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Thread: marriage talk and I am freaking out

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    Reagan's Avatar
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    #1

    marriage talk and I am freaking out

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    DB talked about marriage. And I am freaking out big time. The thing is, I know he is my soulmate. He is who I am supposed to be with, not a shadow of doubt in my mind. He is my best friend, I can tell him anything, we are so much alike, things are just good. And easy. He completes me like noone else ever has. He encourages me, makes me want to be a better person. We are just SO good together. I want nothing more but to marry him.

    The thing is, I was engaged before. Now in hindsight, I never should have gotten engaged to my ex, but it was one of those "off the plane right after homecoming down on one knee in front of hundreds and hundreds of people proposals" and well...I hate to admit it, but I was overly emotional about his homecoming, and said yes. If he had given me the chance to talk about it first, I would have asked him to wait a while. After that, things went to shit in our relationship. Lots of lies, lots of drinking on his side, emotional abuse that I didn't see then, but I do now. I finally had the strength to end it but it took a while.

    Part of me is terrified it won't end well again as soon as I say yes. I think I have engagement PTSD or something, if there is such a thing. I am terrified that he will somehow change after he puts a ring on my finger, and on the other hand everything in me is screaming how much I want this.

    I want this to be a happy time, I should be so excited, and I am...but part of me is so scared. Has this happened to anyone? How did you work through it?
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    #2
    What you have to remember is that your DB is not your exDB. Two different people, two different relationships. I know it's scary with the possibility of history repeating itself, but you have to give him a chance and don't let your past effect your future, especially when it's something as good as the relationship you have now. Marry when you're both ready.
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    #3
    Disclaimer: this is my story and my opinion

    I had similar apprehensions about DH. However, he knew about my past and those issues, and he just waited for me to feel ready. Are things perhaps just going too fast? I have no idea, just a question. All I know is that at our 1 year anniversary (of dating), I confessed to (now) DH that I wasn't sure. He had been sure for a while and just told me that he loved me and would wait until I 'got there'. I had a lot of healing to do from my past relationships. Once I was ready (at about 1 year, 6-7 months), I told DH to 'go for it' when he felt the timing was right. We got married 6ish months later (I am not a fan of long engagements for myself ).

    Be honest with your DB, that way he doesn't get his heart broken by asking when you don't feel ready. This is a BIG step and you need to be all the way sure and IN this.

    Also, what Kirst said is similar to what my DH said to me early on and many times in our relationship.

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    DH and I talked a lot before getting engaged. For years There's nothing wrong with talking and waiting and talking some more IMO. You can never make sure everything will be perfect but you can move at your own pace and discover important things about each other before taking that step. If you view marriage the way I do it's a huge commitment and how could you not be a little scared about that?

    Time is what assured me the most. I saw him in a wide range of situations and through happy and difficult times. I got a really good view of what kind of man he is and felt pretty confident he knew what he was getting himself into with me too.
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    #5
    I agree with the ones above .You should never ignore your own feelings and trust me he will for you to be ready .Keep us posted about your situation .


    "And when her lips met mine, I knew that I could live to be a hundred and visit every country in the world, but nothing would ever compare to that single moment when I first kissed the girl of my dreams and knew that my love would last forever."~ John Tyree
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    He knows about my history. We just talked about it on Skype a little last night, and he said he'd marry me tomorrow if he could. He's coming up today for the weekend and I think I will talk to him about all my fears. I know he's not my ex, and I don't want him to feel like I am comparing him in any way, and I do want to marry him. I know he's the one for me. We have been together since April, so it IS happening a little fast, but at the same time nothing has ever felt more right in my life. I am still freaking out
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    #7
    Right there with you. I'm so afraid to get engaged again. No advice but
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    #8
    Follow your heart. I had a similar situation. exDF and I were together for 3 years. Lived together for a year and a half before he proposed, then in the next 3 months completely changed and just up and left me. Left me devastated. But then (now) DH came along and it just felt right. We didnt know each other that long, but we knew it was right. Even though there are days I want to kill him, I couldnt be happier. Sometimes you just have to swallow the fear if you know what you are doing is right.
  9. 1/2 hippie, 1/2 diva... all Jersey
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Reagan View Post
    He knows about my history. We just talked about it on Skype a little last night, and he said he'd marry me tomorrow if he could. He's coming up today for the weekend and I think I will talk to him about all my fears. I know he's not my ex, and I don't want him to feel like I am comparing him in any way, and I do want to marry him. I know he's the one for me. We have been together since April, so it IS happening a little fast, but at the same time nothing has ever felt more right in my life. I am still freaking out
    I think that's really sweet that he said he'd marry you tomorrow. Maybe I'm a sucker for that sort of thing b/c DH said the same thing to me.

    HOWEVER... Having BTDT before, I knew that both the person and the timing had to be right. For me, I wanted to go in to it this time around with a free heart and no reservations. If it were me, I would let him know that I want to marry him too. AND (not but) that because he is so special me, this isn't something I can just jump right into because I want to get it right this time.

    I know you said he's the right person for you, but since its only been since April & you guys live in different cities (IIRC)-- how many days have you spent together at one time? That may or may not matter. DH and I moved very fast and it's been fantastic, but we also had the luxury of living together for 1/2 a year before we got married to work out the daily routines, together/alone needs and other things.

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    #10
    I freaked out a little at first when DB talked about marriage. It was really early in our relationship and I told him I didn't want to rush into anything. He was so amazing with it and totally understanding about my fears and my needs. Now I'm the one thinking that I would like to tie the knot before what we had discussed. LOL. His understanding and love for me made me let down my guard and see that I can trust him with my heart. My advise would be to be honest with him. Tell him your fears. The more open and honest you are the stronger your relationship will grow. Hope this helps! *Hugs*
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