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Thread: i NEED MSOSers advice!! friendship

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    #1

    Help i NEED MSOSers advice!! friendship

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    ok...so i know i have posted a lot of seeking advice posts with the same general theme about friends...but really it's because these are the types of things you go to your friends about, and since it's about them i really can't ask them for advice...which is really why i am relying on MSOSers' insight PLEASE all i want is your philosophy on friendship and expressing concerns with said friends...i have no one else to ask about this and it's driving me nuts! i would LOVE to get more than a response or two then maybe i'll be satisfied enough to stop posting about it

    in a nutshell things have changed amongst most my friends (all out of state, long time friends) and i have also recently changed towards my friends in response. we've all never been much of a stickler for exact calling times (2 days later than you said you'd call? no big deal, it happens) but lately it's been like 2 weeks later... "oh sorry, i was busy." i found myself chasing them around a lot...always the one calling or reminding...which has been fine for years and years but lately i feel it's excessive...so i've taken a backseat and let them take the reins. i feel as though i only hear from them when there is a major crisis in their lives...ok yes, i like that they come to me...but it'd be nice to be able to get a hold of them when i need a shoulder to cry on too...

    in addition to taking a backseat to the contacting, i've also started gently calling them out on certain things. like, oh you've been busy for a month? what have you been busy with? oh, you've been basically doing nothing and staring at a wall because you're so depressed and don't talk to or see anyone? then why are there pics of you on facebook going out with your co workers all the time? the only thing i haven't expressed as much is the fact that they haven't been there for me in my DH's deployment...i did once to the friend who is having problems in her life and i said i'm really having a hard time too, let's be there for one another. do i need to be more explicit about needing them? i feel like standing up for myself has only caused them to be more distant from me...which is kind of unfair. do i just need to continue being silent and fulfill all their needs while i'm left feeling empty? i just don't know anymore

    i konw all of this is amplified because my DH is deployed...so i don't really have his emotional support either. he will be home by the end of the summer and i really wonder if they will freak when i am suddenly occupied and they get a bit of a taste of their own medicine. i know they will be mad, which is ironic that they can't see beforehand that thats what they are doing to me...

    i just think i need a new support system...the one i previously had is falling apart. on a lighter note, a couple friends who normally aren't as involved in my life have started to take a larger role in my life, which i am grateful for. but they don't know me quite as well, so sometimes that is difficult.

    so...whats your friendship philosophy? do i continue to just let them do the contacting? would it be beneficial to point out that i have felt that they haven't really been there for me this whole deployment? let it phase? or go back to how it usually is and just keep my mouth shut?
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    if you don't feel fulfilled in the friendship, i'd say its not a really friendship anymore.

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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by sjmk1 View Post
    if you don't feel fulfilled in the friendship, i'd say its not a really friendship anymore.
    but what does that mean exactly? just stop contacting them? or start ignoring their calls? completely cut them out of my life? you're right, it doesn't feel like a friendship anymore. i just don't know what that means in terms of what i should do though...
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by alice04 View Post
    but what does that mean exactly? just stop contacting them? or start ignoring their calls? completely cut them out of my life? you're right, it doesn't feel like a friendship anymore. i just don't know what that means in terms of what i should do though...
    Distance yourself. I don't know how hard this is for others, but start telling yourself it doesn't matter. There will always be someone who cares for you. But if they don't care the way you want them to, then it's time to take it along. It's your life, and while I firmly believe that difficult situations are always "to each his/her own", I also know that it's impossible to get sympathy from those who won't or just can't give it. IMO, it's time for you to be strong, your problems are too important to yourself to be brushed off by someone else We are always here for you.
    Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.
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    #5
    Sounds like you're putting all the effort into these "friendships". If they're not willing to meet you halfway in the relationship, find some friends who are willing. I know it's frustrating but you'll feel better in the end.

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    #6
    I'm such a coward when it comes to situations like this. I would try and find other ways to get the support I'm seeking.
  7. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #7
    I would focus on developing relationships with these new friends, and step back from the old ones. You don't have to do anything dramatic ... I would just shift my focus elsewhere.
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    #8
    I'm in your same boat hun, I've had the same situation as you're having! "It's just NOT fair." Ugh! I've been trying to move passed them but I just can't take their childishness anymore?! So, I said I could careless how they're acting and move forward and find new friends i.e. it won't be the same but I'm making it now! I have my best friend now and I couldn't be more happier to have him in my life!
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    #9
    I have had my 2 best friends for nearly 20 years and just like any other relationship, communication is KEY. We have had our "falling out" many times over the years, because we went through exactly what you described - "i'm there for you when you need me but you are there for me!"

    Your friends are not mind readers, so if you want them to be there for you, if you need their support, if you need to vent something to them, you need to TELL them. Its' not fair to them if you expect them to by psychic.

    My one best friend is now married with 2 kids, and she lives across the country. I had called her a few times during this deployment because I needed a friend to talk to. She never picked up the phone, and I never left a message. I was starting to distance myself from her since she was clearly too busy with other priorities now. We finally had a talk, and when I told her that she wasn't there for me anymore, she cried. She was so sad. She told me that if I left her a message letting her know that I needed to talk to her, she'd call me back as soon as she could. She told me that she loves me and cherishes our friendship despite having her family now.

    I got that I can't expect her to understand my hardships unless I tell her. Unless I let her know that I need a friend from time to time. So I do that now. I leave specific messages like "can you please call me back. I need to talk to you." and she does.

    That is not to say I haven't had my share of "friends" that I let go over the years. You just have to know what you are looking for, what you need, and determine if your "friends" are the kind of people who will provide/fulfill those things in return.
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    #10
    I feel I've come to realize that there are a number of friendships in your life that are intended to eventually end. Be grateful for when they are there, but the odds are that most people you befriend will not always be the ones you can count on and will have forever. So, when the time comes, they will run their course and then it is up to us to let them go out of our lives.

    I've been there, and I am there now where friends that I have been helping through all their tough times are now abandoning me during a rough time in my life. But it makes you thankful for the one or two that you can always rely on. I'm very sorry that you have to deal with losing friends that meant something to you, but we all know you'll be able to make it through it. We are here. Please know that.
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