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Thread: What on earth can I say?!

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    #1

    What on earth can I say?! (concluded)

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    Yesterday I made a post after getting one of DF's letters with a moody, upset ending. It's still bothering me, and I really don't know what to write to him about it. Letters are the only way we can communicate, and there is more than a week's delay on any one topic, which makes it really difficult...

    This is what happened:
    I basically write about everything that happens every day. DF says it relaxes him, and says I should tell him everything, good and bad; he doesn't mind the sad things and wants me to be completely honest. He's also noteably said in letters that while a lot of other trainees there miss their SOs, he feels like he's one of the few who don't worry about what his DG is doing at home (basically, he's not concerned about a "Jody").

    And so 2 weeks ago, I had a project to do, ended up at a guy friend's house and the rest of the group never showed up. Even though I knew DF was touchy about me hanging around alone other guys, especially ones he doesn't know, I felt like I should tell him because, well, it happened. I added that I knew that friend respected our relationship and that I "trusted he would never make a move", just to reassure DF. Well, bad idea. DF's letter started out all happy, responding to stuff I wrote, but once he got to THAT part... he started saying that it definitely bothered him, that he's glad I "trust" him, that "whole groups of people don't just not show up, that he's not in such a good mood anymore, and that he's "I should keep doing better, I guess" (about emotionally dealing with his absence).

    I'm about upsetting him, but I'm also because I don't think he should be so bothered by this! We have been together for almost 2.5 years and I have given him no reason to lose trust in me; my comment about trusting that friend was only to show him he had nothing to worry about, and if he really trusts me so much, why should this bother him?! However, I keep thinking back to all the Boot Camp stories about all the DS's rubbing in "Jody" stories, telling him his SO's cheating on him... and I can see how that could definitely get to him.

    I wrote him back yesterday saying that I'm sorry it upset him and that I think of nothing but him, all those things to try to make him feel better, that I wouldn't be hanging out with that friend any more. It still bothers me at this point because I just don't know if he's better or worse - his letter was dated from a week ago. He really doesn't need this emotional distraction.

    What can I say to him to make him feel better? Any ideas?
    Last edited by Contra; 06-21-2012 at 03:33 PM. Reason: Topic is closed
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    #2
    Just give him time to let his emotions sizzle out...
    ...if he trusts you then he will stop being moody and his logical self will come back again. then he will just realize how silly he was when he gets your new letter and things should go back to normal.

    Basic is the worst for sure...just keep your chin up.
    "Love is just a chemical, we give it meaning by choice"---Eleanor Lamb (Bioshock2)
    " I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. Maybe we're from the same star." ---Emery Allen
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    #3
    You have to decide what your boundaries are.

    To me, the comment about "whole groups of people don't just not show up" would mean he was calling me a liar. That, coupled with the total lack of trust, wouldn't be okay. So I wouldn't be seeking a way to make him feel better, exactly. I'd be seeking a way to communicate to him that if we are to be married, he needs to trust me and that if he believes I'm lying to him, then we'll have some serious talking to do after he's done.

    I might not include all that in a letter, but I'd definitely not apologize for something that I don't think was wrong.

    Are you willing to commit to spend the rest of your life with a man who doesn't trust you and has basically called you a liar? If not, then there is serious work to be done before your marriage, I think.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    You have to decide what your boundaries are.

    To me, the comment about "whole groups of people don't just not show up" would mean he was calling me a liar. That, coupled with the total lack of trust, wouldn't be okay. So I wouldn't be seeking a way to make him feel better, exactly. I'd be seeking a way to communicate to him that if we are to be married, he needs to trust me and that if he believes I'm lying to him, then we'll have some serious talking to do after he's done.

    I might not include all that in a letter, but I'd definitely not apologize for something that I don't think was wrong.

    Are you willing to commit to spend the rest of your life with a man who doesn't trust you and has basically called you a liar? If not, then there is serious work to be done before your marriage, I think.
    While you have a great point, I wouldn't say that he is showing a "total lack of trust". It's not right for him to assume I am lying. However he never, ever acted like this before he left for training. We both understand trust to be a key part of the relationship. And this is why I'm chalking up his assumption of mistrust to emotional pressures of training.

    And no, that doesn't mean I should spend all my time trying to make him feel better. Again, good point. However, to me this doesn't threaten our relationship... only our emotional progress at this point.

    Thanks for the advice, and I understand it's your opinion. But I don't think he is being that extreme. Merely unreasonable.
    Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Contra View Post
    However he never, ever acted like this before he left for training. .
    Unfortunately, people ARE unfaithful to their SOs and this is just as relevant in the military. When someone is stuck in close quarters with other people it's easy to get caught up in their drama. So even if your SO is in a healthy relationship, everyone around him may assume that he's not. It just takes one person to say "she's probably cheating on you" for the seed to be planted and paranoia to set in.

    In general, it's usually best to avoid situations where there will be any question as to the end game. Even though YOU knew that you were just there to work on a project with a bunch of people and you were the only one to show up, it doesn't necessarily look like that to the rest of the world. In the future, you could avoid making plans that involve going to the house of someone else (well males in particular) if possible. Meeting up at the library or in a coffee shop is a lot less questionable, and possibly more convenient for everyone else involved.

    As far as a response, recognize that it made him uncomfortable, but try not to dwell on it too much. It's not really something you can address in letters, because it requires a conversation.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by watrfall86 View Post
    Unfortunately, people ARE unfaithful to their SOs and this is just as relevant in the military. When someone is stuck in close quarters with other people it's easy to get caught up in their drama. So even if your SO is in a healthy relationship, everyone around him may assume that he's not. It just takes one person to say "she's probably cheating on you" for the seed to be planted and paranoia to set in.

    In general, it's usually best to avoid situations where there will be any question as to the end game. Even though YOU knew that you were just there to work on a project with a bunch of people and you were the only one to show up, it doesn't necessarily look like that to the rest of the world. In the future, you could avoid making plans that involve going to the house of someone else (well males in particular) if possible. Meeting up at the library or in a coffee shop is a lot less questionable, and possibly more convenient for everyone else involved.

    As far as a response, recognize that it made him uncomfortable, but try not to dwell on it too much. It's not really something you can address in letters, because it requires a conversation.
    Thanks a lot for the advice. I'll keep that in mind for the future.


    As for my OP:
    Received a letter yesterday... he actually seemed fine and wanted to apologize if his letter was upsetting. He had a stressful few days and was slipping into "feeling nothing" during training, and that really seemed to give him a jolt.

    I guess I just focused on it too much and made it bigger than it actually was Sorry to take up your attention on such a temporary matter. But I do think I can take away several lessons from this for the future.

    Thanks everyone for your support and advice
    Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.
    - Roger de Bussy-Rabutin



    "You mean every little bitty thing, and every super huge thing to me."

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