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Thread: I'm so lost

  1. Fresh Newbie
    ccann3's Avatar
    ccann3 is offline
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    #1

    I'm so lost

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    This has so many parts to the story that I'm going to try to stick to the basics that are important. During my DH first deployment, I didn't handle things very well and sort of shut down to him. I thought for sure the marriage would be over, but when he got home he was just so happy to see me that everything worked itself out. Since then, things have been great for around 5 years now and we even survived an overseas PCS well, even happily. When we moved to our (I say that loosely since he's never here) current location, which was our 4th move in that 5 years, things haven't been good at all. I don't like the area and am finding it hard to find any friends, even a year later. He had his own reasons for disliking it, namely his current battalion whom he has spent more time with than me in the last 52 weeks. I say this because I think it might be a root of our problems since neither of us is happy individually.

    Since my DH deployed this time, he's been spending kind of outrageously. Much more than if he had been at home, and while I want him to have all he needs I think it's a bit fishy that he's spending within a hundred of me this month. And when I say me, I mean for the bills, groceries for the 3 teens & I, 2 dogs, normal life, etc. I had begun to feel a passive aggressive thing going on last month when he nearly stopped talking with me even though he had no change of location and the spending increased.

    Yesterday, I sent him a short but sweet "heads up" message about the fact that he's about to run out of money because he spent so much this month. This morning, I woke up to a dear jane facebook message. Seriously, who does that as a 30-something man?

    I had been shielding him from my stresses at home because as someone once told me, I shouldn't burden him with things he can't help while he's off at war. Now, I can't help but wonder if he wants to leave me because he's ill informed. I didn't want to sound like a failure by telling him I hadn't even been able to get a job as a cashier. I didn't want to tell him that the Army pushed back my doctor appointment (that he has been wanting me to go to for a long time) when the government shut down because I'm just a dependent. Yet, those are the two things he specifically mentioned in his message. Maybe the shielding thing was bad advice?

    Does anyone have any ideas of how I can approach the subject of trying to wait until we live in the same country again before making drastic decisions? Or does anyone have feelings of whether I might have messed up by shielding him, or maybe he messed up by jumping to conclusions while in a stressful situation? My gut said fight for him when I read the message from him, but so far he's only indicated that he would rather pretend I don't even exist. Now I'm stuck waiting for his night to end to see if I can get any kind of resolution.

    If you made it through all of that probably incoherent posting, you deserve a medal.
  2. Senior Member
    Katarina's Avatar
    Katarina is offline
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    #2
    Girl keep your head up. You are both under TREMENDOUS stress. It will all work out just how its supposed to. I wish I could give you advice and tell you how to fix it all up, but I'm really new to all of this myself, so I'm pretty clueless. But if you ever need someone to talk to you can ALWAYS PM me I really hope it gets better. *hugs*
  3. Senior Member
    Southern-queen's Avatar
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by ccann3 View Post
    This has so many parts to the story that I'm going to try to stick to the basics that are important. During my DH first deployment, I didn't handle things very well and sort of shut down to him. I thought for sure the marriage would be over, but when he got home he was just so happy to see me that everything worked itself out. Since then, things have been great for around 5 years now and we even survived an overseas PCS well, even happily. When we moved to our (I say that loosely since he's never here) current location, which was our 4th move in that 5 years, things haven't been good at all. I don't like the area and am finding it hard to find any friends, even a year later. He had his own reasons for disliking it, namely his current battalion whom he has spent more time with than me in the last 52 weeks. I say this because I think it might be a root of our problems since neither of us is happy individually.

    Since my DH deployed this time, he's been spending kind of outrageously. Much more than if he had been at home, and while I want him to have all he needs I think it's a bit fishy that he's spending within a hundred of me this month. And when I say me, I mean for the bills, groceries for the 3 teens & I, 2 dogs, normal life, etc. I had begun to feel a passive aggressive thing going on last month when he nearly stopped talking with me even though he had no change of location and the spending increased.

    Yesterday, I sent him a short but sweet "heads up" message about the fact that he's about to run out of money because he spent so much this month. This morning, I woke up to a dear jane facebook message. Seriously, who does that as a 30-something man?

    I had been shielding him from my stresses at home because as someone once told me, I shouldn't burden him with things he can't help while he's off at war. Now, I can't help but wonder if he wants to leave me because he's ill informed. I didn't want to sound like a failure by telling him I hadn't even been able to get a job as a cashier. I didn't want to tell him that the Army pushed back my doctor appointment (that he has been wanting me to go to for a long time) when the government shut down because I'm just a dependent. Yet, those are the two things he specifically mentioned in his message. Maybe the shielding thing was bad advice?

    Does anyone have any ideas of how I can approach the subject of trying to wait until we live in the same country again before making drastic decisions? Or does anyone have feelings of whether I might have messed up by shielding him, or maybe he messed up by jumping to conclusions while in a stressful situation? My gut said fight for him when I read the message from him, but so far he's only indicated that he would rather pretend I don't even exist. Now I'm stuck waiting for his night to end to see if I can get any kind of resolution.

    If you made it through all of that probably incoherent posting, you deserve a medal.

    You can NOT not tell your husband things that are happening at home simply because he can't help. Unless you want him to fix everything for you, there is no reason to do that. I mean unless that is how you are when he is at home as well. He is your husband and life partner. You need to keep him informed of things going on at home and if you can solve them you tell him what you did to fix the issue or if it is unsolvable at the moment than you tell him how such is such is happening but right now nothing can be done so you will keep him update on what is going on. Like the medical appt. If you don't tell him that the appt was postponed due to the shutdown he thinks you are just putting it off and don't care about yourself. Or the job....you tell him what you are doing to try to find a job and such and such happened and you heard this or nothing came from that etc.

    Involve him even if he can't do anything. As for his message....while it sucks to have it over email, you need to find out what is going on in his head and why he made that choice.
  4. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Tojai's Avatar
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    #4
    The fact that he left a "dear jane" message on FB and has kind of shut off contact makes me think that he's been pulling away for a while. On the other hand, he also apparently gave you some very specific examples of why he wants to leave so that may be a signal that he's willing to work through the relationship if those issues are addressed.

    I don't think there's a black and white answer to if you messed up by shielding him, it just is what it is - it upset him. You may think of it as shielding, perhaps he saw it as you shutting him out, or not caring about him, etc. The way the OP reads to me is that you were both struggling and instead of leaning on each other you ended up pushing each other away (I'm sorry if that sounds mean, I don't want to be critical and hurt your feelings, just trying to give my take on it).

    Personally I would send him another message, acknowledging what he told you in his "dear jane" and laying out a plan for how you intend to fix the things that bothered him. You can also list what's bothering you and what you would like him to do. I know not all men are the same, but the way that I show DH I care when things are bugging him is to plan and implement a solution and that's what makes him feel the best.

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