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Thread: Getting married... Not together? More abuse.

  1. Mandapandabear's Avatar
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    #1

    Getting married... Not together? More abuse.

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    As some of you may know.. I'm in college, I live with my parents, I'm engaged to the man I've been with for almost 3 years. He is my best friend, and the best man I have ever known. He is currently deployed as well. Well, my parents are physically and mentally abusive to me because they don't want me with him. So I faked a breakup with him.
    Needless to say, some recent events occurred yesterday... And I'm really worried about myself.

    A month or so back, my SO were talking and we were kinda kicking ourselves for not getting married while he was home on leave. But at the time we thought it was what was best and we would wait till he got back next year in April/May 2014.
    He mentioned the idea while we were talking that day that soldiers have kinda sorta basically relinquished their rights to their parents to sign their marital parents and that soldiers were getting married in Europe where he was stationed that way.
    Is this true?
    Keep in mind, we are already planning on getting married in April or May as soon as he gets back. I hope no one looks down at me for even asking this, because I know I look like a gold digger even thinking of this.
    Is it a good idea? I love him so much.
    If it is a good idea, how would I bring it up to him? I know he has thought about it because he mentioned it and has said he wouldn't mind doing that for the time being.
    How would I bring up the recent abuse so I do not alert him or worry him? It needs to be gentle.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Mandapandabear View Post
    As some of you may know.. I'm in college, I live with my parents, I'm engaged to the man I've been with for almost 3 years. He is my best friend, and the best man I have ever known. He is currently deployed as well. Well, my parents are physically and mentally abusive to me because they don't want me with him. So I faked a breakup with him.
    Needless to say, some recent events occurred yesterday... And I'm really worried about myself.

    A month or so back, my SO were talking and we were kinda kicking ourselves for not getting married while he was home on leave. But at the time we thought it was what was best and we would wait till he got back next year in April/May 2014.
    He mentioned the idea while we were talking that day that soldiers have kinda sorta basically relinquished their rights to their parents to sign their marital parents and that soldiers were getting married in Europe where he was stationed that way.
    Is this true?
    Keep in mind, we are already planning on getting married in April or May as soon as he gets back. I hope no one looks down at me for even asking this, because I know I look like a gold digger even thinking of this.
    Is it a good idea? I love him so much.
    If it is a good idea, how would I bring it up to him? I know he has thought about it because he mentioned it and has said he wouldn't mind doing that for the time being.
    How would I bring up the recent abuse so I do not alert him or worry him? It needs to be gentle.
    You have been given lots of great advice as to how to remove yourself from the situation sooner rather than later - marriage is not the key to removing yourself from the home, there are PLENTY of ways you can get out without having to get married to do it.
    As to the bolded -- Are you talking about a marriage by proxy where you would be here in the states and he would be where he is but you would be married by representation for him from an appointed person?
  3. Mandapandabear's Avatar
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    Holy! I just realized how bad my grammar was this morning! Sorry! I have yet to get some coffee in me!
    This is how it should look:
    He mentioned the idea while we were talking that day that soldiers have kinda sorta basically relinquished their rights to their parents to sign their marital papers and that soldiers were getting married in Europe where they are stationed away from their SO.
  4. Mandapandabear's Avatar
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    #4
    So it is possible to get married this way?
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Mandapandabear View Post
    So it is possible to get married this way?
    I believe the allowance to marry by proxy varies by state. I know people who have done it.

    "The purpose of life is not to simply be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well."
    - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Mandapandabear View Post
    As some of you may know.. I'm in college, I live with my parents, I'm engaged to the man I've been with for almost 3 years. He is my best friend, and the best man I have ever known. He is currently deployed as well. Well, my parents are physically and mentally abusive to me because they don't want me with him. So I faked a breakup with him.
    Needless to say, some recent events occurred yesterday... And I'm really worried about myself.

    A month or so back, my SO were talking and we were kinda kicking ourselves for not getting married while he was home on leave. But at the time we thought it was what was best and we would wait till he got back next year in April/May 2014.
    He mentioned the idea while we were talking that day that soldiers have kinda sorta basically relinquished their rights to their parents to sign their marital parents and that soldiers were getting married in Europe where he was stationed that way.
    Is this true?
    Keep in mind, we are already planning on getting married in April or May as soon as he gets back. I hope no one looks down at me for even asking this, because I know I look like a gold digger even thinking of this.
    Is it a good idea? I love him so much.
    If it is a good idea, how would I bring it up to him? I know he has thought about it because he mentioned it and has said he wouldn't mind doing that for the time being.
    How would I bring up the recent abuse so I do not alert him or worry him? It needs to be gentle.
    I have no idea what the bolded means. But if you are asking if his parents need to be involved in the wedding somehow, no, they don't. But that has nothing to do with being a soldier. Assuming both parties are old enough to marry without needing consent from a parent, then no one ever needs a parent's permission or involvement to get married. That has nothing to do with soldiers relinquishing any rights. No on needs parental consent to marry. (Unless they are underage. Are you 18?)

    As to whether he can marry while in Europe, do you mean that he would be in Europe and you would be in the States? This can sometimes be done in some States. Do some research on "proxy marriage" and see if it is offered in your state, or on "double proxy marriage" which I think a couple States allow. That is where neither of you is in the State but you can still get married under their rules there.

    In addition to legal considerations and just making sure you can do it, you also need to think about family reaction and other practicalities. How will his family feel about this? Will doing it cause major problems? If so, is it worth it?

    Where will you live? Once you marry, he'd get BAH (housing allowance), but he'd probably have to start paying for his room on base (the generally won't pay him a housing allowance plus give him a free room) so you'll need to make sure you can afford that. It sounds like the point of rushing to get married is so that you can get out of your abusive household, so make sure it would accomplish that or there is no point. If they only give him $700 in BAH and it would cost you $1200 to get an apartment and pay utilities (plus you would need money for deposits and setting up utilities, as well as as least minimum furniture since it sounds like you won't get to take your bed and such from your parents) so if you can't afford those things, you need to figure out what the point of doing all this would be.

    You said he witnessed the recent episode with your mom, so that seems like an easy way to bring it up. Just tell him it is getting harder and harder and you know he'd mentioned that he might be able to get married from Europe, and ask if that's something he'd be willing to consider. Let him know he can think on it for a few days and doesn't need to give you an answer ASAP, but that you'd like him to think about it.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #7
    You must mean marriage by proxy. As Jenni stated, it is only allowed in a few states. You would have to research the laws in the different European countries to see if it is allowed there, but I am not sure why you mentioned Europe. What country is he in? However, I agree with Ziva, if your home situation is bad, you need to get out. Running away from the situation by getting married is not the answer. And I am not sure how much of a relationship you have had with your fiancee if the whole time you have been sneaking around with him.
  8. Mandapandabear's Avatar
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    He's deployed in afghan. He's not in Europe now. Idk what kind of changes that would mean to this "proxy" marriage thing.

    His parents adore me, they can not wait for us to get married. They know how good we are for eachother. I know they would be 100% okay with it.

    I am 20 years old. I know you do not need consent to get married. He mentioned the idea of having his parents stand in, that is why I said "his parents".
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Mandapandabear View Post
    He's deployed in afghan. He's not in Europe now. Idk what kind of changes that would mean to this "proxy" marriage thing.

    His parents adore me, they can not wait for us to get married. They know how good we are for eachother. I know they would be 100% okay with it.

    I am 20 years old. I know you do not need consent to get married. He mentioned the idea of having his parents stand in, that is why I said "his parents".
    like his parents would be at the altar representing him instead of him??
  10. Mandapandabear's Avatar
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    #10
    Yes
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