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Thread: Questioning everything

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    #1

    Questioning everything

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    After my Aunts death I find myself questioning everything and overall extremely insecure.

    I don't know what is with me. But I think it has to do with the idea that after my Dad's death, DH and I almost divorced and I saw my brother divorce his wife all within a year of his death.

    So now that I've lost my Aunt, I keep thinking my husband is going to leave, be unfaithful, whatever. That I will lose him too. All irrational thoughts in the sense that he has given me no reason to worry.... But because we are geo-bacheloring I feel completely vulnerable. It's amazing how the mind will play tricks on you. Ask me a month ago and I was happy as a clam, no worries in the world. The only thing that has changed is that my mother figure died.

    I don't know what to do though. I worry if I really voice my insecurities that I'll drive DH away and I'm not sure who else to talk to. Not sure if I should just keep trying to tell myself that DH and I almost divorcing shortly after my Dad passed was coincidence, but that my brother divorced his wife is also weird too. That a divorce is not because someone died but because of underlying relationship issues that a stressful period highlights.

    I'm just not too sure how to cope with this in the meantime. Any thoughts, words of advice would be appreciated cause I hate how my mind is playing tricks on me like this. I told DH that my Aunt was one of the foundational pillars of my life and right now I'm struggling to find my footing again after losing such an important piece of me & I am questioning everything about my life right now.

    Just not sure how to deal with all this and when I will find my new normal again.
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    I worry if I really voice my insecurities that I'll drive DH away and I'm not sure who else to talk to.
    That really struck me because, imo, if that was the case then there are some serious issues in the relationship because simply voicing a concern shouldn't equate leaving the relationship all things being happy and healthy....have the underlying issues that were in play during the previous incident been resolved between the two of you?
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZivaD View Post



    That really struck me because, imo, if that was the case then there are some serious issues in the relationship because simply voicing a concern shouldn't equate leaving the relationship all things being happy and healthy....have the underlying issues that were in play during the previous incident been resolved between the two of you?
    Yeah, they were resolved. And having you put that into words made me realize just voicing the concern isn't what I was afraid of... It was the idea that I would become too emotionally needy or clingy in the search for reassurance that I'd drive him away. I had a tendency in the past to look for problems when they weren't there, he'd reassure me, but it wouldn't be enough so I was driving him away that way vs dealing with my own insecurities. That's probably what I'm really afraid of... I know right now I'm very insecure. Grant it, I have a few years and self awareness on my side now
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    #4
    Have you ever done any personal counseling before? Would you be open to doing so now?
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    I think questioning things can be good if you change the context.

    Instead of worrying about what might happen between the two of you ask yourself (or others) what you can do to build the bond you already have. There are reasons you are together in the first place and you should try to remember what they are and work on growing them.

    There are a lot of spouses / significant others who worry so much that their relationship won't work for one reason or another and it's really counterproductive. A lot of relationships fail through the idea of self-fulfilling prophecy. Basically when you focus so much on the bad things that could happen or may be looming just around the corner, those things tend to manifest into reality.

    To make self-fulfilling prophecy work for us we need to constantly be focusing on the good in our relationships and working every day to make it a reality. It may sound silly but growing a relationship is just like growing a plant or anything else. It takes effort and daily maintenance or it will wilt away.
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZivaD View Post
    Have you ever done any personal counseling before? Would you be open to doing so now?
    Yes, have definitely done counseling in the past but I wouldn't say I'm even near as bad as I used to be. Then there is the time issue. No time and to be honest, with as much self help as I've done in the past... That is what really did more help for me than counseling ever did, so I may just need to find a good book or something to help me process these thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by SinisterLex View Post
    I think questioning things can be good if you change the context.

    Instead of worrying about what might happen between the two of you ask yourself (or others) what you can do to build the bond you already have. There are reasons you are together in the first place and you should try to remember what they are and work on growing them.

    There are a lot of spouses / significant others who worry so much that their relationship won't work for one reason or another and it's really counterproductive. A lot of relationships fail through the idea of self-fulfilling prophecy. Basically when you focus so much on the bad things that could happen or may be looming just around the corner, those things tend to manifest into reality.

    To make self-fulfilling prophecy work for us we need to constantly be focusing on the good in our relationships and working every day to make it a reality. It may sound silly but growing a relationship is just like growing a plant or anything else. It takes effort and daily maintenance or it will wilt away.
    Very true. I felt better after I talked to my DH tonight. He hadn't responded to my email that I reached out to him for but he was attentive to tell me why... Which was a good reason. I know it'll probably take me awhile to get my thoughts in order and I told him to just bear with me. But there were other aspects of the conversation that made me realize 'Yeah, it's crazy to be insecure' cause he was talking to me about something completely separate and about his plan on how he would make sure the kids and I were taken care of in an emergency. When he told me I just thought... Yeah, a man who does not have his family as the top priority would not be thinking about that type of stuff to the detail he has.

    And I have to smile about that. Had anything happened to DH and I while my Dad and Aunt were alive, I'd have never heard the end of it. They always liked him and I think it is cause they knew he would always take care of me without being a doormat either.

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