Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Integrating Big Life Changes

  1. Pour a little salt, we were never here
    [his] lobster's Avatar
    [his] lobster is offline
    Pour a little salt, we were never here
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    8,737

    #1

    Integrating Big Life Changes

    Advertisements
    So, I guess the thing is that I know how to do it on my end. When DH has a big change (career change, tech school, new base/command, deployment, etc...) I used to be terrible, but now I think I have fine tuned my skills and we get through them as easily as possible.

    But the tables have been turned in more ways than one. Now I'm in a pre-professional degree path, and it's already kicking my butt. It's what I want to do, and it's been a long time coming (3-4 years of planning and getting funding/timing to be right). It's just kind of challenging. I'm used to being the nurturing one in the relationship, and so when I need nurture, sometimes that can be awkward and rusty for both of us.

    I know a lot of the ladies I can think of off the top of my head who have done medical, vet, pt programs have been LD from their SOs, and while I am sure that has all it's own challenges. I guess I am looking for advice on doing that kind of schooling while living with you SO. We had a fully functional life before I went to school, and I'm only in school to fulfill my own personal desire to graduate from college (no long term financial reliability on me is currently planned). So far it's just exactly the stumbling blocks I foresaw about needing time to do work, but also needing time with DH and what he likes doing.

    I can't say I feel despair or any sort of upset, but I also don't feel good. I feel sort of numb and apprehensive of how it'll play out. Any advice from those who have lived together and been in a full time school setting?
  2. Dancing Backwards in High Heels
    HisJuliet's Avatar
    HisJuliet is offline
    Dancing Backwards in High Heels
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Together Again!
    Posts
    9,081
    #2
    DH and I met in my last year of college. I ended up only needing 1 semester my senior year, so I spent 2nd semester working full time, as was he, so we had the comfortable little setting you described.

    Then I got accepted to law school, so we picked up and moved closer to my school (we knew DH would deploy while I was in school, so it was safer for me to drive less when he was gone). During my first year of law school we got married, 2nd year he deployed and 3rd year we were finally together without any major events (somewhat ). I'm not going to lie, it was hard, because he was working swing shift at a factory (he's NG, so not full time military), so that meant he worked every day from 3-11 and drove about an hour to and from work. So he was usually awake when I came home from class for lunch, then I would go back to school and he would head off to work. We only saw each other 2-3 hours a day while awake. It worked for us because I had the time I needed to devote to studying and getting involved in extra-circulars without feeling guilty.

    We occasionally had the weekends together where we didn't have much to do, and that was nice, but I regret not having us spend much "couple" time. Yes, we would both be home, but we would be watching tv in separate chairs and on the computer.

    Now we've both made huge life changes again as I got my degree and passed the bar, I got a job, we moved up there, he went to school and started a new job and recently a new guard unit. We're still as busy as before, but now take more time for us and it's helped a bunch.

    Okay, huge ramble, but the moral of the story is to remember to take time out for your relationship. Even if it is just watching a favorite TV show together, then turn off the computer and put the phone on silent and just spend time together. Pre-professional schooling is stressful, this will give you time to decompress.
  3. Senior Member
    villanelle's Avatar
    villanelle is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    14,790
    #3
    I know you were determined to take a ton of units so you can finish ASAP, but that might be something to consider compromising on so you can have more time for other concerns. To me, that is key in these kinds of situations. One partner has to realize he will be shouldering a bit more of the day-to-day burdens of life and be willing to make that sacrifice for a few years,, but the other partner has to make sacrifices in the other direction as well.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
  4. Senior Member
    JaneSays's Avatar
    JaneSays is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    2,588
    #4
    I know what you mean. I just started grad school, and DH has been in school for a year. I'm not going to lie--it's been tough. What's been important for us is that we have scheduled study time and scheduled couple time. We always go out for Saturday morning breakfast, and we schedule date time (even if it's just at home) each week where phones are banned. We plan out our dinners and assign nights based on who gets home first. We also take a chunk of 3 hours or so on the weekend and divide up the cleaning tasks.

    I think the key thing for me was to realize what I needed and communicate it. I was so used to anticipating his needs and keeping the house stuff running like a well oiled machine, and it took me some time to realize that DH was more than happy to help, but I had to let him know what things needed to be accomplished.

    It's still not perfect, but it's only the second week of the semester.
  5. Pour a little salt, we were never here
    [his] lobster's Avatar
    [his] lobster is offline
    Pour a little salt, we were never here
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    8,737

    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by HisJuliet View Post
    DH and I met in my last year of college. I ended up only needing 1 semester my senior year, so I spent 2nd semester working full time, as was he, so we had the comfortable little setting you described.

    Then I got accepted to law school, so we picked up and moved closer to my school (we knew DH would deploy while I was in school, so it was safer for me to drive less when he was gone). During my first year of law school we got married, 2nd year he deployed and 3rd year we were finally together without any major events (somewhat ). I'm not going to lie, it was hard, because he was working swing shift at a factory (he's NG, so not full time military), so that meant he worked every day from 3-11 and drove about an hour to and from work. So he was usually awake when I came home from class for lunch, then I would go back to school and he would head off to work. We only saw each other 2-3 hours a day while awake. It worked for us because I had the time I needed to devote to studying and getting involved in extra-circulars without feeling guilty.

    We occasionally had the weekends together where we didn't have much to do, and that was nice, but I regret not having us spend much "couple" time. Yes, we would both be home, but we would be watching tv in separate chairs and on the computer.

    Now we've both made huge life changes again as I got my degree and passed the bar, I got a job, we moved up there, he went to school and started a new job and recently a new guard unit. We're still as busy as before, but now take more time for us and it's helped a bunch.

    Okay, huge ramble, but the moral of the story is to remember to take time out for your relationship. Even if it is just watching a favorite TV show together, then turn off the computer and put the phone on silent and just spend time together. Pre-professional schooling is stressful, this will give you time to decompress.
    That actually seems to be one of the problems, that I totally wasn't thinking about. I always to work or have school when DH has work. When he's home, he has a very consistent schedule, days M-F. I guess the problem now is that he doesn't come home with homework, he leaves and is done. Meanwhile I spend all day in school and then need to spend four hours at night doing homework. Which quite frankly, between driving (about an hour and half one way), actual school and then trying to do more......I'm melting and I need to some how separate time for studying.

    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    I know you were determined to take a ton of units so you can finish ASAP, but that might be something to consider compromising on so you can have more time for other concerns. To me, that is key in these kinds of situations. One partner has to realize he will be shouldering a bit more of the day-to-day burdens of life and be willing to make that sacrifice for a few years,, but the other partner has to make sacrifices in the other direction as well.
    I'm definitely planning to take four classes next semester instead of five. I'm also going to try three longer days with two days of no driving. The commute is killing me. I might look up bus schedules but I'm not sure I could handle 4-6 hours in a day. I honestly didn't realize just how far away this school was.

    DH is really understanding that the house isn't as clean, and that I'm not putting as much effort into dinner. The bigger issue we're running into, is that he still wants to do his normal things, that I'm always a part of. Like last weekend we spent Saturday driving to California to buy him a welder. It was fun and a lot of good time together, but an entire day where I couldn't do homework (it's all online and I didn't have wifi in the car). Also, he's been buying some stuff for the house on craigslist, which is totally fine and normal but in general whenever he finds something it's on the other side of the valley, 1-2 hour drive. Since I'm driving half way there already, he keeps wanting me to pick stuff up and I finally told him yesterday "No. I can't do errands on weekdays". This was evidenced to me again because the first week of school we got the windows on the car tinted, added about five hours to that school day. Then the next day he met me and we got something from craigslist. Added three-four hours. Then yesterday, I had to get new tires on my car. Took about two hours. That was my early day of getting out, and my day when I have time to do work before he gets home but I didn't get home early, so I didn't get to do any work until late (after dinner, catching up etc...). I know a lot of it is just figuring out how we're going to manage the time, I just hate that I can't participate like I used to. This weekend he wants to go up north Friday-Saturday and I said I'd try and get all my work done so I can, but I honestly don't even want to. I want to sleep and be at my house, not camping in the woods feeling like I should be doing homework but needing the internet.

    Quote Originally Posted by JaneSays View Post
    I know what you mean. I just started grad school, and DH has been in school for a year. I'm not going to lie--it's been tough. What's been important for us is that we have scheduled study time and scheduled couple time. We always go out for Saturday morning breakfast, and we schedule date time (even if it's just at home) each week where phones are banned. We plan out our dinners and assign nights based on who gets home first. We also take a chunk of 3 hours or so on the weekend and divide up the cleaning tasks.

    I think the key thing for me was to realize what I needed and communicate it. I was so used to anticipating his needs and keeping the house stuff running like a well oiled machine, and it took me some time to realize that DH was more than happy to help, but I had to let him know what things needed to be accomplished.

    It's still not perfect, but it's only the second week of the semester.
    I think that's what I'm trying to articulate to him (my needs) and I feel like I've told him about twenty times, starting months ago when it became clear I was going to actually go to school full time, and revisiting the conversation many times, particularly in the last three weeks since school started. I just feel like he doesn't get it and keeps asking for me to do things and I have to *keep* saying no. I'm sure we'll figure it out, I just wish he's catch on faster that I mean what I'm saying

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •