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Thread: LD Problems: Feeling Neglected (long!)

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    #1

    Help LD Problems: Feeling Neglected (long!)

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    I feel neglected by my boyfriend and I need tips on how to handle this.

    On one hand, I feel like I'm being selfish for being demanding when I know he's busy and stressed out. On the other hand, I feel hurt because I feel insignificant in his life.

    I've communicated these things to him repeatedly, but nothing changes or gets better.

    1.) Am I expecting too much from him as he is busy, and if so, how do I not take these things personally?
    or
    2.) If I am justified in feeling upset, how do I help him understand that these things bother me?


    Advice? Thanks for your help.
    Last edited by throughherdrama; 07-02-2012 at 11:58 PM.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by throughherdrama View Post
    My DB is reaching his first year anniversary with the Navy this week. Right now he's in Power School and we're in a LD relationship.

    The problem is that I feel completely neglected and I need tips on how to handle this.

    We talk on the phone once a day and Skype when he can. I know he's busy and I truly understand that. But when he always calls me when he gets out of school, but the conversations we have are meaningless and frustrating for me. He was a non-serious personality in general, which I like about him. But he's completely goofy and doesn't try to have a serious conversation in any way. I'll ask him serious questions, like how his day was, or how mine was, and he'll just give me silly, nonsensical replies. This is a phone call I've been looking forward to all day, but he doesn't even take it seriously. It's frustrating and I've communicated this to him, but nothing changes because he why I have any reason to be frustrated.


    He often doesn't respond to my texts, because he thinks it's unnecessary when we can just talk on the phone instead. When we DO text or Skype on the weekends when he's not busy, he will just randomly disappear from the conversation for a period of ten minutes to four hours... then say he was playing video games or something. This is rude in principle, but because we rarely have time together, I take it personally.

    It's other little things, too, where he promises or says he'll do something, and then it never happens.


    I just feel neglected... but I also feel guilty for being needy when I know he's stressed out.


    These things really bother me and are stressing me out. I tried to talk to my DB about it, but he just said that if I 'thought this was hard, I was in for a surprise because deployment was going to be a lot harder.' That was a slap in the face.

    We had a huge fight about this last night (Friday), after he didn't call me until 1am after hanging out with his friends. He first said he was going to have a nice decent conversation with me, then just decided to go to sleep instead. I had been waiting all day to talk to him, then when we finally tells me we're going to have some time to talk, he goes back on this minutes later and decides to cut the conversation short instead! (This happens almost every Friday night.) I was extremely angry and was melodramatic, saying he obviously didn't have time me for me in life and that I was going to just go, and hung up.
    Then he texted me that I'm immature, and that I 'paved the road and now I have to walk it.'
    I called him back like twenty times, and he ignored all of my calls.


    On one hand, I feel like I'm being selfish for being demanding when I know he's busy and stressed out. On the other hand, I feel hurt because I feel insignificant in his life.

    I've communicated these things to him repeatedly, but nothing changes or gets better.

    1.) Am I expecting too much from him as he is busy, and if so, how do I not take these things personally?
    or
    2.) If I am justified in feeling upset, how do I help him understand that these things bother me?


    Advice? Thanks for your help.
    1) You may be expecting more than he is willing to give you. A lot of the trouble seems to stem from different expectations/desires. Those aren't easy to alter and are personal preferences. It seems like you've communicated what you want, repeatedly, and it doesn't seem like he seems to want the same things as you do.

    An example would be the "serious conversation" issue. Some people don't like that. You said yourself he is less serious. He may not assign the same importance to discussing his day as you do to yours.

    2) You've expressed your frustration, hurt, and feelings multiple times. There isn't much more you can do. You can't change someone or make someone give you something they aren't ready or willing to give. It's an unfortunate fact.

    For the first bold/red, he makes an effort to contact you when he's busy. That shows that he wants to communicate with you. It may not be as you'd like but he's extending himself when he does not need to. That's a sign he cares about you.

    For the second bold/orange, have you considered that your attempts at having serious conversation may be frustrating for him if he's stressed and busy? He may feel you're the person he can best reveal that part of his personality to.

    For the third/fourth bold/yellow,green, I think I've discussed those points above.

    For the fifth bold/blue, some people are like that. DF doesn't always want to communicate in certain ways if he knows he's going to see me or speak with me over the phone (both methods that he prefers over texting). Have you asked him why he walks away, not where he goes? Maybe it is something to do with the conversation and not pursuing a different activity.

    For the sixth bold/purple, what kind of promises are you talking about?

    For the seventh bold/purple, he's right. It is harder, the communication can be more sporadic. It's fact.

    For the eighth bold/red, he may be saying that you have to live with the consequences of your actions. Calling him twenty times when he's ignoring/not responding doesn't always leave a favorable impression. He may feel that you're not respecting his feelings.

    Those are my thoughts about your OP.

    There seems to be a disconnect between you two. I don't know how the bridge the gap, but it's evident that you both care for each other. Maybe there is a different way of approaching him. I.e. "I like when we can chat via text. It's nice to see things written out instead of just verbalized." Or, "When you tell me about your day I feel closer to you."
    Last edited by Lychee; 07-03-2012 at 01:04 PM.
  3. In vino veritas
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    #3
    Phew! That was a long one.

    OP, as for your questions, I think there are problems on both sides.

    First, can I ask how old you guys are?

    For him- It sounds like he is experiencing his first freedom- like its college. He is in 'dorms', having fun with his friends and is not used to the responsibilities that come with a relationship. He needs to start owning up to his responsibilities. If he says he is going to talk to you at some time, he needs to actually do it. And if he thinks he cant, he at least needs to be honest and say 'hey, its friday night, I cant talk to you, I am gonna be with the guys', and at some point, you have to accept that on a weekend he may wanna kick back with the guys at night- maybe learn to talk during the day on weekends? But that doesnt mean he can ignore you. If he cant talk on a Friday night he should be making plans for Saturday morning, or Friday afternoon.

    Then his comments are jerk-ish. He should be supporting you, not saying 'well you think is bad, its gonna get a whole lot worse!'. I mean, yes its true. But there are ways to bring that up and talk about it without belittling you. It sounds like he may be testing you a bit, and thats effed up. Relationships arent tests. Sometimes you fall and he should pick up the slack. Sometimes he will fall and you will pick up he slack. They are an ebb and flow- a constant flux. He shouldnt be putting all the blame on you.

    for you- You cant pick fights, hang up and then expect the apology phone call. That is not mature, and is not way to productively disagree. So that needs to stop. You also should want him to go out with his friends there (to a point). You dont want him to be there with no friends because he is taking all his free time talking to you. That would be lonely and hard for him- and the guys will start to give him shit. But, like before, it needs to be a balance. At this point it seems like he is talking to you, but simply not doing it at opportune times for you, or backing out of promises, which, again, is not ok. Also, dont sit around waiting for phone calls. That will make you so depressed. If you miss a call from him- who cares? You can always call back, or he will call you back. Go out with friends. Get a job. Do well in school. Party, work, get hobbies- have fun! It will make the time go faster and you will be happier, which will make your relationship happier.

    My suggestion- Tell him you need to have a serious conversation (without fighting, name calling, hanging up etc...) at a specific time. Tell him if he values the relationship, he will make sure he is free and with friends. Talk it all out, seriously. If he cannot, or will not, you may want to re-evaluate if he is emotionally ready for a relationship right now, and if you want to even deal with that.

    Good luck OP!
  4. I just can't even...
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    #4
    I totally agree with DrVino. lychee had some great points as well.

    It really seems to me like he is not ready for a relationship right now. His life is changing and maybe his view is changing.

    I really hope he is willing to have a serious talk with you. That would at least give you some direction as far as deciding whether to keep trying in the relationship or not.
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    #5
    I think you got a lot of great advice!

    My only suggestion would be to maybe limit the time of your Skype calls? I'm not sure how long your calls are, but if he has time to disappear for four hours and then come back ... that is a very long call. I know it works for some people to basically Skype all night, but for some people that's hard. For DH and I, I would rather have a 45 minute Skype call where we are completely 100% giving our attention to the other person, rather than an hours long call that is being interrupted with other things.

    Maybe that could be a compromise, cut down on the time BUT make a rule that there will be zero distractions during. Just a suggestion! Good luck.
  6. was ncgirl
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    #6
    It sounds like the relationship you want and the relationship he wants are 2 different things. I've been there, as you. I finally decided that it was not worth constantly getting hurt and disappointed, especially because the relationship wasn't really going anywhere.

    Be confident in what you want. Be specific. Ask him if he wants the same thing and if he is willing to be those things/do those things. If not, find someone who does.



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    #7
    Wow, these are all GREAT suggestions. I appreciate it.

    As for Skype, when he leaves then comes back, I mean we are just instant messaging. I guess he just gets bored and forgets about me... it wouldn't be a big deal except it happens quite a lot. I tell him that if he's bored or needs to go something, that's a-okay, as long as he tells me so I'm not left hanging.

    None of these things would be a problem because I know he's busy, I just wish he gave me a little forewarning.

    I asked if he'd prefer to only call me on the weekends instead of the weekdays, because I imagine the reason he is so goofy is just because he's been sitting in class all day. But he wants to call me because I guess views it as a way to de-stress. I understand that, but there comes a point when I can only handle so much silliness.

    I agree with Dr VinoVet that I can't pick fights and expect an apology call (especially so late at night). I was so disappointed when he changed his mind saying he just wanted to go to bed instead of talking to me, a minute after telling me that he would.

    I just get the feeling that I'm on the bottom of his priorities list and that hurts, especially when he expects me to make him my no. 1 priority.

    Yes, we are young, good catch. I'm twenty, starting my third year of college soon. He's nineteen, and went to boot camp just weeks after graduating high school.

    We've tried going on a break before, because he seemed too busy for a relationship. But it didn't last long because he missed me wanted me in his life again.

    As for where our relationship is going; we've been together for two years. He regularly brings up marriage and living with him, etc. (He hasn't 'officially' proposed, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did the next time I come visit.)
    I love him very much and definitely see a future with him, but I'm not going to jump into marriage until we can figure out how to communicate better and be on the same page about things like this.
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    #8
    maybe you want more out of him than what he wants to give? maybe he's not the one for you if he's not fulfilling your needs. and yes, power school isn't easy, i knew at least six or seven spouses that was with their SO during power school and they said it was far from a walk nt he park, and it was stressful. most said they were put on the backburner to school and winding down, destressing because it was a hard school to go through. IDK , if you think he is worth waiting for, maybe stick it out until after power school and see how he is after ward. if you can't make it that far, maybe consider taking another break or really really think about staying in this relationsihp.
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    #9
    Towards your original post, I completely agree with Vino's suggestions.


    Quote Originally Posted by throughherdrama View Post
    Wow, these are all GREAT suggestions. I appreciate it.

    As for Skype, when he leaves then comes back, I mean we are just instant messaging. I guess he just gets bored and forgets about me... it wouldn't be a big deal except it happens quite a lot. I tell him that if he's bored or needs to go something, that's a-okay, as long as he tells me so I'm not left hanging.

    None of these things would be a problem because I know he's busy, I just wish he gave me a little forewarning.

    I asked if he'd prefer to only call me on the weekends instead of the weekdays, because I imagine the reason he is so goofy is just because he's been sitting in class all day. But he wants to call me because I guess views it as a way to de-stress. I understand that, but there comes a point when I can only handle so much silliness.

    I agree with Dr VinoVet that I can't pick fights and expect an apology call (especially so late at night). I was so disappointed when he changed his mind saying he just wanted to go to bed instead of talking to me, a minute after telling me that he would.

    I just get the feeling that I'm on the bottom of his priorities list and that hurts, especially when he expects me to make him my no. 1 priority.

    Yes, we are young, good catch. I'm twenty, starting my third year of college soon. He's nineteen, and went to boot camp just weeks after graduating high school.

    We've tried going on a break before, because he seemed too busy for a relationship. But it didn't last long because he missed me wanted me in his life again.

    As for where our relationship is going; we've been together for two years. He regularly brings up marriage and living with him, etc. (He hasn't 'officially' proposed, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did the next time I come visit.)
    I love him very much and definitely see a future with him, but I'm not going to jump into marriage until we can figure out how to communicate better and be on the same page about things like this.
    Its interesting that you mention going on a break in the past. It seems like he really desires being in a relationship with you, but IMO I don't think he's fully respecting your needs and your place in the relationship. You have definitely made an effort to vocalize to him your concerns and what makes you upset. Despite times that you have been melodramatic, it seems that you have really tried to bring up the problems and talk with him about it. Generally I think there are misunderstandings about what each person wants from the relationship. Your SO seems like a very laid-back personality, from his "goofy calls" to his ease at leaving conversations; I don't think he means to offend you in any way, maybe that's just how he sees it; it's important not to assume his priorities because of this.

    But even taking into account his personality differences, IMO I think a big thing here is that he isn't being mature about his end of the relationship... Yes, you should be there to support him and give him some leeway because of his career. However, his comments were mean and his lack of communication a bit unacceptable. I think it's really important for you to bring this up to him in a serious conversation, at the appropriate time.

    Last edited by Contra; 07-04-2012 at 09:18 AM.
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    #10
    Thanks everyone for your advice, we have talked and don't have this problem anymore.
    thanks again!!

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