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Thread: My boyfriend isn't adjusting well to Army life.

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    My boyfriend isn't adjusting well to Army life.

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    My boyfriend is currently stationed in Hawaii, he just arrived there at the end of July after finishing training. He hasn't done the best job at adjusting to the Army life. He is a cook and gets thrown a lot of really long really crappy shifts, sometimes working 14 hours a day, several times a week. He had gotten into some trouble during AIT and almost got kicked out. Now he's having trouble passing his PT test. He also hasn't made a lot of really close friends in Hawaii. From what he's told me they pretty just use him because he has a car. And recently he just hasn't seemed himself. He gets frustrated a lot. He sometimes lashes out. Not at me, yet, but he has gotten angry at his best friend and he always feels so guilty when he tells me about it. Joining the Army was not really his choice, more of an ultimatum his mother gave him, and now its not being kind to him. I guess what I'm asking for is how do I help him? He really wants to come home but I know thats not an option leaving the military is not something thats easily done before your time is up. I'm so far away and I'm not sure how to help at all. I feel kinda lost and I feel like I'm not doing a good job of being a girlfriend and support system because I'm at a loss of what to do. Any words of advice are appreciated! Thank you!
  2. The army may have my man, but I have his heart.
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    First of all welcome! You may want to start by posting in the newbie section of the forum.
    I think all you can do is be there for him, let him vent to you, and try to remind him that things will get better in due time. It takes time to adjust to new environment. Hope things work out for both of you.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by KayJo View Post
    My boyfriend is currently stationed in Hawaii, he just arrived there at the end of July after finishing training. He hasn't done the best job at adjusting to the Army life. He is a cook and gets thrown a lot of really long really crappy shifts, sometimes working 14 hours a day, several times a week. He had gotten into some trouble during AIT and almost got kicked out. Now he's having trouble passing his PT test. He also hasn't made a lot of really close friends in Hawaii. From what he's told me they pretty just use him because he has a car. And recently he just hasn't seemed himself. He gets frustrated a lot. He sometimes lashes out. Not at me, yet, but he has gotten angry at his best friend and he always feels so guilty when he tells me about it. Joining the Army was not really his choice, more of an ultimatum his mother gave him, and now its not being kind to him. I guess what I'm asking for is how do I help him? He really wants to come home but I know thats not an option leaving the military is not something thats easily done before your time is up. I'm so far away and I'm not sure how to help at all. I feel kinda lost and I feel like I'm not doing a good job of being a girlfriend and support system because I'm at a loss of what to do. Any words of advice are appreciated! Thank you!



    sadly there is nothing you can do because of the bolded. It sounds like he is there "because someone else forced him" and its putting a damper on the mood. . No one is ever really happy being forced into anything, espically something as big of a commitment as the army


    I hope things get better
    rocket_liz is my wifey
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by KayJo View Post
    My boyfriend is currently stationed in Hawaii, he just arrived there at the end of July after finishing training. He hasn't done the best job at adjusting to the Army life. He is a cook and gets thrown a lot of really long really crappy shifts, sometimes working 14 hours a day, several times a week. He had gotten into some trouble during AIT and almost got kicked out. Now he's having trouble passing his PT test. He also hasn't made a lot of really close friends in Hawaii. From what he's told me they pretty just use him because he has a car. And recently he just hasn't seemed himself. He gets frustrated a lot. He sometimes lashes out. Not at me, yet, but he has gotten angry at his best friend and he always feels so guilty when he tells me about it. Joining the Army was not really his choice, more of an ultimatum his mother gave him, and now its not being kind to him. I guess what I'm asking for is how do I help him? He really wants to come home but I know thats not an option leaving the military is not something thats easily done before your time is up. I'm so far away and I'm not sure how to help at all. I feel kinda lost and I feel like I'm not doing a good job of being a girlfriend and support system because I'm at a loss of what to do. Any words of advice are appreciated! Thank you!
    You can help him by being there to listen and encouraging him to seek help through the appropriate channels for the various issues he is dealing with right now. It sounds like he is in a stage right now where everything is happening *to* him and he is unable to see or take responsibility for his own choices. I understand that you/he feel that he was "forced" to join by his mother, but even that was a choice that he ultimately made. Until he is able to accept his own role in his life and accept that he has made choices/taken actions that have lead him to where he is he will continue to feel powerless and frustrated by his situation.
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    #5
    I would tell him to stop focusing on how much he hates his job, and start focusing on HI.
    tell him to get off the base, learn to Surf, go Hiking, go snorkeling, learn how to scuba dive.

    tell him to stop hanging out with jerks and even if means going alone to do things.

    tell him to go to the movies, to go to the Mall, to try new foods and have a Hawaiian Ice at sunset on the beach.

    encourage him to tell you all the great things he can do there.
    when one changes their outlook on life, their outlook on life changes
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    #6
    I don't think there is much you can do other than try to be as supportive as possible. You can remind him that the chaplain is there to talk to him if he needs it and that there is an end date to all of this. Sometimes unfortunately there isn't a whole lot you can do. You can't make him happy if he's determined to be unhappy. If he keeps failing his PT tests he'll more than likely be out sooner rather than later, but I would not recommend him to do it on purpose.

    He can blame his mother all he wants but he was an adult and he made the choice to ship out.
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    #7
    As others have said, all you can do is let him know you are there for him

    If you think it would help, rather than just add more pressure, you could also let him know that if he does things that put him at risk of being kicked out, he might find himself very quickly quickly without a job in a job market that sucks, so he needs to think carefully about whether he's prepared for that. For some people, being reminded of that reality might help. For others, it would feel like additional pressure, so you have to make a call based on what you know of him.

    He's an adult. He made a decision. Even if that decision was to do something because he couldn't stand up to his mom, he made the decision. This is not her fault and neither you nor your DB do him any favors if you try to place some of the blame for this on mom. He needs to own his decision and the hand he had in choosing this life path, so he can get over that and start dealing with reality, and maybe learn a great lesson about choices for next time a similar issue comes up.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #8
    All you can really do is just be supportive. There is so much to do in Hawaii! He should be out learning to surf and going on amazing hikes! I would also encourage him to maybe workout more and take better care of himself if he is having problems passing his PT test, because in the long run that will just end up making him more unhappy/stressed. Nip it in the butt now. It also sounds like he is just feeling sorry for himself, better friends would probably fix this situation. Good luck!


    "May you never go to hell, but always be on your way."
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by gunsgirl View Post
    I would tell him to stop focusing on how much he hates his job, and start focusing on HI.
    tell him to get off the base, learn to Surf, go Hiking, go snorkeling, learn how to scuba dive.

    tell him to stop hanging out with jerks and even if means going alone to do things.

    tell him to go to the movies, to go to the Mall, to try new foods and have a Hawaiian Ice at sunset on the beach.

    encourage him to tell you all the great things he can do there.
    when one changes their outlook on life, their outlook on life changes
    This. The years go by so quickly. If he just does his time and gets out honorably there could be much better job options out there with the military experience he has.
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    #10
    If his mother gave him an ultimatum, he may have a motivation issue which is often a depression issue. Not always, but it can be. I would suggest he talk with a chaplain (he doesn't need to be religious) and seeing if he can get to feeling better on all levels, which will help him feel more motivated.
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