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Thread: Ontop of the already complicated army relationship..an abusive situation.

  1. Mandapandabear's Avatar
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    #1

    Ontop of the already complicated army relationship..an abusive situation.

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    Okay..
    What would you do if you were in this situation?
    My SO and I have been together 2 years coming up on 3. We met when I was 18, and he was 23 at the time. I just started college at the time, and I was living at home to cut costs for tuition. When we met, I went home and told my parents "I met the most amazing guy."
    I had only known him for a week when he got his orders to be stationed in Europe. But we decided to try a relationship. Because he was in Europe, my mom decided to go onto Facebook, look through my friends list.. And find him. She looked through his albums and like most military men, had pictures of guns, knifes, and pictures of him with guns. So she made the assumption he was "psyco" having never met the guy. My parents are very old school in the sense of "you're living in my household, you follow my rules." So they told me I had to end it. Yes, I know I was 18 at the time so I understand I am an adult.. But remember, I'm in college. I don't have the money to move out at all. My parents became verbally abusive saying a lot of cruel things about him possibly killing people or even worse, him dying. Things you should never say to someone in a military relationship. But by this time, I already fell really deeply in love with him.
    So I faked a breakup with him so my parents would think we weren't together anymore.
    For a whole year.. Everything was perfect. He came home to me every chance he got to me. His parents love me. Time chugged along...
    And then this January, my parents ended up finding out we were still together after all of this time. When they found out.. I was beat brutally. To the point of having a bad laceration on my arm and multiple bruises. They then through me into my room and took any kind of communication I had away, and my passport. My SO knew how my parents were so we made a little plan if this ever happend. He gave me this old PSP on his last visit that I hid under my mattress. If you don't know anything about a PSP, they have Internet access. So I immediately emailed him "they know." He called my best friend instantly and she came racing over. They stopped because of her coming over to the house.
    They also realized the next day, I needed my cell phone back because I had to commute back and fourth from college and work.
    I know what your thinking.. "Why don't you just leave?"
    I'm flat ass broke because of college, my parents still have my passport hidden, and they have only ever been abusive when it comes to my SO.
    Everyday, I was home.. They would say extremely cruel things about him getting killed. So one of my guy friends faked being my boyfriend for the time being to get them off my back. It worked.
    We found out that he would be getting deployed feb 2013. Well, he came home in June.. And I told my family I was going out of town with my best friend for a week. We snuck away for a week to the Florida keys. We have been talking about getting married for about a year now at this point, and we finally got engaged after 2 and a half years. I have never been so happy.
    In September, when he was back in Europe he was deployed afghan. It's been pretty rough on me not having anyone but my best friend to lean on during this time.
    My fiancé and I made the choice not to announce to anyone (except his family) we are engaged until he is finally stationed back state side (2014 he will be) and we can live together. I'm in agreeance so he doesn't have to worry about me at all while he is deployed.
    I know deep down, no matter how I tell my parents...
    2 things will happend.
    1- they will become extremely mad, and/or abusive. And I do not want them to try hitting me or my SO because I know my SO will have no restraint giving it right back for all those times they've laid their hands on me.
    2- I will break their hearts no matter how I tell them. (I'm an extremely loving person. I hate hurting people)

    How would you suggest telling my family that we are engaged?
  2. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Mandapandabear View Post
    Okay..
    What would you do if you were in this situation?
    My SO and I have been together 2 years coming up on 3. We met when I was 18, and he was 23 at the time. I just started college at the time, and I was living at home to cut costs for tuition. When we met, I went home and told my parents "I met the most amazing guy."
    I had only known him for a week when he got his orders to be stationed in Europe. But we decided to try a relationship. Because he was in Europe, my mom decided to go onto Facebook, look through my friends list.. And find him. She looked through his albums and like most military men, had pictures of guns, knifes, and pictures of him with guns. So she made the assumption he was "psyco" having never met the guy. My parents are very old school in the sense of "you're living in my household, you follow my rules." So they told me I had to end it. Yes, I know I was 18 at the time so I understand I am an adult.. But remember, I'm in college. I don't have the money to move out at all. My parents became verbally abusive saying a lot of cruel things about him possibly killing people or even worse, him dying. Things you should never say to someone in a military relationship. But by this time, I already fell really deeply in love with him.
    So I faked a breakup with him so my parents would think we weren't together anymore.
    For a whole year.. Everything was perfect. He came home to me every chance he got to me. His parents love me. Time chugged along...
    And then this January, my parents ended up finding out we were still together after all of this time. When they found out.. I was beat brutally. To the point of having a bad laceration on my arm and multiple bruises. They then through me into my room and took any kind of communication I had away, and my passport. My SO knew how my parents were so we made a little plan if this ever happend. He gave me this old PSP on his last visit that I hid under my mattress. If you don't know anything about a PSP, they have Internet access. So I immediately emailed him "they know." He called my best friend instantly and she came racing over. They stopped because of her coming over to the house.
    They also realized the next day, I needed my cell phone back because I had to commute back and fourth from college and work.
    I know what your thinking.. "Why don't you just leave?"
    I'm flat ass broke because of college, my parents still have my passport hidden, and they have only ever been abusive when it comes to my SO.
    Everyday, I was home.. They would say extremely cruel things about him getting killed. So one of my guy friends faked being my boyfriend for the time being to get them off my back. It worked.
    We found out that he would be getting deployed feb 2013. Well, he came home in June.. And I told my family I was going out of town with my best friend for a week. We snuck away for a week to the Florida keys. We have been talking about getting married for about a year now at this point, and we finally got engaged after 2 and a half years. I have never been so happy.
    In September, when he was back in Europe he was deployed afghan. It's been pretty rough on me not having anyone but my best friend to lean on during this time.
    My fiancé and I made the choice not to announce to anyone (except his family) we are engaged until he is finally stationed back state side (2014 he will be) and we can live together. I'm in agreeance so he doesn't have to worry about me at all while he is deployed.
    I know deep down, no matter how I tell my parents...
    2 things will happend.
    1- they will become extremely mad, and/or abusive. And I do not want them to try hitting me or my SO because I know my SO will have no restraint giving it right back for all those times they've laid their hands on me.
    2- I will break their hearts no matter how I tell them. (I'm an extremely loving person. I hate hurting people)

    How would you suggest telling my family that we are engaged?
    I would suggest you first secure yourself a safe situation - be it a shelter or a friend or family member who will open their home to you for the time being as you formulate your plan for what to do next. As for telling your family, tell them either by phone or, if you must tell them in person, ONLY if you have someone with you to help guard your safety. Do not concern yourself with how your news will effect their feelings, you are affording them more care and concern than they are you.
    I am not understanding why you are so concerned about your passport to the point of letting that be what keeps you in this situation.
  3. "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
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    #3
    wow... just wow.

    First of all, report them to the police for the stolen passport. I would also say the abuse, but that's long gone and hard to prove at this point.
    Second, run RUUUUUUUUN..... there are shelter's you can live in. And if your BEST friend is truly your BEST friend I'm sure she'd let you stay with her until you can get on your feet. If she won't, well then she isn't a friend.
    Third, I wouldn't even be speaking to my parents, I could give three shits if they even know I was getting married, had a BF, engaged, whatever.
    Fourth... RUN... (yes I repeated it).

    Another suggestion, if his parents like you so much, ask if they will allow you to live there until you can come up with a better solution. I know its not 'ideal' but is FAR, FAR, FAR better than living in the situation you are.

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
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    #4
    WTF did I just read?

    If anyone abuses you, it doesn't matter who it is, boyfriend, spouse, child, friend, parent, sibling, stranger, whoever, get out of that situation/leave. Protect yourself. That's the very first thing you should do.
  5. Do or do not... There is no try.~ Yoda, Jedi Master
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    #5
    First of all, if your parents refuse to give your passport to you, report it lost or stolen. Lost or Stolen Passports

    Secondly, abuse is abuse no matter who inflicts it. School can wait. Your safety cannot. Get out now.
    I'm not Lynn, but we ARE MSOS Best Friends and MSOS Twins.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Mandapandabear View Post
    Okay..
    What would you do if you were in this situation?
    My SO and I have been together 2 years coming up on 3. We met when I was 18, and he was 23 at the time. I just started college at the time, and I was living at home to cut costs for tuition. When we met, I went home and told my parents "I met the most amazing guy."
    I had only known him for a week when he got his orders to be stationed in Europe. But we decided to try a relationship. Because he was in Europe, my mom decided to go onto Facebook, look through my friends list.. And find him. She looked through his albums and like most military men, had pictures of guns, knifes, and pictures of him with guns. So she made the assumption he was "psyco" having never met the guy. My parents are very old school in the sense of "you're living in my household, you follow my rules." So they told me I had to end it. Yes, I know I was 18 at the time so I understand I am an adult.. But remember, I'm in college. I don't have the money to move out at all. My parents became verbally abusive saying a lot of cruel things about him possibly killing people or even worse, him dying. Things you should never say to someone in a military relationship. But by this time, I already fell really deeply in love with him.
    So I faked a breakup with him so my parents would think we weren't together anymore.
    For a whole year.. Everything was perfect. He came home to me every chance he got to me. His parents love me. Time chugged along...
    And then this January, my parents ended up finding out we were still together after all of this time. When they found out.. I was beat brutally. To the point of having a bad laceration on my arm and multiple bruises. They then through me into my room and took any kind of communication I had away, and my passport. My SO knew how my parents were so we made a little plan if this ever happend. He gave me this old PSP on his last visit that I hid under my mattress. If you don't know anything about a PSP, they have Internet access. So I immediately emailed him "they know." He called my best friend instantly and she came racing over. They stopped because of her coming over to the house.
    They also realized the next day, I needed my cell phone back because I had to commute back and fourth from college and work.
    I know what your thinking.. "Why don't you just leave?"
    I'm flat ass broke because of college, my parents still have my passport hidden, and they have only ever been abusive when it comes to my SO.
    Everyday, I was home.. They would say extremely cruel things about him getting killed. So one of my guy friends faked being my boyfriend for the time being to get them off my back. It worked.
    We found out that he would be getting deployed feb 2013. Well, he came home in June.. And I told my family I was going out of town with my best friend for a week. We snuck away for a week to the Florida keys. We have been talking about getting married for about a year now at this point, and we finally got engaged after 2 and a half years. I have never been so happy.
    In September, when he was back in Europe he was deployed afghan. It's been pretty rough on me not having anyone but my best friend to lean on during this time.
    My fiancé and I made the choice not to announce to anyone (except his family) we are engaged until he is finally stationed back state side (2014 he will be) and we can live together. I'm in agreeance so he doesn't have to worry about me at all while he is deployed.
    I know deep down, no matter how I tell my parents...
    2 things will happend.
    1- they will become extremely mad, and/or abusive. And I do not want them to try hitting me or my SO because I know my SO will have no restraint giving it right back for all those times they've laid their hands on me.
    2- I will break their hearts no matter how I tell them. (I'm an extremely loving person. I hate hurting people)

    How would you suggest telling my family that we are engaged?
    *I* would have gone to the police and begged friends to borrow their couches after that crap. And how did your best friend leave you in that situation? I would have dragged you out of there.

    Passport.....go to the closest passport office and tell them your passport was stolen or tell them your parents will not let you have it. OR one day when they are gone start searching for any and all personal documents on yourself such as passport and birth certificate.

    And personally, I would not tell them anything. They are abusive and don't deserve the luxury of knowing details of myself. I would move out, marry my fiance and go on about my life. And if I really felt like I had to tell them I would tell them via mail or on the phone. Not in person.
  7. I'm an enlisted 6-star General, Air Coast Force Guard
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    #7
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    #8
    I would leave, no one deserves to live in that situation. You can look into shelters and such. I know some DV shelters because I have worked for them in the past will say only if your are intimate with your abuser, however they will make exceptions if you talk to them. Also, homeless shelters will help, check with local non profits to see if they can help you. Your friends or other family members might be able to put you up until you can get a place of your own. Do not stay in a situation like this, it is bad for you.
  9. Hakuna♥Matata's Avatar
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Southern-queen View Post
    *I* would have gone to the police and begged friends to borrow their couches after that crap. And how did your best friend leave you in that situation? I would have dragged you out of there.

    Passport.....go to the closest passport office and tell them your passport was stolen or tell them your parents will not let you have it. OR one day when they are gone start searching for any and all personal documents on yourself such as passport and birth certificate.

    And personally, I would not tell them anything. They are abusive and don't deserve the luxury of knowing details of myself. I would move out, marry my fiance and go on about my life. And if I really felt like I had to tell them I would tell them via mail or on the phone. Not in person.
    I would of been gone so long ago. Sometimes you have to make hard choices in life, education is important but your immediate safety is more important. As you said at the beginning you are an adult. You don't have to take this, you have options.
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    #10
    Yeah you need to get out. Avoiding debt is not in any way worth being abused.

    Annnnd I wouldn't give a fuck about their opinions, honestly. If my parents treated me that way I'd leave and never speak with them again. Who needs that?
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