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Thread: Life insurance advice- beneficiary

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    #1

    Life insurance advice- beneficiary

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    So me and my DF are getting married in 29 days. The other day life insurance policies got brought up and he said his is split 50/50 between his mom and dad. I just casually asked so are you going to change it once we get married? I always assumed he would be my sole beneficiary and me, his only. I guess to me a married couple would want that, to make sure each other taken care of. When I asked he was like I will change the proportions, but you won't be the only one. It kinda sounded like his parents would still get the chunk of it, like 90 percent and 10. I was like oh, ok. He picked up I was bothered and said once we have kids and stuff he would change it, but not now. Is it wrong that this bothered me? Maybe I just assumed and made an "ass out of you and me". I just feel like he doesn't see me as worthy of it? Or I'm not as important? I don't see anyone as more important then him, so it just shocked me. His parents are bad off financially which I get is his motivation, but if he WERE (I hope to god none of this EVER comes into play and it is all pointless) I would be stuck not were my family is, forming all arrangements, and he would be the bigger provider so I would be stuck. (Maybe I am thinking more along these lines because my grandmother recently passed away so I have dealt more with it than he has). I was fully planning on changing mine to make him the sole, but now I feel if I do he will feel pressured. I almost don't want to now, simply because I'm hurt Am I in the wrong? I dropped the subject but it has been on my mind lately. I by no means am a gold digger or anything like that, so please no one start bashing me on that. I wouldn't care if it was a whole ten dollars. To me it's the trust? Or the value of me being his wife that is bothering me? Is it normal for a newly wed?
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    #2
    TBH, its his money he can dole it out however he wants. As crude as that sounds, its true. If he wants to provide for his parents in the event of his death, then he has every right to do that, as you have the right to do that with yours.

    If you feel you need to discuss it again, then do so but be candid with him. Express your thoughts and feelings on it all and see what he says. Ask him to give you reasons why his parents would still get some money. Even if he still keeps it to where it is divided among you and his parents, perhaps having knowledge as to why will help you.

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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by lambe91 View Post
    So me and my DF are getting married in 29 days. The other day life insurance policies got brought up and he said his is split 50/50 between his mom and dad. I just casually asked so are you going to change it once we get married? I always assumed he would be my sole beneficiary and me, his only. I guess to me a married couple would want that, to make sure each other taken care of. When I asked he was like I will change the proportions, but you won't be the only one. It kinda sounded like his parents would still get the chunk of it, like 90 percent and 10. I was like oh, ok. He picked up I was bothered and said once we have kids and stuff he would change it, but not now. Is it wrong that this bothered me? Maybe I just assumed and made an "ass out of you and me". I just feel like he doesn't see me as worthy of it? Or I'm not as important? I don't see anyone as more important then him, so it just shocked me.

    His parents are bad off financially which I get is his motivation, but if he WERE (I hope to god none of this EVER comes into play and it is all pointless) I would be stuck not were my family is, forming all arrangements, and he would be the bigger provider so I would be stuck. (Maybe I am thinking more along these lines because my grandmother recently passed away so I have dealt more with it than he has). I was fully planning on changing mine to make him the sole, but now I feel if I do he will feel pressured. I almost don't want to now, simply because I'm hurt

    Am I in the wrong? I dropped the subject but it has been on my mind lately. I by no means am a gold digger or anything like that, so please no one start bashing me on that. I wouldn't care if it was a whole ten dollars. To me it's the trust? Or the value of me being his wife that is bothering me? Is it normal for a newly wed?

    I don't think its wrong to be upset, it really depends on the couple and its one of those things thats going to depend on the relationship and the situation.

    When DH and I really had nothing, I had no issue with his insurance being split between me, his parents, and his brother. We didn't have kids, we had no big bills that would need to be paid, no debt to cover, and so on... I didn't "need" all of the money. He wanted to be able to not only care for me, but his parents and his brother as well.

    Now that we have a house, bigger bills, and a child on the way its been changed so that I am the sole beneficiary since I will have a great deal to carry on if, God forbid, something happened to him now.

    For us the life insurance had nothing to do with trust, but what I would need to settle things if something happened to him. As newly weds, I wouldn't have needed all that much, as homeowners and soon to be parents, I would need a heck of a lot more then before.
  4. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #4
    I don't think there's a right or a wrong here. I am DH's beneficiary, but he does have plans for money when he passes, regarding his family. So I know that I wouldn't be getting 100% of the funds and I'm ok with that, it's been discussed. If he wanted to change things so it's in the policy vs. in his will I wouldn't be offended.

    I dunno, I think he wants his family to have more money because they're older, his sister has two kids and the fathers aren't in their lives so he worries about his nieces, etc. Whereas we have no kids, I have more earning power than his family members, etc. So it makes sense to me, but everyone's situation is different ... are you guys doing any sort of pre-marriage counseling? This might be something good to bring up with a mediator.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by lambe91 View Post
    So me and my DF are getting married in 29 days. The other day life insurance policies got brought up and he said his is split 50/50 between his mom and dad. I just casually asked so are you going to change it once we get married? I always assumed he would be my sole beneficiary and me, his only. I guess to me a married couple would want that, to make sure each other taken care of. When I asked he was like I will change the proportions, but you won't be the only one. It kinda sounded like his parents would still get the chunk of it, like 90 percent and 10. I was like oh, ok. He picked up I was bothered and said once we have kids and stuff he would change it, but not now. Is it wrong that this bothered me? Maybe I just assumed and made an "ass out of you and me". I just feel like he doesn't see me as worthy of it? Or I'm not as important? I don't see anyone as more important then him, so it just shocked me. His parents are bad off financially which I get is his motivation, but if he WERE (I hope to god none of this EVER comes into play and it is all pointless) I would be stuck not were my family is, forming all arrangements, and he would be the bigger provider so I would be stuck. (Maybe I am thinking more along these lines because my grandmother recently passed away so I have dealt more with it than he has). I was fully planning on changing mine to make him the sole, but now I feel if I do he will feel pressured. I almost don't want to now, simply because I'm hurt Am I in the wrong? I dropped the subject but it has been on my mind lately. I by no means am a gold digger or anything like that, so please no one start bashing me on that. I wouldn't care if it was a whole ten dollars. To me it's the trust? Or the value of me being his wife that is bothering me? Is it normal for a newly wed?
    Dh changed his SGLI to come to me, immediately after we were married. There was never even a question. I'd be a bit miffed if I were in your place.
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    #6
    My husband and I talked about this prior to getting married too. At that point, everything was going to his mother (for obvious reasons), but he said he would split it 50/50 once we got married, which he did. I wasn't too concerned with the he amount of the split because I knew we would help eachother out if (God forbid) something were to happen. We both have health issues and would both cover whatever expenses accrued funeral-wise, after that, we would just pay off whatever debts he had and throw the rest in a CD. Now that we have a baby on the way, he's going to change it to 60/40 (60 going to me) just so there would be a little extra for a bank account for the baby.

    Your issues are legitimate. No need to stress about that.

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    #7
    I don't see the big deal in you not being the only one. DH's life insurance is split between his dad & I.

    Yea, you're married. That doesn't mean you're the only person in his life he cares about.

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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post

    are you guys doing any sort of pre-marriage counseling? This might be something good to bring up with a mediator.
    He got PCSd to Hawaii in January and I'm in Hawaii. We have been doing "counseling" through a book I picked up. Ii has been ok, but I wish we could do actual counseling. I am mainly upset because I was going to automatically make him the sole, and I expected the same thing. My parents are 70K in debt, and while I want them taken care of, he is my responsibility, not them. I would express my wishes to him to take care of them, and trust him to do so. At the same time, I have to make sure he is taken care of too. As my husband he is my top priority. Even if we don't have a house and all that yet, leaving him all the money would allow him to be comfortable for a long time. I want this for him, so I am hurt that he doesn't want that for me? I want to talk to him about it, but I don't know how to tell him all this without upsetting him. I even mentioned something to my mom about all this, her and my dad were the only beneficiaries right after they got married until I turned 18. She thought it bizarre that I wouldn't be the only.
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    #9
    I can understand your discomfort with him keeping is parents on his life insurance. However, without kids in the picture, I think you would likely be financially stable with 90% of his life insurance value. The purpose of life insurance is to leave family, especially dependent family, financially stable in the event of a wage-earners death. It's why kids have life insurance, but usually only to cover burial expenses. Does your SO help his parents financially, ever? If yes, then I understand why he'd be keen on keeping them in his policy. If not, it is probably just his wishes to help them, and let them know he cares, not an effort to slight you... KWIM? Remember, money from his life insurance policy is not his love. He is not saying he's only giving you 90% of his love, and giving the balance to his parents. He loves you and wants you taken care of and probably thinks 90% of (either 250 or 400) thousand dollars would do that. Try to approach him about it in a way that is more about you vulnerability in feeling "you're not worthy" than about getting more money (sorry to be blunt).



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    #10
    This brings up a point that I need to talk to DF about

    Right now his niece and parents are the beneficiaries. I'm not sure how/if he's going to change it. We'll have that talk when he gets home. I never even thought about it to be honest!

    But honestly, I'm not sure how I would feel in your shoes. I understand wanting to take care of his parents, but i would probably still like half and then split the other half between his parents.

    Good luck!
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