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Thread: Making Up After a Fight

  1. Regular Member
    NightBreeze's Avatar
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    #1

    Bang Head Making Up After a Fight

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    Morning Everyone:

    I'm not really sure how to start this but I need some help and advice. Things have been going really well for the DB and me since my visit in August. That is until recently. We had a major argument last Thursday which spilled over on Friday. It was a silly and petty argument and we were mad for two different reasons, he because he felt like I didn't listen to him, and me because I felt like he was not respecting my opinion. I've noticed a change in him since he left really but everything came to a head with the argument.

    I spent Friday trying to tell him how hurt and angry I was by his unwillingness to just accept that I had a different view than him, that our discussions didn't need to turn into who was right and who was wrong argument. I'm not as literal of a person as he is so I know that has lead to some of our fights but he just isn't willing to accept that there are something that I just feel differently over and unless they effect our relationship I didn't see a problem with that. I also told him that I didn't appreciate the fact that it felt like he was trying to belittle my opinion, and that he has become more cynical and less patient since he moved overseas.

    He mentioned that he is feeling drained all the time (he thinks it's a combination of work and the fighting) and he acknowledges that he doesn't have a lot of patience these days. He doesn't think he's depressed though.

    But I'm at my wits end. I'm afraid that he is considering leaving even though he has reassured me he would let me know long in advance if that were the case. I don't want to be an emotional drain on him, in fact I want to be the person he can come to for support and reassurances but I won't stand for bad behavior either. He told me numerous times during our discussion that he felt like I was getting ready to leave and he didn't feel like he was my priority. Now things seem really strained between us and I have no idea what to do to fix things or at least get them to a better place. I don't want to lose my DB but I don't know how to make him feel like a priority or show him that I have not intention of leaving beyond the care packages and letters that I've been sending every month.

    Has anyone been in a similar situation or can tell me how you've gotten over the strain of a fight?
  2. Team Rocket
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    #2
    One thing that DH & I did when we were dating was have a discussion about how we were not going to be bailing on the relationship because of distance or a couple arguments. I think it makes it a lot easier to communicate clearly and be honest about your feelings if you know the other person isn't going to up and leave. Trusting them on that takes a lot of strength though and it can be very scary. But maybe if you and your DB discussed it, it would help, since it seemed like a lot of your argument was both of you worrying about the other person leaving.
    WiggleWiggle~ is my Wifey
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    #3
    Fighting sucks. Current DB don't fight, we have like 5 minute disagreements and then we are over it. With my ex DF, we would fight a lot, esp towards the end. He'd always say things like "well then let's just break up" or "just break up with me then" and "I can't do this anymore" which just added to the fear. You have to feel secure in a relationship to be able to argue without worrying that the other isn't just going to break up with you. How long have you two been together? I am asking because in the beginning of a relationship you would probably have those feelings more than you would in a well established one, kwim?
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    We are coming up on three years in January, but he left right before it would have been 2.5 years together. I know particularly in the last argument I would say things like "I can't do this anymore" but I would always follow it up with what I couldn't do any more like the fighting. I know this has been a problem and I'm working on changing that when I get frustrated. The other thing that hurt is part of the argument was done over FB message which in one message I used his name instead of our terms of endearment which just solidified his concerns.

    I will also admit that I get really frustrated because our arguments always break down into the same thing, he feels like I don't hear him and I feel like he ignores my feelings or that he has to be right. Since this has been occurring more regularly, I was forced to ask myself if I was willing to stay around if things were going to continue this way. Funny enough we never argued like this before he left which adds to our frustrations. However, I certainly don't go into the OMG he's going to leave me thought process....this is the first time he's ever done that though.

    I'm just looking for advice on how to overcome that awkward or tense phase that occurs after a fight. I finally apologized for making him feel like I was going to walk away and that's made things slightly better for me but I don't want to push him away or constantly making contact. Any thoughts
    Last edited by NightBreeze; 11-18-2013 at 04:34 PM.
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    #5
    After almost three years you should feel secure enough not having this "OMG HE IS GOING TO BREAK UP WITH ME" fear though everytime you argue. I am betting the distance adds into that though. You can't talk face to face, and even after you talk about it on the phone or whatever, there's always that nagging thought in the back of your mind that things are NOT okay. I hope you will be able to talk things through.
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    #6
    its sooo hard arguing from a distance. esp when you cant hear the words, or see them being said face to face. its just harder to communicate in general through texts/computer screens. so impersonal.
    ive been having a few arguments with DB lately.. & i do feel like he doesnt take my qualms seriously sometimes. women are just naturally more emotional people imo.
    when we do argue, if possible, i make sure we talk it out over a phone call.. or facetime. if we do reach a compromise, or even if we agree to disagree.. as long as he knows how i feel, i wont bring it up again in hopes that he listened & understood & we wont have the same problem again. i try to let it slide off my back, & continue with our normal conversation the next time..
    i dont want to be a nag or make talking to me a chore. i know hes stressed out enough already. if i feel like i need to hash out some old issues again.. ill do it when i see him.
  7. The Decider
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by NightBreeze View Post
    We are coming up on three years in January, but he left right before it would have been 2.5 years together. I know particularly in the last argument I would say things like "I can't do this anymore" but I would always follow it up with what I couldn't do any more like the fighting. I know this has been a problem and I'm working on changing that when I get frustrated. The other thing that hurt is part of the argument was done over FB message which in one message I used his name instead of our terms of endearment which just solidified his concerns.

    I will also admit that I get really frustrated because our arguments always break down into the same thing, he feels like I don't hear him and I feel like he ignores my feelings or that he has to be right. Since this has been occurring more regularly, I was forced to ask myself if I was willing to stay around if things were going to continue this way. Funny enough we never argued like this before he left which adds to our frustrations. However, I certainly don't go into the OMG he's going to leave me thought process....this is the first time he's ever done that though.

    I'm just looking for advice on how to overcome that awkward or tense phase that occurs after a fight. I finally apologized for making him feel like I was going to walk away and that's made things slightly better for me but I don't want to push him away or constantly making contact. Any thoughts
    If he were here, I'd say bang it out. Sex, or sexual acts, are very healing to your emotional state(s) after an argument and shows you're willing to open up and be emotionally vulnerable to give him what he needs.

    Since he's not, he expressed concern that he doesn't feel like you make him a priority. So I'd do something to show him the opposite. Send him a surprise card, or spend a little more on this next care pack, or make him something homemade. Send him a little video you make on your phone/webcam telling him you wish you could snuggle up to him tonight and blow him kisses.

    What is his love language? Maybe write him something telling him how much you appreciate him - maybe because he is so good and diligent about making sure your needs are met even though he's so far away. Whatever. Find his love language and run with it.
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