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Thread: Step-mom is angry **long, sorry!**

  1. Team Rocket
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    #1

    Confused Step-mom is angry **long, sorry!**

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    My stepmom has, in the past 2 days, decided to call me twice and give me her opinion about my father paying for 50% of my summer tuition. She is rather upset about it and I hoping for some advice about what to do.

    Background:
    My dad started a savings account for me when I was young to pay for my graduate degree because he wanted me to be highly educated and thought I'd be able to get some good scholarships for my undergrad (I did). When I was 11, he married my stepmom and she's always been a little critical of him spending money on me and my older sister (10 years older than I).

    When I was in high school, my stepmom started drinking and became a highly functioning alcoholic. Things slowly got worse, and in my final year of my undergrad, my stepmom got in some big trouble with her drinking and my dad had to put her into very intensive, inpatient detox. Her health insurance didn't cover it, and it was $28,000, so since my dad needed to hand over a check before her admittance, he used the money in my school account, and pretty much emptied it.

    Now, I am in my 3rd semester of my Master's degree, and my dad offered to pay 50% of my tuition for summer semester, since the savings account is no longer around. I am super grateful for this, and I try not to ask him for help unless I really need it because I know he feels guilty about not being able to pay for it all.

    My stepmom's opinion seems to be that since I am getting married in 6 months, me and DF should be entirely responsible for all of my school costs. She doesn't want my dad to pay the 50% this summer, and made a snide comment about how since DF is deployed, he is not spending money and therefore should be able to cover the cost for me.

    My dad very much values education, and will often help my older sister out by occasionally paying off a bit of her students loans. This is also something that bothers my stepmom a lot, to the point where my sister will no longer stay at my dad-and-stepmom's house when visiting, because of the rude comments she gets about being over 30 and still having student loans. My sister and I are really appreciative of his assistance, never expect him to help, and always thank him whenever he helps with our school stuff.

    Now, my dad took himself on a much needed fishing vacation and will be gone for at least another week or so, so I am not sure if I should call him and tell him about my stepmom's comments? I am very much not a confrontational person, so I don't know if I should say anything to her? I know that alcoholism wasn't her fault and I don't want to make any comments about how if she hadn't been a wino, we wouldn't have this problem, because that would be too mean.

    I am just not sure what to do? Tell my dad? Wait 'til he's home from vacation? Confront stepmom?
    Also, I am kind of curious if anyone else thinks I should stop accepting tuition assistance from my dad since I am engaged, and if so, why?
    WiggleWiggle~ is my Wifey
  2. Certified G
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    #2
    First, I'd wait until he comes back. Let him enjoy his vacation and talk to him about your stepmom when he gets back. He seems like a pretty rational, caring guy. I'm sure he'll discuss it with her himself.

    Second, I would accept it. You didn't ask for it. Personally, I think you might be feeling guilty because of what you're stepmom said. He offered. He cares. Its his money. Engaged or not, that has nothing to do with it. Just my opinion, though.

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    #3
    I would wait until you Dad comes home and talk to him about it. I wouldn't confront your step mom because she sounds like she is a bit of a drama queen and she might twist your words when she tells your dad.

    As for accepting the tuition assistance, I think you should. You didn't ask, and he offered. Engaged for not, he is still you Dad and if he wants to help you further your education I don't see anything wrong with that.
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    #4
    It doesn't matter if you're engaged, dating, married, single, whatever. You're his little girl, he wants you to go to school. Isn't that what most parents want? Your father has graciously offered assistance when he can afford it, and there's absolutely no reason you shouldn't accept.

    You should allow him his vacation, as it's probably much needed time away, after dealing with his wife's habit. Personally, I would feel comfortable approaching my father about his wife's commentary, but you know your dad better than I. How do you feel it would go? Do you think talking it out would be a benefit or detriment? Regardless, I think someone should sit the stepcritter down and explain that no one is willing to tolerate her inflammatory remarks any longer.
  5. The Dude Abides
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Bmason0226 View Post
    I would wait until you Dad comes home and talk to him about it. I wouldn't confront your step mom because she sounds like she is a bit of a drama queen and she might twist your words when she tells your dad.

    As for accepting the tuition assistance, I think you should. You didn't ask, and he offered. Engaged for not, he is still you Dad and if he wants to help you further your education I don't see anything wrong with that.
    Ditto.
  6. Team Rocket
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Stardust View Post
    It doesn't matter if you're engaged, dating, married, single, whatever. You're his little girl, he wants you to go to school. Isn't that what most parents want? Your father has graciously offered assistance when he can afford it, and there's absolutely no reason you shouldn't accept.

    You should allow him his vacation, as it's probably much needed time away, after dealing with his wife's habit. Personally, I would feel comfortable approaching my father about his wife's commentary, but you know your dad better than I. How do you feel it would go? Do you think talking it out would be a benefit or detriment? Regardless, I think someone should sit the stepcritter down and explain that no one is willing to tolerate her inflammatory remarks any longer.
    My dad is really easy to talk to and generally pretty reasonable. He dealt with a ton of crap from her alcoholism and things were really bad and it just feels a little petty to complain about this. Everyone is so relieved she got sober that I think everyone's been avoiding that fact that she's still kind of a drama queen. I'm not sure what my dad would do about it, but I probably should tell him once he comes home.
    WiggleWiggle~ is my Wifey
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    #7
    This is a hard one, but I think that you should probably let your Dad finish his vacation, then ask him if it's a huge hardship for him to be giving you the money. Maybe your stepmom has legitimate concerns. Maybe not.
    If she doesn't, then while you can make your Dad aware of the problem, it probably won't change anything and will only make him feel bad. As long as you're comfortable with the gifts you receive from your Dad, then she has nothing to do with it.

    I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation. My Mom's stepmom actually called her up a long time ago and told her never to come visit, but that she would pay for her Dad to come visit us. Part of her reasoning behind it was that she didn't want to confuse HER grandchildren, because she wanted them to see MY grandpa as theirs, because their actual grandpa isn't around anymore. For some reason she thought if none of my grandpa's biological children ever showed up it would be an easier sell.
    People do crazy things when they get territorial. My grandpa's relationship with his kids and grandchildren has suffered for this reason.
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    #8
    I'd let him pay what he wants to. Next time your stepmom tries to complain about it, tell her to talk to your Dad if she has a problem with it. He's the one doing it, he's her husband, and it's wrong of her to put you in the middle. I'd make all this clear and tell her you will no longer discuss this with her. Tell your Dad the same thing when he gets back from vacation. Make it clear that should she bring it up with you again, you will remind her she's not to discuss it with you anymore and if she continues anyway, you will hang up on her.

    It's ridiculous she's trying to make you guys feel bad about it and put you in the middle of something that should be between her and her husband.

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