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Thread: My dad is dating...

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    #1

    Confused My dad is dating...

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    So my mother died this April (just a couple months ago) after a year long battle with cancer. I think I'm just now getting okay with it. But my dad has decided to start dating again. I thought I'd be okay with it but I'm not. I want him to be happy, but I dont like this. He threw a fit that my sisters and I couldn't touch any of our mothers things. Seriously her purse is still on her nightstand. But today he invited this new lady over to the house! I seriously was fuming! I wasn't rude or anything but it really bothered me. My sisters, who do not live here, are now yelling at me for not being supportive. Seriously?! You aren't here. You don't know. I'm sorry I'm just so upset. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I just don't know how to handle this besides sequestering myself from it all ...
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    #2
    i'm very sorry you had to go through that and i can't say for sure how i'd feel but i don't think i'd like one of my parents (if they were married) to start dating so soon after my mom had died either.

    i would just try to give her a chance.. she could turn out to be a very nice lady and maybe help you during this difficult time. i'm sorry again
    Last edited by GlitterQueen; 09-03-2013 at 06:04 PM.


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    #3
    I am sorry you're going through that. I can definitely see both sides. You being upset (which I think you have every right to feel however you want to) and him wanting to move on however he sees best. Hopefully over time it will get easier to deal with And imo if you need to remove yourself from the situation for a while to deal with your own feelings on the matter there is nothing wrong with that.
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    #4
    My mom started dating a year and a half after my dad passed away. She told me over the phone (we lived in different states at the time) and I remember feeling so hurt and upset, I literally started crying within moments of her telling me. I was almost 24 at the time, married and a mother of 3 already, and it hit me so hard...it took me years to truly accept her DB (I was/am always nice and respectful) but to stop feeling the hurt and be ok with her not being alone. My sisters told me it was selfish to expect her to mourn or live the rest of her life out alone or lonely - to me (at the time, I couldn't wrap my head around her being with someone other than my father, they were a unit - they had been married almost 33 years when he passed) it wasn't that I wanted her sad, I just felt that we (our family and kids) should have been enough for her (so naive). I finally asked her, much later on into her relationship with her DB how she could be with someone after my dad. She cried and I cried and felt horrible It was never that she stopped loving my dad or forgot him, but that she was so sad, and so tired of always being sad. DB made her not so sad and she found she could be happy and not alone anymore. I hate my mom being sad. If her DB can take away some of her hurt, sadness, loneliness, etc...while he's not my dad - I am grateful for that

    I hope you can find peace with your dad dating, whether its with this woman or someone else...I'm sorry for your loss and that you're upset/hurting
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    #5
    I'm not in exactly the same situation - but my parents got divorced after nearly 30 years of marriage. They broke up because of my mother, so it wasn't terribly shocking when she started dating and was posting gushy stuff on her facebook right away (whole different story ), but it hit hard when my dad found someone new. I too experienced the same feelings of being upset and not wanting him to be with anyone else. It's really easy to revert to "I want things to be the way they've always been" and shut down.

    I think it's understandable that you didn't react well - your mother only passed away in April and she was around for all 20-something (give or take ) years of your life before that. That's a big change. It's also a big change for your dad which is why he probably didn't react well either. You're all on new territory here so while I think you were right to not be rude, I don't think you would be out of line to ask your dad to sit down and just talk about this next step. Especially if you are still living at home (which it sounds like you are). Everyone goes through the grieving process differently and at different rates, so I hope he welcomes the chance to reconnect with you.

    for you, OP.
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    #6
    My mom started dating shortly after my dad died, or I thought it was shortly, I don't exactly remember when it was... I can remember my grandma asking me over and over why she wasn't dating... And I was thinking uhhh I don't want her to be... But then I realized a) I'm 24 years old, she's not trying to replace my dad, I don't have to like her new boyfriend... And b) I wanted her to be happy, because she was far too young to give up on love at 48. It wasnt easy, and I still don't love it, but I am able to deal.

    OPs try to remember that your dad is not trying to nor will ever replace your Mom

    Quote Originally Posted by Rainbow Brite View Post
    There needs to be a blowing rainbows, sunshine, butterflies, and happiness up an asshole smiley.
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    #7
    My Grandma got married within a year of my Grandpa dying. We were not thrilled at all but they were both lonely and make each other happy. My Grandma gets to do so much traveling now with her new husband and she isnt sitting at home being a nurse anymore(my Grandpa had numerous medical issues). Julian is NOT a replacement for my Grandpa and she is not a replacement for his wife but they need each other and it works for them.

    His family has not been as supportive of mine and it makes my Grandma very sad but the fact that we support them means the world to both of them.

    Its a tough situation but maybe he can find someone that will make him smile each day and it will all be ok in the end.
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    #8
    hugs, people deal with grief differently. I lost my mom over a year ago after a long battle with kidney failure. my dad has just now started cleaning out her stuff.
    my dad is disabled so there will not be any dating. but I know he is very lonely without my mom.

    it is hard to be supportive, and you only have to accept that he is trying to move on.
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    #9
    I think it is totally normal at this point for you to have your defenses up towards your father's new love interest. Whenever you lose someone you loved dearly, of course it'll be difficult to move on and try to fill the void. Everyone deals with the loss of a loved one differently, and your dad is probably really lonely without your mom. I wouldn't blame him for trying to put something, someone back into that hole in his heart. Eventually you will learn to move on with the loss of your mother, just in your own way. Just stick it out for a bit longer, maybe you'll learn to like his new lady friend
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    #10
    I'm very sorry, I know that's got to be hard for you

    When one of my bff's in high school lost her mom to a car accident, her dad starting dating again shortly after..she had a very hard time with it, but her counselor told her that it was a healthy sign for her dad, that getting abck into the dating world quickly meant he had an excellent relationship with his late wife. Although it was still hard for her to see her dad with someone other than her mom, that fact brought her some comfort at the time.
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