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Thread: Elder Exploitation? (so this is long)

  1. Regular Member
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    #1

    Bang Head Elder Exploitation? (so this is long)

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    I have a cousin, we'll call her T, and she has always been incredibly manipulative, cunning, and ruthless. I'm fairly certain she'd qualify as a psychopath. People are not people to her, including her own husband and children. They are pawns to be used and thrown away once their usefulness has worn out. No joke, but she only married her husband because he could cook, clean, and look after the kids while she worked on her businesses. She's also isolated both her daughters from the world as much as she can so she can fill their heads with 'mommy dearest knows best'. The kids are like just robotic, there's like no personality or life to them at all. It's really disturbing.

    T has always been my grandma's favorite grandchild. She's like this poster child superstar or something because she's so smart. The rest of us usually feel like we're some sort of disappointment or inferior, though my grandma has never, ever come out and said that to any of us. She really doesn't see how differently she treats us from T, and frankly we're confused because T is not a nice person. Oh, she is sickly sweet, but it's creepy because it's obviously fake. Not to grandma though. The rest of us roll with it. I won't say it's not hurtful, because it is, but that's just how it goes in our family so we don't make a big deal over the blatant favoritism.

    10 years ago my grandma lost my grandpa. They had been married almost 50 years. It really hit her hard to be without him. She and my grandpa did a lot for T. They helped pay for her college (she has a phd now), they drove her up weekly to the private school she decided to go to, when she got pregnant they (and my aunt) took care of her daughter while she was at school, the helped her raise her as well, paying for medical bills, toys, clothes, you name it. After my grandpa died, my grandma inherited all the family money because shortly after his death, his sister and brother passed away as well. So grandma was suddenly loaded, and my aunt and my dad got a fair portion as well.

    Well, things were hunky dory until my aunt and grandma learned T's husband had been abusing her oldest daughter (which is not her husband's child). T did nothing about it. In fact, she got mad at my aunt and grandma and moved the entire family two states away. We didn't hear from them for years and it tore my grandma apart with worry for those girls. Eventually T let them call my grandma from time to time (but not my aunt), and T's brother offered to drive my grandma down there for a visit. That went badly, as my grandma told T she couldn't understand why she was still married to a man who abuses her kids. T left my grandma, who has health problems, at a large international airport by herself. Literally on the front steps.

    Fast forward a few years and my aunt comes down with cancer. None of us have seen T or her family in like five years (my grandma had their address to send them gifts and stuff, but that was it). T suddenly shows up a week before her mom dies. She knew her mom was sick for about a year and never contacted her once. At the funeral, T and her family are sitting in the front of the church, LAUGHING and carrying on like they're at some sort of family BBQ. Then she gets on stage and gives this huge speech about how amazing HER life has been and how awesome her kids are. I kid you not. It was so horrid that we actually had friends of the family call and apologize for this woman most of them never met. They were appalled by her.

    Anyway, after my aunt passes away, T blackmails my uncle (he was an abusive alcoholic) into giving her part of the house. The she discovers my aunt has given her daughter's share of the inheritance over to her son for safe keeping until they are 23. T is just livid over this, especially when her brother won't give her the money. She shows my grandma some heated emails between her and her brother, then tells my grandma that her brother is keeping the money for himself, and for some crazyass reason, she believes her. Now my grandma will have nothing to do with him. More craziness ensues, T ticks off my dad which is always a bad idea and he sends them packing.

    T still comes sniffing around, she's buddying up to my grandma slowly, dangling the great grandkids in front of her like some sort of prize if she does what T wants. My grandma is absolutely devastated by the loss of my aunt. She's depressed and lonely, despite the rest of us trying to take time out of our lives to spend time with her and keep her company. T eventually moves a little closer and starts spending more time with grandma. Grandma starts helping her out with small things. T slowly paints herself as the only one who cares because she's around all the time and we aren't (she runs her own business from home and can pretty much work whenever she wants to). Grandma buys it hook, line and sinker.

    So the small things become bigger things. More money for the girls, helping out with moving T even closer, etc. T is over there more and more, but mind you, she never, ever helps my grandma out. Ever. It's always my dad, my mom, or my son who do things around the house for her, take her to doctor appointments, etc. T just brings her kids over (who are teenagers now), buys them pizza, and occasionally takes grandma on short road trips.

    So, a couple months ago I went and had lunch with my grandma. I over heard her on the phone telling the bank to transfer 30k over to 'her'. I knew that 'her' was T. I called my parents and told them I was concerned. Last week, we learn that my grandma gave 100k to T so she could by another house. SHE HAS THREE ALREADY. 100k!

    Oh my god, my dad was soooo angry. He went over to my grandma's house and tried to explain to her that she needed that money to live off of. My grandma told my dad that she was just giving T her part of the inheritance. My dad told her, "No, what you did was give T money you might need in the future to survive. You could live another 20 years, mom. Not only that, you just short changed everyone else who is entitled to a portion of the family inheritance because that pot shrinks as you use it." Mind you, none of us care about if we get money or not, we're really worried about grandma because if my dad, who has had cancer twice already, gets sick again, none of us can afford to take care of her (she's 80). She told my dad she wrote T out of the will, but then refused to let him see it. She has always, always, ALWAYS relied on my dad to take care of her finances and stuff. Now she's hiding things from him.

    THEN yesterday she tells my dad T told her that she needed 30k for a new car.

    W. T. F.

    My family doesn't know what to do. T is clearly exploiting my grandma. My dad knows that if he says or does anything against T, my grandma very well might write him off. He doesn't care about money, but he cares about his mom and he knows this is what T has been setting us all up for. We look bad no matter what we do now, and she's going to rush in and be the good guy. We're at loss. Do we get a lawyer? Do we contact DSHS? Do we confront T? I mean, does this qualify as elder abuse? Do any of you have any experience with this sort of mess?
  2. i will NOT limbo in Idaho
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    #2
    I have no idea what to do! That's insane! All I have are and that somehow someone can get through to your grandmother so she realizes she's being taken advantage of!
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    #3
    If grandma is of sound mine, these are her choices to make.

    This girl sounds like she has a personality disorder, but she's been catered to her whole life.
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    #4
    Unfortunately, unless you can prove that your grandma isn't capable of managing her affairs at all anymore, there's nothing you can do about it. She has the right to choose what she wishes to do with her money, even if it is on something nobody else agrees with.
    It sucks, but oftentimes it takes people a long time to realize that someone is using them. My uncle mooched off my grandparents significantly until he was 40 years old. Luckily he finally got his head on straight less than a year before my grandpa died and my grandma's income got cut in half.
  5. Kas
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    #5
    We have the same problem with my aunt. We conforted my grandmother and aunt together. Complete discussion and a year later back to like it was. And prayers for your family!
  6. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by watrfall86 View Post
    Unfortunately, unless you can prove that your grandma isn't capable of managing her affairs at all anymore, there's nothing you can do about it. She has the right to choose what she wishes to do with her money, even if it is on something nobody else agrees with.
    It sucks, but oftentimes it takes people a long time to realize that someone is using them. My uncle mooched off my grandparents significantly until he was 40 years old. Luckily he finally got his head on straight less than a year before my grandpa died and my grandma's income got cut in half.


    Probably the best that you could do is contact Adult Protective Services and explain that she's being financially exploited but your grandmother would have to voluntarily allow them to open an investigation if she is competant.
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    #7
    I'd say at least go talk to a lawyer. They will either say theres nothing you can do or they will give you options. Since your dad has aleady been handling her financial affairs there may be more options than you think. It's worth talking to someone about. Hugs to you.
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    #8
    If grandma is of sound mind, there's little to be done. The law doesn't protect people from doing stupid things. People have a right to spend their money as they see fit, and even if you think they aren't good decisions, they are grandma's decisions to make.

    It is probably worth a call to adult protective services, but I wouldn't count on getting much, if any, assistance.

    I'm sorry this is happening and that your grandma is being taken advantage of.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by deedsnotwords View Post
    Not only that, you just short changed everyone else who is entitled to a portion of the family inheritance because that pot shrinks as you use it."
    wat

    Moving on, seems like a real manipulative woman. I know my wife can be but jesus this is something else.
  10. Looking for the sunshine...
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    #10
    Unless your Dad has her POA over her finances there is nothing that can be done...
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