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Thread: Feeling lost

  1. Regular Member
    navynukegf12's Avatar
    navynukegf12 is offline
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    #1

    Feeling lost

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    So DB has been in nuke school for almost 2 months and I'm starting to doubt whether this is going to work out. We've been arguing a lot and it always has to do with me being unhappy with the amount of communication we have. I get that nuke school is really intense and that he's really stressed out but I'm only asking to Skype for one hour a week, ONE HOUR! He's always been really good about texting me everyday, which I really appreciate, but you can't replace a real conversation with texting. That being said on Sunday I asked him if we could Skype since we hadn't skyped for more than a week and he said he should be able to. He ended up going out with his friends and getting drunk and didn't get back till really late. I wasn't mad about him being late as much as being hurt that he has all this time to go out but he can't make an hour for me. We talked when he got to his room and it was such a pointless conversation because he was so belligerent. He just kept saying how it was so effing hard and that "guess what, this is the navy, it's hard. This is how its going to be, you aren't going tosee me for like 10 months at a time ". I know all of that! I don't need him telling me all this, I just wanted some comfort. Then he told me he drank because he was soo stressed out and that he's become a smoker. His dad is an alcoholic so I became concerned. I decided to talk about it with him yesterday, when he was sober... that was pointless too. I poured my heart out and he just said "idk what to tell you babe, this is how it's going to be. I'm not going to change. " I feel like what I'm asking for isn't ridiculous, but maybe I'm wrong? I asked him if he would just rather break up, but he said that wasn't what he wanted, that he was happy with the way things were. Eventually he agreed to make an hour for me and we skyped, but after we hung up I just had this horrible feeling at the pit of my stomach. He was so cold with me and I felt like he wasn't respecting my feelings. It's as if he just shuts down whenever I talk about something "emotional". Sorry for the long post, I just don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on someone I love, things aren't always this bad, but his nonchalance is hard to take in. I feel like the person I knew just two months ago is gone. I can't even read the letters he wrote to me when he was in basic because I end up crying. He's changed so much since then. Has anyone else had a similar experience?
  2. Senior Member
    cuttielawgirl's Avatar
    cuttielawgirl is offline
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    #2
    It sounds like he's fine with things so you have to decide what you want. If your unhappy then its time for a serious heart to heart with yourself. This life style isn't for everyone. In 15 years there have been many times that what you described with your boyfriend was similar to my husbands situation. There are times they are just that busy, stressed or simply unable to communicate. There are times when my emotions get the better of me and I get upset. I think its totally natural at times for us to get just as stressed and very frustrated with lack of communication. A military relationship has to be secure and the couple has to have faith and confidence in what they have with each other. If not then the arguing is going to start and the destruction of the relationship begins. Communication is a tough one. Generally girls communicate a lot better then guys. Our expectations are not the same as the guys. There has to be compromise. Each couple and even person for that mater, has to decide what will work for them. Through Iraq to my husband currently being an instructor there have been times it would be very difficult for him to talk with me for an hour. His work is only 20-25 mins away from our house now, we are married with three kids, and I see him once or twice a week while he has students. During cycles with students he tries to send a text or two a day and call every couple days. The calls are very short, normally a good night. He is stressed, tried, and really busy. We hate this duty. Its really tough. But its only three years and not our whole life. The one positive in the military is that situations are always changing. But on the flip side there are very stressful schools, duties, deployments, and that's part of what you deal with being in a military relationship. There are times they need us to give them a break and the benefit of the doubt. You say he is a different person. Maybe he is changing as he's going through all these new experiences. But that doesn't mean its permanent either. It could be a real indication that he is stressed and very busy and I don't think there is anything wrong with him needed to go out and blow off some steam as long as its responsible. Its possible he is just growing more distant, which is probably my opinion a lot when I read posts like this. But this time I honestly do think he might just be stressed. The biggest thing to understand is that it isn't a reflection on you or his love for you. Sometimes we measure love by how much they communicate with us. Especially when things are long distant. But I don't believe this at all. He is going through a lot of new stressful events and has to learn how to manage everything in his life. Some are lucky and get guys good at this but for a lot of guys it takes time and patients on our part. When I get emotional my husband totally shuts down. He gets very frustrated because guys naturally look for a way to solve the issue and sometimes there isn't a solution. Normally we just want them to listen and there is a miscommunication. I think maybe if you take the requirement off that he Skype you once a week for an hour (which when he's facing orders and stress all day long could just feel like another type of order), you might find he is much more open and responsive to skyping. Id personally stop arguing with him about it let things happen naturally. He probably is less wanting to do it because he doesn't want to be more stressed with the arguing. Once you take all that stress and pressure away, if he doesn't text, call or Skype, then you have a real answer about where your relationship stands.
  3. Regular Member
    navynukegf12's Avatar
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    #3
    Thanks so much for your input. I don't really have anyone in my life to talk with (gf's and/or family), their immediate reaction is to tell me to break up with him, which isn't what I want at all. And I think you're right about setting a requirement of skyping once a week, I think he may see it as another assignment. I think I'll just try to be more patient and understanding, because he does make time for me when I tell him I need to talk because I'm stressed with school or work. It's only when my stress deals with him that he shuts down.

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