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Thread: What do I say?

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    thoseredkeds's Avatar
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    #1

    What do I say?

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    This is a sensitive subject about weight, but I am really going to try NOT come off as a bitch or unsympathetic.

    Basically I need advice on how to approach the subject of DH's weight problem to DH. I don't even know where to start I want to be caring and sensitive, but I really need to get through to him, too.

    DH has recently been on light duty (no PT) because his legs are hurting him, but his light duty will end this week and it may not be extended. He will eventually have surgery to fix the problem with his legs, but until then, without doctor's orders he must PT.

    He has been given several warnings about his weight limit. Although he has never gone above his limit, he was 2 lbs away the last time he weighed in. His unit is getting progressively more pushy with him about losing weight, but are still taking their sweet time allowing him time off to get the surgery! I don't even know why! But that's a different post.

    I'm scared for my husband; not just in the career aspect, but also the health aspect of his life. I will always love DH and think him the most handsome man in the world, but I cannot stay silent about it anymore...especially when he seems to be so frustrated and at the point of giving in

    He mentioned to me he has had these leg problems since boot camp, where they actually developed. He just waited until now to mention them to anyone. Apparently, he can still run but it does hurt. He also mentioned how he doesn't try to do any other cardio on his own, and that really worries me since he isn't pt-ing. Then...someone tagged a photo of him on facebook. I could tell DH had gained a significant amount of weight. Possibly 20+ lbs since we last saw each other....he has a weight-in very soon, too.

    How do I do this, and without hurting DHs feelings? Any advice you have, please!
    i fear
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    no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
    and itís you are whatever a moon has always meant
    and whatever a sun will always sing is you
    e. e. cummings, i carry your heart with me


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    #2
    Yikes, thats a tough one. maybe just try saying that you love him and are concerned. If the military is really important to him the best bet may be to use his career as your approach. If its not all that important to him then you could try his health. I know that sounds kind of all over the place sorry, but to you. You know your DH and probably know better than any of us how to approach him about it.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by casper02 View Post
    Yikes, thats a tough one. maybe just try saying that you love him and are concerned. If the military is really important to him the best bet may be to use his career as your approach. If its not all that important to him then you could try his health. I know that sounds kind of all over the place sorry, but to you. You know your DH and probably know better than any of us how to approach him about it.
    i would say that you love him and that he is the most handsome guy in the world to you but you dont want him to get in trouble and that he might need to start watching what he eats a little better and at least do some exercise just make sure you make it clear your only trying to point out whats in his best interest career wise and that you will love him no matter what
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    #4
    They about summed it up. I hope everything goes well.

    Weight has never been a sensitive topic between my hub and me. We're always talking about it and about how staying healthy and active will make our lives better. When I gained the extra 15 lbs from sitting at home job hunting, he straight out said, "Baby, no matter how big you are, you know I'll always love you...but do you love yourself this way? We can't go hiking anymore and you know how much you love that." That was my big wake up call and he managed to say it really nicely. It didn't come off rude or judgmental.
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    #5
    The biggest problem he faces are the consequences if he goes above the weight limit and they find out that he didn't make an effort to lose weight.

    When my DF was in Navy ROTC (in college) there was a guy who was 2 years older than him that often went over the weight limit. He was able to avoid failing the PRT, but he would often fail the weight requirements. He got kicked out after his final PRT- just a few months before he would have graduated college and commissioned into the Navy because he was still over the weight limit, after given many warnings that he needed to lose weight. To top it all off, since he was on scholarship and got kicked out, he had to pay back all of the money the Navy had given him- which meant all 4 years of college.

    So the consequences of your DH going over the weight limit are real. They probably wouldn't kick him out (the guy in my example hadn't commissioned yet, after all) but there would still probably be some sort of punishment. The fact that he does have an injury would probably warrant a special case (as it seems to have already, kind of), but he should still be able to watch what he eats and do some light exercise.
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    #6
    You are in a difficult position and not a fun one either. For me, my husband was home when he put on a ton of weight after just a few months in Hawaii. I put two pictures non chalantly side by side and he was like whoa is that me now? I said crazy right it's only been a few months since we moved here... total akward silence. A few days later I came up with a different approach, being the one who cooks the food I started cooking only healthy and told him I wanted to lose weight then asked him to help me work out. it took him a long time to get serious and a close call with his PT before he started sheding off the pounds. This was back when the AF put on the new PT standards and he saw people lose their careers for it. He lost the weight, but he still doesn't work out. His consequence is testing twice a year as he can't quite get his run in the time he needs it. He's always close but never quite there. My best advice, try to find a way to show him the weight difference and then talk to him about his worries. My man was tough, but on the inside it really bothered him.
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    #7
    This has been an ongoing problem in our house for years. What got my husband in gear (despite me talking to him) was getting taped or tagged for his weight. They gave him 30 days to show improvement and then 90 days to get within limit. That was his wake up call. Problem was, he did what he had to pass, then the weight creeped up again. Now even though he still overweight he is still within regulations (AF no longer checks weight, only waist measurement). Now that he is soon to be retirement eligible, he had another wake up call, he could possibly get booted out before retirement if he doesn't get his weight in check, so now, he is having to really get moving.

    There may be nothing you can do, he may have to get tagged before he realizes his problems.

    How I started this conversation with my husband is I flat out told him I'd be pissed if he got booted out because of his weight. I told him I wasn't living this life and such for him to get booted out for something as stupid as weight, something HE could easily control. He knew I meant business and he did some stuff to 'get better' but it wasn't enough. For me, I wouldn't even be nice or 'sensitive' to him, I'd be blunt, forward and honest.

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
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    #8
    Thank you ladies, so much. I was scared my post would be flagged as insensitive or just selfish, but you all seem to understand me

    I finally mentioned everything to my husband. To sum it all up, I basically told him, "Babe, you are everything I've ever wanted and the most handsome in my eyes, but I hate to see you give up on every thing because of one thing- your legs." I told him how I have seen his confidence decrease to a level that in the 3 years we've known each other, I have never even been close to seeing. I told him that when he loves himself, I see him succeed in literally everything he attempts. He mentioned that since I am in AL and he is in Okinawa at the moment, he doesn't see the point in caring about his appearance or sometimes even his lifestyle choices because I am not there for him to impress. But when I proceeded to tell him that I try to impress and look good for him every day, even if it's just in pictures or on skype, I think he got the point Most importantly, I let our conversation be centered around his needs and career, not mine.
    i fear
    no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
    no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
    and itís you are whatever a moon has always meant
    and whatever a sun will always sing is you
    e. e. cummings, i carry your heart with me


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