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Thread: Feeling desperate, please help

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    #1

    Feeling desperate, please help

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    Hello all, I'm new here, but I didn't know where else to go. I'm desperate for help and in need of advice. My husband and I have been together for 8 yrs., married 5 yrs. This is his first year in the Navy and we are at his first duty station, he completed his first year in just last month so we are very new to all of this. Things have been incredibly hard on both of us. We moved from the mid-west to California leaving behind everything we ever knew. He decided to join the Navy because he thought it would give us both opportunities and a chance at a better life. He repeated over and over again that he was doing this to take care of us. I initially didn't want him to join, but he wanted it so badly, so I agreed and gave my support. Now here we are.

    Things have been very difficult for us. I had trouble finding work when we moved and when I finally did the hours have been bad and it is stressful and emotionally draining (call center, bill collector). The pay is low and benefits are awful. I have a college degree but cannot find work suitable to my degree level and experience. I'm stuck in entry level work. I also haven't had an easy time adjusting and I haven't met or made any friends. I feel isolated, alone, stressed, anxious, depressed and unimportant. My husband is stationed on a ship and works long strenuous hours as well as being on a tough duty section. He doesn't get enough sleep and often runs on 2-5 hrs of sleep and lots of coffee and cigarettes. He recently made rank and has been given 3x as much responsibility and new and important job duties. He's incredibly stressed and worried all the time. His underway schedule has also been bumped up and in the coming months he will be out to sea for weeks and weeks. He is supposed to deploy sometime next year and it really bothers him. I won't be seeing him except on weekends for the next month or so do to work schedule, underways and duty days.

    I've been feeling for sometime that he has been distant and cold to me. He doesn't take an interest in me or listen to what I feel or have to say. He has been very selfish and self centered. He wants to spend all of his free time with his friends (who are all 20-22, he is 30) and blow our money. He dumps all his problems and stresses on me but when I want to talk he isn't interested and doesn't listen. He has been emotionally unavailable for several months. We have been trying to spend more time together but I can tell we are both miserable. I can tell that it is work for him and he fakes a lot of things. He tries to hold my hand or hug me but there is no feeling in it and I can tell he isn't into it. When I try to talk to him he becomes angry and defensive or he completely shuts down and doesn't say anything at all. He has started smoking again and has started drinking more. We have a dog who he used to love and play with, but lately he only complains about him, ignores him, and last night he even hit him out of anger. He said he feels stressed to the point of breaking, that all he wants to do is smoke and drink, and that the only emotion he feels is guilt over his decision to go into the Navy and for "ruining" my life. He also does nothing around the house. I work full time and get home late, yet I manage the money, pay all bills, do all the chores and cleaning, grocery shopping, pet care, and car maintenance. I even take care of his uniforms. The only thing he does is put away his laundry (sometimes) and maybe once a week he will do the dishes if I ask or he is feeling particularly guilty.

    Recently, things took a turn for the worst when he sat me down the other night to tell me that the relationship isn't working, he doesn't think he is in love with me anymore and that he thinks we need to separate. He said he wants to be alone and doesn't want to be emotionally attached to anyone. I asked if there was someone else or if he had been cheating and he said no, I believe him. He said he is still physically attracted to me and finds me desirable in that way. I told him that I loved him and wanted to work on this, that I felt separation would only lead to the end of the relationship and he agreed to work on things but said he needed time to figure things out and wants me to be patient. We sort of made up, he told me he loved me and hadn't felt so close to me in a long time. The next few days were rough, he was just as distant and cold as ever. It was like everything he said a few nights before was a lie. We keep trying to talk about things but it seems more and more as the days go by that he has made up his mind that it just isn't going to work. We haven't even started trying to fix anything. I suggested we both go to counseling separately to work on some issues and then later follow up with some couples counseling. He agreed but keeps telling me it won't change anything, that he doesn't understand how it could help. He also tells me that he cares for me and wants to take care of me but that he feels that whatever we lost he can't get back. He said he has felt like this before throughout the years but that things always got better and the feelings came back, but now he says it isn't coming back and he doesn't know how to get it. I think he has himself convinced that nothing will work and that we should quit. I suggested last night that we give each other space so that he can figure things out and I can try to take care of myself. I even suggested that we not focus on the relationship romantically, and just try to figure ourselves out for a while and we can live like roommates. Again, he said okay but that he doesn't think it will make a difference. I have a counseling session scheduled for next week and he also made one for himself for next week sometime.

    I feel so lost and so alone. He was my best friend and love of my life and now it's as though I don't even know him anymore. I still love him, but there is no connection. I also don't know if it is a problem with me, a problem with him, or us together, or if it's just the lifestyle and the job. I don't know, maybe it is a combination of things bringing all of this out. He is so back and forth on a lot of things and I feel like he is leading me on and leaving me hanging. He says one thing and does another. He tells me one thing and then changes his mind. Every time we talk he doesn't seem to know what he wants exactly and he cannot give me a yes or no answer. I know he is confused but it's really hurting me. I don't know if I should stay or if I should go. He says part of him wants to work on things and then part of him wants to call it quits. I don't want to give up on him or us, but I also don't want to stay and continually be strung along waiting for him to make up his mind. I have taken down all of our pictures together and I have stopped wearing my wedding rings, it all just feels like a lie and I can't bare to look at them.

    I guess what I am asking is for any thoughts or insights, advice, or opinions. Anything. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do? How do I get through this? Is separation a good idea and will it help or will it hurt? Should I just leave? I feel like I'm going crazy. I know others have been through worse with abuse and infidelity. I feel like this would be easier for me if it were one of those things because then I would leave. I don't want to give up. I really want to try to work on this and I don't want to throw away what we have (or had). I'm confident that we could work through this if he would be willing to try and give it time.

    If you read my novel, thank you. I appreciate getting all of this out and off my chest and I appreciate any insight or advice that you could give.

    If it helps here is some back story on us:
    No history of cheating on either side, no abuse, no drug abuse though he has started drinking more he isn't alcoholic, we don't have any children and I'm not expecting, we don't have any major money problems though money isn't that great right now, neither of us have any medical issues (though psychologically I am starting to wonder), no stresses with family or friends, this is the first major issue that we have had in our marriage
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    #2
    What can you do? If he says it isnt working are you going to stay there and be miserable? Is he angry towards you or mean more than he is nice?
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    I don't want to stay and be miserable, we haven't tried to fix anything yet and I want to give it a chance. I guess I am just confused and unsure of what to do. He hasn't been mean to me, mostly distant and closed off. He still talks to me and last night he brought me home a drink, did dishes and even hugged me a bunch of times. I'm getting mixed signals a lot.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by BGee012 View Post
    I don't want to stay and be miserable, we haven't tried to fix anything yet and I want to give it a chance. I guess I am just confused and unsure of what to do. He hasn't been mean to me, mostly distant and closed off. He still talks to me and last night he brought me home a drink, did dishes and even hugged me a bunch of times. I'm getting mixed signals a lot.
    I would def. aim towards couples counseling. I'm sorry your going through this its rough
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    I think it sounds like both of you have a lot of processing and exploring and understanding to do as individuals and eventually as a couple. It sounds like you are unhappy with your current situation. You are upset with his behaviour, but it sounds like you are giving him the same kind of vibe. You want him to be better for you - but you sound just as lost and uninterested as he does.

    He hit you dog out of anger? Pretty fucking unacceptable to me. That's not ok. Many deal with stress from work, distance, displacement, etc and do not turn to physical abuse. I would work on removing the dog from this situation 'cause that's just horrifying.

    Time to make something different happen. You can't keep doing the same thing, living the same way and expect to wake up and it be a different day where life is perfect. What is going to make him happy? Less stressed? You do not deserve to live with a loose cannon who is unavailable to you and your needs. I think you need to work on making you happy and healthy and confident and stable before you can work on helping your DH and his problems. I would hope he would take the same approach.

    I sincerely hope you are able to find help.
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    #6
    http://www.militaryonesource.mil/

    You and your husband are eligible for counseling (see the first tab on the link above.) You can actually get help online or by telephone this afternoon by calling.

    As PP noted, the escalation (violence toward the doggity-dog) is a HUGE red flag. Please call or e-mail them and get started on getting professional help.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by BGee012 View Post
    Hello all, I'm new here, but I didn't know where else to go. I'm desperate for help and in need of advice. My husband and I have been together for 8 yrs., married 5 yrs. This is his first year in the Navy and we are at his first duty station, he completed his first year in just last month so we are very new to all of this. Things have been incredibly hard on both of us. We moved from the mid-west to California leaving behind everything we ever knew. He decided to join the Navy because he thought it would give us both opportunities and a chance at a better life. He repeated over and over again that he was doing this to take care of us. I initially didn't want him to join, but he wanted it so badly, so I agreed and gave my support. Now here we are.

    Things have been very difficult for us. I had trouble finding work when we moved and when I finally did the hours have been bad and it is stressful and emotionally draining (call center, bill collector). The pay is low and benefits are awful. I have a college degree but cannot find work suitable to my degree level and experience. I'm stuck in entry level work. I also haven't had an easy time adjusting and I haven't met or made any friends. I feel isolated, alone, stressed, anxious, depressed and unimportant. My husband is stationed on a ship and works long strenuous hours as well as being on a tough duty section. He doesn't get enough sleep and often runs on 2-5 hrs of sleep and lots of coffee and cigarettes. He recently made rank and has been given 3x as much responsibility and new and important job duties. He's incredibly stressed and worried all the time. His underway schedule has also been bumped up and in the coming months he will be out to sea for weeks and weeks. He is supposed to deploy sometime next year and it really bothers him. I won't be seeing him except on weekends for the next month or so do to work schedule, underways and duty days.

    I've been feeling for sometime that he has been distant and cold to me. He doesn't take an interest in me or listen to what I feel or have to say. He has been very selfish and self centered. He wants to spend all of his free time with his friends (who are all 20-22, he is 30) and blow our money. He dumps all his problems and stresses on me but when I want to talk he isn't interested and doesn't listen. He has been emotionally unavailable for several months. We have been trying to spend more time together but I can tell we are both miserable. I can tell that it is work for him and he fakes a lot of things. He tries to hold my hand or hug me but there is no feeling in it and I can tell he isn't into it. When I try to talk to him he becomes angry and defensive or he completely shuts down and doesn't say anything at all. He has started smoking again and has started drinking more. We have a dog who he used to love and play with, but lately he only complains about him, ignores him, and last night he even hit him out of anger. He said he feels stressed to the point of breaking, that all he wants to do is smoke and drink, and that the only emotion he feels is guilt over his decision to go into the Navy and for "ruining" my life. He also does nothing around the house. I work full time and get home late, yet I manage the money, pay all bills, do all the chores and cleaning, grocery shopping, pet care, and car maintenance. I even take care of his uniforms. The only thing he does is put away his laundry (sometimes) and maybe once a week he will do the dishes if I ask or he is feeling particularly guilty.

    Recently, things took a turn for the worst when he sat me down the other night to tell me that the relationship isn't working, he doesn't think he is in love with me anymore and that he thinks we need to separate. He said he wants to be alone and doesn't want to be emotionally attached to anyone. I asked if there was someone else or if he had been cheating and he said no, I believe him. He said he is still physically attracted to me and finds me desirable in that way. I told him that I loved him and wanted to work on this, that I felt separation would only lead to the end of the relationship and he agreed to work on things but said he needed time to figure things out and wants me to be patient. We sort of made up, he told me he loved me and hadn't felt so close to me in a long time. The next few days were rough, he was just as distant and cold as ever. It was like everything he said a few nights before was a lie. We keep trying to talk about things but it seems more and more as the days go by that he has made up his mind that it just isn't going to work. We haven't even started trying to fix anything. I suggested we both go to counseling separately to work on some issues and then later follow up with some couples counseling. He agreed but keeps telling me it won't change anything, that he doesn't understand how it could help. He also tells me that he cares for me and wants to take care of me but that he feels that whatever we lost he can't get back. He said he has felt like this before throughout the years but that things always got better and the feelings came back, but now he says it isn't coming back and he doesn't know how to get it. I think he has himself convinced that nothing will work and that we should quit. I suggested last night that we give each other space so that he can figure things out and I can try to take care of myself. I even suggested that we not focus on the relationship romantically, and just try to figure ourselves out for a while and we can live like roommates. Again, he said okay but that he doesn't think it will make a difference. I have a counseling session scheduled for next week and he also made one for himself for next week sometime.

    I feel so lost and so alone. He was my best friend and love of my life and now it's as though I don't even know him anymore. I still love him, but there is no connection. I also don't know if it is a problem with me, a problem with him, or us together, or if it's just the lifestyle and the job. I don't know, maybe it is a combination of things bringing all of this out. He is so back and forth on a lot of things and I feel like he is leading me on and leaving me hanging. He says one thing and does another. He tells me one thing and then changes his mind. Every time we talk he doesn't seem to know what he wants exactly and he cannot give me a yes or no answer. I know he is confused but it's really hurting me. I don't know if I should stay or if I should go. He says part of him wants to work on things and then part of him wants to call it quits. I don't want to give up on him or us, but I also don't want to stay and continually be strung along waiting for him to make up his mind. I have taken down all of our pictures together and I have stopped wearing my wedding rings, it all just feels like a lie and I can't bare to look at them.

    I guess what I am asking is for any thoughts or insights, advice, or opinions. Anything. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do? How do I get through this? Is separation a good idea and will it help or will it hurt? Should I just leave? I feel like I'm going crazy. I know others have been through worse with abuse and infidelity. I feel like this would be easier for me if it were one of those things because then I would leave. I don't want to give up. I really want to try to work on this and I don't want to throw away what we have (or had). I'm confident that we could work through this if he would be willing to try and give it time.

    If you read my novel, thank you. I appreciate getting all of this out and off my chest and I appreciate any insight or advice that you could give.

    If it helps here is some back story on us:
    No history of cheating on either side, no abuse, no drug abuse though he has started drinking more he isn't alcoholic, we don't have any children and I'm not expecting, we don't have any major money problems though money isn't that great right now, neither of us have any medical issues (though psychologically I am starting to wonder), no stresses with family or friends, this is the first major issue that we have had in our marriage
    Quote Originally Posted by BGee012 View Post
    I don't want to stay and be miserable, we haven't tried to fix anything yet and I want to give it a chance. I guess I am just confused and unsure of what to do. He hasn't been mean to me, mostly distant and closed off. He still talks to me and last night he brought me home a drink, did dishes and even hugged me a bunch of times. I'm getting mixed signals a lot.
    Given the apparent escalation to the point of violence (dog, you, etc - does matter -- violence is violence) I think the time has come to separate so that everyone can be in a place of safety. Once that has happened you can both evaluate where you want to go from there. If both of you want to try to salvage the relationship you need to reach out to the resources mentioned above to secure some counseling to help you do that. In addition, he should work with someone on an individual basis to help him sort through the things that are leading to this point. If he is not willing to do individual or couples counseling, you can (and should, imo) still seek some individual counseling for yourself.
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    #8
    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this Please use the resources available to you to speak to someone.

    I know how hard it is to move somewhere and not make friends quickly, I can't imagine dealing with that on top of problems in your marriage.

    Hang in there.
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    #9
    Have you watched the move fireproof? It would be a good place to start and watch with your husband.
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    I going to tell you like i would any friend. It sound like he has made it very clear to you ( verbally and with his actions) that your relationship is over that its not working. You also sound like you are miserable. sound like he is making you miserable and your making yourself miserable by thinking with your heart and reading into him when he is treating you like a friend not a wife. Couples therapy will only work if both parties are willing to work on things and its sounds like he just slat out don't want to. You suggested you guys live like roommates and he agreed but it sound like that won't work either since you guys are emotionally involved and will take every nice thing said or done to heart. To me it sound like the relationship is over and has been for a while. Your emotionally trying to hold on to something that's no longer there. Leave before things get to bad and maybe you guys can find your way back to each other and build a new relationship instead of fixing one that can't be fixed. focus on you and your needs. go out and meet new friend and make yourself happy and please keep that poor dog safe. If you aren't happy how can you expect to make someone else happy? How do you you expect him to make you happy if your both miserable around each other? I know it's extremely hard to leave someone you love and have been a big part of your life for year trust me I know. When there comes a point when you have to choose you or him you have to do whats best for you. I'm sorry your hurting and I hope everything turns out for the best.

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