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Thread: Working through it all.

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    Chomper.'s Avatar
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    #1

    Working through it all.

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    So my DH and I hit what seemed like an infinitely rough place in our marriage. I'm not going to go into private details out in the forum, though feel free to PM if you want, but basically, divorce definitely seemed like it was going to happen. I was extremely unhappy, and we both, but I especially, dealt with it in bad ways. So like 3 weeks ago, divorce seems inevitable and definite. We didn't talk for like a week+, while we both sorted out what to do, which helped, I think.

    It's strange but that distance helped me realize that losing him was not the answer I wanted in my life. What I want is to change things for us. Not the good things, but the way we communicate, the way we love each other (to a degree), the way we fight and our own personal turmoils. The problem is, my DH and I are not necessarily 100% on the same page. There is still a lot of anger and hurt on both sides of the equation. I don't expect overnight change but it is rough. Really rough.

    I'm trying so hard and I will never give up, but I am in constant emotional turmoil and it's taking a toll on me (I don't really sleep or eat, I am consumed with anxiety). It doesn't really help that he is away and we won't see each other in person for about 3 weeks (we'll have been apart for 2 months when we see each other again). Our communications are limited to brief text messages, and we talk about 3-5 hours a day on the phone (no joke). Our phone calls tend to start out really hostile, and end on a softer note by the time he is ready to go to bed. Sometimes that softer note is forced by one or both of us, just because I think we both know better than to go to bed mad.

    My question is... has anyone else hit a spot like this in their marriage or long term relationship and actually managed to work through it? What had to change? How do you pull out of hitting rock bottom?

    I guess I could just really use some advice from someone who has been there, or someone who is willing to just say what they think even. I don't care if it's a cold hard truth. I know my posts about this have been all over the place, which is actually true of my entire life right now but I'm willing to explain where I am at right now.
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    #2
    I have no advice since I've never been there just and I hope you work guys are able to work things out.
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    Yes we did. It was our first yesr of marriage. He didn't want to be married. We sort of separated for a month. Slept in different room, don't depend on each other, etc. in the end we made it work.
    Since then we have also gone to marriage counseling once since then. That was also another marriage saver for us. Our Chaplin wash just right for us for the mot part, and really helped pull us in the right direction.
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    #4
    I have no advice I'm sorry
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by GingerGirl15 View Post
    I have no advice since I've never been there just and I hope you work guys are able to work things out.
    Quote Originally Posted by casper02 View Post
    I have no advice I'm sorry
    Thank you. =]

    Quote Originally Posted by Mac N Cheese View Post
    Yes we did. It was our first yesr of marriage. He didn't want to be married. We sort of separated for a month. Slept in different room, don't depend on each other, etc. in the end we made it work.
    Since then we have also gone to marriage counseling once since then. That was also another marriage saver for us. Our Chaplin wash just right for us for the mot part, and really helped pull us in the right direction.
    I'm pretty sure counseling is our next step, whenever we may reach that. I feel like we could both use individual help, as well as couples therapy. We just hit our second year of marriage, so it's a similar time period of early marriage. Our old ways of communicating and fighting are just not good enough anymore.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Chomper. View Post


    I'm pretty sure counseling is our next step, whenever we may reach that. I feel like we could both use individual help, as well as couples therapy. We just hit our second year of marriage, so it's a similar time period of early marriage. Our old ways of communicating and fighting are just not good enough anymore.
    I would suggest that it might be a good time to go ahead and take one of those next steps - if you don't think he is ready to agree to the couples approach just yet, start the individual work for yourself. Progress you make on the individual side may be the push he might need to be ready for couple's work, and even if it isn't you are still getting yourself to a better place.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Chomper. View Post
    I'm pretty sure counseling is our next step, whenever we may reach that. I feel like we could both use individual help, as well as couples therapy. We just hit our second year of marriage, so it's a similar time period of early marriage. Our old ways of communicating and fighting are just not good enough anymore.
    I was going to suggest individual work + couples therapy... But I wouldn't wait another second to at least start individual therapy. Yes, he won't be home for another few weeks, but in that time you can have you intake set up and completed, and start creating a stable foundation for yourself.

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