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Thread: Feeling neglected. Help!

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Feeling neglected. Help!

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    So I've been with my SO for a month and a half, but I've known him for a total of 5 months. It's been completely long distance the whole time because we met through a friend who thought it'd be a great a idea to pair us up -_- It began just talking, but the more we talked, I guess the feelings grew. I've visited him a couple times already and it definitely confirmed my feelings for him. I don't know how the military works because I've never been with someone who's a soldier, so I don't know just how busy and demanding the job is. He's also a very independent person. This past week, he doesn't text until later on in the day when he has to go to bed, but it's just one text. He usually initiates conversations at around the same time early in the day, but I feel as though I've been doing all the initiating lately. Or maybe I'm just expecting what I'm used to? On top of working his usual hours, he had to work a weekend shift thursday-sunday. He's always tired and he told me that he's been stressed from work. He's tried calling during those weekend shifts, but it sounds like he's treating it like it's a chore and that he seems like he's too busy nowadays. We haven't had a regular conversation like we used to and we haven't skyped, but we snapchat. He also doesn't tell me about his day like he used to. When I told him about it, he said that I have to be more independent, that he can't always be there, that he's trying, and that he's tired and stressed. I also did the worst thing possible and asked if he still wanted to be with me and he reacted negatively and said "where is this all coming from?!" We got into a fight about it and he said he wants to be with me. Is this normal? Do they really get that busy? I've been feeling neglected and when I told him, he said he was sorry and that he can see why I've been feeling that way. Nothing has changed and I feel like he's losing interest. Am I overreacting? Should I just wait for him to start initiating like normal? Or should I give up?

    Help...
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    #2
    yes, they can be extremely busy. It could be others things i suppose, you never know. But as long as he is still contacting you and telling you why he's stressed i wouldn't worry too much. Did you tell him you weren't doubting his feelings, but just felt that that you were kind of drifting apart with the lack of communication? You say the past week, so it has only been a week of the lessened contact? I wouldn't sweat a week. But if it continues to be where you rarely talk and he only gets angry when you express your feelings, i'd consider reevaluating. But for now, he really could just be swamped with work and crazy hours.

    The more i think about it, the more i am grateful that i was in the place of life that i was when i first met DH... looking back he was always busy, had crazy hours, was always sleepy and sometimes there were just short spurts of contact. We were also long distance. I remember being on msn messenger (texting wasn't as big then ) and he'd message something i'd message back and then he'd disappear for hours, either fell asleep, got distracted or had to go do something for work. But i was at college in the dorms and had my crazy friends and was so distracted that it didn't really bother me much... i think it would have in any other situation, though I wasn't familiar with anything military either then, but i guess i just wasn't too dependent on him quite yet.
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    #3
    I know it can be stressful when you feel your SO "pulling away". I don't know the whole story but based on this post I feel like you're probably overreacting. If I were you, I'd take a step back and give him his space and just listen when he says he wants to be with you and try to focus on that instead of thinking the worst. You guys haven't been together very long so if you become too insecure that may end up running your relationship into the ground. I know it can be tough!
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by sighihateldr View Post
    So I've been with my SO for a month and a half, but I've known him for a total of 5 months. It's been completely long distance the whole time because we met through a friend who thought it'd be a great a idea to pair us up -_- It began just talking, but the more we talked, I guess the feelings grew. I've visited him a couple times already and it definitely confirmed my feelings for him. I don't know how the military works because I've never been with someone who's a soldier, so I don't know just how busy and demanding the job is. He's also a very independent person. This past week, he doesn't text until later on in the day when he has to go to bed, but it's just one text. He usually initiates conversations at around the same time early in the day, but I feel as though I've been doing all the initiating lately. Or maybe I'm just expecting what I'm used to? On top of working his usual hours, he had to work a weekend shift thursday-sunday. He's always tired and he told me that he's been stressed from work. He's tried calling during those weekend shifts, but it sounds like he's treating it like it's a chore and that he seems like he's too busy nowadays. We haven't had a regular conversation like we used to and we haven't skyped, but we snapchat. He also doesn't tell me about his day like he used to. When I told him about it, he said that I have to be more independent, that he can't always be there, that he's trying, and that he's tired and stressed. I also did the worst thing possible and asked if he still wanted to be with me and he reacted negatively and said "where is this all coming from?!" We got into a fight about it and he said he wants to be with me. Is this normal? Do they really get that busy? I've been feeling neglected and when I told him, he said he was sorry and that he can see why I've been feeling that way. Nothing has changed and I feel like he's losing interest. Am I overreacting? Should I just wait for him to start initiating like normal? Or should I give up?

    Help...
    Yes the hours they work are not always "regular". It can be both physically and mentally draining. It is exhausting work/ You say that he has tried to call even when he is tasked with weekend duty. Depending on what his "group" is tasked with they can be busy, very busy or even extremely busy and there is no rhyme or reason.

    They can work regular hours, odd hours or very long hours. This is unlike any job or position working for anyone else. I think you are overreacting and need to understand that this relationship will be unlike any other relationship you have had. It can have highs and lows, frustrations and joys, at times you will feel neglected and other times things are great.

    Since it has been such a short time that you have been together it is hard to say if he is having difficulty with maintaining the relationship or it is a relationship he wants to continue pursuing only you and time will tell.

    If the uncertainty is not something you are willing to work through and you want a relationship that is more "normal" then I would let this young man know that you are having difficulties with this type of relationship and although you like him, it is not something you wish to pursue at this time.

    Only you can know if this is something you want to continue pursuing, knowing if you do that this is the way that your time with him may be.

    Good luck to you.
    http://militarysos.com/forum/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=8121&dateline=1213248817 TAKEN AT NISQUALLY WILDLIFE PRESERVE
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    #5
    Yes, they can get busy. When I first started dating DB I was wondering why he doesn't text much. I'm a huge texter and I had to realize he isn't he doesn't check his phone for an hour, sometimes longer when he's at work. Sometimes he'd fall asleep at night without texting me (we live 2 hours apart). Doesn't mean he's neglecting me, or doesn't care. You guys haven't been together long, you are still feeling each other out, getting to know each other. What helped with me was to just be open with him him. I told him it would really mean a lot to me if he texted me more, tell me when he's going to bed or let me know when he's going to be busy so I know to not expect a text. And he does. He won't know what you need and expect from him unless you tell him.
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    #6
    When DH and I were long distance, there would be times when we would talk a lot, then days or even a week or two of minimal contact. Work hours can change in an instant, they could be made to stay longer at work, some units might ban cell phone use while at work, the list can go on. I know when DH was working very long days, he would only send a text or two to let me know he was ok and that was it. It's difficult to adapt too when you at used to frequent texts but I wouldn't worry at this point. It's been a week or so from your posts.


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    #7
    Thank you for the advice everyone! I really appreciate it.

    This week, I'm trying to give him his space and not bring up the issue at all because we've already talked about it on Monday. I kind of went overboard last week and became overtly clingy and I don't think he deserved any of it. I also don't know if that fiasco of mine scared him a little and is making him regress because he's had problems with past gfs doing that and he told me that he doesn't like it. I don't want to lose his trust because of that. When we first started talking up until we met, I was fine with his independence and knew that he wasn't much of a texter or phone person. It wasn't until I met him that, I guess, made me miss him to the point where I'm over thinking how much he's communicating. He has told me that just because he doesn't text me for a day or can't reply quickly, it doesn't mean that he cares less or that he's less invested, he's just busy. I know he's busy and I just hate that word because my ex would do that and it turned out he was cheating. That's the only reason why I'm thinking this way. I kind of got screwed over with that relationship and it still, to this day, skews my views on men and relationships. Idk.

    It's really helpful that you all tell me this because it gives me a better perspective of what they go through on a day to day basis. I wish he were more open about this so that I'd understand him better, but he doesn't like to talk about his job much and would rather change the subject to something else. Sigh...
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by kaaau View Post
    Yes the hours they work are not always "regular". It can be both physically and mentally draining. It is exhausting work/ You say that he has tried to call even when he is tasked with weekend duty. Depending on what his "group" is tasked with they can be busy, very busy or even extremely busy and there is no rhyme or reason.

    They can work regular hours, odd hours or very long hours. This is unlike any job or position working for anyone else. I think you are overreacting and need to understand that this relationship will be unlike any other relationship you have had. It can have highs and lows, frustrations and joys, at times you will feel neglected and other times things are great.

    Since it has been such a short time that you have been together it is hard to say if he is having difficulty with maintaining the relationship or it is a relationship he wants to continue pursuing only you and time will tell.

    If the uncertainty is not something you are willing to work through and you want a relationship that is more "normal" then I would let this young man know that you are having difficulties with this type of relationship and although you like him, it is not something you wish to pursue at this time.


    Only you can know if this is something you want to continue pursuing, knowing if you do that this is the way that your time with him may be.

    Good luck to you.
    ditto especially with the bolded.

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