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Thread: Please Help, Need Advice!!

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    #1

    Please Help, Need Advice!!

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    My fiance is stationed at Fort Bragg. He deployed last year and will be back the end of next month. During the year he's been deployed a lot of good things have happened for me, one was a huge promotion at work. I was able to move into a nicer apartment and purchase a new car. The main issue we have right now is me relocating to Fayetteville when he returns. No offense to anyone who lives there but I am not a fan of the area and have looked for jobs in my field close to Bragg and have been unsuccessful finding something that pays close to what I am making now. Before he left I visited him on the weekends and a few days during the week occasionally. While I am open to continuing that arrangement until I find something, for him its not an option, as his wife he wants me where he is and for the most part I understand how he feels. I guess I am really worried because i'm used to doing for myself, the thought of staying home while he works bothers me. I can't imagine not working and contributing especially with a new car to pay for. Where I live now is an hour and a half away from Fayetteville, I thought about driving back and forth to work from there but I don't think i'll be able to handle that kind of drive everyday. He is worth me giving up my job and relocating but I really don't want to. I just want to know how to cope with the decision I have to make without feeling any regrets.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated, how do you adjust to giving up good jobs and family/friends to be with your spouse?
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by ILuvMeSumHim View Post
    My fiance is stationed at Fort Bragg. He deployed last year and will be back the end of next month. During the year he's been deployed a lot of good things have happened for me, one was a huge promotion at work. I was able to move into a nicer apartment and purchase a new car. The main issue we have right now is me relocating to Fayetteville when he returns. No offense to anyone who lives there but I am not a fan of the area and have looked for jobs in my field close to Bragg and have been unsuccessful finding something that pays close to what I am making now. Before he left I visited him on the weekends and a few days during the week occasionally. While I am open to continuing that arrangement until I find something, for him its not an option, as his wife he wants me where he is and for the most part I understand how he feels. I guess I am really worried because i'm used to doing for myself, the thought of staying home while he works bothers me. I can't imagine not working and contributing especially with a new car to pay for. Where I live now is an hour and a half away from Fayetteville, I thought about driving back and forth to work from there but I don't think i'll be able to handle that kind of drive everyday. He is worth me giving up my job and relocating but I really don't want to. I just want to know how to cope with the decision I have to make without feeling any regrets.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated, how do you adjust to giving up good jobs and family/friends to be with your spouse?
    First, I would be hesitant to live in Fayetteville as well. It is nicknamed Fayettenam for a reason in the AF.

    Second....if you marry him you should live with your husband if at all possible. How far away is where you live and where he lives? Can he move into your apartment? Can you move to a location in the middle between both of your work places?

    You do have to realize that with him being military he will PCS. And when that happens you will go with him (I would assume) and you could very well be out of work for a short time or maybe the entire time y'all are at the new base.

    You need to communicate and compromise on what the two of you will do BEFORE you take your relationship another serious step (ie marriage).

    But me, I adjusted because I loved him and he came first over any job. And friends and family I am not giving them up, just moving away from them.
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    #3
    Do you have a wedding date set? is it anytime soon? How much longer does he have at Fort Bragg before a PCS? Honestly, you only live an hour and a half away. And you're not married yet. I personally would talk to him about wanting to stay with your awesome job and location for a couple more years, and you can drive and stay with him every weekend (easily... so close!) and do it like this either until you're married or until he PCS's to another base. Maybe the next base will have better opportunities for you!
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    Southern-Queen, where I live is an hour and a half away from Fayetteville. No, he can't move to where I am but I have thought about relocating to a closer city but the only "major" city between where he is and where I am is Florence and that's still going to be a little bit of a drive.

    I know that he will PCS eventually but the thought of being without a job really makes me nervous, he's assured me that financially we're going to be fine. I'm just used to doing for myself and being able to contribute financially. Have you lived Fayetteville? Do you know anything about the call center there?

    We have discussed me moving and I agreed that I would but that was prior to the promotion and extra bill I have now. I was trying to find a job in my field in Fayetteville and the surrounding areas but i'm now looking in Raleigh so i'm hoping I find something there.

    He does come first and I am prepared to give up my job and move when he returns.
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    Alice, we don't have a wedding date set because of his deployment but now that we know exactly when he's returning we're thinking about getting married in February. As far as he knows, he's going to be at Fort Bragg for awhile. I'm definitely staying where I am until we're married. He's not open to us living apart after the marriage so staying where I am after the wedding is not an option.
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    #6
    Maybe it would set your mind at ease (and also make him aware of any issues) if ya'll created a budget for what you anticipate your expenses to be, and then compare that to his income and see if that is going to work for the plans the two of you have. Also I assume you've discussed financial/professional/personal goals since you guys are planning on being married, if not that is definitely something that should be gone over too.

    How much closer is the other city you were talking about? I do think an hour and a half is a long commute ... when I married my DH I commuted 45 min - 90 min depending and it worked for us, the 45 was much more doable though. Not to say that it would necessarily work for you guys, everyone is different, but that might be a good compromise for both of you.

    To your last question, that's a harder one for me to answer. Giving up a good job was one of the things I really struggled with, but work is important to me. Family/friends was meh, I already moved halfway around the world from my family, my good friends I kept in touch with anyway, and I can make friends anywhere so that wasn't really a concern for me. I'm not the type of person who gets attached to a specific place as "home" so that made things a lot easier for me.
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    OP, what about moving halfway? You each commute 45 mins but get to keep your job. It doesn't have to be forever... but I think it would be a good compromise.

    I'm also moving to be with my fiance at Bragg and I know what you mean about the area. I think we are planning on settling in Raeford - DF really likes Southern Pines, but I'm trying to talk him out of the commute because I won't have a job (because I can't work for 3-4 months, I'm going through Immigration at the moment).

    I do understand on your situation though. DF and I have discussed (and joked) about how difficult this move will be for me. I have a full-time and 2 p/t jobs, I work 7 days a week, I own my home, I have my whole little life over here. I've been self-sufficient since I moved out at 18. I'm 27 and now leaving my stable, independent life - not to mention my super close family, to move with DF and NOT BE ABLE TO WORK.

    It's scary for the most part... but being with DF and starting our live together is exciting and will be another great adventure I want to embark on - and living in Canada does not lend itself to the opportunity you have to possibly commute If you career is important to you, I think there are options for compromise in your situation. But like PPs have mentioned... when its time to PCS, it'll be time to leave anyway :/

    I hope you find out what works for you and your DF
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    Something about "it's not an option for him" rubs me the wrong way. This should be a joint decision. He wants his wife to be with him; his [future] wife wants to work. I am not sure why he gets veto power over your life.

    Giving up your jobs sucks, if you are someone for whom that's important. Since we moved overseas, I have worked either part time or not at all (which is my current situation). I hate it, and it is hard on me. I made the sacrifice willingly, but I might have chosen differently in different circumstances. He may not know for sure how much longer he'll be at Bragg, but he absolutely knows how much longer he has left on his orders. To me, if it isn't that long, I'd consider waiting until he got orders and then agreeing to move with him at that point. If you move to Bragg and he leaves 4 months later, that seems silly to me.

    I'd offer that up as a compromise. If he's close to getting orders, then wait until that happens and move with him at that point, no matter where and even if you don't have a job lined up, but don't give up your job now to move to a place you might only be for a few months.

    If he's not open to that, which seems like a perfectly reasonable compromise, then I'd question the wisdom in moving forward with a marriage to a dictator who insists on having everything his way.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    OP, I hope you guys find some way to compromise, be it you both live between the two places, or you stay where you are a little longer or something.

    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    Something about "it's not an option for him" rubs me the wrong way. This should be a joint decision. He wants his wife to be with him; his [future] wife wants to work. I am not sure why he gets veto power over your life.

    Giving up your jobs sucks, if you are someone for whom that's important. Since we moved overseas, I have worked either part time or not at all (which is my current situation). I hate it, and it is hard on me. I made the sacrifice willingly, but I might have chosen differently in different circumstances. He may not know for sure how much longer he'll be at Bragg, but he absolutely knows how much longer he has left on his orders. To me, if it isn't that long, I'd consider waiting until he got orders and then agreeing to move with him at that point. If you move to Bragg and he leaves 4 months later, that seems silly to me.

    I'd offer that up as a compromise. If he's close to getting orders, then wait until that happens and move with him at that point, no matter where and even if you don't have a job lined up, but don't give up your job now to move to a place you might only be for a few months.

    If he's not open to that, which seems like a perfectly reasonable compromise, then I'd question the wisdom in moving forward with a marriage to a dictator who insists on having everything his way.
    If he's Army (which at Fort Bragg I'm assuming he is)...He doesn't know how long his orders are for. In the Army your orders are until you get new orders. Could be a year, could be three, could be 8. He could call Branch and try to get an estimate, but it's not "you're here for X amount of time, then you're up for orders again", unless you are in a special assignment (overseas,recruiting,DS duty,etc)
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    Something about "it's not an option for him" rubs me the wrong way. This should be a joint decision. He wants his wife to be with him; his [future] wife wants to work. I am not sure why he gets veto power over your life.

    Giving up your jobs sucks, if you are someone for whom that's important. Since we moved overseas, I have worked either part time or not at all (which is my current situation). I hate it, and it is hard on me. I made the sacrifice willingly, but I might have chosen differently in different circumstances. He may not know for sure how much longer he'll be at Bragg, but he absolutely knows how much longer he has left on his orders. To me, if it isn't that long, I'd consider waiting until he got orders and then agreeing to move with him at that point. If you move to Bragg and he leaves 4 months later, that seems silly to me.

    I'd offer that up as a compromise. If he's close to getting orders, then wait until that happens and move with him at that point, no matter where and even if you don't have a job lined up, but don't give up your job now to move to a place you might only be for a few months.

    If he's not open to that, which seems like a perfectly reasonable compromise, then I'd question the wisdom in moving forward with a marriage to a dictator who insists on having everything his way.
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