Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12

Thread: Funeral concerns

  1. Senior Member
    Stardust's Avatar
    Stardust is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    1,307
    #1

    Funeral concerns

    Advertisements
    I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. My grandpa lost his fight and passed away. His funeral is this weekend. I'm traveling back east to attend. The problem? The family back there.

    Certain members of my family, we'll call the loudest of them Butt and Jerk. Butt and Jerk have been issues of mine for years. They hate my bio dad, and their dislike extends to my brother, mother, and I. They attempted to get my grandma (the widow) to do the funeral on their schedule, which would have left us all incapable of making it there. They were so ridiculously awful, the funeral director kicked them out. They successfully had my dad banned from the church and have prevented dad from attending (I'm beyond furious).

    For years, they have been making horrid racist, homophobic, and just plain "What the hell is wrong with you?!?!" kinds of statements. It doesn't matter the holiday, or occasion, Butt and Jerk are insanely vocal and have zero class or respect. Any attempts at politely telling them "This isn't appropriate now" simply cause Jerk to make awful jokes, and he and Butt laugh at whomever pleaded with them to stop.

    I KNOW they're going to be on their worst behavior this week, they've already been at it. I have kept quiet for years out of respect for my grandparents. I'm already losing my cool, and I'm not even around them yet (just getting updated about what they're up to). I need a plan in place on how to deal with Butt and Jerk. I don't want to make a scene, but I seriously can't handle this crap now. I just can't. Only plan I have so far is trying to walk away (if possible, but it likely won't be) and I know they won't respect me when I ask them to be quiet because that time is not about them.

    Anyone have any ideas so I don't go ballistic?
  2. cuz i'm wonderful
    linzerfufu's Avatar
    linzerfufu is offline
    cuz i'm wonderful
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    11,833
    #2
    Well, funerals are an appropriate time to go ballistic because you're grief stricken and no one will hold it against you. Other than that, I have no advice other than to say "that's not appropriate at this time" and walking away. You can't change them, and the best thing you can do for yourself is accept it. There's really nothing you can do other than take care of yourself.
  3. I'm an enlisted 6-star General, Air Coast Force Guard
    Sally's Avatar
    Sally is offline
    I'm an enlisted 6-star General, Air Coast Force Guard
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    South Korea, Osan AB
    Posts
    19,380
    Blog Entries
    17
    #3
    It is always possible to walk away or at the very least, simply do not respond. This gathering is to honor your grandfather and your memories of him and it is no honor at all to stoop to your cousin's level and retaliate or respond.

    Walk away or don't reply or if you MUST say something, keep it short, such as "Thank you for your opinion."

    They can't fight if you don't respond.
  4. Account Closed
    Lynn's Avatar
    Lynn is offline
    Account Closed
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    It could be worse.
    Posts
    29,398
    #4
    I'm sorry about your grandfather.


    Quote Originally Posted by Sally View Post
    It is always possible to walk away or at the very least, simply do not respond. This gathering is to honor your grandfather and your memories of him and it is no honor at all to stoop to your cousin's level and retaliate or respond.

    Walk away or don't reply or if you MUST say something, keep it short, such as "Thank you for your opinion."

    They can't fight if you don't respond.
    It may be hard, but not giving in to the temptation to rip them a new one really will be your best option. Funerals can bring out the worst in people and you don't want to be one of the people that everyone talks about for years.

    Keep your head up and be there for the family that accepts your love and support. Give the others the wide-eyed stare.

    I really hope that it goes better than you fear.
  5. Looking for the sunshine...
    Jayo's Avatar
    Jayo is offline
    Looking for the sunshine...
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    San Diego
    Posts
    13,586

    #5
    I'm sorry for your loss.

    Absolutely try to walk away BUT if they continue just say "you're being really disrespectful". Don't fall prey to their nastiness.
  6. Senior Member
    Judi89's Avatar
    Judi89 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    30,839
    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Sally View Post
    It is always possible to walk away or at the very least, simply do not respond. This gathering is to honor your grandfather and your memories of him and it is no honor at all to stoop to your cousin's level and retaliate or respond.

    Walk away or don't reply or if you MUST say something, keep it short, such as "Thank you for your opinion."

    They can't fight if you don't respond.
    for you and your family. What Sally wrote is perfect. Don't give them power over you.



    "If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." - President Ronald Reagan
  7. Gained a child but lost my sanity!
    princessgwynn's Avatar
    princessgwynn is offline
    Gained a child but lost my sanity!
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Somewhere I would rather not be :(
    Posts
    11,424
    #7
    I am so sorry for your loss. I think the PP's advice to walk away is spot on but I do know it would be hard for myself to do. I think that if you cannot ignore it any longer (and funerals are a time of raw emotion which would make it so much harder for me) I would take them aside, say your piece and walk away. It may not do any good. They may just laugh in your face. But you will have said your piece and that may help you heal yourself from the hurt & pain they have caused.
  8. MilitarySOS Jewel
    tremblingturtle's Avatar
    tremblingturtle is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Missouri
    Posts
    14,195

    #8
    First, I am sorry for your loss.

    My only advice is to try your hardest to ignore them. In my experience, people like that are only acting that way to get a rise out of everyone else. The more people just ignore their horrible behavior, the less they do it. If the ignoring gets hard, walk away. Turn your back if you can't walk away
  9. Amazon nut & Supernatural freak.
    shape shifter's Avatar
    shape shifter is offline
    Amazon nut & Supernatural freak.
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    15,086
    #9
    I am very sorry for your loss.

    To be honest, there is only so much patience you can have with these type of individuals. Sometimes, being the biggest person doesn't work when you deal with unreasonable disrespectful people. If they are stressing your grandmother, stand up to them. She lost her better half and needs to be protected from their nastiness.
  10. "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
    TrishAFSpouse's Avatar
    TrishAFSpouse is offline
    "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    12,308
    #10
    I would do your best to walk away, however, if you see that others (your grandma, your dad, etc) important or close to your grandpa are being affected then I would step in.

    I have a couple Butt and Jerks in my family and I had to deal with them at a funeral. I prevented them from attending. I placed certain individuals at the door that I knew could hold them back so they couldn't get in. I allowed them to come to the celebration after, but I made it clear how rude they were. I have zero respect for those people in my family and I had no problems taking charge and being a bully.

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •