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Thread: godparents

  1. Senior Member
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    #1

    godparents

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    so... its one of those situations where I don't know if i should or if i even ever will say anything about this to the person it concerns, so i'll just throw it out here for venting and insight...

    best friend, who still lives back in my home state, has a baby nearly a year old and another on the way. I've only met the kid once since I live on the other side of the country, but love him to death. Occasionally send him things and Skype to watch him eat new foods... silly things like that. I would say that about 2 months before he was born she brought up the idea of godparents, and i honestly have no idea what she said its hard to remember that far back... but it definitely wasn't official or anything... just more like "i think i'd like for you to be the godmother!" or "you guys could be the godparents!" or something. And it was never spoke of again.

    I'm called his "auntie" to him and whenever we reference me in relation to him, and i call him my nephew. I know I have a special place in his life regardless and i know she knows i genuinely love him. Thing is, she posted some pics the other day of her kid and a girl commented "my godson is so cute!" or something like that. I was like... hmmm... but whatever, could just be another informal reference. But then i see in the plethora of pics one of the baby and this girl and it was captioned "i love my godmother!" or whatever. So that would be my friend referencing the girl as that.

    I know the girl is a friend from church who is also married and they met like 2 years ago. So even though I've known my friend for over a decade, this couple is obviously more in their life on a regular basis... go to the same church... and the only couple that my friend and her husband are both friends with. My friend has only met my husband twice actually... and once was at the wedding. When i was dating my DH we were long distance so that's why. And my friend's husband has never met mine. But I've met her husband several times.

    So... all of these factors could be why that's why they chose them. But for some reason i still feel sad. I have no idea if it's just an informal title or what... or even if there can be more than one set of "godparents"... i mean, godparents are the ones that would legally care for the child should the parents die, right? So i would imagine there would only be one set. I never had "godparents" growing up. A part of me wants to inquire about his godparents and their choosing... but a part of me is like i'm not sure what good could come of that... i don't know. I actually have talked to her since I've seen it on facebook and didn't bring it up because i didn't know if i really want to make it a thing, and i really didn't and still don't feel any contempt towards her so it was easy just to casually chat... it's just sadness. Like my importance has been demoted or something, i really don't know I love him like he is my blood nephew. I just want to know what it is that made them choose them over us... that we are far away and not in the kid's daily life, that they don't really know my husband firsthand, or that this couple they both know well and are good friends with even if they haven't known them as long.

    Would you want to ask? I figure since she wrote the caption she knows i could easily see that... i could nonchalantly say something like "oh, so and so is baby's godmother?" or if i would go the less direct way of "you know i love you and baby a lot right? And would do anything for you and him." Or maybe just shut up all together. What would you do? It's eating away at me... but i don't want to risk hurting her feelings, not at all. So i don't know. I just found out, so it's still fresh to me, and i don't want to be rash.
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    #2
    How important godparents are depends on the family. Some people use it as just a fun title, while for others it's a huge, massive, uber big deal. Depends on the family. I see why you feel sad over it, been there. However, I think you should focus on the fact that your friend refers to you as auntie to her kiddo. She has made it clear you are family to her, and sees you as family to her son. If you feel you must discuss this with her (I wouldn't) I would think very carefully how you would phrase things to avoid sounding passive aggressive/jealous.
  3. I Will Rise Above
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    #3
    For us you know pretty clearly if you are the godparent to a child because you stand up during their baptism so there really isn't any question to officialness of the matter. That being said if they attend the same church likely they are the godparents that stood up at the baptism and she could therefor be referring to you guys instead as aunt/uncle. Personally i wouldn't say anything but I am sorry that you are hurt over it. . I would honestly not take it super personal because as you said they still refer to you as aunt and you still have a relationship with the child. I don't know if you are of the same faith as them but if you are not often as far as godparents in the church they are ask to bend the same faith because the thought is not only a guardian should the parents die but someone to help lead the child in their faith as they age.
  4. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Stardust View Post
    How important godparents are depends on the family. Some people use it as just a fun title, while for others it's a huge, massive, uber big deal. Depends on the family. I see why you feel sad over it, been there. However, I think you should focus on the fact that your friend refers to you as auntie to her kiddo. She has made it clear you are family to her, and sees you as family to her son. If you feel you must discuss this with her (I wouldn't) I would think very carefully how you would phrase things to avoid sounding passive aggressive/jealous.

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    #5
    People have different definitions of godparents.

    My mom did have someone try to declare themselves as a godparent to me when I was born, but he never showed up. However, my mom's best friend treated me no different than he did his own children; he baby sit me, picked me up from school when I was sick/took me to doc appointments, he was a huge factor in my life because he was always there, supporting ME.

    If this lady decided (or unofficially decided) that this couple will be the godparents/guardians if something were to happen to her, I would say its a blessing, because now you know your nephew have people who love him just as much as you do and will support him in his years to come.
    Its great to have a network of friends who will love and care for your child if in a dire situation (like a bad car accident..major surgery..illness..etc).
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    #6
    I wouldn't ask. Since she didn't commit to you, I think it would be uncomfortable and kind of presumptuous.

    Maybe her husband wanted someone different and they compromised. There could be tons of reasons.

    Are you the same religion as her?

    Also, no it is not at all accurate that Godparents are the ones who would get custody if the parents die. Some people treat it that way, but certainly not all. "Godparent" is, as the name suggests, a religious title/position. (And maybe they needed or wanted the Godparent to be present at the baptism, which could be another reason you weren't selected, since you don't live near them and might not be of the same faith.) Many, many people select Godparents, who play a religious role (attending the baptism and then possibly assisting with the child's spiritual teachings as they grow up), and then select someone else to be a guardian in the event that is ever needed.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
  7. Pour a little salt, we were never here
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    #7
    It sounds more like she was throwing the idea out before she had thought about, and then she did think about it/discuss with her husband and they chose the other couple. I think you've come up with quite a few good reasons for them to chose the other couple over you, and I would feel satisfied with that personally, so I wouldn't bring it up. For instance, the fact that she doesn't know your husband well, for me would be a big deal. I wouldn't make someone the guardian of my children if I didn't know them well.

    I didn't have godparents, but did have guardians who changed various times throughout my childhood (my parents revised their wills every few years and chose the best guardian for that time frame, based on the guardians life and situation). If they are doing godparent and guardian as one and the same, I would definitely think they would have specifically asked you if it were okay to name you as such in their legal documents. As for if it's just a nice title, I think they're already giving you a title by making you an "aunt". If I were to say anything, I'd inquire as to how they make the decision (never having had any, I'd be honestly curious). My cousins all had godparents, and all I could tell was that it was an excuse for the aunt/uncle to favor that child My parents didn't participate because my dad had left the church, so I was just loved sort of equally with no special gifts for being the god child.
  8. BingBangBoom that's how babies are made
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by alice04 View Post
    so... its one of those situations where I don't know if i should or if i even ever will say anything about this to the person it concerns, so i'll just throw it out here for venting and insight...

    best friend, who still lives back in my home state, has a baby nearly a year old and another on the way. I've only met the kid once since I live on the other side of the country, but love him to death. Occasionally send him things and Skype to watch him eat new foods... silly things like that. I would say that about 2 months before he was born she brought up the idea of godparents, and i honestly have no idea what she said its hard to remember that far back... but it definitely wasn't official or anything... just more like "i think i'd like for you to be the godmother!" or "you guys could be the godparents!" or something. And it was never spoke of again.

    I'm called his "auntie" to him and whenever we reference me in relation to him, and i call him my nephew. I know I have a special place in his life regardless and i know she knows i genuinely love him. Thing is, she posted some pics the other day of her kid and a girl commented "my godson is so cute!" or something like that. I was like... hmmm... but whatever, could just be another informal reference. But then i see in the plethora of pics one of the baby and this girl and it was captioned "i love my godmother!" or whatever. So that would be my friend referencing the girl as that.

    I know the girl is a friend from church who is also married and they met like 2 years ago. So even though I've known my friend for over a decade, this couple is obviously more in their life on a regular basis... go to the same church... and the only couple that my friend and her husband are both friends with. My friend has only met my husband twice actually... and once was at the wedding. When i was dating my DH we were long distance so that's why. And my friend's husband has never met mine. But I've met her husband several times.

    So... all of these factors could be why that's why they chose them. But for some reason i still feel sad. I have no idea if it's just an informal title or what... or even if there can be more than one set of "godparents"... i mean, godparents are the ones that would legally care for the child should the parents die, right? So i would imagine there would only be one set. I never had "godparents" growing up. A part of me wants to inquire about his godparents and their choosing... but a part of me is like i'm not sure what good could come of that... i don't know. I actually have talked to her since I've seen it on facebook and didn't bring it up because i didn't know if i really want to make it a thing, and i really didn't and still don't feel any contempt towards her so it was easy just to casually chat... it's just sadness. Like my importance has been demoted or something, i really don't know I love him like he is my blood nephew. I just want to know what it is that made them choose them over us... that we are far away and not in the kid's daily life, that they don't really know my husband firsthand, or that this couple they both know well and are good friends with even if they haven't known them as long.

    Would you want to ask? I figure since she wrote the caption she knows i could easily see that... i could nonchalantly say something like "oh, so and so is baby's godmother?" or if i would go the less direct way of "you know i love you and baby a lot right? And would do anything for you and him." Or maybe just shut up all together. What would you do? It's eating away at me... but i don't want to risk hurting her feelings, not at all. So i don't know. I just found out, so it's still fresh to me, and i don't want to be rash.
    Not necessarily. It can be whomever the parents write down in their will. My sister & I had different Godparents. If something were to happen to my parents when we were younger, do you really think that they would split us up? No. Godparents have so many different roles. They could be the ones responsible for the child if something were to happen but in many other cases, like mine, they can just be like a few extra family members to be there for you, support you, guide you, love you, ect.

    If this really bothers you, just casually bring it up. I know if it were me, I'd rather know than to always wonder & just assume.

    "Thank you so much. No matter what, nothing is possible without you behind the scenes bustin heads and takin names. Thank you again. Everything you have done for me means a lot and nothing has gone unnoticed. I love you so much and thank you for saying 'I do.'"
  9. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #9
    First off - I understand your hurt feelings. I hate when people say one thing and do another. It doesn't make their decision wrong, but lack of clarity is confusing and results in hurt feelings.

    Secondly - I wouldn't inquire about it. Her answer probably wouldn't change anything for you and it doesn't mean you love her son any less.

    Thirdly- Just because someone is a godparent doesn't necessarily mean that's who the child would go to after a tragedy. For example, my brother and I had different godparents growing up. But if something were to happen to both of my parents, we would have gone to my grandparents. Don't assume that that's definitely the case.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by alice04 View Post
    so... its one of those situations where I don't know if i should or if i even ever will say anything about this to the person it concerns, so i'll just throw it out here for venting and insight...

    best friend, who still lives back in my home state, has a baby nearly a year old and another on the way. I've only met the kid once since I live on the other side of the country, but love him to death. Occasionally send him things and Skype to watch him eat new foods... silly things like that. I would say that about 2 months before he was born she brought up the idea of godparents, and i honestly have no idea what she said its hard to remember that far back... but it definitely wasn't official or anything... just more like "i think i'd like for you to be the godmother!" or "you guys could be the godparents!" or something. And it was never spoke of again.

    I'm called his "auntie" to him and whenever we reference me in relation to him, and i call him my nephew. I know I have a special place in his life regardless and i know she knows i genuinely love him. Thing is, she posted some pics the other day of her kid and a girl commented "my godson is so cute!" or something like that. I was like... hmmm... but whatever, could just be another informal reference. But then i see in the plethora of pics one of the baby and this girl and it was captioned "i love my godmother!" or whatever. So that would be my friend referencing the girl as that.

    I know the girl is a friend from church who is also married and they met like 2 years ago. So even though I've known my friend for over a decade, this couple is obviously more in their life on a regular basis... go to the same church... and the only couple that my friend and her husband are both friends with. My friend has only met my husband twice actually... and once was at the wedding. When i was dating my DH we were long distance so that's why. And my friend's husband has never met mine. But I've met her husband several times.

    So... all of these factors could be why that's why they chose them. But for some reason i still feel sad. I have no idea if it's just an informal title or what... or even if there can be more than one set of "godparents"... i mean, godparents are the ones that would legally care for the child should the parents die, right? So i would imagine there would only be one set. I never had "godparents" growing up. A part of me wants to inquire about his godparents and their choosing... but a part of me is like i'm not sure what good could come of that... i don't know. I actually have talked to her since I've seen it on facebook and didn't bring it up because i didn't know if i really want to make it a thing, and i really didn't and still don't feel any contempt towards her so it was easy just to casually chat... it's just sadness. Like my importance has been demoted or something, i really don't know I love him like he is my blood nephew. I just want to know what it is that made them choose them over us... that we are far away and not in the kid's daily life, that they don't really know my husband firsthand, or that this couple they both know well and are good friends with even if they haven't known them as long.

    Would you want to ask? I figure since she wrote the caption she knows i could easily see that... i could nonchalantly say something like "oh, so and so is baby's godmother?" or if i would go the less direct way of "you know i love you and baby a lot right? And would do anything for you and him." Or maybe just shut up all together. What would you do? It's eating away at me... but i don't want to risk hurting her feelings, not at all. So i don't know. I just found out, so it's still fresh to me, and i don't want to be rash.
    Just to touch on the bolded. No. God parents are the ones that are set to assist the child with it's journey with religion if something happens to the parents. It is nothing official or legal. Because in fact if something happened to the parents and whomever got the child(ren) and they wanted nothing to do with church, religion, god etc, the godparents have no rights or claims on the child. It is strictly just a church thing.
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