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Thread: Frustration.. need help!!

  1. Regular Member
    emjwes's Avatar
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    #1

    Help Frustration.. need help!!

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    My DB has recently switched phases in AIT training to where he can go off base for a few days. Prior to then, he always called me and I made time for him to. But obviously, now that he has this new form of freedom, each week I've been getting less and less of his time (don't get to talk to him at all on his full day, around 30 mins Sundays but rushed off the phone so he can study since it's the evening.. 10-20 mins on Friday).

    I understand that he needs time to go out and be free.. but I feel like he's setting me to the side. He tells me to put my life on hold and wait for him while he's gone.. but he doesn't seem to be putting the time he spends communicating with me at any priority other than something he could squeeze in quickly at the end of the night before he's either passing out or realizing he needs to study.

    I have tried to tell him subtly that I really miss him and want to talk to him and that we could talk longer, but it seems like maybe I'm being too subtle. But, if I bring it up stronger.. I feel as though maybe I might come off naggy? I don't want to push him away.. but I feel like I'm being pushed away, whether he intends it or not.

    I'm certain some of the distancing could be due to the newness of him having freedom.. I'm just scared he might form a habit, and really don't know the best way to bring up my concerns delicately (I've been in near explosion mode lately due to his spending and claims that I might not be able to visit longer due to lack of funds... hmm?). I also want to know if maybe I'm being a bit impatient and should wait until a certain time before discussing my worries.
  2. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by emjwes View Post
    He tells me to put my life on hold and wait for him while he's gone..
    HUGE red flag right there. That sounds incredibly controlling and disrespectful. You're supposed to just put your life on hold and mope around until he deigns to give you call? Love is wanting your partner to be happy and fulfilled, not treating them like a toy to be put away in a closet when it's not being played with. Of course you feel set off to the side!

    I don't think stating your needs is naggy at all. This is an important part of LDR - establishing boundaries and expectations. If he refuses to address those issues and turns the blame around on you, that's just another red flag.

    Please be careful, no one deserves to be treated like that.
  3. Old Newbie
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    #3
    I feel like that is a valid concern and, in my experience anyway, waiting to talk about things like that usually leads to more problems. I think it might be best to talk to him about it honestly. You don't have to nag him about it, maybe just express that you're feeling more distance and want to work together to figure out a way to talk more. He might not even realize what's going on because his life out there is getting busier while yours seems to be staying relatively the same.

    Whatever you decide, good luck & best wishes!
  4. Senior Member
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    HUGE red flag right there. That sounds incredibly controlling and disrespectful. You're supposed to just put your life on hold and mope around until he deigns to give you call? Love is wanting your partner to be happy and fulfilled, not treating them like a toy to be put away in a closet when it's not being played with. Of course you feel set off to the side!

    I don't think stating your needs is naggy at all. This is an important part of LDR - establishing boundaries and expectations. If he refuses to address those issues and turns the blame around on you, that's just another red flag.

    Please be careful, no one deserves to be treated like that.
    I couldn't believe I read that! How inconsiderate.
  5. Senior Member
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    #5
    Is your DB at Fort Sam? That's where DF is so I'm curious. I don't think there's much excuse for him not talking to you because DF has his freedom and we probably talk more now. Sure, they need to study BUT not all day! It also depends what he's doing with his free time because DF mentioned that most recruits get wasted on the weekends, that's why Fort Sam got their overnight privileges taken away because they had problems with underage drinking and what not (that's assuming your DB is at Fort Sam) I'd talk to him about it, nothing says you have to start a fight but you can at least see why he's not giving you the attention you need, especially if he expects you to put your life on hold for him


  6. Senior Member
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    HUGE red flag right there. That sounds incredibly controlling and disrespectful. You're supposed to just put your life on hold and mope around until he deigns to give you call? Love is wanting your partner to be happy and fulfilled, not treating them like a toy to be put away in a closet when it's not being played with. Of course you feel set off to the side!

    I don't think stating your needs is naggy at all. This is an important part of LDR - establishing boundaries and expectations. If he refuses to address those issues and turns the blame around on you, that's just another red flag.

    Please be careful, no one deserves to be treated like that.

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