lol sorry. I tend to ramble and it can get confusing.

    See that's the thing. It sounds like he's kind of asking about being a couple, but because I've never been in a relationship and I am oblivious to things like this, I'm not sure if he actually is. I need things like this to be just blatant---like, point blank ask me to be your girlfriend. I think I'd say yes, honestly. But because he's doing this very...subtle thing, I don't know wtf is going on.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Lynn View Post
    I think you're paying to much attention to what isn't being said and it's bordering on game playing.


    Talk to him. If you want to talk with him about how you've discovered that you missed him more than you thought and that you've found yourself comparing others to him, start a discussion with him about it. It's not fair to expect him to bring it up. He DID bring it up and you weren't ready. The ball is in your court now. Pick it up and start the discussion.

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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Lynn View Post
    I think you're paying to much attention to what isn't being said and it's bordering on game playing.


    Talk to him. If you want to talk with him about how you've discovered that you missed him more than you thought and that you've found yourself comparing others to him, start a discussion with him about it. It's not fair to expect him to bring it up. He DID bring it up and you weren't ready. The ball is in your court now. Pick it up and start the discussion.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by ivyss View Post
    Lol sorry. I tend to ramble and it can get confusing.

    See that's the thing. It sounds like he's kind of asking about being a couple, but because I've never been in a relationship and I am oblivious to things like this, I'm not sure if he actually is. I need things like this to be just blatant---like, point blank ask me to be your girlfriend. I think I'd say yes, honestly. But because he's doing this very...subtle thing, I don't know wtf is going on.
    It sounds like he was trying to sort of transition into it by asking if you were looking for a boyfriend. I doubt if he was asking because he wanted to analyze if you were desperate or not, KWIM? To me, I would think he was asking for a specific reason (that reason being him) and more so asking if you were open to a relationship right now or if you were in a state in life of "I don't want a relationship right now" because some people have those times in life. Seems like if you had yes, it may have led to a follow up question of "Can I be that person" or something similar.

    But anyway, if you want to be his girlfriend, I would just ask/tell him.

    I'm a rambler too, so I get it
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    #10
    It sounds to me like the ball is in your court. If you're interested in being exclusive, say so!
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