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Thread: I can't give up on her

  1. Vandelay Industries
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    #1

    I can't give up on her

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    This is going to be REALLY long. So I won't be offended if you just skim. And bless you if you get through all of it lol.

    So my friend B and I have been inseparable since 5th grade. She has always been my very best friend. Her parents are like my parents and vice versa. I was in her mom's wedding and their family pictures. I lived with her for a bit in high school. You get it...she was closer to me than my own sister for all these years.

    She never really had a boyfriend when we were growing up. I'm not sure why. A little over year ago, she got her first serious boyfriend. I knew I would be seeing her less and I understood that. We would still hang out at least once a week though. He lost his job around the same time that I moved back to Kzoo (about an hour south of our home town) for school. He then moved to Detroit (we are on the west side so about 3-4 hours away from Dtroit) because that is where all of his friends are. She moved back to school too in Lansing (which is halfway between our home town and Detroit, about 2 hours from me). Sorry if that is confusing.

    So all during fall semester last year, she was miserable to be apart from him. I understand long distance can be really tough, but she took it too far. I never saw her because she spent ALL of her money on gas driving from Lansing to Detroit almost every day to be with him. She started skipping class because of the commute from his place. She expressed to me that she no longer cared if she finished her degree...she wanted to live with him and stay at home with him. That scared me. She is SO smart. It has been her dream since we were little to graduate from MSU. I tried for months to guide her...but she didn't listen. She ended up moving in with him in Detroit.

    I told her so many times not to move in with him because I knew she would not go to class. That's like a two hour commute. But she never listened.

    Jump to her birthday this past May. Her original plan was to come to our home town and our whole group of friends from high school would all go out. Then suddenly, her boyfriend is going to throw her a party in Detroit with his friends and she is just going to do that instead. I got into it with him because he has no regard for her wants or her life. He wanted a party in Detroit so that HE could party with HIS friends. I feel that if he truly loved her, he would want her to see all of her friends in her hometown for her own birthday. I couldn't make it all the way there for her party because I had to work. So it was just her, him, and his friends who she has told me on many occasions she does not like. But she just goes with it.

    So now it has been about a year since I've seen her. She is still living with him. When I moved into my new apartment in August, she said she was going to come visit me for the weekend soon. Welp, I still haven't heard from her. So I messaged her today and asked if she was still going to visit soon. Her response was "Well....I want to." Ok.....no idea what that is supposed to mean.

    I realize the door swings both ways. But I have been asking and asking and asking for over a year "Hey are you busy this weekend? Wanna go here with me? Wanna go to this this weekend?" etc. She has not once agreed. It is always some excuse with the boyfriend.

    It hurts so fucking bad. She is a different person. She has none of her own friends left. He does not care about her future, her education, her goals. I miss her so bad. But I'm done wasting my breath. I'm exhausted and I deserve better. She has not been by my side through anything I've went through since she met him. I will always want the best for her though.

    How do I let go? I wish she had never met him. I can't imagine my life without her but I am now realizing I have already lost her.
  2. I just can't even...
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    #2


    I'm sorry you feel that you've lost her. But I think you already know that the only way things will change is if she changes them. With him being her first serious relationship she probably doesn't know that there are men out there who would treat her better and actually encourage her to see her friends and family. But she's in deep it seems.

    Hang in there and try to wait it out and see. Maybe she will have an epiphany and realize she can do better.
  3. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #3
    It almost sounds to me like he's controlling.. Especially by her "well.... I want to." comment most recently. Can you go to visit her? At least to make sure she's okay. The trip from Kzoo to Detroit isn't that bad just one time (I would know I did it about a week ago haha) It sounds like she needs a friend, but is afraid, or unwilling to ask for it. I dunno. I'm almost worried about her.

    I'm kind of curious where you're from (I grew up in Battle Creek, well until I moved to NJ) my cousin graduated from Parchment, and went to Western though.

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    #4
    That's really sad. I don't feel like you have to let her go though, I think especially since he's her first serious relationship, she's bound to be concentrated on that for a while. I wouldn't give up on her just yet.

    I'm on my phone rn and it posted with a really stupid typo so ignore it if you see it
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    #5
    Honestly it is so hard to let go of friends who you have known since you were little, I have been in the same situation but in high school with one of my friends and recently with a couple of other friends of mine, but my DF loved my friends so that sucked for the both of us.

    It honestly just takes time... its probably something you dont want to hear but thats all I can think of to say. Im sorry
  6. Vandelay Industries
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hottie. View Post


    I'm sorry you feel that you've lost her. But I think you already know that the only way things will change is if she changes them. With him being her first serious relationship she probably doesn't know that there are men out there who would treat her better and actually encourage her to see her friends and family. But she's in deep it seems.

    Hang in there and try to wait it out and see. Maybe she will have an epiphany and realize she can do better.
    Exactly. I have just been trying to get through to her for so long...and it goes in one and ear and out the other. It's like she is brainwashed by him.
    Quote Originally Posted by JennyJennJenn View Post
    It almost sounds to me like he's controlling.. Especially by her "well.... I want to." comment most recently. Can you go to visit her? At least to make sure she's okay. The trip from Kzoo to Detroit isn't that bad just one time (I would know I did it about a week ago haha) It sounds like she needs a friend, but is afraid, or unwilling to ask for it. I dunno. I'm almost worried about her.

    I'm kind of curious where you're from (I grew up in Battle Creek, well until I moved to NJ) my cousin graduated from Parchment, and went to Western though.
    I definitely think he is controlling. I'm not sure how bad though because I try to contact her regularly (which is mainly by FB or text message) and I always ask how she is, what's new, etc and she does not say much. She has not shared much with me in regards to their relationship in a long time. And we used to know every single thing about each other. I could keep trying to visit her, but she is always busy. Or at least says she is. And I am uncomfortable around her bf because I want to punch him in the face. She knows I am always here for her and will never judge. Just a couple months ago she called me because her and her boyfriend had a big fight when he was drunk and his friends were over. She was sitting in her car in the parking lot but could not go anywhere because she had been drinking too and didn't want to drive. I would have driven there and gotten her in a heartbeat but I was at work.
    Quote Originally Posted by Heisenberg View Post
    That's really sad. I don't feel like you have to let her go though, I think especially since he's her first serious relationship, she's bound to be concentrated on that for a while. I wouldn't give up on her just yet.

    I'm on my phone rn and it posted with a really stupid typo so ignore it if you see it
    I'm just tired of watching this. I'm tired of this friendship. We don't see each other, we barely talk...I am sick of being hurt by this ya know. I feel there is nothing else I can do until she opens her eyes or they break up or something.

    Quote Originally Posted by ErinElizabeth View Post
    Honestly it is so hard to let go of friends who you have known since you were little, I have been in the same situation but in high school with one of my friends and recently with a couple of other friends of mine, but my DF loved my friends so that sucked for the both of us.

    It honestly just takes time... its probably something you dont want to hear but thats all I can think of to say. Im sorry
    Yeah, I'm going to step back. All I can do is wait I guess.
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    #7
    You kind of have no choice but to wait unless you're ok with losing her forever. I'm going through a similar situation with my best friend, I don't know if you read my bunker thread from last month or not but she's completely changed and her stupid boyfriend is controlling her. I hate watching it but if I say anything it's only going to push her further away.

    It sucks, but they'll probably break up eventually. Unless you want to lose her completely you need to be there for her and remind her in the future not to lose herself to a guy again. And in the meantime maybe you could subtly ask her about her goals, how school is going etc. I know personally I'd feel dumb if someone asked me about my classes and I hadn't actually been going to them. I mean don't berate her or anything but that's motivation for some people.
  8. I just can't even...
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    #8
    I hope she opens her eyes sooner rather than later. It just seems like she thinks his controlling her is how a relationship is supposed to be or her self esteem is so low that she doesn't believe that she can do better.
  9. Vandelay Industries
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    #9
    I just know she is not herself. I know looks are not everything and a lot of girls gain weight when they hit their 20s, but she does not even look the same. From high school til she met him, she has cared about her appearance. If we would go out she always did her hair, makeup, dressed cute, etc. Now she does not have once picture in the last year without a sweatshirt on, she never wears makeup or does her hair anymore, and I can tell she has gained a lot of weight.

    I have tried and tried to get her to meet up with me and get her away from him for at least an evening once in a while. But its like she cannot stand being apart from him for even an hour. I don't think it's healthy. But as much as I pry for information (without trying to obviously pry) she literally tells me nothing about their relationship. Except the incident with their fight a little bit ago. He has changed her for the worst. And she is so important to me that that literally makes me sick to my stomach. I have wasted so much energy on this.

    I just cannot get through to her. I have tried everything
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by augusta View Post
    I just know she is not herself. I know looks are not everything and a lot of girls gain weight when they hit their 20s, but she does not even look the same. From high school til she met him, she has cared about her appearance. If we would go out she always did her hair, makeup, dressed cute, etc. Now she does not have once picture in the last year without a sweatshirt on, she never wears makeup or does her hair anymore, and I can tell she has gained a lot of weight.

    I have tried and tried to get her to meet up with me and get her away from him for at least an evening once in a while. But its like she cannot stand being apart from him for even an hour. I don't think it's healthy. But as much as I pry for information (without trying to obviously pry) she literally tells me nothing about their relationship. Except the incident with their fight a little bit ago. He has changed her for the worst. And she is so important to me that that literally makes me sick to my stomach. I have wasted so much energy on this.

    I just cannot get through to her. I have tried everything
    Are you suspicious that hes abusive or actually harming her, or do you just not like that you're not as high on her priority list and she's losing sight of her goals?

    I'm not asking that to be rude, but it does make a difference.
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