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Thread: Need Help , , what do I do?

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    Need Help , , what do I do?

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    My sister married two years ago, and now she has a 1 1/2 daughter. Her husband is not who she thought he was . . he is mentally and emotionally abusive. He is extremely controlling - my sister is not allowed to know anything about their finances/insurance/ etc. He even took the money she got for her birthday and Christmas gifts. He controls everything. He is sooo mean to her and she calls home crying everyday. He gives her no emotional support at all. She discovered that he has a history of physical and mental abuse of a former spouse only after they were married and she was pregnant. I want her to move back home to live with me, but she doesn't know how to start or what to do. She lives on the other side of the country and her husband said he would take their baby and smash up all of her belongings if she even hinted that she would take her daughter and leave. He has not hit her so far, but he acts like he will. He calls her names, belittles her constantly, and calls her stupid (she has supported herself before they married). When she tries to talk to him about their problems, he blames everything are her. He is home from a deployement, and while he was gone he promised it would be different when he returned. Its not any different. . . its worst. I think he is only worried about his daughter, and keeping her close. What do we do? She wants to come home, but is afraid. If she goes for help, she is afraid his commanding officer will approach him about their problem and then her husband will take it our on her. HELP
    Last edited by Marilyn1; 09-15-2013 at 04:46 AM.
  2. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #2
    Here is a list of resources for people whose friends or family members are suffering from abuse:

    How can I help a friend or family member who is being abused? National Domestic Violence Hotline
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Marilyn1 View Post
    My sister married two years ago, and now she has a 1 1/2 daughter. Her husband is not who she thought he was . . he is mentally and emotionally abusive. He is extremely controlling - my sister doesn't even know anything about their finances/insurance/ etc. He controls everything. I want her to move back home to live with me, but she doesn't know how to start or what to do. She lives on the other side of the country and her husband said he would take their baby and smash up all of her belongings if she even hinted that she would take her son and leave. He has not hit her so far, but he calls her names and belittles her constantly. What do we do? HELP
    When he goes to work, she needs to pack as much as she can in a car (all the things she cares about and as much of the baby's stuff (is it a boy or a girl you have claimed both) she can) and all important documents such as birth certificate for the baby and leave. If her name is not on the registrations for any cars she might have to borrow money for a plane or bus ticket or make sure she has a copy of the marriage license in case he calls the car in stolen.

    But calling a domestic abuse advice line can give her better ideas and tip on what to do. She just needs to do this all this without him knowing.
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    #4
    have her pack everything she can into her car and leave right after he goes to work.
    they are still married he cannot do anything to her for taking a car out of state, it is not considered theft.

    if she cannot drive have someone come get her and as much stuff as she can pack and have the friend hold the stuff she cannot take with her and get on a bus and leave.

    I left at 9:30 am, I did not pack anything but threw it all in a small uhaul I had friends come over and help - I put the kids and the dog in the front seat, drove to the bank and withdrew 100 dollars - I drove until my tank of gas was low, stopped at a cheap motel and had my family wire me money via western union, got in the truck the next day and was with family that night. I was looking behind me the entire time, waiting for him to catch up to me it was the second most scary thing I have ever done.
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    thank you for the advice. My sister is scared that she would not be able to take her baby with her if she leaves him. They live in base housing. He said that she if she leaves, she can't take her daughter with her to a different state. My sister and her husband are from 2 different states and they now live really far from both families - his and hers. My parents and step parents will help (pay for moving truck), but I don't know to get on base without him signing us in. Is there another way to do this? How can we get on base to move her? Can the military make him stay somewhere else while we move her? I don't think we can do it when he leaves for work. He works 3 minutes from their house on base and he is always popping in during the day.
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    Wife wants to move home . . . how does she do it?

    My sister wants to leave her AF spouse and move home with their 1 1/2 year old daughter. She is afraid to leave because of what he may do. He says she can't take their daughter with her. He also said she can't take any belongings with her (she bought them all before they married 2 years ago). She can't just pack up and leave while he is at work. . . they live on base and he pops in during the day. He would know. Our family is willing to help her move, but we can't get on base without him signing us in. Will the military make him stay somewhere else while we pack her up and move her? He is mentally and emotionally abusive and she has had enough. They live across the country from us. His family and our family also live in different states 1/2 way across the country.
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    #7
    She should be able to sign you on base. When you ask about the military making him stay somewhere else, if you are asking if they can keep him out of his house, probably not, unless she has a restraining order. In theory, they probably could still do it since it is military property and they can pretty much tell him to do whatever they want, but without good reason, I don't think they will.

    She could let the MPs (base police) know, when you arrive, that there might be some issues and ask if someone could stay with her while she packs the truck, just in case. If they won't do that, at the very least she can keep the MPs number on speed dial and the moment things start to look ugly, she can tell him she's going to call. The threat alone might be enough to calm him, but if it isn't, then if she feels unsafe she can call.

    They are still married, so she can take her son to another state. Once they have filed for divorce, there might be some stipulations put on that, but she can consulte a lawyer in whatever state she decided to file in about that.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #8
    You already have another active and current thread about this same topic, and you've gotten some responses there. Good luck to her.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    thank you . . . I've received the best advice so far from this site. Thank you military families for being there! I feel better now.
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    #10
    she can take her child any where she wants to they are still married, there is no child custody agreement, she cannot be charged with parental interference until or unless there is a court order.

    she can sign in guests and get a pass for a u haul -

    unfortunately unless she has a restraining order or the assistance of his command they will not make him stay away.

    the hardest thing for her is that he has her so scared that she cannot act.

    if she has a few friends and a few males family members who can be there to help load and guard her while she prepares to flee it will help, the likelihood that he would attack a male is slim.
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