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Thread: Family's Fears

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    #1

    Family's Fears

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    So 24 JUL is moving day!!! El Paso here we come

    My MIL who is anyway, is seriously losing her mind. I'm really worried she is going to have a nervous breakdown when we go. Like a REAL lose her mind, severe depression nervous breakdown. Now generally she is not my favorite person, even though we have a decent relationship. But I actually feel bad because she can't even say Texas without crying or adding something negative about it. When I was pregnant she was here 3-4 times a week since I've had the babies she comes over maybe 1-2. And when she does she cries and says weird stuff like, "It makes me sad that the girls can't play outside when you go to Texas", I asked her why and she said because it was too hot. I told her plenty of kids play outside in TX and they'll be just fine as long as they stay hydrated and sun blocked. Then she told me her "BIGGEST FEAR" is that I'm going to fall asleep, not hear the little babies crying and the big girls are going to be running around the house getting into everything. Excuse me?!?!?!? I told her that would NEVER happen, I'm a better parent than that and if she doesn't think so, no wonder she's freaking out about this move.

    I've tried to tell her that we can skype everyday and DH and I plan on paying for her to come visit 2x a year (to which she said the plane will probably crash on the way down there and it doesn't matter anyway because she'll still have to leave again). But she seems to think the kids are going to forget her completely. It's like shes mourning them. This is the first PCS AWAY from our families with our kids.

    Has anyone else dealt with this? Is there anything I can say to comfort her in some way? I'm scared to death about the move, but I'm SOOOO excited to leave here and live on post again and be part of the "military lifestyle"!! But, it's hard to stay positive when everyone is so negative about the move

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    Well, we've moved a lot and have never lived near family, but I've never had to deal with the doom and gloom thing from anyone. I'm sorry that it's adding stress to the combo of having to deal with the babies and the PCS. It has to be stressful.

    My advice would be to steer the conversation away from the PCS if it's always such a dark conversation for her. You're going to do everything you can to keep her in the kids life, you've told her that. She has to deal with the rest herself. Assure her that you both and the kids love and will miss her.

    Is does she always seem to look at the negative side of things or is this something new and extreme?
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    She is a very pessimistic, but when she gets depressed it gets out of hand. She prides herself on the fact that she is a "homebody" and never wants to leave MI (even to travel). When she gets like this, she over thinks everything and goes to a really delusional place. It's like she goes to another make believe world where any and everything bad is going to happen. It's really sad

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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by gp31908 View Post
    Then she told me her "BIGGEST FEAR" is that I'm going to fall asleep, not hear the little babies crying and the big girls are going to be running around the house getting into everything. Excuse me?!?!?!? I told her that would NEVER happen, I'm a better parent than that and if she doesn't think so, no wonder she's freaking out about this move.
    This made me laugh. I'm not saying that it would happen, but as if her presence nearby would keep this from happening.

    Some people can't handle change and being outside their comfort zone. Her general feelings about travel indicate that she's a very nervous person and is afraid of the world. Maybe being forced out of it to go see her grandchildren will trigger a nice change, or maybe not. You may want to come to terms with the idea that she may never come to visit you, even if you pay for her to do so.

    Unfortunately, pessimistic people can ALWAYS see the negative of a situation and always find a way to make everything about them. I agree that you should avoid the topic with her, because nothing you say will likely make a difference.

    Also, be prepared for some people to basically cut you out of their lives. Even though we can stay a lot more connected with people than in the past, a lot of people can't handle relationships with people who are not standing right in front of them. It's sad, but true.
    I have some relatives who I have an amazing time with when we're together, but when I'm not around it's as if I don't exist. It goes both ways, because we all get caught up in our everyday lives and sometimes forget to foster relationships with people we care about.

    Keep focused on what a great opportunity it will be for you to leave home with your family and try not to worry too much about the way other people are reacting to your new adventure. You can't change the reaction someone else has to something. Be kind and loving, but keep in mind that nothing you say or do will change the fact that you're leaving.
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    Thank you you're right about her being out of her comfort zone that's for sure! This actually isn't our first pcs, it's our fourth. But this is the first with the grand babies. I just seen an episode of teen mom where one of the girls moved and her therapist told her to let her parents grieve because it is a loss to them. This is exactly how she feels, I think because she knows we're never coming back to Michigan. When we pcs'd back here for this recruiting assignment we brought her first grandchildren and now were leaving with all four of them. I honestly just think she's so totally unhappy in her life and her grandkids are the only good parts. It's just sad to see her fall apart.

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    When I've had people against what's going on in my life and turn down every option I give them to help make it better, I basically say, "Fine, f*** it then. I'm not going to go that extra mile to help you if you don't want it." People were completely against my man and I doing a court house wedding in Jacksonville, NC (our families live in Michigan). They didn't want to miss the wedding. We decided that when Andrew could get leave and come home, we'd do a wedding ceremony and reception and let everyone come and enjoy that. When both of our mothers told us that their happiness at that wedding would be just as fake as the ceremony, we said fine, and didn't do the ceremony; just the reception. If she's so negative about you guys paying TWICE a year for her to visit, then don't bother. Just make the visits back home that you normally would. Whenever someone is being so unreasonable and unwilling to aid in their own happiness, I've learned to pull back and stop putting in so much extra effort. That might seem a bit dark, but I've spent YEARS trying to help people only to have them want to do nothing for themselves. So, finally, I realized you can't help someone who won't help themselves. And I do my best to remember that always.

    Have a safe trip to Texas and try to enjoy it. It's a fun big step. Don't let others bring it down. You'll all be great!
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    Thank you! It must be a mi thing lol I know we cant change how she feels but I still feel bad. Even though I know she loves me I think deep down she has some resentment towards me because I'm the most important female in DH's life not her. I feel like I've taken her son in some sense (even tho they don't have an extremely close relationship) and now were taking her grandkids away. And we're happy about moving so it hurts her even more. I just wish there was something I could do to make the process easier.

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    It is difficult especially when the person gets older and seems to have anxiety about leaving what is familiar.

    The oldest two are old enough that you could encourage her to find little things that she could send in a package to them. The oldest ones could benefit from learning games, "hair pretties" as my niece calls them, baking them cookies, sending coloring books etc. If she sews she could make them little outfits or she can make simple blankets, blankets for their "babies" etc. It could be her special "Grandma Care Packages". Between that and Skype calls I think it would help.

    For now she is going to grieve and look at all the things she will miss. Try to just let it run off of you like water off a duck's back. After you move keep up with letting her know how things are going and talking to her by phone and Skype. Then perhaps you can find one of her friends that would travel with her when it comes time to visit. That may help with the travel anxiety.
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    Quote Originally Posted by kaaau View Post
    It is difficult especially when the person gets older and seems to have anxiety about leaving what is familiar.

    The oldest two are old enough that you could encourage her to find little things that she could send in a package to them. The oldest ones could benefit from learning games, "hair pretties" as my niece calls them, baking them cookies, sending coloring books etc. If she sews she could make them little outfits or she can make simple blankets, blankets for their "babies" etc. It could be her special "Grandma Care Packages". Between that and Skype calls I think it would help.

    For now she is going to grieve and look at all the things she will miss. Try to just let it run off of you like water off a duck's back. After you move keep up with letting her know how things are going and talking to her by phone and Skype. Then perhaps you can find one of her friends that would travel with her when it comes time to visit. That may help with the travel anxiety.
    Thank you this really helped. She unfortunately doesn't have very many friends, not ones that would travel anyway. I'm pretty much the only "girlfriend" that she has. We talk daily now So that won't be a problem. She was talking about sending them things yesterday so maybe she's coming around a little bit. I think after we leave she can start to move forward in a positive way, but I don't think it will happen until she "grieves" so to speak.

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