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Thread: Question about (not having) sex

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    #1

    Question about (not having) sex

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    Hello!
    I wasn't sure what forum to post this on, so I just thought I'd post it here. Maybe it's weird, but it's something that's been on my mind. To let you know before I start talking, sometimes I over-think things that are important to me, so I've certainly over-thought this one. I'm not saying that I don't trust my boyfriend. I would rather see if you have an opinion on this and on whether this is feasible.

    So for my whole life, I've been planning on waiting until marriage to have sex. I have a bunch of reasons why I think this is for me. This has been going fine since I hadn't had a boyfriend until somewhat recently, now that I'm dating my Army boyfriend. He and I were together during his leave and then have been talking online for 10 months. I feel like we're really close, emotionally, and I enjoyed kissing and cuddling and sleeping in his bed, non-sexually (that's all we did). Since he's had sex in the past in his relationships, he'd mentioned that he would be interested in having sex at some point, but since I have stated that I want to wait, he's reiterated that he would wait.

    I wonder if, in peoples' experiences, is your guy really horny and stuff when he comes back home? This concerns me because I already feel like I love him and if I had sex (ever), I would want it to be special. I think when he comes home, I might feel like it'd be special at that point (though he still wouldn't be ready for a bigger committment, relationship-wise). I kind of wonder if, since we won't have seen each other for quite a while, it'll be hard not to do certain things. I'm willing to go to a certain point and we have it clearly spelled out as an agreement between us.

    Idk if I'm being naive, though. I realize that guys generally do want to have sex if they can and they enjoy talking about physical stuff. When we've chatted about it, it's in the context of us wanting to be close, physically and emotionally. I guess I'm not sure how someone is "supposed" to behave if they want to remain a virgin. I think I kind of wonder if it's worth it as much to me (but that's something that I have to figure out for myself) since our relationship has been through a lot, what with the distance, and I really want to be close to him.

    Let me know what you think. I have some time to think about this and I've talked to him about it quite a bunch. I don't really have any reason to think he won't just respect me except that I've heard guys get really horny when they are away at war. So again, I'm not saying that I don't trust him. I don't know if this is a situation where it'd be hard not to have sex, just because of us reuniting and him having been through some stressful war stuff, which is why I'm asking.

    Thank you!
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    #2
    I think that waiting is very commendable honestly, and I wish I had. My feelings on sex is that, if it's important to you to wait, then wait. Whether or not he's been gone for awhile, if you still want to wait, he should respect those wishes, if he respects you. Yes, men get horny, but men (and women) are also capable of controlling themselves and their urges if they want to.

    That being said, if it's waiting is something you no longer "believe" in, that's also your choice. There's no right or wrong IMO. Just make the decision for yourself and stick to it. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something that in your heart, you're not ready for. I just don't want you to look back and regret the choice you made, whatever it may be. So my best advice, is to sit down and think about if you want to have sex for you, not for him or anyone else.


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    #3
    You need to do what's right for you and your relationship - whatever will make you happy. I went from thinking sex wasn't that big of a deal and I wanted to have it whenever I could get it (but never did), wanting to wait until marriage, not being sure, to waiting 2.5 years with DH. It was the right decision for us. We were in the right place in our relationship, it was extremely special, and we were prepared (I was on BC for 2 months before it happened). It's okay if you've changed your mind about waiting, but it's also okay if you haven't.

    As for guys wanting to have sex when they get home from deployment. Well, DH's first 7 month deployment we weren't having sex at that point. When he came home we stayed in the hotel together that night. We had a lot of fun, but we didn't have sex. Just wasn't what we were doing in our relationship. A homecoming doesn't make that any different.

    I'll say it again - do what's right for you. Whatever that may be.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by EmilyPT View Post
    You need to do what's right for you and your relationship - whatever will make you happy. I went from thinking sex wasn't that big of a deal and I wanted to have it whenever I could get it (but never did), wanting to wait until marriage, not being sure, to waiting 2.5 years with DH. It was the right decision for us. We were in the right place in our relationship, it was extremely special, and we were prepared (I was on BC for 2 months before it happened). It's okay if you've changed your mind about waiting, but it's also okay if you haven't.

    As for guys wanting to have sex when they get home from deployment. Well, DH's first 7 month deployment we weren't having sex at that point. When he came home we stayed in the hotel together that night. We had a lot of fun, but we didn't have sex. Just wasn't what we were doing in our relationship. A homecoming doesn't make that any different.

    I'll say it again - do what's right for you. Whatever that may be.
    I agree with both ladies, however I just liked her story to go with it. I don't think coming home from a deployment would make it any harder to not have sex than it already is. Just make sure it's your decision and that it isn't influenced by anything. Because you'll regret it if you decide to have sex just because he came home.

    Just think about it and do what is right for you. If you still want to wait, then wait. If you decide that's not the road for you anymore, then don't. But just make absolutely sure that it's what YOU want, and not let it be influenced by his homecoming.
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    #5
    Hi! If you'd like to talk in detail about this, feel free to PM me.

    I commend you for waiting. DF and I had both decided we wanted to wait for marriage, but we gave into temptations, and have had our issues with it.

    I think it is wonderful that he is supportive and agrees to wait for you. If you'd be open to it, you could do other sexual acts with him, but be aware that could easily lead to something you may not want.


    If you want to wait, try to avoid things like spending the night together, etc.

    Of course, depending on your self control, you could sleep together (literally) without sleeping together (figuratively).

    Like I said if you wanna talk a bit more personally feel free to PM me.


    If you decide you do want to do it, since you seem very sensitive about it (like me), I recommend making sure you use protection.
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    #6
    I agree with what PPs have said - do what you feel is right. If you feel like waiting until marriage is no longer what you want, but instead waiting for a good time in your relationship, then do that. DB and I waited nearly a year and a half before we lost it to each other, and I think that was the best thing for us. If you feel like you definitely want to wait until marriage, then your DB needs to be okay with it - don't let him pressure you. I hope whatever you decide works out well.
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    #7
    Honestly, it sounds like in your heart waiting is still the best decision. I personally wouldn't do it beciase i don't see my SO much or because they are horny. I'd take some time to think about the decision for you alone, not taking into account whatever he wants or thinks.


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    #8
    I waited until marriage and have had no regrets. DH was not a virgin when we met, but when I told him that I wanted to wait he agreed to wait for me. He never pressured me and was absolutely amazing about it. If you want to talk, PM me.
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    #9
    You have to do what you feel is best for you. I'm going to be another one of those people that says I've been there. My DB's been waiting for me for nearly three years. I'm a virgin and he's not. He's been deployed and come back, and I only see him a few times a year even when he's not deployed. Yes, he wants to have sex, but not if I'm not ready and I still want to wait.

    You are welcome to pm me anytime as well.
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    #10
    Hey! Thanks so much for your replies. Don't be surprised if I PM you I think this is a complicated issue, probably for most people, certainly for me. I think waiting is the right thing for me and I'm glad to know it isn't impossible to do. I don't know people that waited, so my friends have always been like, "Sex? No big deal," while I always felt weird for wanting to wait. I think the media, as well, makes it seem like no one is waiting and like everyone's one goal in life is to have sex. But I know he'll respect me and it'll be ok. It's not supposed to be easy, anyway, this relationship thing.

    I think it might be tough because when he comes home, he'll live about an hour away from me so we were planning on staying over at each other's house every other weekend, but I guess if it's too much, we can always sleep in separate rooms. Open and honest communication is something we've been big on, so I feel like it'll be ok.

    Again, thank you! That makes me feel A LOT better! You are all great
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