Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: Family Putting You Down

  1. was ncgirl
    LittleBlueFishie's Avatar
    LittleBlueFishie is offline
    was ncgirl
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    6,567
    #1

    Family Putting You Down

    Advertisements
    How would you respond to family members putting you down?

    My family seems to have no problem telling me mean things even when I bring it to their attention and tell them that I don't appreciate it. I just spent 3 days with them on "vacation" and am really down after dealing w/ it.

    For example:

    I wear my hair natural and dont wear make often. I had some self confidence issues a little while back and being natural has helped me feel good about myself. So, I was taking a picture on my phone (no make up or hair done) and my mom said, "I hope you're not sending that to your DH, after not seeing you for 2 weeks I know that is not what he wants to see."

    I was told in some way at least 10 times I am not adequate in some capacity. I even got a lecture on how I need to be careful b/c other women can sniff out a good man and I need to be able to compete for my husband. (this particular conversation was about my fleece pullover being only purposeful and not "sexy" and purposeful)

    I have distanced myself a lot and we've made a lot of progress with our relationship over the last few yeras. But this hasn't gotten any better. I dont so much care like I used to before, now it just pisses me off. I've tried talking to them but they just say Im dramatic or overly emotional, they aren't ones to talk about emotions.

    Any advice? It makes me cringe being around them. I want a relationship, but not one that I am constantly disrespected in. Im not sure how to get them to stop it with the comments.


    Adventures In Love
    Follow Me: http://inthemiddletoday.blogspot.com/<----Started blogging again Updated 9/06/2012
    yeah, after a very long time of not using it I am trying to blog again!
  2. I enjoy messing with people ;)
    Contra's Avatar
    Contra is offline
    I enjoy messing with people ;)
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    LA, CA / FLW, MO
    Posts
    1,292
    #2
    Ouch... I know the feeling. My parents have always been hypercritical of my appearance and abilities and very, very rare to compliment or encourage. It definitely hurts, and scarred my childhood a good bit. However, the comments toward you and your DH? In all honesty, your family might mean well about all that. Maybe in their minds, appearances are an incredibly important aspect of life. They may not be considerate of emotions, but appearance seems to be a very big thing to them from your descriptions.

    It seems like they refuse to honor your emotions. If I were you, I would be finished bending to their antics. As a grown woman, even if they are family, they need to respect your decisions, especially your relationship with your DH. Their comments are snide and inappropriate, and I would tell them so, especially because compared to you, they have no knowledge on "what DH wants", and they need to realize that, emotions aside, what they are saying is just not acceptable.
    Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.
    - Roger de Bussy-Rabutin



    "You mean every little bitty thing, and every super huge thing to me."
  3. Pour a little salt, we were never here
    [his] lobster's Avatar
    [his] lobster is offline
    Pour a little salt, we were never here
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    8,737

    #3
    my mom sometimes used to say weird stuff to me like that...I don't wear make up, don't care much about my hair, and used to wear a lot of mens clothes (I switched to womens but it's still like hiking/outdoor stuff). My mom would say "you have to throw those shorts away when you get a boyfriend" or "you can't take that shirt when you move in with (my husband)"....but she pretty much stopped once she got to know my husband, and how little he cares about my looks (he told me once "babe, I'm so glad you don't wear make up...because if you did, it would take you so much longer to get ready!" ...gee thanks)

    I guess I have no advice, but I have had similar things said...if it doesn't matter to your husband, don't give their comments a second thought.
  4. I just can't even...
    Hottie.'s Avatar
    Hottie. is offline
    I just can't even...
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Alerbamer
    Posts
    18,159
    Blog Entries
    2
    #4


    I'm sorry you had to deal with that. So here's the thing- you don't have to put up with it. They can't respect you apparently. So break it down. Tell them if they want to be in your life tell them that you will not accept their disrespect anymore. Let them call you dramatic. But they will be the ones losing out if they can't learn to respect you.

    Give them an ultimatum. It's not hard to follow- all the have to do is either say something nice or say nothing at all. You don't deserve to be put down all the time by people who are supposed to accept you without judgement.
  5. S&M
    BABY!!
    S&M's Avatar
    S&M is offline
    BABY!!
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Norfolk, Va
    Posts
    354
    Blog Entries
    6
    #5
    : I am sorry. I am use to that but that is just how my family is. That is how they grew up and how their parents grew up. I am the only in the family that says "i love you" to EVERYONE in my family. I am not saying it is okay, but are they like that with everyone in your family? maybe if you keep telling them and letting them know and give them consequences if they continue to do it. i know it sounds harsh for family but it worked on my friends. maybe it will work on family. i hope it works out for you. .
  6. was ncgirl
    LittleBlueFishie's Avatar
    LittleBlueFishie is offline
    was ncgirl
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    6,567
    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by mmmtat View Post
    my mom sometimes used to say weird stuff to me like that...I don't wear make up, don't care much about my hair, and used to wear a lot of mens clothes (I switched to womens but it's still like hiking/outdoor stuff). My mom would say "you have to throw those shorts away when you get a boyfriend" or "you can't take that shirt when you move in with (my husband)"....but she pretty much stopped once she got to know my husband, and how little he cares about my looks (he told me once "babe, I'm so glad you don't wear make up...because if you did, it would take you so much longer to get ready!" ...gee thanks)

    I guess I have no advice, but I have had similar things said...if it doesn't matter to your husband, don't give their comments a second thought.
    that sounds very much like my DH. He likes it when I get dressed up every now and then, but generally he really loves it when Im just myself. I decided to stop highlighting my hair a couple years ago and he says he is so happy I did that, he loves it natural. We're really outdoorsy and active so he would rather see me in hiking boots than heels. I've said this to them but they say that he's just being nice.

    Quote Originally Posted by Contra View Post
    Ouch... I know the feeling. My parents have always been hypercritical of my appearance and abilities and very, very rare to compliment or encourage. It definitely hurts, and scarred my childhood a good bit. However, the comments toward you and your DH? In all honesty, your family might mean well about all that. Maybe in their minds, appearances are an incredibly important aspect of life. They may not be considerate of emotions, but appearance seems to be a very big thing to them from your descriptions.

    It seems like they refuse to honor your emotions. If I were you, I would be finished bending to their antics. As a grown woman, even if they are family, they need to respect your decisions, especially your relationship with your DH. Their comments are snide and inappropriate, and I would tell them so, especially because compared to you, they have no knowledge on "what DH wants", and they need to realize that, emotions aside, what they are saying is just not acceptable.
    This is very true. They don't think what they're saying is bad. They just dont see it because it is more true for them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hottie. View Post


    I'm sorry you had to deal with that. So here's the thing- you don't have to put up with it. They can't respect you apparently. So break it down. Tell them if they want to be in your life tell them that you will not accept their disrespect anymore. Let them call you dramatic. But they will be the ones losing out if they can't learn to respect you.

    Give them an ultimatum. It's not hard to follow- all the have to do is either say something nice or say nothing at all. You don't deserve to be put down all the time by people who are supposed to accept you without judgement.
    Thanks. I hate the ultimatum thing. I've had to resort to that in the past but it is hard on me.

    Quote Originally Posted by S&M View Post
    : I am sorry. I am use to that but that is just how my family is. That is how they grew up and how their parents grew up. I am the only in the family that says "i love you" to EVERYONE in my family. I am not saying it is okay, but are they like that with everyone in your family? maybe if you keep telling them and letting them know and give them consequences if they continue to do it. i know it sounds harsh for family but it worked on my friends. maybe it will work on family. i hope it works out for you. .
    They aren't like that with everyone else because I'm the only one that is into the things Im into, dresses the way I dress, ect.

    What kind of consequences would you suggest? Like an ultimatum like Hottie suggested?


    Adventures In Love
    Follow Me: http://inthemiddletoday.blogspot.com/<----Started blogging again Updated 9/06/2012
    yeah, after a very long time of not using it I am trying to blog again!
  7. Luke 6:37 & Matthew 7:1-2
    WhiskeyGirl's Avatar
    WhiskeyGirl is offline
    Luke 6:37 & Matthew 7:1-2
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    17,208
    Blog Entries
    1
    #7

    I know how you feel. Imo cut them off. That is the only way I got over it.

    Here if you need to talk
    Rissa*Rawr is my Wifey as of 1/24/2012
  8. S&M
    BABY!!
    S&M's Avatar
    S&M is offline
    BABY!!
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Norfolk, Va
    Posts
    354
    Blog Entries
    6
    #8
    Yea exactly. I dont want to say cut them off since they are family, family is super important to me (im a only child and the baby of the family ) so i am super close to everyone.
  9. I just can't even...
    Hottie.'s Avatar
    Hottie. is offline
    I just can't even...
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Alerbamer
    Posts
    18,159
    Blog Entries
    2
    #9
    Just do what works for you. But if you tell them to respect you and they don't and you just let them keep doing it then nothing is going to change.

    You need to figure out what is easier for you. Letting them talk down to you and make you feel poorly ab yourself, or time away from them while they figure out how to respect you.

    If you're not one to make/keep an ultimatum then I hope you can find some way to make them realize they are hurting you.
  10. was ncgirl
    LittleBlueFishie's Avatar
    LittleBlueFishie is offline
    was ncgirl
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    6,567
    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Hottie. View Post
    Just do what works for you. But if you tell them to respect you and they don't and you just let them keep doing it then nothing is going to change.

    You need to figure out what is easier for you. Letting them talk down to you and make you feel poorly ab yourself, or time away from them while they figure out how to respect you.

    If you're not one to make/keep an ultimatum then I hope you can find some way to make them realize they are hurting you.
    You'd think me straight up saying, "uh that is mean, I think I look nice and I dont want to hear otherwise" would give them the realization.

    Its frustrating. Next year DH and I are going to take some time to live somewhere different, like New Zeland different. I think maybe having some serious space for a while will help, maybe.


    Adventures In Love
    Follow Me: http://inthemiddletoday.blogspot.com/<----Started blogging again Updated 9/06/2012
    yeah, after a very long time of not using it I am trying to blog again!
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •