Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 50

Thread: First major argument and struggling to get through it.

  1. Regular Member
    Alexandria♥'s Avatar
    Alexandria♥ is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Posts
    230
    #1

    First major argument and struggling to get through it.

    Advertisements
    Hi all,
    So I'm going to try to word this to the best of my ability without getting totally all over the place so here goes. My boyfriend and I have been going out for a few months and while we have our tiffs (usually over the same situation) we always get through it. I have really strong feelings for this guy and I know he feels the same way but I can tell he gets stressed trying to balance his friends and me at the same time. He doesn't have a lot of days off and his friends are his brothers (mentality of the Corps). Its not necessarily that I feel like he doesn't have time for me and I try to give him his space to do whatever he wants but there are times when him, me, and his friends are all together and I feel totally invisible. I'm a pretty personable person but when I am feeling ignored I do admit getting an attitude and I can tell it stresses him out. I think there are some things I just need to let go.

    We had a huge fight after the USMC Birthday Ball because I felt entirely disregarded. I know it was "his" night but I didn't feel like he wanted to have anything to do with me. He was more worried about what his friends were doing. I confronted him about this and while we both tried to move past it we never fully did and just ended up arguing about it the next day. He told me it was "his night" and that I needed to respect that. Now he says he needs time to "think about our relationship" and I'm panicking because I never meant for the conversation to go in this direction. This isn't worth ending everything. He's a great guy and I love spending time with him but I think with the stress of his job and this issue coming up again bringing this up may have been the straw that broke the camels back. I pushed him away and I'm scared for what might happen.

    He tells me things like in his past relationship he gave up all his friends in order to be with his ex and he doesn't want to do that. I don't expect him to blow off his friends for me I just want to be included to some degree. This is his first relationship since a bad breakup and he's not used to it. When I talk to him about my issues of feeling in the simplest terms "left out" and alone I can tell it makes him uncomfortable and he's fed up.He is out in the field this week (no contact) then taking leave for a couple weeks to go home. Is there a way to secure this relationship a little better especially next time we talk?
  2. Lime breakfast foot
    bajingo's Avatar
    bajingo is offline
    Lime breakfast foot
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    12,479

    #2
    Honestly, when my husband's friends are over he hardly talks to me at all. I usually just hang out withe their wives or girlfriends. Maybe just try asking him to carve out more one on one time for you so you don't feel ignored and then also ask him to invite more couples to group things so you can get to know the ladies in his friend's lives? That way it's clear that you want attention but you also want to be part of the group in some way.

    I think it's a big red flag that he's brushing off your legitimate attempts to communicate and being an asshole though. If he can't listen to you talk about how you feel and take your feelings into consideration then that's a problem.


  3. Regular Member
    Alexandria♥'s Avatar
    Alexandria♥ is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Posts
    230
    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Boo!jingo View Post
    Honestly, when my husband's friends are over he hardly talks to me at all. I usually just hang out withe their wives or girlfriends. Maybe just try asking him to carve out more one on one time for you so you don't feel ignored and then also ask him to invite more couples to group things so you can get to know the ladies in his friend's lives? That way it's clear that you want attention but you also want to be part of the group in some way.

    I think it's a big red flag that he's brushing off your legitimate attempts to communicate and being an asshole though. If he can't listen to you talk about how you feel and take your feelings into consideration then that's a problem.
    Yea I was thinking about that last night. I think this is the first time where me attempting to communicate just backfired and he totally blew me off. He's not usually like that. I should focus on doing my own thing when he's with his friends because honestly I'm not used to it. It's nice to know that it's not just him, in the back of my head I know that a lot of guys in the military are attached at the hip with their buddies so when a gf comes into the picture it's not really apt to change. He has a lot of friends and he would rather be with them be alone. I am the exact opposite. I have a close knit group of friends most LD because of school and I am happier being by myself then being with a huge group of people. I'm hoping time apart will put things into perspective. He doesn't necessarily want to break up but if he has "to think about" it could happen and I am worried.
  4. "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
    TrishAFSpouse's Avatar
    TrishAFSpouse is offline
    "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    12,308
    #4
    The whole 'bros' excuse is just that.. an excuse.

    If he really wants to be in the relationship, then he will find time for you. Sounds like you are more into the relationship than he is, and he just wants to be a bachelor and hang out with his friends. I get that he gave up friends with his last gf, but he needs to be a man and realize that he can have both. And if he cannot figure out how to have both, then he need not string you along.

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
  5. Regular Member
    Alexandria♥'s Avatar
    Alexandria♥ is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Posts
    230
    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by TrishAFSpouse View Post
    The whole 'bros' excuse is just that.. an excuse.

    If he really wants to be in the relationship, then he will find time for you. Sounds like you are more into the relationship than he is, and he just wants to be a bachelor and hang out with his friends. I get that he gave up friends with his last gf, but he needs to be a man and realize that he can have both. And if he cannot figure out how to have both, then he need not string you along.
    It really is an excuse. Maybe I just need to separate myself from hanging out with him AND his friends. It's not necessarily that he doesn't have time for me because I am happy with the amount of time that I get to spend with him but when it's all of us together that's when there are problems.
  6. "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
    TrishAFSpouse's Avatar
    TrishAFSpouse is offline
    "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    12,308
    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Alexandria♥ View Post
    It really is an excuse. Maybe I just need to separate myself from hanging out with him AND his friends. It's not necessarily that he doesn't have time for me because I am happy with the amount of time that I get to spend with him but when it's all of us together that's when there are problems.
    And that's a fine plan, as long as he isn't making more time them than you. Or, ask if any of these guys have wives/girlfriends and invite them all over.

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
  7. Mombie.
    Jensscrnnm's Avatar
    Jensscrnnm is offline
    Mombie.
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    San Diego, CA
    Posts
    10,011
    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by TrishAFSpouse View Post
    The whole 'bros' excuse is just that.. an excuse.

    If he really wants to be in the relationship, then he will find time for you. Sounds like you are more into the relationship than he is, and he just wants to be a bachelor and hang out with his friends. I get that he gave up friends with his last gf, but he needs to be a man and realize that he can have both. And if he cannot figure out how to have both, then he need not string you along.
    I completely agree. DH has never made me feel like I wasn't there when we were with his friends. And, eventually, his friends all became mine. He needs to figure this out or just walk away.



  8. Regular Member
    Alexandria♥'s Avatar
    Alexandria♥ is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Posts
    230
    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by TrishAFSpouse View Post
    And that's a fine plan, as long as he isn't making more time them than you. Or, ask if any of these guys have wives/girlfriends and invite them all over.
    I agree I just hope that DB will make up his mind about where he stands in our relationship. I am willing to try new things on my part if he can treat me like a girlfriend with our without his friends around. That's his dilemma. I have no problem giving him his space to think about it but this whole thing is really bad timing with him being out in the field, his leave block, and me leaving the country for a couple weeks. Leaves little time if any to sit in person and talk about this. :?
  9. Senior Member
    rayzgirl's Avatar
    rayzgirl is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Me: Colorado
    Posts
    552
    #9
    I would have to agree with what everyone else has said...I have been in some negative situations where I let guys take advantage of me emotionally and string me along and I wish I had taken more seriously the advice both my Mom and friends gave me....if a guy really wants to be with you then he'll be with you and make the effort. End of story. Period. I think you're right, it's not healthy to be the Bobbsey twins and shut everyone else out of your lives but he also should prioritize you if you values your relationship. Just my two cents
    "...so have I chosen, both the sweet and the bitter."
    -tolkien-
  10. Regular Member
    Alexandria♥'s Avatar
    Alexandria♥ is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Posts
    230
    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by sqrllvr123 View Post
    I completely agree. DH has never made me feel like I wasn't there when we were with his friends. And, eventually, his friends all became mine. He needs to figure this out or just walk away.
    I actually went to his closest friend for advice. We are pretty good friends so I figured he would probably be the easiest person to talk to because he knows my boyfriend very well. A lot of the times too all my boyfriend and his friends want to talk about are work and "guy stuff" making in hard for me to really get a solid grasp on the conversation and include myself.
Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •