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Thread: Needing Advice

  1. Regular Member
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    #1

    Needing Advice

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    Two months ago my best friend, MM, told me that he's been in love with me for the past 20 years. Needless to say I was floored and very excited about the possibilities. He just retired from the military as a col. and now has taken some type of civi job and is in the Afghanistan. Because of the sensitivity of his job he can't tell me who he works for or what exactly he does. I'm okay with this as I know when he gets back to the states this will be remedied.

    So, I'm new to just about everything. The relationship is new (if what we have is actually a relationship). When he comes back to the states for a visit we will see if we work out. He has asked me to wait for him and I said 'yes'. This has proven to be a little difficult for me as I've found myself very popular with the guys right now (go figure). I'm still waiting for MRM and turning down the other guys for a relationship that I don't know that I really have. Does this sound fair to me? What are your thoughts/opinions?

    Somehow he thinks I'm used to the idea of him 'traveling'. Traveling being when he's on the move and I don't hear from him. Before he told me that he wanted a relationship, I would just stop hearing from him. I would think he was either bored with me or just busy. I had no idea that he was 'traveling'. Now, he tells me everything and this scares the ever-living-CRAP out of me. I do love his honesty and without it I don't think we would work out. He's been traveling for sometime now. The first four days I thought my chest was going to explode. I would have uncontrollable shakes. I was pretty sure I was going to die. It's been an entire month and it's gotten easier. I still miss him terribly and think about him almost 24 hours a day (seriously, I think I dream about him too).


    Any advise would be greatly appreciated!!!! Have you been through this too?
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    #2
    I haven't really been through anything like that ... I think whether it's "fair" or "unfair" just depends on the couple. If he wants you to wait for him and he's waiting for you and that's the agreement, I think that's fair. If one or the other of you doesn't want to wait, that's fair too. As long as both parties are on the same page and everything. I'm not sure if that's something I'd be willing to do, but I know some relationship do start off in that manner.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by ILoveM&Ms View Post
    Two months ago my best friend, MM, told me that he's been in love with me for the past 20 years. Needless to say I was floored and very excited about the possibilities. He just retired from the military as a col. and now has taken some type of civi job and is in the Afghanistan. Because of the sensitivity of his job he can't tell me who he works for or what exactly he does. I'm okay with this as I know when he gets back to the states this will be remedied.

    So, I'm new to just about everything. The relationship is new (if what we have is actually a relationship). When he comes back to the states for a visit we will see if we work out. He has asked me to wait for him and I said 'yes'. This has proven to be a little difficult for me as I've found myself very popular with the guys right now (go figure). I'm still waiting for MRM and turning down the other guys for a relationship that I don't know that I really have. Does this sound fair to me? What are your thoughts/opinions?

    Somehow he thinks I'm used to the idea of him 'traveling'. Traveling being when he's on the move and I don't hear from him. Before he told me that he wanted a relationship, I would just stop hearing from him. I would think he was either bored with me or just busy. I had no idea that he was 'traveling'. Now, he tells me everything and this scares the ever-living-CRAP out of me. I do love his honesty and without it I don't think we would work out. He's been traveling for sometime now. The first four days I thought my chest was going to explode. I would have uncontrollable shakes. I was pretty sure I was going to die. It's been an entire month and it's gotten easier. I still miss him terribly and think about him almost 24 hours a day (seriously, I think I dream about him too).


    Any advise would be greatly appreciated!!!! Have you been through this too?
    on the relationship. How long have you know MM? Maybe it's just needing more details, but I feel like something is off or missing. Is he getting a divorce or something. I guess I'm trying to figure out why he suddenly professed his love for you. Either way, if you're okay waiting you'll be fine. Just stay busy and communicate with him.



    "If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." - President Ronald Reagan
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by ILoveM&Ms View Post
    Because of the sensitivity of his job he can't tell me who he works for or what exactly he does.
    I understand the not telling you exactly what he does. But not being able to tell you who he works for - that doesn't sound right.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by dekeoboe View Post
    I understand the not telling you exactly what he does. But not being able to tell you who he works for - that doesn't sound right.
    I agree, something sounds a bit fishy.

    How long was he in the military and do you know what he did while he was active duty?
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Beach View Post
    I agree, something sounds a bit fishy.

    How long was he in the military and do you know what he did while he was active duty?
    Something does sound a bit fishy to me ...
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    Yeah, that does sound a little strange he can't tell you who he works for. Is he involved in special forces somehow? While he says he's taken a civi job, I ask because I know my DB was offered several contracts as a tactical consultant and training specialist for his SF branch after he retired. I could understand then, to an extent, as certain programs are very covert. I still do not know the places he's been or the nature of his missions while he was serving. I do know, however, the program his team is affiliated with and what it is they are trained to do in general, but neither of us are allowed to disclose that information as it might compromise the team members (those still serving and those retired) and the integrity of the program itself. Even pictures taken during training are very obscure and faces are never shown. Real names are never, ever, ever mentioned either. It's sort of surreal. lol

    So I guess it makes a little sense to me why he wouldn't be able to tell you certain things, though I still find it strange he can't at least give you the general gist of his job. Perhaps once he's more comfortable and the relationship is more established, he will disclose more information if he's able to. I wouldn't sweat it too much.

    As for the relationship being 'fair', that's really for you to decide. Do you want to date these other men? Is your friend worth waiting for? Do you think the relationship is worth the time? Are you prepared to be in a committed relationship with a man who can't always tell you what he's doing or where he's going or when he'll be back? I think those are questions you need to ask yourself.
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    #8
    Sorry. Let me try to answer some of the questions:

    -He and I have known each other for over 20 years. One of us was either married or dating until just recently. We were joking around and he became serious and told me that he waited a respectful time after my divorce to tell me his feelings. The feelings are rather mutual. Neither of us want to just jump into a relationship. We'll spend time together when he gets back to see if "like" each other.

    -We got to talk to each other for a month after he told me about his feeling then he started to 'travel'. I've heard from him once during this time and it was a quick email letting me know that he will contact me when he gets back.

    -Timeline: he told me about his feeling at the beginning of month 1. Left in the beginning of month 2 and he should be state side for awhile in month 5.

    -He told me that he is the project manager for SE Asia counter intelligence for LM. That's great, who is LM?? Lockhead Martin? Land Management?

    -In the 20 something years that we've known each other we've been very candid with each other and whether it might hurt the other person or not. He has never discussed his military career over the phone or in e-mails. It's always been in person. With that being said, all I know is that he is doing the same thing he did in the military but in a civi atmosphere.

    -This is going to sound really AWFUL, but, I have NO IDEA what he did in the military. It wasn't until the last couple of years (right after my divorce . . .go figure) that he and I really started talking again. He would tell me stories about him and his guys going to the gym and making everyone else leave. And he could do this because of who he was. He would tell other stories, but, I always thought it was partly ego that was talking. It wasn't until the beginning of this year, after he retired, that I found out he was a colonel.

    -Yes, while in the military he was in special forces. I have no idea what that means.

    Deedsnotwords: that sounds just like MM! ! ! ! I'll have to pick your brain a little if you don't mind.
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    #9
    Yeah, that makes a lot more sense to me now. Feel free to send me PM if you like. I'm no expert by any means, but I'll be happy to answer questions if I can.
  10. Regular Member
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    #10
    Um, how do i send you a PM on this site. . .lol. . .sorry, I'm still new
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