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Thread: how the eff do you bloom where you are planted...

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    #1

    how the eff do you bloom where you are planted...

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    ugh. could put this in venting, but I am open to advice and tough love which I know you ladies love to give, so I am posting here. I'm sure I've posted before alluding to how somewhat difficult it has been for me since moving here. I made myself do as much effort as I was comfortable with when I first moved here. Didn't glean much reward. But in this last year I have pushed myself even more than I ever normally would to take advantage of opportunities and try to make the best of it. So, things I have done: been going to school (finish this spring), volunteered for a while at a library then a few months ago an opportunity came out of no where for me to work part time in a temporary position so I took it. Even though we don't really need it, it feels good to make some money. I was hesitant about working and going to school, but I thought hey it's part time and temporary so why not? I don't hate it, the people are nice and it's fairly easy work. But... it's also fairly boring. I'm definitely sticking with it until it's over though.

    I don't want to repeat things I have posted about before, but basically have been excluded from the "unit wives club" for being the only one without kids. I went to every single function that first summer we arrived here. The one person I clicked with her husband ending up not staying at this unit (of course). Then my DH and I went to what we thought was a marriage retreat that turned into a family oriented thing that had activities we couldn't participate in (pretty sure I vented about that too...) and it was this whole debacle. Then i'd see the only get togethers they would have would be playdates, so finally I went to one just to say I tried and to socialize even though I didn't have a kid (hey! you never know, right?) and basically was met with "well, this must be awkward for you." Was made to feel very unwelcome.

    I had in the very beginning met a fellow military wife who was not associated with my DH's unit, her husband was army, and we hit it off but she lived I think like an hour away? So we didn't get together much. Anyways they ended up moving long ago. Then more recently i met another military wife who lived down the street from me randomly one day and we talked, but didn't get together until a month later and then found out we had a lot in common (and she had 2 kids! i really don't mind being friends with people with kids, it just seems most of the time they have a problem with me...) and hung out every week until... yep, you guessed it. They PCSed another month later. So i had barely one month of friendship Now i'm alone again

    I live in the middle of no where. There's not a whole lot to do in this immediate vicinity. I don't like driving for hours away on the reg alone. I feel like my life is revolving more around my husband because things are more fun when he is around... and i have like no life when he is gone I have really really good friends, but they don't live here... they live all over the country. This deployment i went to visit some, and then some came to visit me and i loved it. But then my life goes back to normal and i feel like there's not much to enjoy here. Even when my husband is home we struggle to find things to do because he works so much and most of the activities are day trips and just don't happen a lot because there isn't time because of his schedule. You can only go bowling and to the local zoo so many times as non-parents We occasionally drive out to the beach or the mountains for a weekend but you can't do that all the time. Just like i can't fly to see my friends all the time.

    basically, i feel like the more i try to branch out the more i dislike it here... i don't like that i feel that way though. I just constantly feel like i can't wait to move. Or that my social life can't start in a small town/military setting until i have kids. Gah. i wrote way too much i know, but i just wanted to get it all out there and if anyone feels like reading and can tell me what the eff else i can try please feel free. I feel like my only good friends are voices over the phone, and my only socializing is working and listening to professors. I don't do the bar scene. I've tried the meet up site and there seriously is nothing for my little town or an hour radius. boooooooooooooo. Thanks for reading my novel. I just want to bloom where i am planted what am i doing wronggggg
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    #2
    No advice. Just lots of I think you are doing great for what you've been given. Dont give up hope dear. I really hope you can find friends nearby.

    “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
    ― Rose Kennedy
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    I just want to say, I totally get how you feel.

    I am terrified when DH leaves for deployment, that other than work, I won't have anyone to hang out with. I admit that I haven't really tried mingling with wives from DHs det, because the one time they had a det cookout I felt totally awkward for not having kids and alone. It was so painfully awkward, that now when DH asks if I want to go to a det function I don't even try and get off work.

    Have you tried joining a club at school? I know you are graduating in may, but joining clubs related to your major is really great. I made some of my best friends that way.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lost&faraway View Post
    No advice. Just lots of I think you are doing great for what you've been given. Dont give up hope dear. I really hope you can find friends nearby.
    Quote Originally Posted by Amanduh View Post
    I just want to say, I totally get how you feel.

    I am terrified when DH leaves for deployment, that other than work, I won't have anyone to hang out with. I admit that I haven't really tried mingling with wives from DHs det, because the one time they had a det cookout I felt totally awkward for not having kids and alone. It was so painfully awkward, that now when DH asks if I want to go to a det function I don't even try and get off work.

    Have you tried joining a club at school? I know you are graduating in may, but joining clubs related to your major is really great. I made some of my best friends that way.
    thank you both

    And school. Yes, that is something i haven't really tried i suppose. But i guess it's mostly because i am older now and most of the people i attend classes with are 6-7 years younger than me and so i don't really think of it as a place to socialize like i did when i was younger. I went to college straight out of high school and lived in the dorms and had my hay day then and loved it. Now years later i am finishing my degree and my major classes are mostly lecture based, i don't really have "group work" type classes anymore. and i like it that way I kind of view school as a place i go to for a couple hours a day, sometimes less, do what i gotta do and go home. Plus my field doesn't really yield any clubs, so it'd be more the generic type clubs at my disposal... i don't know. I might look into it though, thanks

    I've lived here for a few years now so i feel like everything is so set in stone for some reason. Like i can't blame it on "oh, give it time." Because it's been a freaking long time...
  5. Pour a little salt, we were never here
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    #5
    I wish youlived near me! I think we could be good friends I had a similar experience in that the more I tried, the more I felt alone and sad. I kind of gave up on trying to be involve and I am really happier. I still do things, like school and I enjoy wheni have friendly experience s but I do t seek them out or count on them. I count on my dogs, my house, my dh ( when available), but not fitting in with peers, that just didnt work for me (military or no the nokid thing can cause a big rif)
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    #6
    Honestly, for me its always been about finding a job to keep myself busy. Sometimes you have to branch out into the community in general, not just the military community. I have friends who are wives of Marines in my hubby's unit, but most of my friends are people from work who have absolutely zero relation to the USMC or military in general.

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    #7
    What about trying something new. Is there a craft shop on base? It is a great place to learn new skills and find other wives who are looking for people to socialize with. Some of the classes you may find are ceramics, painting, scrapbooking, woodworking, picture framing, stain glass, photography. Each place focuses on different things.

    You can see if they need help at the Lending Closet and spend some time there helping new families/wives. you may even find a friend that way.

    Join a book club, photography club, bird watching club, knitting/crocheting, quilting club there could be someone you click with there as well
    http://militarysos.com/forum/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=8121&dateline=1213248817 TAKEN AT NISQUALLY WILDLIFE PRESERVE
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    Quote Originally Posted by [his] lobster View Post
    I wish youlived near me! I think we could be good friends I had a similar experience in that the more I tried, the more I felt alone and sad. I kind of gave up on trying to be involve and I am really happier. I still do things, like school and I enjoy wheni have friendly experience s but I do t seek them out or count on them. I count on my dogs, my house, my dh ( when available), but not fitting in with peers, that just didnt work for me (military or no the nokid thing can cause a big rif)
    right? i feel like i read quite often on this forum of people who feel similarly, and i'm always like how come these people never exist where i am? if only one of you lived near me we'd be BFFs But for some odd reason the universe scatters us. Booo.

    Quote Originally Posted by sweetvanity View Post
    Honestly, for me its always been about finding a job to keep myself busy. Sometimes you have to branch out into the community in general, not just the military community. I have friends who are wives of Marines in my hubby's unit, but most of my friends are people from work who have absolutely zero relation to the USMC or military in general.
    I actually didn't mean for the 2 girls outside of my DH's unit that i met to be military, it wasn't why i sought them out. It just was a random coincidence that they happened to be army wives! I met one in my neighborhood and one at a non-military function. Just pure chance. Kind of strange!

    Quote Originally Posted by kaaau View Post
    What about trying something new. Is there a craft shop on base? It is a great place to learn new skills and find other wives who are looking for people to socialize with. Some of the classes you may find are ceramics, painting, scrapbooking, woodworking, picture framing, stain glass, photography. Each place focuses on different things.

    You can see if they need help at the Lending Closet and spend some time there helping new families/wives. you may even find a friend that way.

    Join a book club, photography club, bird watching club, knitting/crocheting, quilting club there could be someone you click with there as well
    i probably could make more of an effort to do that, you are right I guess it's mainly because i don't live on base and it'd be a good 45 minute drive to get to where such things would be happening on base and that doesn't thrill me because i think in my head that's like nearly 2 hours of driving total every time i'd want to do that plus the time it takes to participate in whatever it is i choose... i don't know. Excuses excuses, i know. It's one of the reasons i am not familiar with the base at all, I've been there maybe 5 times total. I hate driving long distances. All of the unit lives in this general area off base, but the only organized activities they have are the playdates which i awkwardly attended once.
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    #9
    I didn't realize you lived so far from base. Perhaps there are some similar activities closer to the town you live in.
    http://militarysos.com/forum/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=8121&dateline=1213248817 TAKEN AT NISQUALLY WILDLIFE PRESERVE
  10. "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
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    #10
    Maybe instead of trying to find friends, find things that you can do alone to keep you busy. Or, maybe find that one friend that you can go out with from time to time.

    For me, I always ended up finding one or two friends at either the end of our own tour and we PCS'd or the end of theirs. Even while being here, it wasn't until I'd been her for 5 years did I finally meet friends that I am able to go do things with. Up until that point, the first 5 years, I did nothing but work, and go home and just hang out with my own kids.

    If you find a hobby or something that you enjoy doing that can keep you busy, that will help you with future PCS's, you can always fall back and rely on that if you find yourself lonely or bored.

    It takes time, a year isn't very long. As I mentioned, it would take me about 2- 2 1/2 years before I finally was able to make solid friends, then we would PCS. A year seems like a long time, but in my experience, it isn't.

    I'm sorry those women make you feel unwelcome because you do not have any children. Have you tried to befriend couples or women with older children? I found that those of us with older children (in which we can leave them home alone or to babysit younger ones) I clicked with better because then our lives aren't 100% focused on the children, meaning, there is no babysitter that is needed, so the opportunity to go out is easier.

    I have friends that range in age from 23-70. My closest friends are about 10 years younger than me, a couple with no children, one with young children and a couple others with children same age as my own. Oh, and 95% of my friends are not military. I have very few military friends. I have found I just mesh better with civilian friends.

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
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