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Thread: I am so confused on what exactly to do.. :sad eyes

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    I am so confused on what exactly to do.. :sad eyes

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    Its been quite a while since I've been on here. Things have been going really well for that past 4 months, or so I thought with my boyfriend.

    A little background info..my boyfriend and I met January of 2012, got together when he came home from the army, and have been happily together since. A little more on his his background is that he's been deployed 3 times, once in Iraq, twice in Afghanistan-Korengal Valley being one of the places. He was injured and suffers from both TBI & PTSD. Its been a struggle along the way in our relationship when it comes to his mood swings that completely shuts off his emotions about everything. It's been hard to see him go through this, & hear him say that he is numb-it physically hurts my heart.

    Now my SO, whom is still a newly veteran (a little over a year out), is still having a hard time adjusting to civilian life. Early August though, he enrolled into an Art school about an hour away from where we live. Im so happy for him, Ive asked him-quadruple checked with him-to make sure that this is exactly what he wants to do for his career(computer graphics & design), he says he's positive, so that's great! But just recently, I found out that he has lied to me...now it's nothing horrible on what he lied about-just that he went out with some friends-but the fact that this isn't the first time he's lied, nor the first time that I was the one who found out-he DID not tell me, hurts deeply. I cant describe how much I love & truly care for my SO. We want it all together. We easily talk about getting married, having babies, and everything in between. I truly believe that he loves me and wants to be with me, but why lie? Why lie about the smallest of things?

    Now, I'm still doing my research on PTSD and learning what the side-effects and some things that go along with it. But it still doesn't comfort me when he does things like this. Like I said, I've had issues with him lying about things, and when I confront him he is truthful. But Im fighting with my feelings inside. I love him with everything I have, but I feel completely foolish and heartbroken when he says to me ALL the time how much he loves me and can't wait for our future together. I'm so confused on wether to even believe that now..how do I go about this?

    I had a conversation with him about this tonight because I just found out of him lying. Mind you, he was on his sleeping meds, which I wasn't aware of until after about 3 minutes of me hysterically crying..I felt like an idiot crying too, so please don't judge. But I feel like I put so much time & effort & love into our relationship, and then I hear he lies again..it hurts me so much. I never once think of us breaking up-but when he says things like "I'm a piece of shit", and "I dont deserve you", it sounds as if he's insinuating that we break up. I asked him if thats what he's implying because I was so in shock that this was happening, and he said no. He loves me more than anything but that hes confused on how he feels.

    I don't really know what I'm looking for here, because I know that everyone's situation is always different & you dont know him..but I need someone's outside perspective, especially if they can relate to their SO's going through PTSD. I know I'm still new to his emotions. I wasn't with him when he was in the military, I'm just praying-praying that we can get through whatever this is. I told him that I was not giving up on him(after he told me he doesn't blame me if I didnt want to be with him because hes lost almost all feeling).
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    Quote Originally Posted by peaceLOVE View Post
    Its been quite a while since I've been on here. Things have been going really well for that past 4 months, or so I thought with my boyfriend.

    A little background info..my boyfriend and I met January of 2012, got together when he came home from the army, and have been happily together since. A little more on his his background is that he's been deployed 3 times, once in Iraq, twice in Afghanistan-Korengal Valley being one of the places. He was injured and suffers from both TBI & PTSD. Its been a struggle along the way in our relationship when it comes to his mood swings that completely shuts off his emotions about everything. It's been hard to see him go through this, & hear him say that he is numb-it physically hurts my heart.

    Now my SO, whom is still a newly veteran (a little over a year out), is still having a hard time adjusting to civilian life. Early August though, he enrolled into an Art school about an hour away from where we live. Im so happy for him, Ive asked him-quadruple checked with him-to make sure that this is exactly what he wants to do for his career(computer graphics & design), he says he's positive, so that's great! But just recently, I found out that he has lied to me...now it's nothing horrible on what he lied about-just that he went out with some friends-but the fact that this isn't the first time he's lied, nor the first time that I was the one who found out-he DID not tell me, hurts deeply. I cant describe how much I love & truly care for my SO. We want it all together. We easily talk about getting married, having babies, and everything in between. I truly believe that he loves me and wants to be with me, but why lie? Why lie about the smallest of things?

    Now, I'm still doing my research on PTSD and learning what the side-effects and some things that go along with it. But it still doesn't comfort me when he does things like this. Like I said, I've had issues with him lying about things, and when I confront him he is truthful. But Im fighting with my feelings inside. I love him with everything I have, but I feel completely foolish and heartbroken when he says to me ALL the time how much he loves me and can't wait for our future together. I'm so confused on wether to even believe that now..how do I go about this?

    I had a conversation with him about this tonight because I just found out of him lying. Mind you, he was on his sleeping meds, which I wasn't aware of until after about 3 minutes of me hysterically crying..I felt like an idiot crying too, so please don't judge. But I feel like I put so much time & effort & love into our relationship, and then I hear he lies again..it hurts me so much. I never once think of us breaking up-but when he says things like "I'm a piece of shit", and "I dont deserve you", it sounds as if he's insinuating that we break up. I asked him if thats what he's implying because I was so in shock that this was happening, and he said no. He loves me more than anything but that hes confused on how he feels.

    I don't really know what I'm looking for here, because I know that everyone's situation is always different & you dont know him..but I need someone's outside perspective, especially if they can relate to their SO's going through PTSD. I know I'm still new to his emotions. I wasn't with him when he was in the military, I'm just praying-praying that we can get through whatever this is. I told him that I was not giving up on him(after he told me he doesn't blame me if I didnt want to be with him because hes lost almost all feeling).
    Hi there... u have to have in mind that our men out there who has been serving n who still does have seen and done a lot of horrible stuff as u can imagine... so of course they feel as if they are horrible persons and all that they say about themselves.. I myself have heard my DB tell me multiple times that he doesn't deserve me.. that he cant understand y the hell I'm still sticking around.. my SO has been gone for 4 years and have 5 more to go before he is finally done..
    I think it's a really good thing that u keep telling him and showing that ur not giving up on him and that u luv him. I know its hard and that it really breaks ur heart.. god only knows how many nights I've spent crying.. but I keep reminding myself that I am the one who needs to stay strong for the both of us, who needs to keep fighting for it to keep working, cuz all they do is fighting for their survival to get back home!
    I think the reason he among others feel numb is cuz the human brain don't know how to process everything... I myself cant even begin to imagine how hard it must b to have all the feelings of guilt, sadness, constant nightmares and on top of that have to deal with adjusting to a "normal" life when all they have been seeing for so many years is war.. n frankly the only way they survive out there is cuz they need to shut there feelings off to b able to do their job..

    About him lying.. well I cant help u there I'm afraid.. but it seems as if he doesn't really think about it since when u confront him he tells u the truth..

    I dont kno if my reply gave u any answers but I hope it helped.. that ur not alone going through this..
    Just stay strong, try to give him some space and don't give up. <3
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    Has he been diagnosed with PTSD and TBI? Is he currently getting treatment?

    To me, having my SO be in treatment would be non-negotiable. When someone is sick, it isn't there fault, but if they aren't working to get better, I can't stay around to risk getting sick or injured myself.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    Quote Originally Posted by MsDiamond View Post
    Hi there... u have to have in mind that our men out there who has been serving n who still does have seen and done a lot of horrible stuff as u can imagine... so of course they feel as if they are horrible persons and all that they say about themselves.. I myself have heard my DB tell me multiple times that he doesn't deserve me.. that he cant understand y the hell I'm still sticking around.. my SO has been gone for 4 years and have 5 more to go before he is finally done..
    I think it's a really good thing that u keep telling him and showing that ur not giving up on him and that u luv him. I know its hard and that it really breaks ur heart.. god only knows how many nights I've spent crying.. but I keep reminding myself that I am the one who needs to stay strong for the both of us, who needs to keep fighting for it to keep working, cuz all they do is fighting for their survival to get back home!
    I think the reason he among others feel numb is cuz the human brain don't know how to process everything... I myself cant even begin to imagine how hard it must b to have all the feelings of guilt, sadness, constant nightmares and on top of that have to deal with adjusting to a "normal" life when all they have been seeing for so many years is war.. n frankly the only way they survive out there is cuz they need to shut there feelings off to b able to do their job..

    About him lying.. well I cant help u there I'm afraid.. but it seems as if he doesn't really think about it since when u confront him he tells u the truth..

    I dont kno if my reply gave u any answers but I hope it helped.. that ur not alone going through this..
    Just stay strong, try to give him some space and don't give up. <3
    Completely disagree. Especially the bolded. As Villanelle said, if he is diagnosed with PTSD/TBI, HE needs to get the necessary help. Is he getting help OP?

    I'm all for sticking with someone through the rough times, but there has to come a point, where you have to care for yourself too. You are not helping anybody if you just "don't give up." You are a person, with needs and feelings, and there is nothing wrong with ensuring that your needs and feelings are also cared for.

    Can I ask what else he is lying about? You said the going out thing... do you think he's not telling you because there's more to it?
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    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    Has he been diagnosed with PTSD and TBI? Is he currently getting treatment?

    To me, having my SO be in treatment would be non-negotiable. When someone is sick, it isn't there fault, but if they aren't working to get better, I can't stay around to risk getting sick or injured myself.
    Yes he has been diagnosed with both TBI and PTSD. He had been seeing a counselor at the VA after we had something similar to this happen around last November. After a while of meeting with his counselor, he seemed to be in better moods & our relationship was getting stronger. Since he's started school though, Ive seen a change in him. I figured on top of all the stress he deals with-on top of being broke and waiting for his BAH and disability to kick in-its all really getting to him. He has said before that he doesn't like to burden me with his stresses also, so I feel that could be a reason as to why he felt he had to lie about going out with friends..but I also don't want to make excuses for him, at least when it comes to lying. If I am apparently the most important person in his life, why would he hurt me like that? He knows my past of how much hurt and lies I've gone through before, so why would he do this? I was going to bring up the other day that he hadn't seen his counselor in a while, but it must have slipped my mind. I'm all for reminding him of those things and I believe in relationships its ok to support & help take care of each other..but shouldn't he take a little more responsibility in recognizing this stuff on his own? Or am I being too harsh?
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    Quote Originally Posted by peaceLOVE View Post
    Yes he has been diagnosed with both TBI and PTSD. He had been seeing a counselor at the VA after we had something similar to this happen around last November. After a while of meeting with his counselor, he seemed to be in better moods & our relationship was getting stronger. Since he's started school though, Ive seen a change in him. I figured on top of all the stress he deals with-on top of being broke and waiting for his BAH and disability to kick in-its all really getting to him. He has said before that he doesn't like to burden me with his stresses also, so I feel that could be a reason as to why he felt he had to lie about going out with friends..but I also don't want to make excuses for him, at least when it comes to lying. If I am apparently the most important person in his life, why would he hurt me like that? He knows my past of how much hurt and lies I've gone through before, so why would he do this? I was going to bring up the other day that he hadn't seen his counselor in a while, but it must have slipped my mind. I'm all for reminding him of those things and I believe in relationships its ok to support & help take care of each other..but shouldn't he take a little more responsibility in recognizing this stuff on his own? Or am I being too harsh?
    No you're not being too harsh, yes he absolutely should. As someone with bipolar and an eating disorder who's spent the past year in treatment programs working on my mental health personal responsibility is stressed. Yes get the support you need, but you need to start implementing the skills you're learning in therapy, you need to take interest in your diagnosis and learn what to do about it. No one, no matter who they are or how much they love you can fully you help or support you with mental illness if you won't help yourself.
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    Quote Originally Posted by CDNTrish View Post
    Completely disagree. Especially the bolded. As Villanelle said, if he is diagnosed with PTSD/TBI, HE needs to get the necessary help. Is he getting help OP?

    I'm all for sticking with someone through the rough times, but there has to come a point, where you have to care for yourself too. You are not helping anybody if you just "don't give up." You are a person, with needs and feelings, and there is nothing wrong with ensuring that your needs and feelings are also cared for.

    Can I ask what else he is lying about? You said the going out thing... do you think he's not telling you because there's more to it?
    I'm not sure what OP is..but he has been seeing a counselor at the VA. He was doing really well, but I've noticed a change in him since he's started school-which also has kept him from going to see his counselor apparently.

    He's lied about seeing his mother on mother's day--he made up this whole story on what they did. When I confronted him, he started crying. He said that he didn't want me to judge him-which I would NEVER do. And the only reason I found out about him not going is because his sister was supposed to go too & let it slip. (She just wasn't aware that he told me that he "went to see her") But then I was on facebook and saw that he was tagged in a picture with mutual "Facebook" friends. I was furious because just the night before there was another picture I came across of this girl that we know had taken a pretty scenery pic & tagged him in it..They aren't even close friends or really friends at all. When I asked him about this picture, he got mad because he said it must have been a mistake. It took me a while to believe him, but we did get over it. He told me I'm the last person he wants to hurt & he hates that he hurts me. But then the following day I see the other picture of him and these girls and his best friend out? I just dont understand..
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    Despite all of this. I do believe he loves me..I know he's a good person. His actions may just be out of character because of his PTSD? I don't know :-/
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    I think there is a significant danger, when one's loved one has PTS or other MI issues, to want to attribute every behavior to that illness. Sometimes, lies are just lies and bad behavior is just bad behavior, and it has nothing to do with mental health issues. There are assholes with PTSD, and when they are assholes, it has nothing to do with the MI. I'm not saying he's an asshole, but I'm trying to point out that every bad thing done by a person with PTSD isn't because of his PTS.

    Keep that in mind. Maybe it is related, but maybe you just want it to be related so you don't have to face the fact that he's fully and 100% responsible for his lies.

    It sounds like he's lying and there are potentially other women involved. Only you can decide where the lines in your relationship are and where you are willing to draw a line in the sand, but remember that he doesn't get a free pass just because he's dealing with some serious issues.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    I think there is a significant danger, when one's loved one has PTS or other MI issues, to want to attribute every behavior to that illness. Sometimes, lies are just lies and bad behavior is just bad behavior, and it has nothing to do with mental health issues. There are assholes with PTSD, and when they are assholes, it has nothing to do with the MI. I'm not saying he's an asshole, but I'm trying to point out that every bad thing done by a person with PTSD isn't because of his PTS.
    So much truth!
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